by Claire Adams
“I keep trying to prepare myself for his death,” she said in a deadpan voice that haunted me for a moment. “I keep telling myself that it’ll hurt less if I do.”
“It won’t hurt less,” I said bluntly. “Daphne was in the army; I was in the army. Death was a part of our lives. We came to expect it. But when I was told that she was gone, it still felt like…”
“Like?”
“Like nothing was real anymore,” I said, wondering if I made sense.
“I get that feeling now,” Janet said, in a hushed voice. “I’m with Dad during his chemo, and sometimes I look over at him and see his stooped frame, his bald head, the lines across his face, and… It doesn’t feel real. It’s like I’m in some sort of bad dream.”
“You have a sister, don’t you?”
“An older sister and a younger brother,” Janet replied.
“So, you have a support system,” I said. “That will help you get through it.”
She nodded silently, and we just stood there in my living room, standing opposite one another for a few moments. Then a car backfired somewhere outside, and it seemed to break the spell we were under. Janet transformed back into my babysitter, and her tone went from sad and dreamy to curt and to the point.
“Noah is in bed asleep,” she told me.
“He ate dinner?”
“Yes,” she nodded.
“What did he have?”
“Burger patties and bread.”
I knew the patties she was talking about. They were the processed ones that they stockpiled at the supermarkets for like a dollar fifty. I pursed my lips but decided not to say anything to her. It’s not like she made the attempt to change in any case. “Was he okay today?” I asked. “Did he ask where I was?”
“He always asks where you are,” she said. “I told him you were working.”
“Right,” I nodded as I led Janet to the door.
“What happened with his leaf project?” I asked, remembering at the last moment.
Janet furrowed her brow. “I’m not aware of a leaf project.”
“Oh well… he might have turned that in awhile ago now,” I said, realizing that I wasn’t as involved in my son’s life as I should have been.
Maybe that was the reason he had felt so free to confide in Kristen only hours after meeting her. Maybe she had displayed the interest that I hadn’t the time to show. The thought provoked me to ask a question of my own.
“Janet?” I said. “I have a kind of personal question to ask of you, too.”
“I suppose that’s fair,” she said. “Go ahead.”
“Do you actually like this job?”
I could tell that she hadn’t been expecting the question. She paused for a long time, and I knew I had my answer then.
“It pays my bills,” she said finally.
It wasn’t the answer I had wanted to hear, but I appreciated her honesty. “Goodnight, Janet,” I said, as she waved goodbye and left.
I closed the door, sighing deeply, and walked to my couch. I felt utterly and completely drained, and it had nothing to do with work. The weight of all the emotionally-charged conversations I’d been having lately had started to wear on me.
After a few minutes, I got up and walked to Noah’s room to check in on him. He was sleeping soundly in his bed with the night-light on. I could see the faint glow of light fall onto the picture of Daphne that I’d placed by his bed. I wondered how she would feel if she knew I’d been on what was effectively a date tonight. I paused for a moment, realizing that my night with Kristen had very much been a date. At least, that was how it had felt to me. Maybe that’s why I had felt so…strange afterward.
“Would you have wanted me to move on, Daphne?” I asked quietly, to her frozen image. “Would you have been happy for me?”
I wasn’t quite sure. Given our line of work, we had actually discussed certain things about our individual futures during our early marriage.
“If I died, would you remarry?” Daphne had asked one day while we had been lying in bed.
“That’s a morbid question.”
“Answer it, please.”
“No,” I had replied. “I would just pine for you for the rest of my life.”
She had laughed and kissed my nose. “Good boy.”
It was nothing more than a light-hearted conversation between young lovers confident in their future and their mortality. Looking back now, I saw the cruel irony there.
Still, I wondered how Daphne would feel if I moved on with my life and remarried. I wasn’t even sure how I felt about it. I looked at my sleeping son and felt an ache in my chest. What I would give to see him have a mother...
I thought about Janet and how detached she was from Noah. He was a job to her and nothing more, which was why he had no real attachment to her. With Kristen, it had been different. Noah had taken to her immediately, and that made me wonder. Was I depriving him in some way? Was I underplaying the importance of a mother in his life?
I was confused, I was scared, but most of all, I was searching. I was searching for something that would give me the help I needed to do this job right because I couldn’t screw up with Noah. I had to be better than the average father because I was all he would have. Unless…
I stopped the vain hope in its tracks. There was no unless. I had to stop thinking about a future wife and a future mother for Noah.
This was what life looked like now, and I had to work with what I had. I just hoped Noah wouldn’t suffer for it.
Chapter Fourteen
Kristen
“This is the second time in three days that you’ve called me up and scheduled a gym date,” Melody said, giving me a suspicious glance.
We were both doing some light cardio on the treadmills. We had TV screens right in front of us, but neither one of us were concentrating. The whole point of going with a partner was so that you didn’t have to watch the mindless programs they usually played at the gym.
I smiled. “Can’t a girl work out every now and again without it meaning something?”
Melody smirked at me. “No,” she said with finality.
I laughed. “I’m just feeling… I don’t know, motivated lately, I suppose,” I said. “It feels like my adrenaline is pumping, and I want to get shit done.”
“It also means you want a nice tight ass,” she pointed out.
I rolled my eyes. “I want to be healthy.”
“Please,” she said, pursing her lips at me. “Let’s be honest here. Health is always a secondary concern. First and foremost, people want to look good. They just talk about health because they don’t want to seem like superficial jerks.”
I laughed. “That’s how you feel,” I said. “You’re just projecting that onto everyone else.”
“I am not,” she said defensively. “I’m just educating you about how the world works.”
“Ah, I see,” I nodded, in a mock-serious fashion. “I’ve learned so much from you already; I almost feel like I should be paying you tuition.”
Melody smiled. “Please do; I could use the money. There’s this dress I saw in the window of a Bloomingdales the other day, and it looked stunning. I’m thinking of saving up and buying it for my date with Cameron.”
“Who’s Cameron?” I asked.
“This cute barista who works in this coffee shop where I grab my morning bagel before work,” she said, sounding excited. “We’ve been making eyes at each other for weeks now, and he finally plucked up the courage to ask me out.”
“How much do you like this coffee shop?”
“Why?” Her tone suggested she knew where I was going with the question.
“Well… You might have to choose a different one if things go south with you and…”
“Cameron.”
“Right,” I nodded. “With you and Cameron.”
“I don’t think they will,” she said confidently. “He just might be the one.”
I sighed. “You say that about every new guy you meet,
” I reminded her.
“This time, it feels different.”
“You’re a sucker for pain, aren’t you?” I shook my head at her.
“Look who’s talking?” She shot me an accusing glance.
“What is that supposed to mean?”
Melody adjusted her speed on the treadmill and slowed down to a walk. I followed her lead as I wiped the sweat from my brow.
“You know exactly what I mean.”
I rolled my eyes. “Please don’t tell me you’re referring to the dinner I had with Jake a few days ago.”
“Oh, so it’s Jake now, is it?” she said, in a teasingly suggestive voice.
“I just slipped into calling him Jake during dinner,” I said. “I may have started it with the email, actually… Can’t quite remember.”
“Who cares,” Melody said impatiently. “The point is that you effectively went on a date with your boss. So you can’t exactly lecture me about dating my barista because coffee shops are still a whole lot easier to find than jobs these days.”
“True as that may be,” I said. “You are wrong about one thing—it wasn’t a date.”
“If it looks like a cat and smells like a cat…”
I guffawed with laughter. “Is that even the expression?”
“Who gives a fuck,” she said. “You get my point.”
Still laughing, I shook my head at her. “Honestly, it wasn’t a date.”
“He took you to a restaurant for dinner,” she said. “A fancy one that’s really trending right now. The choice of restaurant says a lot about the night.”
“I think he just likes the food there.”
“He dropped you off at home,” she pointed out.
“Because it was late, and he was being polite.”
“He could have called you a cab if that was the intent,” Melody said, raising her eyebrows at me.
“He was trying to make amends, Mel,” I said. “He felt horrible for being such a dick to me after everything, and he was trying to show me he was sincere about his apology. That’s all it was.”
Melody rolled her eyes with clear disdain for my explanation. “Please… I always felt the guy was hot for you.”
“Based on what exactly?”
“Based on instinct.”
“You’ve never met him,” I pointed out.
“I’ve spied him from a distance.”
“When?” I demanded.
“When I came here to meet you before we went out for dinner. I saw him walk past and I felt a little moisture between my legs.”
“Melody!” I exclaimed, cringing at her graphic revelation.
“What?” she asked, completely unconcerned. “It’s true; he was so hot that it got me all…hot and bothered.”
“Geez.”
“What, are you saying you never felt a little something-something when you’re around Jake?”
“No,” I said a little too quickly.
“You need to learn to lie a little better,” she said, glancing shrewdly at me. “Just admit that you find him attractive.”
I sighed. “Okay, fine, I do find him attractive.”
Melody smiled with satisfaction. “But why do I have the feeling that you’re going to qualify that—”
“But—”
“I knew it,” Melody nodded.
“It’s complicated, okay?” I stopped the treadmill and jumped off of it.
A few seconds later, Melody did the same, and we walked over to the elliptical machines. We got onto two vacant ones side by side and picked up our conversation right where we had left off.
“Yeah, yeah… I know you think it’s complicated because he’s your boss and—”
“Actually, no,” I interrupted. “That’s not the main reason.”
“It’s not?” She sounded surprised.
“No,” I said, shaking my head. “I mean, the fact that he’s my boss is definitely a factor, but at the moment, it’s actually a less important factor for me.”
“Okay, what is the more important factor then?” Melody asked with interest.
“His past,” I sighed.
“His past?” she repeated. “Oh, that’s vague…”
I smiled. “He’s a widower,” I explained. “And, I still don’t think he’s gotten over his wife yet.”
“Did he mention her while you were out at dinner?”
“Not once,” I said. “At least, not directly. He spoke about his son and was open about the fact that he was a single father…but he didn’t make any mention of his wife.”
“Well, it was only your first date.”
“It wasn’t a date,” I insisted.
“Sure, sure,” she said dismissively. “What did he talk to you about?”
“We started talking about work for a little bit,” I said. “But that was only for a few minutes before we shifted towards what had happened between us the night he kicked me out.”
“Did you buy his explanation?”
“I did, actually,” I admitted. “He was conflicted, and I could see all the different emotions he was battling that night. It wasn’t just the alcohol. The liquor was probably just encouraging him, but his pain was what had created the anger in the first place.”
“Sounds like he has a lot of baggage.”
“Exactly,” I nodded. “Which is why getting involved with him would be a big mistake. I don’t think he’s ready for a relationship yet. And also… There’s Noah to consider.”
“Noah is…”
“His son,” I replied.
“How old is the kid?”
“Four,” I replied. “Oh, Mel, you should see him. He’s the cutest kid. I mean, it felt like we just bonded instantly.”
“It doesn’t seem like you’re too bothered about dating a man with a child.”
“I honestly wouldn’t care,” I said. “My only reservation would be attachments and that kind of thing.”
“You’ve really thought about this, haven’t you?” She gave me a sly smile. “Which means that you have seriously thought about what it would be like to date Jake.”
I opened my mouth to deny it, but then realized there was no point. “Okay, fine. I’ll admit that I’ve thought about it.”
Melody nodded approvingly at my honesty. “You can’t fool me, girl,” she said. “I’d advise you not to try in the future.”
“Duly noted,” I said.
“Does that mean if he was interested in you, you would…return the favor, so to speak?”
“He isn’t interested in me,” I said firmly.
“What makes you think so?”
“Oh, come on,” I said. “He’s so busy with work and with fatherhood, and like I mentioned before, he still seems pretty broken up about his wife. It’s not like I’d ever be able to compete with a dead woman.”
“Why not?” Melody asked. “She’s dead—it’d be easy.”
“She’s Noah’s mother,” I pointed out.
“Right,” Melody said, biting her lip, “Makes things a little more complicated.”
“See?” I said, stressing the word. “That is precisely the point.”
“Hmm… That doesn’t mean you can’t still fuck him from time to time.”
“Melody!” I exclaimed.
She laughed. “You are such a prude sometimes,” she said. “Stop acting like such a Virgin Mary.”
We spent the next half hour finishing up at the gym and then walked towards the showers together. I was standing in the shower thinking about Jake when I felt guilt rise within me.
I had just spent almost an hour talking about my feelings for Jake Middleton. He was off limits—he would always be off limits to me—and yet, I had fantasized about him many times, especially since our dinner together. I had no right to those dreams, and I knew it.
“This is wrong, Kristen,” I told myself, but my mind was just not willing to be tamed.
It was just an innocent dinner, and now that it was behind us, we were just boss and secretary once more.
And yet, I still kept hoping for more. It was wrong, but I couldn’t help myself.
There had been only one working day between our dinner and now, and Jake had been very, very busy. Still, his mood was a lot better, he had made it a point to look and smile at me, and he was considerably nicer. Which incidentally made it harder for me to contain my fantasies about him.
I had just changed into fresh clothes after my shower when I glanced at my phone to check my work email. I froze when I noticed a message from Jake on my screen. With baited breath, I read his message.
“Hi, Kristen,” he had written. “I was just wondering if you’d like to have dinner again this weekend, I could pick you up? Let me know. Jake.”
I read the message again, just to make sure my imagination wasn’t getting the better of me. When I was convinced that Jake had, in fact, texted me to ask me out again, I felt my spirits soar. This was what I had been secretly hoping for, ever since he had dropped me off the other night.
“I’d love to,” I replied.
There was an annoying little voice at the back of my head that chided me for my enthusiasm and my acceptance, but I thought of Jake and had to ignore it.
Chapter Fifteen
Jake
“Daddy,” Noah asked, staring up at me as I applied some aftershave in the bathroom. “Where are you going?”
I paused for a moment, wondering what I should tell him. I decided the safest bet would be to blame it on work. It was the reason he was most accustomed to hearing, and I wasn’t even sure if Noah would be aware of the practice of dating. I knew I certainly didn’t want to have to explain it to him.
“I have a work dinner, buddy,” I replied, ruffling his hair with my hand.
“You look different than when you’re going to work,” he said observantly.
He was definitely right about that. Usually, I wore suits, blazers, or collared, long sleeved dress shirts with dark pants. Today, I was wearing dark jeans with a laid back, dressed down shirt that made me feel more like myself. Or more specifically, it made me feel like the man I had been in the early days of my military career, around the time I had met and fallen in love with Daphne.