Spurred On

by Sabrina York

  She crumpled her napkin. “Nooo.”

  “Come on. I see it in your eyes.”

  How annoying that he could practically read her mind. “It is his MO.”

  “But . . . what if he really is into you?”

  “What?” A squawk.

  “What if he really is into you? Would you still want to walk away then?”

  “That’s not a fair question.”

  “It’s the only question. If you knew that Cody had real feelings for you, would that make a difference?”

  She’d never allowed herself to contemplate it. It was far too frightening. Too . . . exhilarating. “I don’t know.”

  “I think you do.”

  “Quit being so fucking empathic.”

  “It’s a gift.” He grinned. “I really like you Sidney. I want you to be happy.”

  “I appreciate that, but I don’t think Cody is capable of real feelings.”

  “And I think you’re letting your past own you.”

  “What?” The. Actual. Fuck?

  “You know it’s true. Sure, he hurt you back then. Pretty bad. It was a shitty thing he did. But everyone has reasons for their actions, even if they’re fucked up. Have you ever asked him why?”

  Yes. No. Maybe.

  “Because I am pretty sure he’s crazy about you now.”

  “Yeah, well, I don’t think I can let it go.”

  He sat back and nodded. “Okay. Then you need to be prepared to live with your choice. But between you, me, and the lamppost, holding grudges only wounds you deeper.”

  She hated when he got all philosophical. Also, “There’s no lamppost in my apartment.”

  “Just sayin’. If it were me, and I still had feelings for someone, feelings I couldn’t release, I’d want to explore them.”

  “We did explore them. At Hanna’s bachelorette party.”

  “And?”

  Aside from her pushing back, it had been amazing.

  She didn’t need to say anything. Ben apparently read it on her face. He nodded. “I’ll ask him how he feels about you.”

  Seriously? How humiliating would that be? “Ben, he knows you and I dated.”

  “Right.” He grinned. “But you never dated Brandon.”

  Her brow wrinkled. “What does Brandon have to do with anything?”

  Ben sighed. “Silly rabbit. Can’t you figure it out? Ben can’t ask him and get a straight answer, but Brandon can.”

  “Oooh.” No wonder he was such an imp. He and his twin had been causing havoc all their lives. “That is wicked. And if he says he likes me, for real?”

  “Then we make him jealous.”

  Oh, please. “What would that accomplish?”

  Ben shrugged. “I don’t know. But at least it’d be fun.” He smiled again, and warmth swelled within her chest.

  Damn, it was awesome having a troublemaker on her team.

  Chapter Twelve

  “I think we’re ready,” Cade said as he stood back and studied the party room, festooned as it was with engagement decorations. “What do you think?”

  “Looks good,” Cody said. He hardly cared. His mind was utterly distracted. Sidney was coming. He’d see her soon. He wasn’t sure if he should be excited or scared to death. He intended to cut her from the herd and speak to her again, hopefully something credible and persuasive . . . but when he practiced his speech, it was usually mostly just nonsense.

  The bottom line was that he didn’t like his life without her. He didn’t much like himself without her either. He planned on offering her a plea for another chance.

  He hoped she would be open to it.

  “You’re doing it again,” Cade said.

  “Doing what?”

  “That gloomy thing with your face.”

  “I don’t do a gloomy thing with my face.”

  “You kind of do. Are you going to be okay?”

  “I kind of have to be. It’s my job.”

  “Listen, Claire, Lisa, and I can handle the party if you want to leave.”

  Leave? Panic trilled through him. “I’m not going anywhere.”

  “Okay. Just thought I’d make the offer.”

  “Thanks. But I’m a grown-up. I can handle it.”

  “I know.”

  They stood there for a moment, staring at the room in silence. Lisa emerged from the butler’s pantry to place another centerpiece on the serving table, and Cade sighed at the sight of her.

  All of a sudden, a maelstrom of envy whipped through Cody. He’d been thrilled when Lisa and Cade found each other, that they’d been able to overcome their issues—not the least of which was the fact that Cody had dated Lisa in high school. Of all the girls he’d dated, she was the one he regretted the most. Well, except for Tibby. He hadn’t realized Cade was in love with Lisa. Hadn’t realized until years later that he was the reason his brother had up and left for the military. Cade hadn’t been able to stand watching Cody and Lisa together. It was a shame, because if he’d known, he would never have asked her out.

  Thank God they’d worked it out. They’d found each other again. They were so happy together.

  Cody had never felt anything but joy for his brother . . . but at the moment it tasted bitter.

  Because he wanted that too. Someone to hold at night. Someone to be loyal to. Someone who was loyal back. Someone who knew him and accepted him, warts and all. Someone who would be there for him until he drew his last breath.

  He wanted a forever thing.

  Worse, he wanted it with Sidney.

  When he looked at any other woman, every other woman, he felt nothing. Nothing.

  It had become clear to him that there was no reason to date anyone else, and he certainly had no inclination to. Beyond that. Other women might as well have been statues, that was how much they moved him. His every thought, hope, and dream revolved around her.

  Which was probably why he asked, apropos of nothing, “How did you know you loved Lisa?”

  Cade glanced at him, his eyes hooded. “How did I know?”

  Cody stubbed his toe into the hardwood. It didn’t budge. “Yeah.”

  “I always loved her.”

  “Even when I was dating her?”

  “Even then.”

  Shit.

  “But later, when you met again . . . How did you know she was the one?”

  “Because it hurt so bad when I wasn’t with her, I guess. When she smiled, my whole world lit up. When I realized I wanted her to be happy, even if it meant I would lose her. That’s real love, I think.”

  “I’m glad you didn’t have to go that far to make her happy.”

  Cade chuckled. “Me too. But it wasn’t an easy road. I doubt it ever is. The key is, don’t give up.”

  Don’t give up. Great advice. He didn’t intend to.

  “Do you think you love Sidney?” Cade asked.

  Something sizzled through Cody’s bowels. “I know I do,” he said, but he said it so softly he doubted his brother heard.

  All he had to do was convince her of that fact.

  It would probably be even more difficult than he imagined.

  ***

  It was hard as hell walking into the Double Stud ranch house and seeing Cody there, standing next to Cade, Lisa, and Claire, welcoming all the guests. Ben’s hand on her arm helped immensely, as did the expression on Cody’s face when he noticed that.

  Of course, when they arrived, all together as they did, there was such a cacophony that no one else saw Cody pale.

  The Wilders by themselves were like a whirlwind crowding into the foyer. Sam, Diane, Louisa, Hanna, Logan, Rafe, and Brandon—who wore an outfit that matched Ben’s, with the exception of their black and white Stetsons. But Dad and Mom arrived at the same time, as well as Ford McCoy, Crystal, and Po
rsche, who was dressed to kill and had eyes for Cody. Grabby-hands eyes, if that were at all possible, but with Porsche it was.

  It was a zoo.

  If Sidney hadn’t been so wired, she would have truly enjoyed the reunion with everyone. As it was, one annoying fly in the ointment buzzed in the periphery of her consciousness. She longed to swat him.

  While they were all enjoying catching up, a tall, gorgeous hunk in a cop outfit stepped into the foyer, and Sidney blinked. She hadn’t realized there would be strippers at this party. But, to her surprise, the hottie headed over and kissed Claire.

  Kissed. Claire.

  Sidney’s jaw dropped.

  Claire had a boyfriend.

  Holy crap.

  She shot a look around the crowd, but no one else seemed shocked, which meant this was hardly a new development. How annoying that Claire hadn’t let her know. She shot her friend a glower, which had the unfortunate effect of making Claire laugh. She hooked arms with her hottie cop and dragged him over.

  “Hey Sidney,” she said with a hug. “Long time.”

  Sidney flicked a glance at Hottie McHotterson. “I guess.”

  Claire laughed again. Apparently she was happy about something. “Meet Charlie. He’s the new sheriff in town.”

  “Nice to meet you,” she said, holding out her hand. “This is Ben Wilder. My date.”

  It was Claire’s turn to boggle. “Your . . . date?” Why she flicked a glance at Cody was a mystery. Or not. “How, ah, how long have you been dating?”

  “Not long enough,” Ben said with a glimmer in his eye. He pulled Sidney closer and kissed her brow.

  “How long have you been dating?” Sidney asked Claire, with only a slight bite to her tone. Her expression added, And why the hell didn’t you tell me you had a honey?

  Claire and Charlie exchanged a glance like an old married couple who had to exchange freaking glances before they answered a freaking question. Honestly. What was it that happened to people when they hooked up? Was it some kind of Vulcan mind meld? Did half their brain disappear?

  “A couple months,” Charlie said.

  “A couple months.” Sidney fixed Claire with a frown. “Did you lose my number?”

  Claire flushed. “I did not.”

  “We’ve . . . been busy,” Charlie said with a too-wide grin.

  “Besides, you never called to tell me you were dating.”

  Well, there was that.

  “I think it’s awesome,” Ben said, effectively shattering the awkwardness. “We’re all dating. And blissfully happy.” His grin at her was positively wicked.

  “Blissfully happy,” she repeated. She couldn’t help glancing at Cody. His expression was dark. A muscle bunched in his cheek. A thrill shot through her. She told it to shut up. “Shall we go in?” she asked Ben and was relieved when he smiled and led her toward the party room. But her anxiety didn’t ease, because she felt Cody’s scowl following her.

  “Relax,” Ben whispered. “This is supposed to be fun.”

  “Is it?”

  He chuckled. “Yes.”

  And she did have fun. A lot more fun once she had a couple of drinks in her.

  She knew and loved almost everyone in the room, and they were an entertaining crowd. Everyone was excited and delighted to be here. The energy was uplifting.

  She was able to thrust Cody from her mind as she caught up with old friends and danced with almost every man there.

  Every man but Cody. Cody barely looked at her, especially when she was with Ben.

  For his part, Ben didn’t stick to her side like glue, which she appreciated, because it gave her the freedom to mingle and chat, but he did check in on her frequently. He was, literally, the perfect man.

  Her gaze drifted from Ben to Cody, who’d claimed the microphone and was calling Hanna and Logan up onstage. Her heart flipped at the sight of him, which was annoying. She tried to ignore it.

  Also annoying was the fact that Hanna had insisted on a lap dance at this party, and Logan was about to perform it.

  “Brother.” She dropped down at Porsche’s side with a huff. “I can’t believe they’re actually doing that in front of everyone.”

  Porsche shot her a smirk. “Your dad seems to be enjoying it.”

  Sidney grimaced as she saw her father whooping and hollering and tossing dollar bills onto the stage. “Doesn’t make it any less disturbing.”

  “Yeah. I guess.” Porsche sighed. “It’ll be over soon.”

  “One can hope.”

  “Hey, you two,” Amy said as she sidled into the chair next to Porsche with two glasses. Apparently Amy was a two-fisted drinker.

  “What are you drinking?” Porsche asked.

  “Tequila.” She thrust out the cup. “Want some?”

  “How much do you have in there?”

  Seriously. Two full glasses of tequila.

  Amy shrugged. “There was a long line at the bar. I figured I should plan ahead.” She set another tumbler on the tabletop in front of Porsche. “I brought one for you too.”

  Porsche grinned. “I knew there was a reason I liked you.”

  Amy frowned as she shot a look from Sidney to Porsche. “You two don’t look like you’re having a good time.”

  “You didn’t bring me any tequila,” Sidney felt the need to mention.

  “Oh, it’s a wonderful party,” Porsche muttered at the same time.

  “Well,” Amy said, “I am just thrilled for Hanna and Logan. Did you hear he’s taking her to Paris for their honeymoon?”

  Sidney sighed. “She loves Paris.”

  “She loves Logan.”

  Porsche smiled. “Logan is great.”

  “He is.”

  “I’m glad they found each other,” Sidney said. And it was true—she was.

  “Every woman deserves to win her dream man.” Annoyingly, Porsche’s gaze flicked to Cody, all wistful and shit.

  Sidney bit her cheek as irritation rippled through her. “Drool much?”

  Porsche glared at her. “What?”

  “You heard me. I see you staring at him. Honestly, Porsche. Don’t tell me you still have the hots for Cody.”

  “I was not staring at him.”

  Please. Who was going to believe that? But it hardly mattered, didn’t it? She was done with him. Avoiding him. Right? “It’s okay,” she muttered. “If you want him, take him.” The second she said it, she regretted it.

  Porsche reared back. “I wasn’t aware I needed your permission.”

  “But he’ll use you. He’ll use you and toss you aside just like he’s done each and every time he’s had a girlfriend. You know what he’s like. Utterly incapable of commitment.” Her own vitriol surprised her. And the others. They both stared at her in silence.

  At long last, Amy said, “Hookay . . .”

  “Come on. We all know him. He’s the most arrogant, self-absorbed man on the planet.”

  Amy shrugged. “Sometimes the most arrogant people are really the most insecure.”

  Sidney snorted. “I wouldn’t classify Cody Silver as insecure.”

  Amy frowned. “You never know what’s really happening inside someone’s head or heart. You never know what drives them to do what they do.”

  “Are you calling me judgmental?”

  “Of course not. I’m just suggesting that you don’t know everything.”

  “I know enough.” Enough to make her soul wail and ache. Enough to fill her life with anger and regret and cynicism.

  She hated this. She hated how he made her feel. Hated how her bitterness owned her. She was not a bilious, malicious person. She didn’t want to be.

  She recalled Ben’s advice and cringed. He was right. It was time to let go of her hostility, time to release her pain. No one else would do it for her. And she
would never find happiness with a man, any man—or even happiness without one—until she did.

  She owed it to herself.

  All she needed to do was figure out how.

  ***

  It hurt.

  It hurt watching Sidney with Ben. Watching them dance, laugh, chat. It even hurt when Ben was milling about the room without her, because the bastard’s gaze was almost always on her.

  What made it even worse was that Ben was his buddy.

  That meant, if Ben and Sidney became an item, Cody would have an untenable choice. He could either cut himself off from his friendship with Ben—and all the Wilders—or he could suffer, watching the two of them exchange goo-goo eyes for eternity. He wasn’t sure which was worse.

  He was so discombobulated that when he saw Ben heading toward him he almost turned and ran. But then he realized, he was wearing the white hat. It was Brandon. Relief flooded him.

  “Hey buddy,” Brandon said with a grin.

  “Hey.”

  “Great party.” Brandon turned and leaned against the wall, staring out at the festivities. “You got a real nice place here.”

  “Thanks.”

  “Of course”—Brandon shot him a wicked look—“this will probably be the only time I’ll attend a Stud Ranch party.”

  “There’s a pity.” Cody looked him up and down. “I bet the ladies would love you.”

  “Son, the ladies already love me. I don’t need to go shakin’ my moneymaker.”

  “Hey, don’t knock it ’til you’ve tried it.”

  They both laughed, and then Brandon sobered. “My brother has a girlfriend now.”

  Cody grunted. “I noticed.”

  “And Cade has Lisa.”

  “Yeah.”

  “I . . . can’t help feeling a little left out.”

  He had no idea. Both Cade and Claire were in love with someone, which left Cody feeling distinctly alone.

  “I was kind of surprised when I heard about Ben and Sidney.”

  Brandon’s casual comment gored him like a steak knife to the gut. He hadn’t been expecting it. “Yeah. Me too.”

  “I don’t know why, but for some reason I thought you and Sidney had a thing.”

  His gaze whipped to Brandon’s face. “Really?”

  “Didn’t you two have a thing once?”