Forgiving Natalie

by Kristin Noel Fischer

  She glared at her brother. “I’m just trying to help Gage.”

  “Well, help him by getting rid of the crowd,” Charlie demanded.

  She shrugged. “Okay, fine.”

  “Thank you,” I said.

  She gave me a curt nod before addressing the crowd. “All right, folks. Let’s go back inside and take our seats. The show is about to begin.”

  Thankfully, everyone listened and returned to the auditorium. Dash wiped his tears and looked up at me. “What did Ms. Murphy mean that Mom didn’t go to jail?”

  “I don’t know,” I answered honestly. “I need to talk to your mom and find out.”

  “I want to talk to her, too,” Dash said.

  I glanced at Charlie who instantly understood the situation. Squatting so he was eye level with Dash, he said, “Hey, why don’t you stay with us while your dad goes to the jail to talk to your mom?”

  Dash shook his head. Throwing his arms around me, he said, “I want to go with you, Dad.”

  Charlie stood and gave me a sad smile. Lowering his voice, he told me Dash could stay with him and Tamara for as long as I needed.

  “Thanks.” I placed a hand on my son’s head. “Dash, look at me.”

  Reluctantly, he lifted his head. “I want to come with you, Dad.”

  “I know, but I can’t take you with me.”

  “Because I’m a kid?” Dash asked, his voice angry.

  “Yeah, because you’re a kid.”

  “That’s not fair.”

  “No, it’s not.” None of this was fair.

  Chapter 44

  Natalie – 2017

  During in processing, I tried to block out the image of Dash screaming as the police took me away. Everything I’d hoped to gain by following my list had been lost.

  Refusing to cry, I stared straight ahead. How many other prisoners had stood here feeling hopeless? Probably a lot because incarceration was all about feeling hopeless. How could you not lose hope in a dank and depressing place like this?

  At some point, I was allowed to call Gage. “I’m sorry,” I said as soon as he picked up the phone.

  His response was a slow, audible breath. “Charlie gave me the name of a lawyer. Her name is Allie Fitzgerald, and she’s on her way to see you. I’ll be there shortly, and hopefully, we’ll be able to talk.”

  I couldn’t stand Gage’s detached, businesslike demeanor. I didn’t know if he was scared or simply angry I was putting him through this again.

  “I want you to know I have money saved for my legal fees,” I said. “I also have money saved for Dash’s expenses, so you don’t have to worry about that.”

  “Do you think I’m worried about Dash’s expenses or your legal fees, Natalie?” Anger thickened his voice. “I don’t care about your money. What I do care about is having Sheela tell me you were arrested for not showing up for your surrender date.”

  My stomach twisted. “Sheela told you that? How did she know?”

  “Your background check.”

  The guard walked over to me. “You have one minute to finish your call.”

  I nodded and tightened my grip on the phone. “I never wanted you to find out this way.”

  “Find out what? That you never went to jail? That you’ve been living a lie for the past eight years?”

  “Gage, I never showed up for my surrender date because they never called. My lawyer said they would call, but they never did. After Dash was born—”

  “You didn’t think maybe you should call your lawyer and find out what was going on?”

  “I did—”

  “What were you going to do about Dash if they called or picked you up? Just put him in foster care without ever telling me about him? Did you despise me that much?”

  “No. I didn’t have a plan. I honestly didn’t know what I was going to do. I was just trying to focus on staying sober, one day at a time.”

  “Time’s up,” the guard said, clicking off the phone before I could say goodbye.

  And just like that, my connection to Gage was lost. Devastated, but determined not to cry, I held my head high and waited to be told what to do.

  Chapter 45

  Natalie – 2008

  For weeks, the divorce papers sat on my kitchen counter. Every time I walked past them, my heart broke all over again. How could Gage demand a divorce without even talking to me about it? How could I sign the papers without telling him about the pregnancy?

  Needing legal advice, I called my lawyer only to learn he’d passed away unexpectedly. The firm’s secretary told me my case had been reassigned to one of the other partners. “Let me see who your new lawyer is. You said your name was Natalie Jones?”

  “Yes,” I answered. “That’s right.”

  I listened to the clicking of her computer keys. “Sorry, our system is slow today.”

  “That’s okay,” I said, wondering how often someone used the excuse our system is slow today.

  After what seemed like forever, she finally spoke. “Okay, here you are. You’re currently serving a six-year sentence at—”

  Her other phone line began to ring. “Sorry, let me get this.” Before I could say anything, she put me on hold. Pacing the kitchen, I tried to think.

  Had the court not issued my surrender date because they thought I was already in jail? Had there been some kind of mistake?

  I pressed a hand to my stomach as a sharp pain shot through me. I’d been having little contractions all day, but this one was way more intense than the others. Was I in labor? The baby wasn’t due for another two weeks, so maybe it was just Braxton Hicks.

  Remembering to breathe, I counted to ten and pushed away the pain. When the contraction passed, I realized I’d accidentally hung up the phone when I’d bent over. As I debated whether or not to call the secretary back, another contraction gripped me, sending a bolt of pain surging through me.

  My contractions were getting closer together. Regardless of how unprepared I was for this baby, he was coming. I needed to call my doctor and go to the hospital, but I was paralyzed by fear.

  What if checking into the maternity ward triggered something in the system that alerted the court? What if they arrested me right after I gave birth and didn’t allow me to hold my son?

  For weeks, I’d been avoiding the issue, telling myself I’d know what to do when the time came. I wasn’t usually a procrastinator, but the implications of this decision were so grave, it’d immobilized me. Now I was in labor and still had no plan.

  The contraction ended, and I rubbed my stomach, willing it to relax. “Not yet,” I told my baby. “Just wait a little longer, okay? Give me time to figure out what to do.”

  Hoping to slow my contractions, I went into the bathroom and ran the water for a bath. Roberta, the pregnant prisoner I’d met when I was first arrested, told me prisoners were given just twenty-four hours with their baby. If I was arrested at the hospital, how much time would I be given?

  I took off my clothes and climbed into the bathtub. Sinking into the water, I tried to relax, but the contractions kept coming, one after another, scaring me to death.

  When I leaned forward to shut off the faucet, a pain gripped me so hard it felt like my body was being torn in half. Scared, I reached for my phone in my maternity jeans on the bathroom floor.

  Janet and I hadn’t spoken since she visited me in rehab. Would she be willing to come over and help me? As the phone rang and I waited for her to answer, it took all my self-control not to hang up.

  “Hello?” a little voice said.

  My throat went dry. Janet’s daughter, Maddie, sounded so big. In the background, I heard a baby scream. Was Janet’s second baby a little girl or a little boy?

  “Hello?” Maddie repeated, a little louder this time.

  “Yes. Is your mom home?”

  “Mommy!” Maddie must’ve set down the phone and ran to her mother because I could hear Janet’s voice in the background.

  I don’t know what happened next, bu
t suddenly, the infant started screaming. Maddie followed, and although Janet spoke in a soothing tone, both kids continued screaming at the top of their lungs.

  “Come on, guys. Give Mommy a break,” Janet said, her voice tired.

  My own baby made his presence known with another contraction. Hanging up the phone, I bore down, realizing not only did Janet have too much going on in her own life to help me, but this baby wasn’t waiting any longer.

  Reaching between my legs, I was shocked to feel the baby’s head. He was right there, ready to come into the world.

  During the next few contractions, I pushed as hard as I could. Each time, his head slipped out a little further.

  With the final contraction, I gave it my all. To my astonishment, the infant slid into my hands with a sudden swoosh. Gasping for breath, I looked at my baby and panicked. The cord was wrapped around his neck, and his color looked awful.

  With my hands shaking, I concentrated on unwinding the cord. It seemed to take forever, but finally, I freed him.

  Terrified, I lifted him out of the water. For a moment, he was silent and I feared the worse.

  Then, he sucked in a ragged breath and let out a bloodcurdling scream. “Oh, baby!” Feeling exhilarated, I laughed.

  I’d just delivered my baby by myself, and he was perfect! My head spun with joy as tears slid down my face.

  When his lungs cleared, I brought his little body to my chest and held him tight. “You’re here, sweetheart. You’re here, and you’re the most beautiful baby in the world.” He rooted against me as though still fighting his way into the world. “It’s okay, I’ve got you. I’ve got you and I’m never going to let you go.”

  For a long time, we stayed in the bathtub, skin to skin. I covered his body with a towel, hoping he was warm enough. Once his cries subsided, I laid him in the crook of my elbow and nursed him. I’d read about breastfeeding and I’d seen women nurse their babies before, but nothing prepared me for the overwhelming love and empowerment I felt as I fed my son from my own body.

  Gazing down at him, I studied every inch of him. He was so incredible with his tiny nose and petite ears. When he looked up at me with wide eyes, I thought my heart would burst with joy. His fingertips grasped my skin as he suckled. I placed my finger in his palm, and he squeezed it tight.

  Love, amazement, and complete devotion flooded me. I cried harder than I’d ever cried in my entire life.

  And that’s when I knew I would move heaven and earth to keep us together. No matter what happened, I wasn’t giving up my son.

  If keeping him meant not telling Gage and not correcting the belief that I was already in jail, then that’s exactly what I would do.

  Chapter 46

  Natalie – 2017

  Allie Fitzgerald, the California lawyer Gage hired for me, was a tall, thin woman who’d been practicing criminal law for nearly thirty years. Even though she didn’t smell like smoke, she had a raspy, smoker’s voice.

  Sitting across the table from Allie, I told her my story. Every once in a while she asked for clarification or jotted down a note on her yellow legal pad. Mostly, she just listened. When I finished, she asked if I had a copy of my “to-do” list.

  “Yes,” I said.

  “Good. That will help show you intended to go back to Chicago.”

  “I also have a plane ticket to O’Hare for Monday.”

  She smiled. “Bingo.”

  A bittersweet memory of Dash pierced my heart. He loved car bingo, and on the drive out here, we’d played it for hours. I’d purposely let Dash win on numerous occasions just so I could hear him shout, “Bingo!”

  “What about Ethan?” Allie asked. “You said he stayed with you while you were waiting for your surrender date?”

  “Yes.”

  “Did he play a role in what happened? Did he ever advise you not to turn yourself in?”

  “No.”

  Allie studied me carefully. “Are you aware he died of a drug overdose?”

  My stomach twisted. “No.”

  She nodded. “I did some research after talking to Gage.”

  “Gage told you about Ethan?”

  “Yes. He thinks Ethan influenced you.”

  “He didn’t. I take full responsibility for what happened.” I looked down and tried not to think about the last time I saw Ethan. “How long ago did he die?”

  “Two years ago.”

  Two years? I squeezed my eyes tight. Ethan’s struggle never ended. Once an addict, always an addict.

  Opening my eyes, I stared at my lawyer. “That could’ve been me. Had I not stopped because of Dash—” I shook my head, unable to finish.

  “But it wasn’t you. The fact you were able to overcome your addiction will work in your favor.” She went on to discuss a few more details regarding my case. Then, she gave me her prediction of what would happen.

  Tomorrow morning, I’d stand before a judge for my arraignment. Most likely, I wouldn’t make bail and would have to stay in the county jail until I was extradited to Chicago. Once there, I’d meet with a lawyer licensed in Illinois who would advise me of my options. After that, it would be up to the court to decide what happened to me.

  “Do you think I’ll be given additional jail time because I wasn’t more proactive in turning myself in?” I asked. “I never called back to correct the secretary about not being in jail.”

  “I honestly don’t know. A lot of it will depend on the judge. The court made a clerical error in believing you were already incarcerated. Your lawyer’s office never followed up with that assumption even after you called. You never moved or changed your phone number. For some reason, you got lost in the system. Sometimes that happens with low-profile cases like yours, although the error is usually corrected.”

  Allie jotted down a few more notes before looking at me. “Is there anything else I should be aware of? Any questions you have for me?”

  I hesitated. “Given everything I’ve told you, if you were me, would you have done the same thing?”

  She hesitated. “I honestly don’t know. And it doesn’t matter. What you should care about is whether or not the judge hearing your case would’ve done the same thing.”

  Chapter 47

  Gage – 2017

  The next morning, I waited at the county jail for what felt like hours. I’d scheduled my visit with Natalie online, and even though I arrived before my appointed time, I still had to wait.

  A guard finally called my name. I followed her into a room filled with a line of phones separated by a glass wall. She directed me to a chair where I sat and waited some more. Eventually, Natalie appeared on the other side of the glass.

  My chest sank at the sight of her dressed in prison garb. She wore no makeup, and her hair hung limply at her shoulders. I wanted to shatter the glass barrier between us and get her out of this place.

  I’d been frustrated when we talked on the phone after her arrest yesterday. Now, I was just sad and full of regret. There were so many things I would’ve done differently, starting with never leaving her that night I found her in the bathroom with my prescription. She’d needed my help, not my judgment.

  Natalie picked up the phone, and I did the same. “I’m sorry, Gage.”

  “I’m sorry, too.” I pushed out a slow breath, thinking the phrase I’m sorry had the power to change the course of a conversation.

  “How’s Dash?” she asked.

  “He’s all right. He had his basketball tournament today. He didn’t want to go, but Charlie and Rhodes convinced him the team needed him.”

  Natalie blinked back tears. “Will you tell him I love him and I’m sorry?”

  “I already did.”

  “Thank you.”

  “Your lawyer said they’re going to let you have an in-person visit tomorrow. I was thinking about bringing Dash.”

  “No. Don’t bring him. I don’t want him to see me like this.”

  I was taken aback by her adamant rejection of the idea. “It might be goo
d for him. It might help him see you’re okay.”

  She shook her head, her eyes determined. “No. Someone as pure and sweet and innocent as Dash shouldn’t come here. In order to see me, he’d have to empty his pockets and walk through security. I can’t stand the thought of them patting him down, searching for weapons. Please, Gage, promise me you won’t bring him here. Maybe later, but not now, okay? Just tell him I love him and I’m thinking about him every second of the day.”

  I nodded even though I disagreed. Natalie needed to see Dash, just as much as he needed to see her.

  “Did you talk to my lawyer?” she asked, changing subjects.

  “I did.” Natalie had given her lawyer permission to tell me everything, so now I understood what she was facing. “I gave Allie the list.”

  “Did you read it?”

  I nodded. “I know it took tremendous effort for you to come here. And—” My voice cracked.

  “Gage.”

  Smiling, I pushed through my emotions. “I’m just so grateful you came. I’m grateful you introduced me to Dash and we had this time together.”

  “Me, too.”

  “I love you, Natalie. I want you to know that I’m going to do everything possible to help you. You said you have money for a lawyer, but I have money too. If we put our money together, maybe we can find a way to keep you out of prison.”

  “I love you, too.” Blinking away tears, she smiled sadly. “But Gage, I don’t think keeping me out of prison is possible.”

  “Maybe not, but I’m still going to fight with everything I have to bring you home.”

  *

  After talking with Natalie, I drove back to town, trying to figure out how to explain everything to Dash. So far, I’d been vague about why Natalie had been arrested.

  Parking my truck on Charlie and Tamara’s steep street, I turned the wheels toward the curb and set the emergency brake. Before moving to San Francisco, I’d used the emergency brake twice in my life. Now, I used it every time I parked.