by Claire Adams
“You’re right,” I said. “I do look a little different, huh?”
“I like it, though,” Noah said, giving me a big smile.
“Yeah?”
“You look…happy.”
I turned to him and shook my head. “Sometimes I can’t believe it.”
“Believe what?”
“How smart you are.”
Noah beamed and then he followed me out of the bathroom like a little lamb. A part of me felt guilty for even setting up this date. Not only was it my first date since Daphne, but it was also cutting into my one-on-one time with Noah. I had no idea what had possessed me to write to Kristen in the first place. I had just been thinking about my life and about the dinner we had had, and I just acted on a whim.
Once the message had been sent, I started panicking a little, but the moment I got her response, I felt relief flood through me. She had said yes, and seeing that yes made me realize how much I liked Kristen and how attracted to her I was. Janet was in the living room flipping through a magazine when Noah and I walked in. She looked up and gave me a small smile.
“You look nice.”
“Thank you,” I said awkwardly, but I really appreciated the compliment. “You’ll call me if there’s anything?”
“Of course,” she nodded.
I kissed Noah and bumped fists with him before I headed out. I drove over to Kristen’s apartment, feeling a little light headed. It had been years since I’d been on a date, and I wasn’t even sure how to act anymore. Was a hug okay? Was I supposed to wait in the car or go to her doorstep? Was I meant to kiss her goodnight when I dropped her off or just go for a peck on the cheek? A part of me felt like turning tail right then and there and canceling the date.
The need to see Kristen again outside of work was what fueled me on. Only seconds after I had pulled up outside her apartment building, I saw her step outside in a red dress that had my attention immediately. The dress was a simple and bold red, with short sleeves and a classic shape that complimented her hourglass figure. She kept her auburn hair loose, and I could tell that her makeup was natural and minimalistic.
I got out of the car when she approached and gave her a smile. “Hi,” I said. “You look…nice.”
I had wanted to say pretty or beautiful, but somehow that felt too…much. Once I had landed awkwardly on nice, I felt my nerves rise just a little bit more. I didn’t even get a chance to open the door for her because she smiled, thanked me for the compliment, and opened the door herself.
I got inside and headed towards the restaurant I had chosen for the night. It was a quiet little gastro pub in the heart of the city that served beautiful food with unique twists. I had chosen it more for the quiet and romantic atmosphere than the menu, however. We settled into silence as I drove, mostly because I couldn’t think of anything to say.
“You look nice, too,” Kristen said, breaking the silence.
I couldn’t help but smile. “Thanks,” I said. “You know, I’m glad you agreed to go out with me tonight.”
“Oh?”
“I thought you might be a little skittish about going on a date with your boss.”
“So this is a date, then?” she asked bluntly.
I smiled. “Yes.”
“Oh good,” she said, giving a sigh of relief. “I wasn’t completely sure. I was worried the red dress might be a little much if it turned out to be a business thing.”
I tried to suppress my smile of amusement. I liked how forthright and honest she was. It made me feel more at east around her, almost as though I could be myself around her because she wouldn’t be too hard on me.
“I’m glad you decided on the red dress,” I said. “I’ve always loved the color.”
“Not me,” Kristen said.
“You don’t like the color red?” I asked, raising an eyebrow.
She laughed. “You’re wondering why I’m wearing red, then?”
“It did cross my mind.”
“When I was in high school, I wore glasses and braces. I had a face full of freckles, and my hair was redder than auburn. Basically, I wasn’t winning any beauty pageants. There was this group of girls who made fun of me. One day I showed up in this red dress, and they basically heckled me so badly I lost all my love for the color.
“But then this teacher of mine sat me down during the lunch break and told me to take my power back. She told me that if I let them change me—then they win. And, I become the victim, and that would follow me around for the rest of my life. She made one heck of a speech, and by the end of it, she had completely converted me. After that, I showed up every day in red. I never really liked the color the same way again, but I wear it still out of defiance more than anything else.”
I listened to her speak, and her character began to take shape before me. And as I discovered little aspects of her I started to feel more and more drawn to her.
“That’s some story.”
“Is it?” Kristen said, shrugging. “It’s the first time I’ve told it to anyone.”
“And, you chose to share it with me for the first time?” I said, feeling oddly flattered.
She blushed slightly. “I feel as though I can trust you,” she said, in a shy voice.
“I’m glad you feel that way.”
The conversation was not usual, which was probably why I found myself getting more confused and aroused as we talked. Her openness was attractive and made her more beautiful in my eyes. I walked into the restaurant in a haze, trying to figure out everything I was feeling so that I wouldn’t trip over my own emotion. We ordered quickly, and once we were alone again, I turned to Kristen, desperate to know more about her.
“How’s Noah?” she asked before I could say anything.
I smiled. “He’s doing great,” I said. “He showed me his completed leaf project today,” I revealed.
“Yeah?” She sounded excited. “And? Best leaf project ever?”
“Of course,” I nodded. “My little man knows how to put together one mean leaf project.”
“He did it all by himself, too; you must be so proud.”
“Proud…ashamed…guilty…all of the above.”
Kristen’s eyes grew gentle. “Hey,” she said. “You have nothing to feel ashamed or guilty about.”
“He was the only kid who had to do his project alone,” I said. “Every other kid had help from a parent. He told me so.”
“He’s learning to be independent.”
I smiled. “Nice try, but he’s only four.”
“You’re too hard on yourself,” she told me.
As she spoke, she reached out and touched my hand. The feel of her touch sent a lightning bolt zooming through my body. It didn’t just trigger feelings; it triggered memories, too, and I found myself grappling with the torrent raging in my head.
“I was with Noah for one evening, and all he could talk about was you,” Kristen continued, oblivious to the conflict in my head. “That says a lot about how you’re doing as a father. He obviously loves you, Jake. Trust me: when a kid has no love for their parents…it shows.”
“I may not be enough for him.” I said the words before I gave myself permission to.
“Never let him know that,” she said. “You have to be strong for him.”
I blinked once. I blinked a second time. Kristen’s face blurred before me as a memory started taking shape. I could still feel her hand on top of mine. It was comforting, but it was not the touch I had grown used to. It was not familiar.
“You have to be strong now Jake,” Major Jones was saying to me. “You have to be strong for him.”
“What happened?” I demanded. “I just want to know what happened to my wife.”
“Sit down, Jake.”
“I don’t want to sit down.”
Major Jones looked at me sympathetically, and I wanted to die right then and there. How could I go through life having people look at me in that way? It was almost unbearable.
“How did it happen?” I p
ersisted.
“It was an IED,” he replied.
“An IED,” I repeated, feeling weak.
That was what we called it in the field. To a layman, it was a bomb. She had been blown to pieces. Had she felt her flesh rip apart? Or had she been surrounded by the bliss of ignorance before the bomb that ripped her from life?
“It exploded on the road under her vehicle,” Major Jones continued. “She was badly wounded… She lost a leg, but she was still alive when they got her to the medic’s tent.”
“But?”
“They were just about to operate when…she died,” he said softly. “She was bleeding too heavily, and there was so much shrapnel.”
“The doctor told me that part.”
“Jake, why don’t you sit down?”
“Thank you for being honest with me, Major,” I replied, in a cold voice before walking away.
I felt heat on my hand and realized suddenly that I was in a restaurant with a different woman, a woman who wasn’t Daphne. And suddenly, it felt wrong. I shouldn’t be here, I thought to myself. I could hear a voice faintly in the background of my mind, but I didn’t care to listen. All I wanted to do was get out. So I did.
I got up and walked out of the restaurant, trying to grapple for air, but finding myself coming up short. I got into my car and started driving. It was only after I had parked in front of my building that I remembered who I had left behind without a word or an explanation.
“Kristen,” I whispered her name under my breath.
Had I really just walked out on her in the middle of our date? I felt myself cringe, but I couldn’t bear to pick up the phone to call her, let alone turn the car around and drive back. She was going to hate me. A small voice at the back of my head wondered if maybe that was a good thing.
Chapter Sixteen
Kristen
“I’m handing in my two weeks’ notice,” I said as I sipped my lemonade.
“What?” Melody asked, gawking at me over her plate of linguini.
“It’s been two weeks now, and things still haven’t thawed out between us. I mean, he talks to me, and he’s polite; it’s not like it was the first time he freaked out, but still… He didn’t even acknowledge what happened that night. Nor does he talk to me with any sense of familiarly. It’s like we’ve gone back to being strangers. Except that we’re not strangers—not anymore.”
“You sound hurt.”
“I am hurt,” I admitted. “We had a connection at dinner, Mel; if I'm honest, we had a connection long before that. He was the one who asked me out in the first place. He initiated dinner, and he picked me up, and things were going great until we sat down at the restaurant. Then we started talking, and things seemed to be going well and then… He just blanked.”
“Blanked?” Melody repeated.
“It was like he wasn’t even there for a second,” I said. “Like he had gone someplace else and wasn’t even aware that I was sitting in front of him, talking to him. When he zoned in again, he just looked at me, got up and left.”
“Have you ever considered the possibility that the guy has PTSD or something?”
“Post-traumatic stress disorder?” I said. I frowned thoughtfully. “I suppose it’s possible.”
“What were you talking about when he zoned out?”
“Uh…we were talking about…Noah,” I said, recalling the evening. “He was opening up to me about life as a single father and how he was scared that he wasn’t enough for his son. So I was just trying to reassure him, you know… I was trying to make him feel better.”
“Do you know how his wife died?”
I did know a little bit about how Daphne died, but I didn’t want to get into it. “She was killed in Afghanistan on her tour of duty. I think it may have been a bomb.”
“Oh my God.”
“Yeah.”
“How did you find out about that?” Melody asked. “Did he tell you?”
“He never talks about Daphne,” I said. “He’s never once mentioned her. I just found out.”
“But how?” she persisted.
I didn’t want to have to tell her the truth and see the shock and surprise on her face. It was too long a story to get into now in any case. My lunch break was only an hour long.
“Office gossip,” I said, protecting my secrets.
“Well, no wonder the guy’s messed up,” she said. “His wife was killed, and he was left with his young son who he knew he’d have to raise alone. That kind of thing has a way of messing with your head.”
“I knew he wasn’t ready to get involved with anyone,” I sighed. “I should never have agreed to go out with him. Now I’m forced to leave anyway, and things are just going to be awkward.”
“When are you planning on handing in your notice?”
“I’m going to tell Jake about it today when I get back into the office,” I said. “He wasn’t in all morning because he had meetings across town. Once he’s notified, I can hand in my official letter whenever he needs it.”
“You’re sure you want to do this?”
“It’s weird for me to be around him now,” I sighed. “The sad truth is… I like him. I mean, I think I really like him, and I don’t think I can continue to work for him now. This is the second time he’s freaked out on me, and I can’t help thinking that…it’s me.”
“It’s not you,” Melody said confidently.
“We don’t know that for sure,” I said.
“You’re beautiful and smart and hot,” she said. “Trust me; it’s him. He’s just got a lot of shit to deal with and ends up taking it out on you.”
I sighed and glanced down at my watch. “I better head out.”
“No dessert?”
“Not today, unfortunately,” I said, craving a sweet fix to soothe my frayed nerves. “I don’t have the time.”
“Right… Well, good luck.”
“Thanks,” I said.
I paid for my meal, gave Melody a quick hug, and walked back to the office. When I got to my desk, I saw that Jake’s door was closed and there was a faint noise coming from inside, so I knew he had finally come in for the day. I sat at my desk and took a moment to compose myself.
This was my own fault, really. Even if Jake had not been my boss, I should never have consented to get involved with him. I wasn’t being honest with him about whom I was, and that by itself was enough of a reason not to get too entrenched in his life. Perhaps this was simply karmic retribution for my choices since moving to San Diego.
Almost as if to drive home the point, I noticed that I’d received two missed calls from my mother. I still hadn’t spoken to her since I’d moved out here. It was the longest we had gone without speaking to one another, but I needed the space. I was starting to feel a little guilty about avoiding her calls, however.
Taking a deep breath, I stood up, knowing that I had stalled for long enough. I went to Jake’s door and knocked twice. It was a while before the door opened and I frowned for a moment before I realized Jake was not the one answering the door.
“Noah,” I exclaimed in surprise.
“Krissie,” he cried as he grabbed me around the waist.
“Hi, sweetheart,” I said, running my hand over his head. The way he clung to me made me feel emotional instantly, and I dropped to my knees to give him a proper hug. “What are you doing here?”
“Playing rookie?” he said, sounding uncertain of the last word.
I frowned. “Playing rookie…or playing hooky?”
He laughed. “Hooky,” he confirmed. “Daddy said.”
“Where is your daddy?” I asked.
“In the potty,” Noah replied.
I suppressed my smile and straightened up. “Well, I need to talk to him.”
“You can play with me until he comes out,” Noah said enthusiastically as he grabbed my hand and pulled me into the office.
I followed him inside and saw that a little circle of toys had been set up next to Jake’s desk. There was a little b
ackpack, as well as coloring books and an assortment of pencils and crayons that littered the carpet.
“That’s quite the little play area you’ve got.”
“I’m coloring now,” he told me. “I finished playing with my toys.”
“That’s good,” I smiled. “Can I see what you’ve colored?”
Noah handed me his coloring book proudly, and I took a careful look at the pictures he had completed. “Wow,” I said, knowing that he was waiting for praise. “This is really lovely.”
“You like it?”
“I love it,” I said. “I especially love your choice of colors… It’s very outside the box.”
Noah frowned. “Outside the box?” he repeated. “But I’ve stayed in the lines.”
I smiled. “No, sweetheart, it’s an expression. It means that you’re very imaginative. You do things differently than other people, and that’s a great thing.”
“Really?”
“Really,” I nodded confidently.
He beamed, and I saw how much he liked talking to me. I realized how lonely it must be for Noah sometimes with a disinterested babysitter to look after him and a father who was constantly working.
“Why didn’t you come and see me, Krissy?” he asked. “I liked playing with you.”
“I liked playing with you, too, honey,” I assured him. “But… I was really busy. You understand, don’t you?” Noah’s face fell slightly.
“Everyone’s always busy,” he said, sounding slightly saddened by the thought.
I was trying to figure out what to say to him when the bathroom door opened and Jake walked out. He stopped short for a moment when he saw me there, but he regained his composure almost immediately.
“Kristen,” he nodded.
“Um… I needed to talk to you,” I said. “I came in here hoping to find you, and I found Noah, instead.”
“She found me,” Noah said, jumping over to his dad.
Jake ruffled Noah’s hair with his hand and looked towards me. “His babysitter canceled on me at the last second. Actually, she did worse than cancel—she quit.”
“She quit?” I asked, in surprise.