by Claire Adams
Jake looked down at Noah and gave him a little wink. “Why don’t you get back to your books, kiddo?”
Noah went over to his little play area and started coloring again. Jake took a step towards me. “Janet’s father took a turn for the worse, and she wants to spend this time with him and her family. She just up and quit without any notice, which basically leaves me high and dry. I didn’t have anyone to pick Noah up from school today, so I was forced to bring him to work instead.”
“Oh,” I said, glancing over at Noah.
“This ame at the worst possible time,” Jake complained, and I could see the stress in his eyes. “I have meetings for the rest of the evening and no way of getting out of them.”
I raised my eyebrows. “What are you planning on doing?”
“I honestly have no idea,” I said. “Every daycare within a ten-mile radius is full, and they require enrolments obviously, which I don’t have. I may have no choice but to take him into the meetings with me.”
“You’re going to take a four-year-old in for meetings that may possibly last hours?”
“What choice do I have?”
I should have just kept my mouth shut. I had no reason to make the offer, but I told myself that I was simply being a Good Samaritan. I was doing it for Noah because I didn’t want the kid to be stuck in meetings all night.
“I’ll take him,” I blurted out before I could really think it over by myself.
“What?” Jake asked, raising his eyebrows.
I suppressed a sigh. “I can babysit him this evening,” I said. “I don’t have plans tonight.”
“I… Would you really?” Jake asked, looking slightly surprised.
“I like Noah,” I said. “And, I have a hard time staying awake during those meetings when I sit in one them with you. I can’t imagine what Noah will have to go through.”
One corner of Jake’s mouth tilted upwards, but it still wasn’t quite a smile. “Thank you,” he said. “This is really nice of you.”
I shrugged and turned towards Noah. “I’m doing it for him,” I said, unable to keep the note of hurt from my voice.
Jake looked like he had gotten the message. He nodded once and then he looked towards his son. “Hey, buddy, looks like you’re going to be spending the evening with Kristen.”
“Yea,” Noah screamed, in his high pitched little voice. “Will you read to me again, Krissie?” he asked.
“Of course, buddy,” I nodded.
“And, will you cook for me again?”
“I sure will.”
“Can we leave now?” Noah asked.
I smiled and looked towards Jake.
“Go ahead,” he nodded. “Let me give you some cash first.”
“Don’t be silly; that’s not necessary.”
“Here,” Jake said, ignoring me as he held out some money. “Just in case you need to buy anything for Noah…food or books or…anything.”
I refused to take the money. “Like I said, that not’s necessary,” I said coldly. Then I walked over to Noah. “Come on, buddy, let me help you clear up.”
The whole time I was helping Noah, I could feel Jake’s eyes on me. I was doing this for Noah, but a part of me had to admit that, despite everything, I was doing it for Jake, too.
Chapter Seventeen
Jake
It had been an exhausting day, and I was grateful that Kristen had offered to look after Noah. I couldn’t imagine sitting through all those meetings with a four-year-old in tow. I arrived at my apartment building and pulled into my usual spot. I had just unbuckled my seatbelt when a call came in. I looked down and saw that it was my aunt. It had been awhile since I’d last spoken to her, and I didn’t want to miss her call.
“Hey, Aunt Margo,” I said.
“Jacob,” she said, using my full name as she always did. “You’ve forgotten me.”
I smiled. “I’m sorry, Aunt Margo,” I said apologetically. “I should have called you.”
“I haven’t seen you and your boy in over a year.”
“That can’t be,” I said, frowning to remember when we’d last visited her.
“One year and three months exactly,” she continued. “Noah wasn’t even three at the time.”
“Wow,” I said, amazed by how much time had passed. “Has it really been that long?”
“When are you coming to visit me?”
I sighed. “I don’t know, Aunt Margo… I can’t make any promises.”
“That boy needs family, Jacob,” she said. “And unfortunately, I’m the only family left.”
“How about we Skype?”
“It’s not the same thing.”
“I know,” I said, feeling drained.
“Jacob?” Aunt Margo’s tone was low and concerned. “Are you alright, my boy?”
I used to spend my weekends at Aunt Margo’s house. My parents and I lived on the next lane, and I used to ride my bicycle over to her place and spend Saturday night there before heading back to my own house on Sunday night. I remembered how different things had been back then. Aunt Margo had been a beautiful blonde with long, curly hair and a laughing smile; Uncle Ashton had been quick-witted and friendly, and Henry… Henry… It was hard to think about Henry.
“Jacob?”
“Sorry, Aunt Margo,” I said. “I was just… remembering…”
“Remembering has become such a curse to me now,” she said. “I remember things and then… I can’t stop crying for the rest of the day.”
“You stay in that house too much,” I said. “You need to get out more, meet new people…live your life.”
She sighed. “I hate meeting new people,” she said. “They want to know things about me.”
I smiled. “That’s usually how it goes.”
“Yes, and then I’m forced to tell them about my life,” she continued. “No, I’m not married. I was once, but I’m not anymore. Yes, I had a son, but I don’t anymore.”
“Hey,” I said. “You still have a son; he’s just…”
“Dead?”
I cringed, but she continued without missing a beat. “It’s been ten years since he died, Jacob… Can you believe it? Ten years.”
I closed my eyes for a moment. “Ten years,” I repeated. “Feels that long to me.”
“Me, too,” she replied.
“Maybe you can come and visit Noah and I sometime?”
“Maybe,” she said. “How is my little man?”
I smiled. “He’s doing well. I’m doing my best…”
“You were always so hard on yourself.”
I smiled; she had always known how to read me. “He misses having a mother in his life,” I said. “He told me he wanted a mommy last month.”
“There’s still time.”
I rolled my eyes. “I’m not ready for that.”
“For what?” she asked. “To move on with your life? Isn’t that the very same advice you just gave me?”
“It’s different.”
“No, it’s not. It’s just easier to give advice than to take it.”
I smiled. “You have a point.”
“This man asked me out yesterday,” Aunt Margo said abruptly.
“Really?” I said, more pleased than I could say.
“He runs this breakfast shop where I go on weekends,” she said, sounding slightly nervous. “We talk every now and again, and I suppose we’re friends. He’s divorced, too, and he’s got two kids with his ex-wife. They’re both married with kids of their own.”
“Well, are you going out with him?”
“I told him I’d think about it.”
“Is that why you’re calling me?” I asked. “For approval?”
“No… Yes… I don’t know,” she sighed.
I smiled. “Aunt Margo,” I said gently. “Say yes, go out with this man. You can’t spend your whole life stuck in the past. You’ve got to move on.”
“Do you think… Do you think he would mind?” she asked, in a shy voice.
“Henry?” I asked.
“Yes.”
“Henry loved you,” I said. “He would have wanted you to be happy. You’re more than just an aunt to me; you’re like my second mother, and I want you to be happy, too.”
“You’re a sweet boy.”
I sighed. “I haven’t been lately,” I said, feeling that same sense of self-disappointment again.
“Then do something about it,” Aunt Margo said immediately.
I smiled. “I’ll try,” I said. “I promise I will if you agree to go out on a date with this guy.”
I could sense that she was smiling. “Okay,” she said, at last. “But I’m only doing this for you.”
I laughed. “I can live with that.”
“Love you, Jacob.”
“Love you, Aunt Margo.”
Once we’d hung up, I walked into the quiet apartment. I could hear a faint voice coming from Noah’s room, so I walked over quietly, with the conversation I’d just had with Aunt Margo playing over in my head. I was so thrilled for her, but I felt sad, too. That was possibly the saddest thing about everything that had happened—the lost possibility of what might have been.
Noah’s door was slightly ajar, so I peeked inside. Kristen was sitting on the bed with Noah, and he was tucked under her arm. His head was resting lightly against her shoulder while she read to him softly. Her voice was rhythmic, almost as though she were singing him a lullaby. I could see that he was almost asleep, but was desperately fighting to stay awake till the story was over.
I didn’t listen to the actual words of the story, but I loved the sound of Kristen’s voice. It was so soothing that it hit me right in the heart. It didn’t help that I was already emotional after talking to Aunt Margo. My head spun as I thought about Henry and Daphne and all the people I had lost over the last few years. It was more loss than one person should have to bear.
I thought about my childhood and all the people that had disappeared from my life since then. Aunt Margo and Uncle Ashton had divorced only two years after Henry’s death. I hadn’t seen him since then. My father and mother were gone, too. All my friends had chosen college when I had chosen the military, and that had created enough distance that we had just faded slowly out of each other’s lives.
Now what did I have left? I thought. An aunt who lived alone with three dogs and a bunch of birds she kept in the backyard, and a four-year-old who relied on me for everything? That was the length and breadth of my world, and even I knew it wasn’t enough. It wasn’t enough for me, and it certainly wouldn’t be enough for Noah.
And yet, I didn’t know what to do about that.
I thought about Aunt Margo and the new relationship she was about to embark on. I was thrilled for her, but it also made me realize how damaged I was. I had freaked out on Kristen after our date, and I was fairly certain she was going to leave because of it. I glanced over at Kristen and Noah, and I realized that they looked like mother and son. The way their bodies were entangled together was familiar and comfortable, and I could sense the bond already there between them.
Maybe that was what sent me over the edge. Unable to contain my emotion any longer, I retreated to my room and closed the door. I started pacing slowly as tears pierced my cheeks. I hadn’t cried since Daphne’s death three years ago, and I realized why. Breaking down was never a good idea anymore because there was no one around to put the pieces back together anymore. I had to stay strong for Noah, so I could never afford the luxury of just being sad.
That realization sent me spiraling into anger and more memories of my life with Daphne. I felt the anger build inside me, and unable to contain myself, I punched the lampshade beside my bed, sending it hurtling to the ground with a crash.
“Fuck,” I said, annoyed with my own outburst. “Fuck.”
I leaned against the wall and sunk slowly to the ground with my head in my hands. The tears weren’t stopping, and I felt like I was drowning.
“Jake?”
Her voice sent fear snaking through me. I froze in place and stayed silent. I could sense her just outside my bedroom door.
“Jake?” she called again.
A second later, the door opened cautiously, and Kristen peered through. She saw me instantly, and I saw her eyes grow wide as she saw the state I was in. I expected her to apologize and then back out of the room to leave me to my breakdown, but to my surprise, she walked right in and closed the door behind her. Then she walked over and sunk to her knees in front of me.
“I don’t know what’s going on with you,” she said. “But it’s okay…everything’s going to be alright.”
“How do you know that?” I asked, trying to wipe the tears from my face.
“Because no matter how hopeless things may seem at the moment, they can’t stay that way forever,” she said. “Trust me.”
I felt new sobs coming on, and I buried my face in my arms. A second later, I felt Kristen’s arms surround me. She was hugging me, and more importantly, it felt amazing. I felt myself lean into her until she was supporting my weight completely.
She was whispering things to me, but I wasn’t paying any attention to what she was saying. I just wanted to hear the sound of her voice.
“This is about your wife, isn’t it?” she guessed.
“Yes,” I said.
“It’s okay,” she whispered to me. “It’s okay to be sad about her. It’s okay to mourn her.”
I looked up, and Kristen’s hazel eyes were bright and beautiful. Her face was only inches from mine. “You look like her,” I said. “And when I see you with Noah… It makes me feel...”
I dissolved into tears as Kristen pulled me into her body. “I’m sorry,” she said. “I’m so sorry. Just cry…let it all out.”
And amazingly, I did. Minutes later, once all my tears had been spent I was able to look up at Kristen and feel oddly at peace, as though I had been released from my sorrow.
“I think that was why I freaked out anytime you got…too close,” I said, glancing over at her. “You just remind me of Daphne. You remind me of everything I could have had. I’m sorry for how I’ve treated you. I know how unfair that is.”
“You don’t have to apologize,” Kristen said quickly.
“No, I do,” I insisted. “I have to apologize twice over for treating you the way I have. You deserve better.”
Kristen’s eyes were filled with bright little dots of light. She looked conflicted for a moment, and I wondered if she was going to get up and leave. But then to my utter surprise, she leaned in and kissed me softly on the lips.
Chapter Eighteen
Kristen
There were still a few tears glistening on his eyelashes. He really was a beautiful man, and there was something intensely attractive about how vulnerable he was allowing himself to be in front of me. All I wanted to do was make him feel better. All I wanted to do was soothe him, body and soul.
Even his apology cut through me. I could tell he was sincere, and I could tell it was the broken man inside of him that had caused him to lash out and turn away from me. Hurt as I had been, I could understand where that had come from now, and I forgave him readily.
I stared at his perfect blue eyes, hollowed in with emotion. He was trying to sort out all the complicated feelings he had been avoiding all this time, and I could imagine how hard that was. A part of me knew that getting deeper into this with Jake was just leading up to heartbreak in the future, but how could I turn away from him now? Maybe this was the reason I had moved here to San Diego. Maybe I had come here to save Jake? And in saving Jake, maybe I could save myself, too.
I leaned in and kissed him softly on the lips. He froze for a moment, and then I felt him relax, and his lips responded to mine. It was a tender moment; there was nothing very sexual about it. It was deeper than that. It was about connecting; it was about letting him know I was there for him.
When I pulled away, Jake’s eyes were firmly fixed on mine. I realized his hand was on my waist and even after the kiss
ended—he didn’t pull it away.
“Should I have done that?” I asked softly.
“I don’t know,” he replied. “But… I’m glad you did.”
I smiled, moving to sit beside him so that we were shoulder to shoulder with our heads leaning against the wall.
“You know, it might help to talk about her,” I said gently. “Holding your grief inside all the time can’t be healthy.”
Jake looked towards me. “She was…brilliant and honest and beautiful. She was a lot like you.”
I smiled, pushing away the guilt I was feeling. “How did you meet?”
“We met in the military,” he told me. “We were in the same platoon at one point, and that’s when we fell in love. It wasn’t a typical love story by any means. We clashed at first, and I suppose that led to a lot of tension between us. At first, I thought that it was just a sexual relationship, but as the months drew on, I realized I had fallen for her.”
“And, she felt the same way?”
“She did, yes,” Jake nodded. “We got married a year after we’d met.”
“It was sudden?”
Jake nodded, and I could tell by the expression on his face that he was reliving certain moments as he narrated them.
“We eloped,” he recalled. “My parents had both passed on, and Daphne didn’t have the best relationship with her parents. So, we decided it should just be the two of us.
“We never planned for Noah. We wanted to wait till our thirties to have children, once we had both retired from the military and we could be around to raise our kids. So when Daphne found out she was pregnant… It was a shock.
“So we made a plan. Daphne would go back home and have the baby, and I would continue on in the military for a few more years. Her pregnancy was probably the best, most wonderful time in our marriage. She was so happy, and I was, too. Once we’d gotten over the shock of having a baby so early, we both embraced our new future, and we started looking forward to parenthood.”
I saw Jake’s expression sadden considerably, and I knew something had changed in that time. I reached out to take his hand, and he gripped mine tightly as he continued.
“I took special leave to be here with her when she had Noah. I came a week before and was scheduled to leave a month after. I noticed that Daphne was a little different. She was quieter and more somber than usual, but I just chalked it up to nerves. Then Noah was born and… I realized that something was wrong.”