Forgiving Natalie

by Kristin Noel Fischer

  “Hey.”

  “You were sleeping so soundly, I hated to wake you, but our reservations are at seven.”

  “What time is it now?”

  “Six.”

  I pressed my fingertips to my temple in an attempt to massage away my headache. Getting out of bed for dinner was the last thing I wanted to do. If only I could take my meds and stay in bed. Of course, that wasn’t possible because I’d flushed all my pills down the toilet last night, foolishly believing I no longer needed them.

  “What’s wrong, baby?” Gage rested his hand on my leg.

  “I’m so tired. My neck and back are killing me.”

  “Here, turn over.”

  I did as he commanded, and Gage’s hands worked their magic. Somehow, he knew exactly where I hurt. Digging his thumbs into my tight muscles, he kneaded away my tension.

  “That’s nice,” I said, feeling the only thing nicer would be getting hold of a pill. Just one would relax me, allowing me to enjoy the evening with my husband.

  “Better?” Gage asked, finishing way too soon.

  “More.”

  He laughed and patted my rump. “Come on, you have to get up. It’ll be fun once we get going.”

  I nodded and forced myself out of bed. After taking a shower and putting on my dress, I felt a little better.

  Gage held my hand as we walked across the street to the Mark Hopkins Hotel and rode the elevator to the penthouse lounge where his grandmother had eaten before leaving for war. Although the restaurant wasn’t as elegant as I’d expected, the view was sensational. From our table, we could see both the Golden Gate and the Bay Bridge as well as Alcatraz and Coit Tower.

  “It’s breathtaking,” I said. “I’m glad you forced me to come.”

  Gage took my hand. “I was hoping you’d like it.”

  “I like you.”

  “I like you, too.”

  I rolled my eyes as we smiled at each other in that sickening way newlyweds did. I’d somehow won the lottery by wrangling Gage Merona into marrying me.

  “What are you thinking about?” he asked.

  I took a sip of the martini I’d ordered. “I’m glad that dog bit you.”

  “What?”

  “If you hadn’t gotten bitten by that dog, you never would’ve come into the ER, and we never would’ve become a couple.”

  Gage sat back in his chair. “I don’t believe that.”

  “No?”

  “No.” He shook his head. “You and I were meant to be together. Somehow, I would’ve found you.”

  I smiled at him. “I wish you would’ve found me in high school behind those nerdy glasses.”

  He finished the last sip of his whisky. “I was too stupid back then. I’m much smarter now.”

  Over several more drinks, we watched the sun set and discussed our hopes and dreams for the future. While both of us wanted kids, we agreed to wait a few years. Gage would be traveling at least another year for work, and I had my own career goals.

  “What about your gym?” I asked. “Is that something you still think about?”

  Gage shrugged. “I don’t know. Working for the company is demanding, but my parents are pleased with the changes I’ve made. Eventually, I won’t have to travel so much and things will get easier.

  “But honestly,” he continued, “opening my own gym most likely won’t happen. It’s probably time to let go of that dream.”

  I nodded, understanding but also sad. “Sometimes you have to let go of one dream in order to achieve another one, you know?”

  “I know.”

  I twirled the empty martini glass, feeling happy and relaxed. “I guess you can always coach our kids’ teams.”

  “I like the sound of that.”

  “Me, too.”

  We turned our attention to the view, admiring the twinkling lights of the city. I’d come so close to losing everything when Dr. Thomas caught me stealing those drugs. Thank goodness Janet had come to my defense. And thank goodness that part of my life was over.

  Even though I didn’t deserve it, I’d been given a beautiful life with Gage. I wasn’t going to blow it. No, I was going to do everything possible to protect our marriage, including staying off the drugs.

  *

  In the morning, Gage and I awoke with enormous headaches from all the alcohol we’d consumed the previous night. Laughing at our pathetic selves, we took several Tylenol, ordered room service, and went back to bed.

  In the afternoon, we took a long walk through the city, enjoying all the iconic sights. Gage surprised me with a trip to the Abandoned Planet Bookstore, the bookstore that appeared in one of my all-time favorite movies, Just Like Heaven starring Reece Witherspoon and Mark Ruffalo.

  We also enjoyed a cup of coffee at Caffe Trieste, which was the site of another scene from the movie. For dinner, we ate at The Stinking Rose, an Italian Restaurant whose motto was, “We Season Our Garlic With Food.”

  Joking that all that garlic would keep us safe from vampire attacks for the rest of our lives, we walked backed to the hotel through Chinatown. At one of the overstuffed shops on Grant Avenue, I bought Gage a carved dog in honor of the animal that brought us together.

  “I’ll keep it forever,” he said, pressing the dog to his heart in a gesture that cracked me up.

  The rest of the week passed quickly, with every day more enjoyable than the previous one. Between all the walking, napping, and low-stress living, my pain deeply diminished. While I imagined I would always feel some discomfort from the accident, I no longer craved my meds. I was confident that from this point forward my drug issue was over.

  “You seem relaxed,” Gage said as we enjoyed a bowl of clam chowder at The Trident, a restaurant on the water in Sausalito.

  I watched a ferryboat make its way across the bay. “I am relaxed.”

  He reached for my hand, lacing his fingers through mine. “I know my mother caused a lot of your stress. She can be overbearing, but I think she’s trying. When we get back—”

  I shook my head to silence him. “Let’s not talk about going back, okay? In fact, let’s not go back.”

  He laughed. “We have to go back. At least for Uncle Leo.”

  “You’re right.” I sighed, feeling guilty I’d been so caught up with Gage that I’d barely thought about my uncle. The nurse I’d hired to stay with him told me things were going well.

  “He could move,” I said, imagining Uncle Leo loving everything about San Francisco.

  “Don’t you think walking up and down the hills would be hard on him?” Gage asked.

  I nodded, knowing he was right. Besides, I hadn’t really been serious. I knew we had to go back to Chicago.

  For the remainder of the trip, however, Gage and I didn’t talk about going home. In fact, we didn’t talk about anything more important than whether we should have red or white wine with dinner. We took tons of walks through the city, ate rich food, drank expensive wine, rode the cable cars, went to the beach, and spent hours in bed.

  When Gage and I boarded the plane to fly home, I told him I was really sad about leaving. He squeezed my hand. “Me, too, especially since I have a ton of work to do before this month’s trip to Thailand.”

  I leaned my head against the window, and Gage kissed my shoulder. “Hey, I know you wish we could stay longer, but we’ll come back for our anniversary sometime. How does that sound?”

  “You promise?”

  “I promise.”

  Unfortunately, it was a promise he couldn’t keep. Not because he didn’t want to, but because I made it impossible for him to do so.

  *

  Coming back to Chicago after the honeymoon was tough. Determined to stay clean, I made it through three shifts without stealing a single pill.

  Then, Uncle Leo died.

  Losing my only remaining relative was devastating. How was I supposed to live without him? The physical pain to my heart was palpable. While Gage did his best to comfort me, I was inconsolable and had no idea ho
w I was going to survive Uncle Leo’s death.

  Gage suggested I take some time off, but sitting around the lonely house just made things worse. I couldn’t even begin to think about sorting through Uncle Leo’s things, so I kept his bedroom door closed and returned to work.

  At the hospital, I struggled more than ever to stay clean. I kept telling myself things would get easier with time, but the desire to numb my pain only increased. I started having a glass of wine each night, but alcohol made me feel fat and sluggish. What I really wanted were my pills.

  Finally, I gave in to temptation. It was so easy to fall back into my old habits. Before I knew it, stealing drugs and fudging the books became a daily occurrence.

  Right before my lunch break on Friday, I pocketed several pills and documented that they’d been discarded. I didn’t even bother promising myself this would be the last time, because I knew it wasn’t true. I was an addict, and there would never be a last time.

  When Tanya, one of the new nurses, came into the med room, I asked her to sign off on my notation. She gave me a suspicious look. “I didn’t see you throw those pills away.”

  “Oh, it’s fine,” I insisted, feeling the drugs burning a hole in my pocket. “We’re always so busy, we just sign each other’s charts even if we don’t see it. Don’t worry. Nobody checks on it.”

  Tanya’s hesitation caused my heart to stop beating. Did she know? No, that wasn’t possible. She was just one of those people who did everything by the book.

  “I’m sorry,” Tanya said. “I can’t sign off on something I didn’t witness. I don’t feel comfortable with that.”

  “Are you serious?”

  She nodded. “I am.”

  Irritation shot through me, but I forced a smile, pretending everything was fine. “I understand. I’ll just ask someone else to do it.” But don’t ever ask me for a favor, I thought.

  I waited until she left before copying another nurse’s signature from the logbook. Then, I returned to my patients and finished my shift.

  As I was leaving for the day, Janet stopped me at the door. She was pregnant again with baby number two, and at first, I thought she wanted to chat about the upcoming baby shower her mother was hosting.

  Then, her face grew serious. “We need to talk, Natalie.”

  “Can it wait until tomorrow? I’m in a hurry to get back to Gage. He’s leaving for Thailand tomorrow and—”

  “It can’t wait.” The gravity on Janet’s face scared me, giving me no choice but to stay. Was something wrong with her baby? Maybe John was being transferred and they were moving.

  As we walked back to her office, my mind reeled with possibilities of why she needed to talk to me. Maybe Tanya had said something about me asking her to sign off on my chart. Or maybe someone reported me for forging the other nurse’s signature.

  I slipped my hand in my pocket and touched the pills. I really wanted to swallow them now, but I didn’t dare risk getting caught.

  Don’t worry, I told myself. She probably just wanted to remind me that hospital policy stated two people needed to be present for the disposal of drugs. It was one of those wink-wink-do-as-I-say-not-as-I-do policies.

  Squaring my shoulders, I entered Janet’s office, shocked to find two Chicago police officers standing with Mr. De Young, a hospital administrator.

  “What’s going on?” I asked, my stomach churning.

  Mr. De Young wasted no time in answering my question. “Were you aware, Natalie, that the hospital recently installed security cameras in the med room?”

  “No, I . . .” My throat went dry.

  Mr. De Young continued. “You’re being terminated, effective immediately. These officers will be taking you into custody. The hospital intends to press charges, so I hope you have a good lawyer, Ms. Jones.”

  My mind raced for something I could say in my defense, but what? If they had video cameras in the med room, I didn’t stand a chance of arguing my way out of this.

  I glanced at Janet, but she refused to look at me. Had she seen the video recording?

  One of the officers read the charges against me as he handcuffed me. He searched my pockets and set the pills on the desk.

  Then, he read me my Miranda rights. Like a common criminal, I was led through the ER and out to the patrol car. Devastated, I squeezed my eyes tight, thinking I should’ve swallowed those pills while I had the chance.

  Chapter 23

  Natalie – 2017

  When Gage brought Dash home on Tuesday after dinner, he asked if I had time to talk. Afraid he was going to ask if I’d participated in a prison nursery program like the one we’d discussed on Sunday, I said I was too busy tonight.

  “It’s important,” he said, squatting to pet the dog. “It’s about the first week of summer.”

  The first week of summer. That was the week after the musical. The week I planned on telling Dash goodbye and going back to Chicago to turn myself in.

  “What about the first week of summer?” Dash asked.

  Gage winked at Dash. “Never you mind. Your mom and I have to talk about it first.”

  “Can’t I listen?” Dash asked.

  “No,” I said. “Run up and take your shower. When I finish talking to your dad, I’ll come up and read to you before bed.”

  “Okay,” Dash said, his voice agreeable. He was always agreeable these days, something I attributed to having a positive male role model in his life.

  “Come on, Roxy,” Dash called. “Let’s go upstairs.”

  The dog followed, and I turned to face Gage. “Would you like a cup of decaf?”

  “I’d love one.”

  We headed back to the kitchen where I started the coffee. “I also have a little leftover Coke cake if you’re interested.”

  His eyes widened with excitement. “A piece of Coke cake with my coffee sounds wonderful. Yes, I’d love a piece.”

  I prepared our slices of cake and Gage carried them to the table. When the coffee was ready, I joined him.

  Sitting across from me, Gage took a bite of the cake and sighed. “You’ve always been an incredible cook, Natalie.”

  My insides quivered at the way he said my name. “Thanks.”

  He took another bite of cake and a sip of coffee before finally presenting his request. “The reason I wanted to talk to you is because I’d like to take Dash with me when I go back to Chicago to see Adam.”

  I frowned. “You fly all the way back to Chicago to see your prosthetist?”

  Until Gage and I reconnected in the ER all those years ago, I hadn’t realized what an active role a prosthetist played in an amputee’s life. I thought once an amputee got his limb, he was good to go.

  Unfortunately, that couldn’t be further from the truth. Because the stump changed with age and situation, an artificial limb had to be constantly adjusted. Gage saw Adam, his prosthetist, several times a year.

  “I know I need to find someone out here in California,” Gage said with a bashful grin, “but Adam’s the best at adjusting my fit. He also knows when my problems can only be fixed with an upgrade. Besides, going to him gives me a good excuse to see my mother.”

  “You’re going to see your mother while you’re there?”

  He nodded. “Of course.”

  I could only imagine all the horrible things Miriam would say about me in front of Dash, especially if Gage’s trip coincided with the week I went to jail.

  “I know my mother didn’t always treat you right,” Gage said. “And I know I didn’t stand up for you like I should’ve.”

  “You stood up for me.”

  Gage shook his head. “I could’ve done better.”

  I tapped my fork against my plate. “Well, I didn’t exactly make it easy for you.”

  He hesitated before giving a slight grin. “No, you didn’t. But that’s beside the point. Anyway, I want you to know I’ve talked to my mother, and she promises not to say anything bad about you in front of Dash.”

  I gave a sarcastic laug
h. “Just the fact you have to say that makes me nervous about Dash meeting her.”

  “Point taken, but what do you think about Dash coming with me? I guess I’m just excited for everyone to meet him. He’s such a cool kid.”

  I smiled. “I think so.”

  “Everyone thinks so. My entire staff loves him. You’re doing an amazing job raising him.”

  “Thank you.”

  Gage looked down at his coffee. “Anyway, I know it’s a big request, but it’s important to me. My mom and I haven’t been on the best terms since we sold the company. I’m hoping introducing her to Dash will help.”

  “So, you want to use our son as a pawn to get back into your mother’s good graces?”

  Gage smiled. “Something like that.”

  I took one last bite of my cake. “Can I have some time to think about it?

  “Think about what?” Dash asked, coming into the kitchen, wearing his shark pajamas. “Hey, are you eating Coke cake without me? Is there any left?”

  Gage shook his head. “Sorry, buddy. It was so good I had to eat your piece, too.”

  Dash’s eyes widened. “What?”

  “He’s joking.” I stood and walked to the counter to collect the piece I’d saved for Dash.

  “Dad, don’t mess with me like that.” Dash rushed head first at Gage who defended himself by grabbing Dash by the waist and tipping him upside down.

  “Help, help,” Dash yelled, laughing as he flailed his arms and legs.

  I stood watching them, my heart in my throat. I didn’t want to live my life with regrets. The past was the past and there wasn’t anything I could do to change it.

  Yet, watching Dash and Gage made me realize how much my actions had cost the three of us. Had I found a way to overcome my habit earlier, Gage and I could’ve been so happy with Dash. Had I called Gage when Dash was first born, had I been more honest after my sentencing . . .

  Not wanting to think about regrets tonight, I held up Dash’s cake. “Should I just throw this in the garbage, or did you want to eat it?”

  “Eat it!” Dash jumped away from Gage.

  “Come sit down,” I said.

  Dash took the seat next to Gage and began devouring his cake. “Yum. Mom makes the best Coke cake, doesn’t she, Dad?”