I resist the urge to throw my arms around him and comfort him. Why do I still have these feelings for him?
‘There never was a friendship. I certainly don’t hurt or abandon my friends. You have hurt me and quite honestly I am not interested in being friends with a person who has no regards for other people’s feelings,’ I stand up to leave.
Caspar stays quiet. I think he realises there is nothing more he can say to me right now. He looks deflated. It does wrench my heart a little to leave him like this. I realise I still love him very deeply but I also know I don’t like him. I need to get out of the coffee shop. I head out into the street and let out a big sigh of relief. I am pleased I got to tell him how I feel. I have to stop putting other people’s feelings before mine. I also need to stop being so nice to people who treat me badly.
Chapter 16
I head back to work feeling quite sad. This is most likely the end of any further interaction with Caspar. I should be absolutely buzzing that I finally stood up for myself. I am proud of that but my extreme sadness confirms that I am still in love with him and I haven’t gotten over him.
There is no going back to him now that he has a child with Alice. He clearly has a complicated relationship with her and there is a lot of history between them. Not to mention feelings. I feel like I have lost him all over again.
I work quietly in my office for the rest of the afternoon. I have no appointments with clients which is a relief as I don’t have the energy to deal with anyone. Nic comes to my office at the end of the day.
‘I’m just heading home to cook dinner,’ she announces as she comes into my office. ‘Come over whenever. Food should be ready in about an hour.’
‘Thanks Nic, did you want me to bring anything over?’
‘Just wine if you want some. I’m not drinking tonight,’ she says.
‘No me neither, I don’t feel like drinking either.’
I switch off my laptop, a few minutes later and lock up the office. Nic only lives a few minutes away from me so I have enough time to quickly nip home and have a quick shower. I change out of my work clothes and slip into a pair of comfortable jeans and a short-sleeve top.
Nic is cooking up a feast when I get to her house.
‘I’m having a day off from the diet,’ she announces.
She has made homemade guacamole served with pitta strips to dip. We are having chicken fajitas and sweet potato wedges for the main.
‘So what has been going on?’ Nic asks as she chops up some peppers for the fajitas.
‘I found out why Caspar ghosted me.’
‘Is it awful?’ Nic stops what she is doing and looks at me anxiously.
‘Pretty much the worse scenario imaginable,’ I reach over to pinch a strip of pepper.
‘Surely, it can’t be that bad,’ she goes to the fridge and gets out an onion.
‘Trust me it’s worse than anything you can pretty much think of,’ I tell her.
‘You’ve got to tell me.’
So while Nic is cooking the fajitas, I tell her all about my night out with Shana and finding out about Alice’s pregnancy. I run though my Facebook stalking spree. And finally I tell her what happened at the coffee shop with Caspar today.
‘Bloody hell, I didn’t expect that,’ she says when I finish my story.
‘Funnily enough neither did I, Nic.’ I dip a piece of pitta bread into Nic’s guacamole.
I wish I had brought some wine after all. I could certainly use a drink right now.
‘What did Caspar say about all this?’ she asks.
‘Nothing really, he apologised. I couldn’t be bothered to hear any of his crap excuses so I left.’
‘That’s fair enough but shouldn’t you hear what he has to say?’
‘Nic, what can he say? He got Alice pregnant while he was supposed to be in a relationship with me. What’s the point of listening to some crap excuse about why he did it? It’s not going to change anything.’
‘It might not but I think you should hear him out.’
‘I don’t want to hear anything he has to say.’
‘Look Sammi, you’ve wanted closure on this for ages. You should listen to him if only to get his side of the story. You are basing everything on a few pictures and comments on Facebook and ….’
‘I think it’s all fairly self-explanatory,’ I interrupt her.
‘Not really,’ Nic says quietly.
‘What’s that suppose to mean?’ I ask accusingly.
‘I can see that you are completely devastated by this. You are acting in a reactive way by refusing to let him talk to you.’
‘After what he’s done, you think I am being too reactive?’ I can’t believe what Nic is saying.
‘I just think that you should hear his side if you want to get the closure you’ve been after. I don’t think Shana’s story and Facebook is giving you the full picture.’
‘I’m fine with how it’s been left,’ I say. I can be really stubborn when I want to be.
‘As long as you are sure then I am happy. I’m only looking out for you hun’
Chapter 17
I have just finished another Saturday wedding. Leanna wants us to go to this ‘Yoga in the Park’ event. I don’t really feel like it but I promised her. I am exhausted after a long week and I am ready for a chill out. After the different taster outdoor yoga classes have finished, we take a walk over to the Mindfulness Food Tent.
Unlike Nic, Leanna thinks I did well with the way I handled things with Caspar. I tell her what Nic said about not hearing Caspar out and getting the full facts.
‘No way,’ Leanna disagrees. ‘Like you said what have you got to gain from doing that?’
‘That’s what I told her.’
‘If you can’t be bothered to hear his lame excuses and you’re happy with how you left things, then that’s all that matters.’
‘Exactly,’ I sigh a bit as I say this.
‘What’s wrong?’ Leanna looks at me.
‘I’m not happy about it though.’
‘Neither would I, he totally mugged you off.’
‘I know and I’m fuming about that but I’m also gutted about the whole thing.’
‘That’s normal. Anyone would be if their boyfriend got someone else pregnant.’
‘I suppose, now I know that there is absolutely no chance that anything can ever happen between us.’ I have finally admitted this to someone else.
‘Even though the way Caspar had treated me was unforgivable, I have always held out a small teeny hope that we would somehow be together again,’ I add.
‘Of course not,’ Leanna practically snorts out. ‘I can’t believe you would even think that’s an option.’
‘Leanna, I still have feelings for him. Even though I absolutely hate him and have lived through an emotional hell because of him. There is still something there. He still has a massive effect on me.’
‘You need to get that out of your head. You’re only feeling like this because you can’t have him.’
‘I don’t think that’s why. Anyway he seemed dead set on explaining things to me. You know like there was a reason that I should hear him out but I was so angry, I shut him down.’
‘Honestly Sammi, you need to let him go. You need to get out there and start dating other guys. That will sort you out.’
‘I don’t think I’ll ever get that same connection with anyone else,’ I say sadly.
‘Rubbish, don’t knock it until you’ve tried it.’
We find a Smoothie bar so we stop to buy one and find a nice spot under some trees. The park is really busy, so we sit there drinking our smoothies and enjoy some people watching. Leanna and I like to guess what kind of background stories different people might have. There is a playground just a little way ahead of us.
We watch some of the yummy mummies navigate their way around the park in their designer clothes and super expensive prams. I’m surprised they weren’t here for the yoga, it would have been right up their s
treet.
‘I mean who wears stilettos to take their kid to the park? Leanna scoffs as she watches them in amusement.
‘It’s ridiculous. I’m surprised they haven’t got their au pairs with them.’
‘I suppose they have to give them at least one day off, darling,’ Leanna puts on a posh accent.
The group of posh mums don’t spend too much time playing with their offspring. Once the mini Tarquins and Poppys are playing, they find a couple of picnic tables. They have brought wine and nibbles. Once they have spread out their goodies, they start chatting.
A few minutes later, the mums pause their conversation to check out a fit dad who is bringing his daughter to the playground. Even these haughty mums lose their composure and start giggling like a bunch of schoolgirls. From a distance, I can see that the guy is pretty decent looking. I enjoy the view for a while and I am about to nudge Leanna when I freeze.
Oh god, the guy looks like Caspar. The playground is not that close but as the man approaches the playground, I know it’s him. I recognise his walk and the way he brushes his hair away from his face. He is holding the little girl’s hand. It must be Ellie. She is cute with lovely long brown hair. She is wearing black leggings and a grey sparkly t-shirt.
She breaks away from Caspar and runs over to the swing. She laughs loudly as Caspar pushes her higher and higher.
‘Leanna,’ I tap her arm. ‘It’s Caspar with his little girl.’
‘Where,’ Leanna cranes her neck to get a better view.
‘Over there, at the swings.’
‘Where? I can’t see,’ Leanna starts to stand up so she can see. She has changed her hair colour again to purple and it looks awesome but also very noticeable.
‘Sit down,’ I hiss at her and pull her down. ‘Don’t draw attention to yourself. I don’t want him seeing us.’
‘Calm down, he’s hardly likely to see us,’ she says but she does sit down. ‘I can see why you are struggling to let him go. I forgot he looked so good.’
‘Oh god, what if he sees us? This is so awkward.’
‘Don’t worry, he‘s too busy playing. We can sneak off in a bit.’
‘I can’t believe he is here with her,’ I can’t stop staring at Caspar playing with his daughter.
Leanna’s mobile starts ringing. She smiles when she sees who the caller is.
‘Hold on Sammi, It’s Matt, I have to take this.’ She gets up to move away so she can talk to him privately.
‘Don’t leave me,’ I plead but it’s too late, she’s off. I can hear her giggling at something Matt is saying.
I really hope Caspar doesn’t notice her as she is laughing and talking quite loudly into her phone. I sit closer to the tree hoping that the trunk hides me a little bit. I take my phone out and pretend to be engrossed in my social media feed.
I am so much in my own zone that I practically jump when a ball lands next to me. I pick it up and look round to return the ball to it owner. I practically have a fit when I see Ellie running over to me. Damn it’s her ball. Leanna is still on her phone. Caspar is still quite far away and I can see that he is looking at his phone. Hopefully he hasn’t seen me.
Okay cool, if I quickly throw the ball over to her, she will run back to the playground and Caspar won’t have noticed. I roll the ball over to her direction and she smiles.
‘Thank you,’ she says as takes the ball and runs back over to where Caspar is standing.
He puts his phone away and takes the ball from her. He kicks it over to her and she runs towards it kicking it back. He is so patient and good with her. They are so cute together. I smile as I almost forget what he did to me for a split second.
I go back to looking through my phone. Leanna is taking ages on the phone with Matt. They are going on a date tonight. He is taking her to this amazing restaurant by the river. It is really hard to get a table there due to its Michelin star rating. However, like pretty much all the guys who fall for Leanna, he is smitten. He is always pulling out all the stops to take her on the best dates ever.
This time, I can see that Leanna is equally smitten with him. Leanna doesn’t fall hard for a guy very often but there is definitely something really special about Matt. I am chuffed for her. I realise that I haven’t actually spoken to her about Matt as much as I should have. I have been so wrapped up in my Caspar situation. I realise I haven’t been such a good friend lately.
‘Scuse me,’ I hear a little voice call out. I look up to see Ellie’s ball rolling towards me again. I reach out for it and throw it back. This time Caspar is looking over in our direction.
Oh please don’t recognise me, I pray silently. I can see he is still looking over and he suddenly starts to walk over towards me.
Bloody hell, where is Leanna? I don’t think I can handle seeing Caspar right now. Obviously I am going to have to be civil as Ellie is with him.
‘Sammi, I didn’t realise it was you,’ he says as he approaches the big tree I am sitting under.
I smile tightly back at him. Why can’t he get the message and leave me alone.
‘You know her?’ Ellie looks up at him.
‘Yeah, I’ve known Sammi for a while,’ he smiles down at her. ‘We used to live next door to each other.’
‘Oh, are you friends?’ Ellie looks at me and I realise she is asking me the question.
‘Ummm,’ I really don’t know what to say.
Caspar looks at me waiting for my answer. I can see he is trying hard not to smile.
‘Sort of, I mean we haven’t seen in each other for a long time,’ I try explaining.
‘Cool,’ says Ellie,’ I’m going on the slide.’ She drops the ball down on the grass next to Caspar.
‘Ok darling,’ he ruffles her head before she runs back to the play area.
‘Sorry, I hope you don’t mind me coming over,’ Caspar says apologetically. ‘It’s just that Ellie kicked the ball over and I started running after it. I didn’t realise it was you until I got closer.’
‘It’s fine,’ I say coolly.
‘Look Sammi, I respect what you said the other day. I deserve everything you said.’
‘Good, then you’ll go now.’
‘Not until I can tell you my side, please Sammi,’ he looks at me pleadingly with those amazing green eyes.
‘Why don’t you just leave it Caspar,’ Leanna has returned from her call and she must have heard what he said.
‘Leanna, hi,’ Caspar turns towards her direction.
‘She doesn’t want to speak to you so just drop it,’ Leanna doesn’t bother saying hi back.
‘I’m just trying to get Sammi to hear my explanation. I think she has got the wrong end of the stick.’
‘Look, do you not think it’s a bit much for Sammi? I mean you cheated on her and got Alice pregnant. Now you are here with your daughter. Talk about rubbing her face in it.’
‘Ellie is not my daughter,’ Caspar says in a serious tone.
‘Yeah right,’ Leanna laughs him off. ‘Stop trying to mess with Sammi’s head.’
‘I’m not, she is not my daughter,’ he says again.
I am speechless, I wasn’t expecting this.
‘Shana told us all about it. How come she has your surname?’ Leanna is adamant she is right.
‘Shana’s lying then and how do you know about Ellie’s surname?’ Caspar looks a bit confused.
Great, now I will have to admit that I am a creepy cyber stalker who has been looking up his family and friends. Luckily Leanna has it covered.
‘Caspar, we have social media now. We all have mutual friends with Alice and we’ve seen her posts with Ellie tagged in them.’
‘Ellie is my cousin’s daughter. Alice had a baby with him.’
Wow, I really wasn’t expecting that. I look up at Caspar, then at Leanna.
‘Instead of listening to everyone else and coming up with your own conclusion, which are wrong by the way….. why don’t you actually give me the chance to explain?’ Caspar is talking t
o me now.
‘After the way you treated Sammi, you don’t get to dictate what she does and doesn’t do,’ Leanna steps in front of me. ‘You don’t get to come back after 8 years and call the shots.’
Caspar doesn’t say anything. Ellie is running back over to us.
‘I’ve got to go, but if you actually do want to know what went really happened Sammi, you know where to reach me.’ He takes Ellie’s hand and they leave the park.
‘I leave you alone for a few minutes,’ Leanna jokes but I can see she is worried about me.
‘Are you okay?’ she leans down to check on me.
‘Yeah I suppose. I was so sure Ellie was his daughter but I don’t know what to think now.’ I am stunned at the news.
‘I know, that is a total shock, I didn’t see that coming either.’
‘Looks like Shana was stirring the pot then,’ I am furious at myself for believing her. ‘I always knew she didn’t like me.’
‘I’m sure she didn’t mean to. You’re just being paranoid,’ Leanna says.
‘No I’m not. She’s always fancied Caspar and she hated it when I was seeing him.’
‘I never noticed.’
‘She was quite subtle about it Leanna.’ I can feel myself getting prickly.
‘Well she didn’t technically say Alice got pregnant by Caspar did she?’ Leanna tries defending Shana.
‘She implied it in her tone. She was loving it and she was all smug before she had to conveniently leave the cocktail bar,’ I say bitterly.
‘I think you are being a bit sensitive.’
‘Stop sticking up for her Leanna,’ I say angrily.
‘I’m not Sammi, I just think you are jumping to conclusions.’
‘Whatever,’ I say sulkily.
We stay silent for a few minutes. I am cross with Leanna over the Shana thing and I am completely blown over by what Caspar just told us.
‘So what are you going to do?’ Leanna eventually breaks the silence between us.
I stand up. ‘I don’t know yet but let’s get out of here. You’ve got a date to get ready for.’
‘I can delay my date with Matt if you need me to stick around. And I’m sorry about not believing you about Shana,’ Leanna pulls one of her silly faces at me. ‘You’re right she is a bitch and I won’t hang around with her anymore.’
Ghosted: Wicked Wedding Planners Series Page 16