by Claire Adams
“Oh,” she said, sounding immediately nervous. “No, really, that’s not necessary. All I really wanted was an apology, and now that I’ve got it, I’m happy.”
“That’s big of you, but you did suffer through weeks of my uncouth behavior towards you,” I said. “So it’s only fair that I try to make amends by taking you out to dinner.”
Her eyes went wide with surprise. She had clearly not expected that, and I was a little surprised at my own suggestion. I had made a spur-of-the-moment decision, but I realized that I didn’t want to rescind the offer.
“What do you say?” I asked.
“Uh… Well… I don’t know.”
“It’s the least I can do,” I insisted. “I have a meeting today at six. Hopefully, it should finish by seven, seven-thirty the latest. We can go for dinner afterward. I know this great little fusion place a few blocks from here.”
She just sat there silently for a while, considering my offer. “Tonight?” she asked tentatively.
“Yes,” I nodded. “Unless you have plans?”
“I don’t.”
“Great,” I nodded. “Then it’s settled?”
“Um…sure.”
I smiled. “Great, I’ll call my babysitter and tell her she needs to stay a few hours longer.”
Kristen hesitated for a moment. “I guess… I’ll get back to my desk then.”
I nodded and watched her walk out. She definitely had similarities to Daphne, but there was something different about her, too. She was unlike Daphne in that she was a little shyer and a little less confident. But I sensed that Kristen had the same strength that Daphne had—she just didn’t know it yet.
Chapter Twelve
Kristen
I had to admit it; I was freaking out just a little bit. He had basically asked me out. Okay, so maybe he hadn’t really asked me out... But he was taking me out to a restaurant for dinner. Yes, it was after work, and we’d be dressed professionally, and we’d probably spend the whole night talking about the company and the recent business merger that went through, but it was still dinner… Alone… With Jake.
I ran to the bathroom the first chance I got and stared at my reflection in the mirror. I was glad I had opted for the white blouse today, but I still looked like someone’s secretary.
“Stop it,” I told myself. “Who cares what you’re wearing; this is not a date. It’s just an apology dinner.”
It was hard to calm down, however, and I found myself reaching into my purse and refreshing my lipstick and straightening out my hair as though I was getting ready for the date. When seven o’clock came around, I found myself checking the time every five seconds. Finally, Jake emerged at seven-ten.
“Are you ready to head out?” he asked casually.
“Yes,” I nodded.
We walked together towards the company parking lot where Jake had a special parking spot cordoned off especially for him. To my utter surprise, he held the passenger side door open for me. I slipped into the seat and tried to remember the take deep breaths. A moment later, Jake slid into place beside me, and we headed off. His car was a fancy sports model, but I was more impressed with his driving. He was sensible on the roads and didn’t drive like he had an ego.
When we got to the restaurant, it was unbelievably crowded. I looked awkwardly at Jake. “Um, I think we might need a reservation to get in here.”
“Don’t worry,” he replied. “We have one.”
I was oddly flattered that he had called earlier in the evening to book a table. We were led to the back of the restaurant that featured little alcoves partially cut off from the rest of the space and offering up a little privacy. I slipped into the booth and reminded myself to breathe again. We ordered our food immediately, and Jake took the liberty of ordering drinks, too. Then the waiter disappeared, and it was just Jake and me, sitting across the table from one another.
“You must be relieved that Hatanaka and Company agreed to the deal,” I said, blurting out the one safe thing I had thought about on the way here because I was too afraid of the silence.
“I am,” Jake nodded. “It’ll ease up things considerably for the company, and it means we can expand our budgets in a few places.”
“That’s great,” I said. “How was Mr. Hatanaka?”
Jake raised his eyebrows. “Do you really care?”
I snorted with laughter. “Not really.”
“I didn’t think so.”
“I just…”
“Talking about work is safe,” he said, finishing my sentence much more eloquently than I would have. “I get it.”
He was different tonight, and I could see the change in his face. He was smiling with his eyes, not just with his mouth. His dark blue eyes were clearer and more open, and he seemed more relaxed, too, as though talking to me earlier had released all the frustration he had pent up over the course of the last few weeks.
“Did I mention how sorry I am for what happened the night you babysat Noah?” he said.
I smiled. “You’ve already apologized, Jake.”
“I know, but given how late it was, I think I need to reiterate,” he said. “And, as you mentioned yourself…you could have been raped or murdered. And if your dismembered corpse had been found in some alleyway, I would have been devastated.”
I blushed scarlet. “Oh God,” I said, putting my head in my hands. “I wrote that, didn’t I?”
“You did,” he replied, and he sounded intensely amused.
“Is there any way you could delete that email?” I groaned.
“Not a chance,” he said, shaking his head. “I quite liked that email, once I got over all the insults; it was actually quite interesting to read.”
“You’re making fun of me now, aren’t you?”
“Only in the best possible way.”
I laughed. “Is there such a thing?”
“Of course,” Jake nodded.
The waiter brought over our drinks, and I took a sip and allowed myself to relax a little. Now that we were out of the stifling air of the office, I found that I was a little more at ease.
“How is Noah?” I asked, repeating my question from this morning.
“He’s good,” Jake replied. Then he let out a big sigh. “I didn’t know about his leaf project until you mentioned it.”
“Well…you’re busy.”
“Too busy for my own son?” It sounded like this was something he beat himself up about all the time. “I should have known about the damn project. I should have been there to help him with it.”
“That’s the thing about being a single parent,” I said comfortingly. “You can’t be there for everything.”
“He’s such a good kid.” Jake sounded sad. “He deserves better.”
“He has a father who loves him,” I said. “In my opinion, he’s already won. Trust me, I never had a father who cared, and it affected me a lot growing up.”
I felt instantly exposed as Jake’s eyes landed on me. In order to pass over the moment, I jumped ahead before he could ask me about my deadbeat dad or sordid past.
“Noah knows how much you love him,” I said. “He talked about you a lot when I was babysitting him.”
“Did he?” Jake asked, sounding pleased and maybe even a little hopeful.
“Of course,” I nodded. “He spoke about how brave you were when you were a ‘fighter,’ as he put it, and how you row boats now.”
Jake smiled. “He hasn’t quite figured out what I do now.”
“Give him a few years.”
“Right,” he laughed.
It was so strange to me how different he was. This was not Jake the CEO or Jake the single father or even Jake, Major in the military. This was Jake without all the titles and roles. This was the man as he truly was, without the constraints or responsibilities of all the things connected to him. It was this change that made me see what Daphne would have seen in him all those years ago.
He was not just a handsome man. He was charming, he was fun
ny, he was interesting, and in little unexpected moments, he could be vulnerable, too. I could sense that my attraction to him was beginning to grow, and it was starting to scare me. That was not the point of this dinner. That was not the point of me entering into his life.
“Jake?” I said, starting gently.
“Yes?”
“You never really explained to me why you got so mad that night before you…ah…asked me to leave.”
Jake smiled at the diplomatic way I chose to phrase my sentence. He paused for only a second, but I realized he wanted to answer me.
“I worry about Noah a lot,” he said at last. “He’s a sensitive kid, and he tends to form attachments fast—especially to women.”
It was the closest he had ever come to mentioning Daphne, and I felt a little pang in the pit of my stomach. I knew I was being deceitful by sitting opposite him without ever mentioning the fact that I knew his wife, but I couldn’t bring myself to say so now. I couldn’t bear the thought that he might get up and walk out. I wanted him to open up to me… That hope by itself told me that I was in way over my head, but it was impossible to extricate myself from the situation now.
“Oh,” I said, waiting for him to continue.
“He has only me, and I’m not around half the time. He doesn’t really have grandparents anymore, and my wife and I were both only children. After school, he spends all his time with Janet, and…she’s not the warmest person in the world. I don’t think she has much patience for children.”
“She did seem a little disinterested,” I agreed. “Mind you, I only met her for five minutes.”
“She came so highly recommended that I thought I couldn’t go wrong,” he sighed. “But I’m thinking of finding someone new for Noah. He needs someone who will love him, someone who will nurture him. It’s important for him to have a strong, healthy mother figure in his life.”
“Is that why you got so upset?” I asked. “You saw me with Noah and—”
“It stirred up a few things for me,” Jake said, interrupting me. “Some related, but others not so much. I’d just had a long week, and I had been drinking for the first time in months. The combination wasn’t the best.”
I nodded. “It’s understandable.”
“You’re sweet,” he smiled. “I didn’t really expect you to forgive me so willingly.”
“I could tell that you meant it when you apologized to me…at least the second time around,” I smiled.
He nodded. “You’re not from San Diego, are you?”
“No,” I replied, tensing slightly. If I wasn’t careful, this line of questioning could lead me into real trouble. “I’m from Michigan.”
“Tell me about your family.”
I suppressed the urge to bite my lip. Instead, I smiled and shrugged. “Nothing much to tell… I had a non-existent father, a naïve mother with her head stuck in the clouds, and a pet rabbit that I called Thumper.”
“Thumper?” he repeated. “As in Bambi?”
“Wow, you know your Disney.”
“I have a four-year-old,” he replied. “I have to.”
“Still, it’s impressive,” I said. “See? You’re obviously doing something right as a father.”
Jake smiled at my compliment, but he didn’t comment on it. Instead, he picked up the last thread of conversation seamlessly and ran with it.
“So, you were an only child, too?”
I nodded. “I was,” I said. “It was lonely growing up without any brothers or sisters. Which was why Thumper was so important to me. My father moved back in with us when I was about eleven. And since he hated all animals, Thumper had to go.”
“That’s awful.”
“I cried for weeks,” I admitted. “It was honestly like someone had died.”
“He was in and out of your life, huh?”
“Pretty much,” I nodded. “He was one of those guys leading a double life… He used us when he needed to and then left us high and dry when he had better opportunities on the horizon.”
Jake’s eyes were gentle all of a sudden. “It must have been hard growing up like that.”
I shrugged awkwardly. “Thank you for this dinner,” I said because I was grateful, but also because I wanted to change the subject.
“You don’t have to thank me; this dinner was more than deserved.”
“Does this mean you’ll stop being an ass to me at work?”
He smiled. “I can do that.”
“Good,” I said. “That’ll make my life a whole lot easier.”
We spent the whole night talking and laughing about different trivial things. And the more time I spent with just Jake, I realized that I was in real danger of falling down the rabbit hole.
Chapter Thirteen
Jake
After dropping Kristen off at her tiny little apartment block, I drove around the neighborhood a couple of times. I don’t know why I did; I suppose it was because I knew that Noah would be sleeping and I needed to calm down a little bit.
I wasn’t wired or anything. I just had this little surge of adrenaline running through my system that was making me think of things I hadn’t really thought about in years. I kept remembering the way Kristen’s white blouse had opened a little at the neckline every time she leaned in. It was a modest amount of cleavage that I’d glimpsed, but it had been enough to get me a little hot under the collar.
I hadn’t been that affected by a woman’s cleavage since Daphne. And that was at the beginning of our marriage. I remembered the first time Daphne and I had had sex. She had entered my bunk one night while my bunkmate had been at dinner and climbed into bed with me. She had undressed me silently, and then we had fucked quickly before we could be interrupted. Then she had climbed off me, gotten dressed, and disappeared from my room.
The memory had held me through some tough nights when we had been separated over the first few years of our career. But now, it brought my only sadness. It felt like a lifetime ago—and it felt as though the girl who had snuck into my room just to seduce me had disappeared long before her death.
Kristen’s neighborhood was kind of homey, but there was raggedness about it, as though it were trying to straighten itself out, but the effort was too much. I wondered why I was so interested in her life all of a sudden. She had been my secretary for months now, and I had never felt the need to know more about her. I realized with a start that dinner tonight had been a pivotal shift for me.
Now she was not just my secretary. She was a fully formed person, with a past and a story and a bag full of history that had followed her here from Michigan.
A part of me knew it had been a mistake to take things so personally. She had called me Jake all evening, and I had accepted the change happily. It felt nice and familiar, and I realized how much I had missed that. When I couldn’t stall anymore, I drove back to my apartment, comparing it mentally in my head to Kristen’s. Mine was huge and spacious and even extravagant if you put them side-by-side. I decided not to think about that.
I heard the television running when I walked in. The moment I set my keys down on the table, Janet turned it off and stood up.
“Jake,” she said. “You’re here.”
“I hope I’m not too late,” I said, taking pains to be polite.
“I actually expected you to be later than this,” she replied.
“Listen, Janet,” I said. “About the last time… I’m sorry I gave you a hard time about leaving. You cleared it with me beforehand, and I should have remembered.”
She seemed pleasantly surprised by my apology, and I realized that my dinner with Kristen had vastly improved my mood and my attitude.
“Thank you for that,” she nodded.
“How’s your father?”
“He’s doing as well as can be expected,” she replied. “But the chemo is difficult for him. I think he just likes having family there with him: helps make it a little easier.”
“Of course,” I nodded. “I can’t imagine what you’re going t
hrough.”
Janet’s eyes glazed over for a moment and she looked a little distant, as though she were remembering something from long ago. “It’s funny how life is, isn’t it?”
“Funny?” I asked, taking a cue from the expression on her face. “Or tragic.”
Janet smiled. “I suppose I mean both,” she said. “Can I ask you a question?”
“Sure.”
“It’s a really personal one.”
I felt reluctance almost immediately, but I sensed that she was in need of some conversation and was seeking me out because I was particularly qualified to handle this question.
“Go ahead,” I said at last.
“What went through your head when you heard your wife had died?”
I knew it was going to be a question like that. I was silent for a long time. “I can’t quite describe it,” I said finally. “I know that probably sounds like a cop out, but the truth is…you don’t feel much of anything at first. At least, that’s how I felt when I heard. I lived in a different apartment at the time, and Noah was crawling around on the floor when I got the call.
“I think I just zoned out for a while. My mind couldn’t process anything. I was just…a zombie for a couple of days.”
“How did you manage, with Noah?”
“I have an aunt who lives in the next state,” I admitted. “I left Noah with her for a couple of days and just drove.”
“Drove?” Janet repeated. “Where?”
“Anywhere,” I said. “I spent the night in cheap motels, and when I couldn’t find a motel, I just slept in my car. There were moments when I wasn’t sure I was even going back.”
“How long did you stay away for?”
“Five nights, six days,” I replied. “Which was two nights longer than I said I’d be away for, so my aunt was beside herself with relief when I showed up a few days later.”
“What made you come back?”
I raised my eyebrows at her. “What else?” I said. “Noah—he’s the only reason.”
“When did you start getting over it?” Janet asked.
I sighed. “Sometimes I still don’t know if I’m over it. Sadness catches you on odd days. You just have to keep going, endure, and survive. At first, you do it for the people around you and in time…you start doing it for yourself, too.”