‘Until my 21st,’ I say quietly.
‘I will never forgive myself for the way I handled that Sammi,’ he looks at me and I can see he means it.
‘It’s not forgivable Caspar. I went through absolute hell for months. No one has ever hurt me like that. I never thought you would be the one to cause me so much pain.’
Caspar looks heartbroken. ‘I’m so sorry.’
‘I’m still waiting to hear what happened that night when you decided to cut me out of your life,’ I remind him.
‘Alice called to tell me she was pregnant. She was hysterical on the phone. I said I would go over and see her so we could talk. But she wasn’t listening and then she hung up on me. I was in shock.’
I sip my tea and wait for him to continue telling me what happened.
‘Mum saw me take the phone call and she could tell something was wrong. I can’t hide my emotions from her,’ he pauses.
‘Go on,’ I sit up a bit higher.
‘Anyway, I was about to tell her about my phone call with Alice. Suddenly Mum’s mobile phone starts ringing. It was Alice and she was much calmer. She tells my mum that she is about to become a grandmother.’
‘You’re kidding,’ I am shocked at Alice’s behaviour.
‘No I’m not. Then a few minutes later she’s at my aunt and uncle’s door and she tells everyone the news. It was awful,’ he rubs his temples.
‘I completely lost track of everything in those few hours. When everything had calmed down it was the early hours of the morning. I was absolutely horrified when I realised I had let you down,’ Caspar looks upset as he tells me this.
‘You could have called me,’ I challenge him.
‘And told you what? That my ex has just turned up to my aunt and uncle’s and announced she is pregnant with my child?’
I don’t know how to answer that one so I let Caspar go on.
‘I’m sure that would have gone down really well. How could I tell you something like that on your 21st birthday?’
‘It would have been better than disappearing out of my life and leaving me to wonder what I had done wrong.’
‘Sammi, I was too scared to tell you. I couldn’t stand to see the hurt in your face or deal with your anger.’
‘That’s not good enough, Caspar.’
‘I know. I was a complete coward. I was under so much pressure. The baby, Alice, my whole family suddenly being thrown into this crazy drama. I felt like my head was going to explode. I wanted to run back to Oz. I couldn’t deal with hurting you so I protected myself by shutting you out.’
‘That’s lame.’
‘I know Sammi and I also know that saying sorry will ever be enough.’
‘No it won’t,’ I agree.
‘Sammi, look at you. You are stunning, so beautiful…’
‘Caspar don’t,’ I interrupt him as I can’t handle the way this conversation is going. I can see the pain in his eyes though and that does make me feel slightly sorry for him.
‘I want you to finish the story,’ I say.
‘What do you want to know?’ he asks.
‘How did you find out the baby wasn’t yours?’
‘The baby’s due date did not tie in with the date we had slept together. If she had been telling the truth, she would have been closer to 3 months pregnant but she was only 5 weeks pregnant at the time.’
‘How did she think she could hide the fact that she was almost 2 months out. I mean no baby is born 6 -7 weeks over the due date.’
‘She wasn’t thinking. Her mum and sisters all gave birth 4 weeks early so she hoped she could get away with it.’
‘But you would have clocked on at the scans.’
‘She was quite sneaky and went to the scans on her own,’ Caspar sinks down the rest of his coffee.
‘Did you never ask to go to the appointments with her?’
‘We weren’t together and she told me she felt more comfortable going with her mother,’ he explains.
‘So how did you find out about the due date then?’
‘She sent over a copy of the baby’s scan in an envelope for me. There was a letter in there too. She must have forgotten to take it out. I read it and saw the due date. I realised that it didn’t sound right so I called Mum. She agreed and told me we should both go and speak to Alice.’
He fiddles with his napkin and continues. ‘She denied it at first and accused me of stressing her out. Mum tried talking to her but she started getting all upset and told us we were harming the baby.’
‘She sounds very dramatic.’
‘In the end I challenged her in a text. I told her that she could either tell me the truth now or I would be asking for a DNA test when the baby was born.’
‘What did she say?’
‘She asked if we could talk alone. I told her that there was no chance of anything happening between us even if the baby was mine. She finally told me the truth.’
‘About your cousin?’ I ask.
‘Yes. After I told her I things were over after I got back from Oz, she chased after Aaron. I don’t know if she was trying to make me jealous. One thing led to another and they had a fling for a few months. He got her pregnant but she never told him. Instead she came up with the idea that if she told me she was pregnant with my child, we would get back together.’
‘That’s messed up.’
‘I know.’
‘How did Aaron feel?’
‘He was stunned because they hadn’t even been in a serious relationship. It was a massive shock for him.’
‘How come you see Ellie then?’
‘Aaron is a decent guy and they share custody of Ellie. I’m close to Aaron so I’ve got to know Ellie over the years. She’s a great kid and I like spending time with her. I was looking after her for a few hours for Aaron that day you saw us at the park.’
I sit there for a while digesting the information Caspar had given me. There is still one major piece of the story missing for me.
‘What is the story between you and Alice?’
‘There’s nothing going on,’ Caspar insists.
‘No, I mean your history? I want to know how you got together in the first place.’
‘We’ve known each other for years. Our parents are all friends. I think our mums met when Alice and I started school. We would have been about 4 years old. We used to hang out all the time. Our families used to joke about how cute it would be if we got married.’
‘And…’ I urge him to continue.
‘By the time we got to secondary school, we were really close. We were becoming teenagers and I suppose there was some sort of love there. It was easy to fall into a relationship. Our families especially Alice’s mother were ecstatic.’
‘So she was your first girlfriend?’
‘Yes, after sixth form, things started to change for me. I wanted to go to university and travel. I realised I didn’t love Alice. We didn’t really have anything in common but I didn’t have the heart to tell her,’ he says.
‘You let things drag on then?’
‘No. I felt stifled and the thought of only ever being with her and getting married freaked the hell out of me. I broke up with her after sixth form.’
‘That must have been hard.’
‘In a way, yes. But we had both changed over the years and I knew things weren’t right. I felt pressured by her mother as well. I tried talking to Alice to see if she was on the same page. I guess I was hoping that she felt the same.’
‘Did she?’
‘No, she totally freaked out and cried. She told me it would destroy her if I left her.’
‘Wow, that’s manipulative.’
‘I was not in a good place and Mum noticed. I told her how I felt and she totally supported me. She told me that she had never had any expectations for us to get married. She even told me that I needed to get out in the world and experience other relationships,’ he gives me a little smile.
‘She talks sense,’ I smile back. I’ve
always liked Bethany.
‘So I broke up with Alice before going to university. She went mental and so did her Mum. It strained the relationship between our parents for a while because Alice’s mother had expected us to get married. She blamed my Mum for supporting my decision,’ he shakes his head.
‘That’s crazy.’
‘I know but I guess it shows you that you don’t always know who your friends are. My parents certainly found that out.’
‘So was that the end of you and Alice, until you slept together when you came back from Oz?’
‘Not quite. When I finished university, I came back to Roseford. Alice begged me to give our relationship another go. She said she had changed and the time apart had been good for us.’
‘What did you say to that?’ I have to say that Alice is very persistent.
‘I said we could give it a try but after a few weeks, I knew it wasn’t working.’
‘Did you end it?’ I feel like an interrogator but there is so much I need to know.
‘Yes, that was it until I got back from Oz.’
‘I thought you guys had some weird open relationship?’ I tell him. I need to find out if Shana was telling the truth about that.
‘I know you’ve said this before. What makes you think that?’ Caspar looks confused.
‘Shana told me.’
‘You’re joking, what did she say?’ Caspar sounds annoyed.
‘Well she told me you used to be in this long-term relationship with a girl called Alice but things got complicated so you had decided to have an open relationship.’
‘That’s a complete lie,’ Caspar looks furious.
‘What is it with Shana, does she fancy you or something?’
‘No, she has always been in love with Alice’s brother.’
‘So that’s why she’s so protective of Alice,’ I now start to understand Shana’s behaviour a bit better.
‘Probably, I don’t really know her that well. Her family used to hang out with our families.’
‘Yeah she has made a point of telling me that on many occasions,’ I say while rolling my eyes.
‘Look I don’t want to spend all afternoon talking about Alice and Shana, I don’t care about them,’ he says. ‘I want to know how you feel after you’ve heard all this.’
‘Oh Caspar, I don’t know, it’s a hell of a lot to take in.’
‘Try living through all of it.’
‘I can see things were hard for you but I can’t forget how you treated me.’
‘Sammi I want to make things up to you,’ Caspar tries to take my hand but I pull it away.
‘I’m not sure you ever can, I only came here to get some closure.’
‘I don’t believe that,’ he looks deeply into my eyes. ‘You know we have a strong bond.’
‘I thought we did,’ I wish he wouldn’t look at me like that.
‘Sammi I know I hurt you badly, but I want us to try and work through things.’
‘Caspar don’t,’ I plead with him.
‘No Sammi, I have spent too much time apart from you, granted it was my fault but I don’t want to lose you again.’
‘I don’t think I can ever trust you again.’ I stare straight into his eyes.
‘Sammi I will prove myself to you, please give me a chance,’ he puts his hand on my arm.
‘I need time to take in everything you have said Caspar, beyond that I can’t see anything happening.’
‘Sammi , I’ll give you time, anything you need,’ he keeps his hand on my arm.
‘It’s too late,’ I look at him sadly and leave The Coffee House.
Chapter 19
A ll these years, I used to fantasize about Caspar coming back and throwing himself at my mercy. He would apologise for his behaviour and pledge his undying love for me. He has said everything I always thought I wanted to hear. But I don’t feel anything but numbness.
The next week at work is busy but it goes smoothly. I am throwing myself into my work and I maintain an efficient and steady work pace. I meet Amelie at Darlington Manor for our appointment with Renata. To my absolute relief, Linda is not there. She is on some luncheon for a women’s group she belongs too. I can’t believe I have been so lucky especially as today is the day we decide menus and decorations.
Amelie looks much more relaxed and I find out she has got a great sense of humour. Something she has been holding back in Linda’s presence. We have a real laugh walking through the ceremony room deciding which types of flower arrangements and she would like.
Renata takes us through to the drawing room so we can discuss buffet choices. Amelie picks a choice of roasted, meats, side dishes, vegetables and puddings to try. We arrange a time for her to come back for a food tasting with James so he can also have a say in the menu.
Even Honey has calmed down and has stopped making anymore pineapple-related requests. Thom has been able to crack on with her cake with no further delays. I have even managed to source enough pineapple flower stems for the flower arrangements. Honey’s dress should be ready next week for final alterations. It was getting very exciting. I am looking forward to seeing her in it.
Mid-week, I receive a bunch of yellow tulips and box of these delicious sugar and spice cookies from this cute little bakery I have always loved. I know straight away they are from Caspar. He has also sent me a letter in a very expensive looking thick cream envelope
I can feel myself beginning to soften when I see that he has remembered how much I love these cookies and that yellow tulips are my favourite flowers. Nic and Jodie think it is a really romantic gesture and they are beginning to think I should give him another chance. I don’t open the letter in front of them much to their disappointment.
‘Oh come on Sammi, we need to know what the letter says,’ they whinge but I am not crumbling under their pressure.
‘Please Sammi,’ begs Jodie in one last ditch attempt.
‘No, I’ll read it in my own time and I’ll decide if and when I tell anyone what it says,’ I take my flowers and letter back to my office.
‘Spoilsport,’ Nic calls out jokingly as I head out to my office.
I hold the envelope and stare at it for a while. He has handwritten my name on the envelope.
Curiosity gets the best of me and I carefully open the letter. What is it about expensive stationary that you don’t want to tear or damage it?
Sammi,
Please don’t be annoyed that I have written to you. It’s the only way I can think of properly telling you how I feel. I hope you are reading this letter and haven’t chucked it away or torn it up.
I giggle as I was considering doing that.
First of all, I really want to emphasize that you never ever deserved to be treated the way I treated you. It was never about you. Just me acting like a coward and feeling scared. I didn’t know how to even start telling you about Alice. I was so scared about how you would react and what you would say. I couldn’t face your anger, disappointment or tears. So instead I ran away from the situation. And left you to deal with the fallout on your own It doesn’t say much about me. I have no defence instead I can only explain my actions.
At the time, when I thought the baby was mine, I was in complete shock.
My head was completely scrambled. As each day and week passed, it became harder to get in touch with you so I took the easy way out and tried to forget about us.
I have listened and taken on board everything you said the other day. I hope you realise that losing you has always been the biggest mistake of my life. I know that doesn’t make sense because I was the one who walked away. I only did that because I thought there was no other way. I was sure I had already lost you if I told you about Alice.
I miss you Sammi. I really hope that there is some way we can get back to being us. I know I don’t deserve it. I also know that I can’t just expect things go back to the way they were.
I’m not the same person I was 8 years ago. I have grown up a lot and I know I want us t
o be together.
Please Sammi, I want you to give some serious thought to what I have said. If you feel the same way, I ask you to give me another chance.
Please meet me in the hot tub at the gym at 8pm on Saturday.
C xx
Wow, I read the letter over a few times. I don’t know what to feel. My heart screams out ‘yes yes yes’. Part of me wants to give him another chance. But my head tells me that I would be a fool to go back there and get hurt again.
What do I do? He is right, he still makes my pulse race and I know I still love him. No one else I have dated has come close to matching how I feel about him.
But how could I seriously get back with him? For a start, I don’t think Auntie Jo or Leanna would approve and I value their opinion. On the other hand, it’s my life and when you love someone, you love someone. I may never meet anyone like Caspar again.
Do I throw everything away because he made a mistake?
But then, what if he does something like this again? It could be something he can’t help, running away from things when they get tough.
My thoughts are interrupted by a knock on the door. It’s Nic.
‘Sorry,’ she says ‘but I just wanted to see if you were okay?’
‘Yeah I am,’ I put the letter back in its envelope.
‘Well?’ she says as she sits down in front of me.
‘Well what?’ I am not going to make this easy for her. If she wants to be nosy, she can work a bit harder to get the gossip.
‘Just wondering what the letter says,’ Nic says sheepishly.
‘Stuff,’ I say. I know I am being juvenile but I can’t help it.
‘Come on Sammi, don’t keep me hanging,’ she pleads with me.
‘Ok fine,’ I take the letter out of the envelope and give it to her. I watch her facial expressions as she reads the letter.
‘That’s some pretty powerful stuff there,’ she looks up from the letter.
‘You’re telling me.’
‘Have you got any idea what you are going to do?’
‘Nope, part of me wants to run straight into his arms. I realise I have never stopped loving him. I fancy the hell out of him and would love nothing more to have our relationship back….,’ I pause.
Ghosted: Wicked Wedding Planners Series Page 18