Forgiving Natalie

by Kristin Noel Fischer

  “That’s true,” I said, running a finger over baby Eric’s chubby thigh. Dash had been such at butterball at that age. He’d been born prematurely, and I’d worried about his weight the first three months of his life. By six months, he was tipping the scales. Now, he was so active, I was back to worrying about him not eating enough.

  Tamara gestured across the gym. “Take a look at my son, the negotiator. How much do you want to bet he’s trying to convince Coach Merona to put Dash on his team?”

  “Coach Merona?” My stomach did a free fall as I followed Tamara’s gaze and saw my ex-husband for the first time in over eight years. What was Gage doing here? Wasn’t he supposed to be gone today?

  I must’ve said that part aloud because Tamara said, “Who was supposed to be gone today?”

  I glanced at her before turning my gaze back to Gage. Was it possible for me to leave unnoticed? Could I abandon my plan, pack our bags, and go back to Chicago without Gage ever knowing the truth?

  Mistaking my stunned silence for admiration, Cora leaned forward and sighed. “I take it this is the first time you’ve laid eyes on Coach Hottie?”

  I swallowed hard, my throat too raw to speak. “No. It’s just that—”

  “He’s got a serious girlfriend,” one of the other moms said.

  “They’re not that serious,” Tamara said.

  The women broke into talk about Gage’s girlfriend, but I barely heard what they said over the sirens blaring in my head. Staring in utter shock, I watched as Gage placed a hand on Dash’s shoulder.

  Dash must’ve said something funny because Gage threw his head back and roared with laughter. My mind raced. Gage and Dash looked so much alike with their dark hair, long legs, and charming grins. Had anyone besides Molly noticed the resemblance? Had Gage?

  Tamara touched my arm. “Are you okay, Natalie? You look pale all of a sudden.”

  I pressed a hand to my gut. “I’m fine. Just feeling a little queasy.”

  “It’s stuffy in here.” Tamara fanned herself with her hand.

  “Hot,” June said, copying her mom’s gesture of fanning herself.

  Tamara began searching through the pockets of her stroller. “I think I have an extra bottle of water in here. Would you like it?”

  I pulled my gaze from Dash and Gage to look at Tamara. “I think I just need some fresh air. I just . . .” I glanced back at my son and his father as anxiety washed over me.

  “Do you want me to tell Dash to meet you outside?” Tamara asked.

  I nodded. “Yes, thank you. Tell him I’m sorry.”

  She gave a dismissive wave. “I’m sure he’ll understand. Practice is almost over, anyway.”

  Hoisting my purse onto my shoulder, I slipped out of the gym, determined to leave and stop this ridiculous plan I’d put into motion. Dash would come outside to find me. I just hoped Gage wouldn’t do the same.

  Chapter 6

  Gage – 2006

  After that night at the diner, Natalie and I spent all our time together. Once she switched her hours to the day shift, it was easy for me to pick her up after work.

  Sometimes we went out for dinner or a movie. Oftentimes, we’d head to the grocery store to collect ingredients for dinner. Natalie was an incredible cook, and I loved everything she made.

  While she worked in the kitchen, her Uncle Leo and I played chess or just sat and talked. It was kind of a sexist arrangement, but I was worthless in the kitchen. The few times I offered to help, Natalie shooed me away, claiming she enjoyed listening to her classical music as she cooked by herself. I obeyed but always insisted on doing the dishes after we ate. She acquiesced and would keep me company by sitting at the kitchen desk, working on her jewelry-making hobby.

  On several occasions, Rhodes came over for dinner, either by himself or with friends. I could tell Natalie was nervous about having potential gang members in her house, but once she got to know them, she felt more comfortable. Rhodes was a good kid, despite his tough-guy attitude. I had high hopes he’d rise above his situation and make something out of his life.

  One spring evening after dinner, Natalie and I walked down to the park. Holding my hand, she smiled up at me. “When are you going to introduce me to your parents?”

  I squeezed her hand. “How about never.”

  “Never?” She pulled away and stopped walking. “Are you ashamed of me, Gage?”

  “No. Don’t say that. You’ve become the most important person in my life. I could never be ashamed of you. I love you.”

  “You love me?” She raised her brow, skeptical.

  “Yes, I love you.” I’d been talking around the I love you phrase forever, saying things like I cared about her and had never met anyone like her, but this was the first time I told her I loved her.

  “I’ve never said those words to another woman before,” I admitted, “but they’re true. I really do love you.”

  I moved closer, wanting to kiss her, but she stepped back and folded her arms across her chest. “You didn’t answer my question. Why haven’t you introduced me to your parents yet?”

  I exhaled. “I don’t know. My father’s fine in an aggressive sort of way, but my mother can be a little hard. I’m afraid she’ll hurt your feelings.”

  Natalie lifted her chin. “You don’t think your parents will like me.” It was a statement, not a question.

  “I don’t care if they like you or not. I just don’t want them to scare you away.”

  Natalie’s eyes narrowed. “Do your parents even know we’re dating?”

  When I didn’t say anything, pain and indignation flashed across her face. “You haven’t told them about me, have you?”

  “No.”

  Natalie shook her head. “And you say you’re not ashamed of me?”

  “I’m not.”

  She said nothing as I tried to explain why I hadn’t told my parents about her. “You’re just so different from them. You’re so kind and caring and—”

  “Let’s go back,” she said, turning around and heading home.

  I reached for her hand. She let me take it, but she didn’t respond when I squeezed it. “I know you’re upset, but I don’t share things like that with my parents. We barely talk about anything personal.”

  She stopped walking and pulled her hand away. “Really? That’s your excuse?”

  I shrugged. “It’s true.”

  “You’re getting ready to go into business with them in a few months. Are you telling me they don’t know anything about your personal life?”

  “They don’t, but if you want me to call them right now and tell them we’re seeing each other, I will.”

  She pushed out a deliberate breath. “I want you to want them to meet me. You say you’re not ashamed of me and that you love me, but where’s this going, Gage? How much can you really love me if you don’t want to introduce me to your family?”

  Ouch. Point taken.

  “I’m not saying I want to get married right now,” she continued, “but I guess I’d like to know where you see our relationship going.”

  Relationship? I didn’t use words like relationship, and I certainly wasn’t thinking about marriage. “I care about you a lot,” I said after a long pause.

  She shook her head. “Okay.”

  I realized I’d said the wrong thing, but I didn’t know how to fix it. Did she expect me to drop to one knee, declare my undying love, and propose? If that was what she wanted, I couldn’t give that to her.

  At least, I couldn’t give that to her right now when I was still trying to figure out my future. Maybe I could make a commitment after I graduated and worked for a while, but doing so right now was impossible.

  Natalie kept her distance as we walked back to her house. I couldn’t stand the silence between us, and I kept trying to come up with something clever to say to make her happy, but nothing sounded right in my mind.

  At Natalie’s house, I kissed her goodnight and drove home. When I climbed into bed, I called her cell
, but she didn’t answer.

  She often didn’t answer her phone, something that drove me crazy. Mostly, she’d forget to charge it or leave it in the car, insisting she wasn’t so important that she needed to be available twenty-four hours a day.

  Is that why she wasn’t answering tonight? Or was she done with me?

  As I lay in the dark, I thought about what my life would be like without Natalie. I loved her, that much I knew. I loved spending time with her, and I didn’t want to lose her. She was an incredible woman who made me feel like I could conquer the world.

  And she was right about meeting my parents. I was just afraid my mother would make a big deal about Natalie’s background.

  Because my mother had served on the board at St. John’s High School, she knew Natalie had been there on scholarship. She also knew Natalie’s parents had been involved with drugs. Currently, her father was serving a life sentence for murdering her mother. At least, that was the rumor according to Sheela.

  Natalie hadn’t told me about her parents, and I hadn’t asked. Avoidance was how I preferred to deal with uncomfortable situations.

  It was an immature way of handling problems, and it was time for me to grow up. Although I respected my parents and was grateful for everything they’d given me, it was time for me to be my own man and stand up for the woman I loved. The woman I could actually imagine spending my life with.

  In the morning, I awoke knowing what I needed to do. First, I called my parents who weren’t too pleased I was dating Natalie. They did, however, agree to have dinner with us.

  I wanted to meet at a restaurant on neutral ground, but my mother insisted we come to the house. I conceded on one condition.

  “What’s that?” she asked.

  “You have to put away the photograph of Sheela and me at prom.”

  “The one on the piano?”

  “Yes,” I said.

  “But I love that picture. The two of you make such a handsome couple. She’s dating someone right now, but her mother and I still have hopes that—”

  “Mom.” I sighed. “Sheela was horrible to Natalie in high school. Could you please do me this one favor and put the photograph away?”

  “I suppose so, but what about inviting a few couples to join us for dinner? Maybe we could have a little party with some friends and—”

  “No. I want you and Dad to have a chance to get to know Natalie without a bunch of people around, okay? Please don’t invite anybody.”

  “If you insist.”

  “I do.” I hung up the phone and called Natalie. When she didn’t answer, I skipped class and drove to her house. Uncle Leo told me she took an early shift, so I went to the hospital to find her.

  “How does Thursday at seven sound?” I said when I tracked her down at the nurses’ station.

  She looked up from the computer, her eyes tearstained. “For what?”

  “To meet my parents. They want us to come to dinner at their house. Uncle Leo is invited as well.”

  A slow smile spread across her face, telling me I’d done the right thing. Natalie nodded. “Dinner Thursday evening sounds great.”

  I grinned and stepped closer. Lowering my voice, I said, “Look, sometimes I’m slow, but I love you. I don’t know exactly what our future holds, but I see us together. I want my future to include you, Natalie.”

  She pressed a hand to my cheek. “I want my future to include you, too.”

  “Hey, get back to work,” called Natalie’s supervisor, Janet.

  I knew Janet was only partly serious, so I leaned forward and kissed Natalie. Laughing, she pushed me away and scooted down the hall, returning to her patients.

  “Gage,” Janet said as I started to leave.

  “Yes?”

  Janet’s eyes narrowed as she looked at me. “Don’t hurt her.”

  I shook my head. “I won’t. I promise.”

  *

  After Natalie’s shift, we met at the diner for burgers and fries. As we ate, I told Natalie I was afraid my parents were going to ask questions about her family. She grew silent, and I asked what she was thinking.

  “I’m thinking I should tell you what actually happened, so you’ll know the truth.” She looked at me, her eyes full of so much pain, my heart ached.

  “You don’t have to tell me if you don’t want to.”

  “I think I should.”

  “Okay.”

  She took a deep breath. “I know everyone talked about my dad being in jail for killing my mom, but that’s not exactly the truth.”

  “No?”

  She shook her head. “No. The truth is she died of an overdose. My father might’ve been responsible for the heroin that killed her, but she asked him for it. I remember that part.”

  My chest tightened. “You were there?”

  She nodded. “He wanted to sell the heroin because we needed the money, but she begged him for it. When he left, she stole it from him and . . .”

  Natalie looked out the window and shook her head. “The last memory I have of my parents is my mom dead on the couch and my dad being led away in handcuffs by the police. About a year later, my dad hung himself in jail.”

  “Oh, Natalie.” Reaching across the table, I took her hand. The pain I felt for her was visceral. I’d give anything to go back in time and shield her from that experience.

  Natalie stiffened. “It’s okay. I’m fine.” Pulling her hand away from me, she sat back in the booth. “My parents were both drug addicts. That’s just a fact. Knowing that has always made it easier for me to accept what happened to them.”

  “Why?” I asked, not understanding.

  She shrugged. “Blaming drugs, something I’d never do, is easier than believing they had some kind of genetic flaw they passed on to me.”

  “Is that why you don’t drink?” I wasn’t a big drinker, but I did like to have a beer or a glass of wine on the weekends. Natalie never drank.

  She nodded. “I’ve always been afraid of addiction. I figure I can’t get addicted if I don’t start.”

  “You don’t even take Tylenol when you have a headache.”

  “Not if I can help it.” She fumbled with one of her earrings, a glass beaded, dangly thing she’d made the other night. “Whenever a drug seeker comes into the ER, I always offer them resources to get clean. I tell them they don’t have to live like that, but most of them don’t want to listen to me. No matter how much I want to help them, you can’t help someone who doesn’t want to help themselves.”

  “That’s true.”

  She nodded. “It makes me realize there was probably nothing I could’ve done to save my parents.”

  My heart split right down the middle. “Natalie, there wasn’t anything you could’ve done to save your parents. You were just a kid.”

  “I know that intellectually, it’s just . . .”

  Her voice was on the verge of breaking. I scooted out of my side of the booth and sat beside her. Slipping my arm over her shoulder, I held her tight. “It wasn’t your fault.”

  “I know.”

  “I think you know that in your mind, but you don’t really believe it.”

  She nodded and lapsed into silence. When the waitress came to the table and asked if we wanted dessert, I ordered a hot fudge sundae with whipped cream and two spoons.

  “Coming right up,” the waitress said, turning to leave.

  Natalie made a little laughing sound. “How’d you know?”

  I shifted so I could see her face. “How did I know you’d need dessert after bearing your soul? I love you, and when you love someone, those are the kinds of things you know about them.”

  Chapter 7

  Natalie – 2006

  I was a mess as I waited for Gage to pick me up Thursday evening for dinner with his parents. Uncle Leo had been invited, but he’d declined, saying he was too tired to make the trip out to the suburbs. I didn’t want to leave him, but he insisted I go.

  Looking in the mirror, I checked my appearance fo
r the hundredth time. I’d made a special necklace just for this occasion, and I loved how it looked with my new skirt and top. I just hoped it was the right choice for meeting Gage’s parents. This dinner was important because I wanted them to like me.

  When the doorbell rang, my heart lurched. I rushed to open the door and smiled at the sight of Gage. He looked so handsome in his khakis and polo.

  “Hey, gorgeous.” Leaning toward me, he brushed his lips across mine. “You look beautiful.”

  “Am I dressed okay?” Self-conscious, I smoothed down my skirt. “Should I change and put on something else?”

  “No, you look perfect.”

  “Are you sure?’

  He smiled. “Definitely. Is Uncle Leo coming?”

  I shook my head. “He’s not feeling well, so he went to bed early.”

  “Is he okay?”

  I forced a smile. “I think so. He told me to stop fussing over him and leave already.”

  Gage chuckled. “It sounds like he’s just fine.”

  Hoping he was right, I stepped outside and pulled the door closed. As I turned to lock it, Gage placed his hands on my hips and kissed my neck.

  “Stop,” I said, giggling. “We’re going to be late.”

  “I don’t care about being late.”

  “Well, I do.” I slipped out of his arms and led the way to the driveway.

  We climbed into Gage’s car and headed out to the affluent suburb where he’d been raised and his parents still lived. Gage had told me a lot about his childhood—Christmas holidays spent skiing in Colorado, summer vacations at Hilton Head, and private coaches for everything from tennis to horseback riding.

  In turn, I’d shared my best childhood experiences—making homemade popsicles, shopping for clothes at the Goodwill, reading at the library, and summer afternoons spent at the city pool. While Uncle Leo never had money for extras, I’d never considered myself poor until I began attending St. John’s. All those private school kids were just in a different league than me.