Forgiving Natalie

by Kristin Noel Fischer

  After dinner, we cleared the table, then Dash went upstairs to take his shower and start his homework. I loaded the dishwasher and fixed myself a cup of tea while Roxy slept on her dog bed in the corner of the kitchen.

  As I lifted the mug to my lips, Dash rushed into the kitchen, screaming. I jumped a mile high and lost my grip on the mug, causing it to hit the tile floor and shatter.

  “Sorry, Mom.”

  “Why were you screaming?” I pressed my lips together in an effort not to say anything I’d later regret.

  Dash adjusted the towel around his naked body. “I can’t figure out how to turn on the hot water. I didn’t mean to make you drop your tea.” Although barefoot, he began picking up big chunks of porcelain. “I’m really sorry, Mom.”

  “I know you are.” My heart softened. “Come on. I don’t want you to step on the pieces and get cut. I’ll clean this up later.”

  “What about Roxy?”

  The dog looked up from her nap and wagged her tail.

  “She’ll be fine,” I said.

  Dash and I left the kitchen and went upstairs to the bathroom where I showed him how to adjust the temperature in the shower. “Do you need anything else?” I asked.

  “No.”

  “Okay, I’ll see you downstairs in just a little bit.”

  As I left the bathroom, Dash asked if I was mad at him. Sad he would think that, I turned and offered an apologetic smile. “No, honey. I know it was an accident.”

  Dash shook his head. “I mean before that. You seemed upset when you picked me up from the gym.”

  “I did?”

  He nodded. “When we walked home and at dinner, you didn’t ask me a thousand questions about my day like you usually do. You just seemed distracted.”

  I smiled. Distracted was a word we talked about a lot. Last year, I’d stuck a sticky note on the refrigerator that read, “Be Present.” I’d explained that being present was the exact opposite of being distracted.

  “I am distracted, and I’m sorry,” I said.

  “What are you distracted about?”

  “Grown-up stuff.”

  He studied me in a way that made me feel like the worst mom in the world. Nothing about our future was going to be easy for Dash. The least I could do was be present these precious, last few weeks we had together.

  “What would you think if I made a cobbler while you took your shower?”

  Dash’s eyes danced with excitement. “Seriously?”

  “Yes. I even have ice cream.”

  “What about our rule?”

  Dash was a rule follower, and we had a rule about saving desserts for the weekend, so I understood his suspicion. I’d once been a rule follower, too.

  “Sometimes you have to break the rules,” I said, realizing the irony in that statement. “If you’d rather skip dessert, I can make just enough for myself.”

  “No!” He threw off his towel and jumped in the shower. “Go make it and I’ll be right there.”

  Laughing, I closed the bathroom door and returned to the kitchen to make the cobbler. First, of course, I picked up the broken tea cup and gave the floor a good sweep. After that, I turned the oven to preheat and started mixing the ingredients.

  Because I’d made the dessert so many times, I knew the recipe by heart and didn’t have to waste time looking it up. Minutes later, the cobbler was baking in the oven, and I was back at the table with my laptop and a new cup of tea.

  Clicking on the website for Firehouse Fitness, I scrolled through the photos of Gage. Except for being older, he hadn’t changed a bit. If anything, he was better looking. His shoulders had broadened, and the little creases at the corners of his eyes added character to his face, not to mention looking incredibly charming. In fact, everything about him was incredibly charming.

  Not that it mattered. I hadn’t come to San Francisco for romance. No, I’d come for Dash’s benefit. I’d come to give my son a chance to meet his father and adjust to his new life before I dumped it upside down by abandoning him.

  Although I’d already read the articles on Gage’s website, I skimmed through them again before going back to his profile picture. I’d always known that Dash had Gage’s eyes and smile, but seeing Gage in person tonight made me realize how many other similarities they shared.

  “Hi, Mom,” Dash whispered, tiptoeing across the kitchen.

  “Hi, Dash,” I whispered back.

  “You made another cup of tea?” he whispered again.

  I smiled. “Yes. Why are you whispering?”

  “Because I don’t want to scare you while you’re drinking tea.”

  Laughing, I rolled my eyes. “Come here, you.”

  He came closer and allowed me to pull him onto my lap. Sometimes he complained he was too old to sit on my lap like a baby, but tonight he snaked his arms around my neck and squeezed me tight. “I love you, Mom.”

  “I love you, too.” My heart melted. How in the world was I going to leave him? Burying my face in his hair, I breathed in his clean scent. “You used shampoo.”

  He pushed away from me, feigning insult. “I use shampoo every night.”

  “No, you don’t.”

  “Yes, I do.”

  I smiled. “Sometimes you come out of the shower with your hair still dry.”

  Dash tried to hide his own smile. “Maybe those are the nights when I use a hair dryer. Did you ever think of that? Huh, did you?”

  I laughed and tried to tickle him, but he jumped off my lap and ducked out of my reach. After a few more unsuccessful attempts to grab him, I gave up and turned back to my computer.

  “Hey, that’s Coach,” Dash said, pointing at the screen. “Why are you looking at pictures of Coach?”

  His voice held an accusatory tone. I licked my lips and formed my words carefully. “I was just reading how he started Firehouse Fitness.”

  “Oh. Did you know he won an award from the mayor?”

  “I did.” I scrolled down to the picture of Gage standing with the mayor. “That’s pretty impressive.”

  Dash nodded. “You can’t see his fake leg when he’s wearing pants.”

  “No, you can’t.”

  “Tye said sometimes they play this game that’s kind of like hide-and-go-seek. All the coaches hide and the kids try to find them. Finding Coach Merona is the hardest, you know why?”

  “Why?”

  Dash laughed. “Because he can take off his leg and hide in some place that’s really small.”

  I laughed, thinking that was just like the Gage I’d fallen in love with. Too bad I’d caused him to lose his sense of humor.

  “Yeah, Coach is awesome,” Dash said.

  I smiled sadly as the computer darkened and the screen saver popped up showing pictures of Dash and me in front of the Bean at Millennium Park in Chicago. Before moving, I’d hired a professional photographer to take pictures of us. It hadn’t been cheap, but I knew those pictures would be my most important possessions in jail.

  “Is the cobbler ready yet?” Dash asked.

  “Let me see.” I closed the laptop and walked over to the oven to check. “I think it needs a few more minutes.”

  As I slowly closed the oven, the doorbell rang, causing me to jump. Roxy leapt from her dog bed and raced into the living room, barking.

  “Who’s that?” Dash asked.

  My throat constricted, and I couldn’t speak. Was it the police? Had Gage figured everything out and called the cops? Please don’t let it be the police. Not yet.

  “I’ll go see,” Dash yelled, chasing after the dog.

  “Don’t open the door.”

  Before I could stop him, Dash ran into the living room, pounced on couch, and pulled back the curtain to peek out the window. “It’s Coach!” he said, amazed.

  I pressed a hand to my stomach, both relieved and anxious it was Gage at the door. While I wouldn’t be going to jail tonight, the moment I’d been dreading was here.

  “Can I let him in?” Dash asked, waving a
t Gage through the window.

  Roxy charged the door as if to say, “Yeah, let me at ’em. Let me at ’em.”

  I willed my body to relax. There was no turning back now. Best to forge ahead and introduce Dash to his father.

  Chapter 9

  Natalie – 2006

  Needless to say, dinner with Gage’s parents and the Murphys was a disaster. I could tell Gage was upset even though he pretended everything was fine.

  All through dinner, I did my best to smile politely, ask questions, and laugh when appropriate. I didn’t want to feel bitter toward Sheela and her family. Nor did I want to believe Gage’s mother had purposely invited them over tonight to make me uncomfortable.

  Thankfully, Sheela was on her best behavior and actually treated me nicely. The two of us talked about what it was like to have our first real job out of college. She also told me all about her new boyfriend, an architect she’d met on a blind date.

  Still, I was an outsider and I didn’t fit in. The families had known each other for years. They’d vacationed together, enjoyed meals together, and had even rented a house on the Mediterranean for a month one summer.

  Sheela’s mother had grown up next door to Gage’s mother, and they were best friends. They’d been thrilled when Gage had briefly dated Sheela their senior year of high school. I had a feeling that nothing would please the mothers more than a wedding between their children.

  Although Gage did his best to draw me into the conversation, I spent most of the evening seeking solace in my food. After my third breadstick, Miriam made a comment about “someone really enjoying the breadbasket.”

  I wanted to die of humiliation. Thankfully, Gage was too involved in a discussion at the other end of the table to hear what his mother said. As soon as dinner was over, Gage announced that we needed to leave because he had to study.

  “Come on, darling,” his mother said. “It’s not as if you don’t already have a job.”

  Before Gage could respond, Sheela’s father spoke. “Your father said you’ll be joining the company and moving to Thailand after graduation.”

  “Thailand?” I glanced at Gage, expecting him to laugh and insist it wasn’t true.

  Instead, all the color drained from his face. “Natalie and I need to go. Thank you for dinner, Mother. I’ll call you later, Dad.”

  We said our goodbyes and left. On the drive home, Gage apologized for his parents. “I specifically asked my mother not to invite the Murphys. I wanted my parents to have a chance to get to know you without a crowd.”

  “It’s okay,” I said.

  “It’s not okay.” He tightened his grip on the steering wheel.

  I glanced out the window, then back at Gage. “What did Mr. Murphy mean by that comment about you moving to Thailand?”

  Gage’s shoulders slumped. “I just found out today. My father wants me to take charge of our factory in Thailand.”

  My stomach tightened. “You’re moving overseas after graduation?”

  “No.”

  “You’re not?”

  He pushed out a slow breath and took my hand. “No, I’m not. Don’t worry, you’re not getting rid of me that easily.”

  I smiled and squeezed his hand. “I’m happy to hear you say that, but what if your parents insist?”

  “Then I’ll find a different job.”

  “Where?”

  “I don’t know.”

  I nodded. “Okay. One last question. Are you still in love with Sheela?”

  He gave a hearty laugh. “No. I’ve never been in love with her. She’s like a sister to me.”

  “Serious?”

  “Yes.” When he realized I was worried, he pulled the car to the side of the road and put it in park. Taking both my hands in his, he met my gaze straight on. “Sheela and I went to prom and saw a few movies. We grew up together, but I’m not in love with her. I’ve never been in love with her.”

  “No?”

  “No. I’ve never even kissed—” Guilt flooded his eyes. “Okay, full disclosure. I did let her kiss me in the second grade, but it was just on the cheek and not on the lips.”

  “Seriously?”

  He nodded. “I had no choice. She gave me her leftover ice-cream bar at lunch.”

  “Oh, if she gave you her leftover ice-cream bar at lunch, then of course . . .” I smiled, despite my trepidation. “Would you have let me kiss you in the second grade?”

  He laughed. “Baby, I would’ve let you kiss me in the first, second, third, and all the way up to now grade.”

  We smiled at each other and Gage brushed back my hair. “I’m in love with you, Natalie. Just you. You know that, right?”

  I nodded. “I’m in love with you, too.”

  *

  After graduating in the spring, Gage turned down the job offer with his family and went to work for a similar company that didn’t require overseas travel. Miriam and Arthur were furious, but Gage felt he’d only been assigned the position in Thailand in order to be separated from me.

  Although I admired him for protecting our relationship, I didn’t like being the reason for the rift with his parents. Gage, I’d found out, was stubborn. Once he set his mind on something, it was difficult to persuade him otherwise.

  “Don’t you want to try to fix things with your parents?” I asked the week before Memorial Day. “We could invite them to Uncle Leo’s for a barbeque.”

  “No,” Gage said. “They just want to control me.”

  “You’re their only son. Of course, they want to control you.”

  “That’s why you and I will have at least two kids,” he announced, slipping his arm around me.

  “Oh, really?” I laughed, thrilled at the idea of having kids with Gage. I could just see him playing basketball in the driveway with two little boys who looked just like him. He’d be a great dad to a little girl as well, teaching her how to shoot a basketball in between tea parties and dance lessons.

  As summer turned to fall and fall to winter, I dropped the matter of Gage reconciling with his parents. Honestly, life was too busy to worry about something I couldn’t control. Gage was working all the time, and I’d started applying to grad school.

  In December, Janet and I finished our shift and stepped outside to discover it was snowing. Tiny flakes flickered as they fell from the sky.

  Janet placed a hand on her round belly. “Your first snow, little girl.” Janet’s baby wasn’t due until next week, but both she and John, her husband, talked like the baby was already here. “I can’t believe this time next year, I’ll have a one-year-old who can play in the snow. Isn’t that incredible?”

  “It’s amazing,” I said, happy for her.

  Her husband pulled into the parking lot, and Janet gave me a hug goodnight. “I’ll see you tomorrow.”

  “See you tomorrow.”

  She opened the passenger side door and climbed into the minivan. John leaned over the seat and told me to be careful on the drive home. “The roads are super slick.”

  “Okay, Dad,” I said, sarcastically.

  He shook his head. “You’ll see.”

  I laughed, waved goodbye, and headed toward my car. Naturally, I slipped on the ice as soon as I stepped off the sidewalk. Thankfully, I caught myself before falling, but John honked the horn to say I told you so.

  I glanced over to see them both laughing hysterically. I gave them the thumbs-up, shook my head, and walked across the parking lot a little more carefully.

  Once in my car, I turned on the engine, hoping the heat would quickly kick in. The windshield wipers took care of the snow, and soon, I was on my way home.

  Although it was freezing cold, the snow had blanketed everything in a soft white, transforming the bare trees and gray buildings into a magical fairyland. If there was still snow on my day off, I’d make Gage come to the park with me to go sledding.

  As I approached the intersection, my thoughts went to Uncle Leo. He’d been diagnosed with pneumonia last month, but thankfully, he’d ma
de a full recovery. When I got home tonight, I’d put an extra blanket on his bed and—

  Suddenly, bright lights blinded me. I glanced to my left to see a truck headed straight for me. What was he doing? I had the green. Not him. My light was green, wasn’t it?

  Later, I awoke in the hospital with no memory of how I’d gotten there. Apparently, the truck driver had run the red, T-boning my car and sending it into the lamppost.

  By some miracle, my life had been spared. Now, I was being wheeled into surgery to repair my spine and shoulder. I asked someone to check on my uncle and notify Gage. Then, I lost consciousness again.

  The next time I awoke, the room was dark and the worst pain of my life took hold of me. Someone was in the room, but I couldn’t move my head to see who it was.

  Had I broken my neck? Was I paralyzed? I tried to remember what the doctor said about my injuries, but I kept picturing a T-bone steak.

  “Hello?” I pushed the word past my raw throat.

  “Natalie.” Gage appeared at my side, his eyes bloodshot. “Oh, baby. I’m so sorry.”

  “Gage.” I tried to lift my arm to touch his face, but my body hurt too much to move.

  His eyes filled with tears. “I was so scared.”

  “I’m okay,” I said, even though I wasn’t. Given the pain in my body, I couldn’t possibly be okay. Would I ever walk again? Have children? Work?

  “The doctor said the damage wasn’t permanent. You were really lucky.” Gage’s voice cracked as he leaned over to hug me. “He said you’re going to be okay.”

  Every bone, tissue, and cell of my body ached. I wanted to tell Gage not to hold me so hard, but I knew the accident had shaken him. It’d shaken me, too.

  Finally, Gage released me and sat on the edge of the bed. He took my hand in his and swallowed so hard I could see his Adam’s apple bob up and down.

  “Does Uncle Leo know?” I asked.

  Gage nodded. “I called him after I talked to the doctor. Janet and her husband stopped by the house to fix him something to eat. One of the neighbors said she’d go over in the morning and help him with breakfast.”

  “That’s good.”

  Gage offered a sad smile. “We could’ve lost you. Had you hit the pole differently . . .” He shook his head, fighting to gain control of his emotions. “It was like God reached out his hand and said, No, not today. Not on my watch.”