My One Regret

by Krissy V

  “Of course I won’t say anything. You know that we’re best friends. I’ll do anything I can to help you. I hate seeing you so upset like this. Come on Cassie, what is it?” I’m getting frustrated because I just want to know what has got Cassie in this state.

  “You know I went to the beach party with Danni. Well I had a great time. It was so much fun. I was there with my music dancing along to Love Shack by the B52’s and The Only Way is Up by Yazz and before I knew it it was time to go. I went to find Danni because she had disappeared earlier with Tony.” She stops talking and looks up at me. “They got together that night you know. When I found her she said that Tony was going to give us a lift home with David, his cousin. I remember seeing a new guy at the beach party but I hadn’t taken too much notice of him. You know what I’m like Bonnie when I start dancing.” She is sobbing again.

  “Yeah I know what you’re like Cassie. You like to have fun. So, what happened then? It sounds like a normal beach party” I say, coaxing her to keep going.

  “Well Tony introduced us to David who offered to carry my boom box for me, which I thought was very nice of him. Then after a few minutes him and Tony started running to get to the kiddie playground and they were laughing and joking. Danni and I ran after them and we all messed around on the climbing frames and slides. Danni and Tony sneaked off for some kissing and cuddling and left me and David sitting on the swings.” She stops and starts sobbing, much harder this time. I wait for her to stop sobbing before speaking.

  “Ok” I say, not really sure where this is going.

  “I was asking David where he was from and all of a sudden he pulled me off the swing and dragged me to the floor.” I don’t think I’ve heard her right but the tears are flowing down her face. I draw her closer to me and rub her head.

  “He pinned me down with his knees, kissed me by forcing his tongue into my mouth. Then he put his hand over my mouth and started to undo my shorts and his trousers. I was so scared Bonnie. I didn’t know what to do and then when he was distracted with his buttons on his jeans I kicked him in the balls and started running.”

  “Oh my god Cassie, you poor thing” I say cradling her in my arms. “You must have been so scared. He’s a bastard for doing that. Did you tell Tony? What did he do about it?” I ask because I know what I want to do to him.

  “I didn’t tell anyone.” Wait, did I hear her right, she didn’t tell anyone? I can see she wants to tell me more so I stay quiet. “He told me that I was a slut and that I had been looking at him all night – which I didn’t Bonnie. I swear! Then he said that I deserved it. I started to believe him and was quiet on the way home. I asked Tony to stop down the road from my house, as I didn’t want David to know where I lived. When I got out of the car, David had to get out of the car first. He whispered in my ear that I wasn’t to tell anyone and that he would be back to claim what he considered was his.”

  She is full on sobbing right now. She can’t breathe so I have to try and calm her down and I encourage her to take deep breaths.

  “Come on Cassie, breathe in and slowly let it out. Breathe in and slowly let it out.” She does and I can eventually hear her breathing getting back to normal with the odd sob in between.

  She takes a deep breath and then continues. "So after he said that he got back in the car. I said goodbye to Danni and then I walked home sobbing really hard. I got into the house, went for a shower and I just sank to the floor in the shower and cried. I was so scared. I got into bed and eventually went to sleep.”

  “When I woke up on Saturday I just remember thinking what a great party it had been and I started smiling. Then I remembered David and everything came crashing down. I didn't get out of bed till the afternoon, then I was sick and went back to bed. Mum and Dad went out on Sunday and left me in bed all day.”

  “I couldn’t go to school today Bonnie, what if everyone knew about it? What if he told them I let him do those things to me? Oh my god!” She sobs a little.

  “I just started walking to school this morning and ended up down here by beach, I’ve spent the day walking on the beach." She's trying not to cry anymore and she pulls away from me.

  "What did I do to deserve that Bonnie? I've never been a slut. I've never put myself out there for guys at all. I’m the bloody Ice Queen for god’s sake!" She's getting angry now and is shouting at me.

  “You are so not a slut. You should have said something to Tony, he would have dealt with David. Did you tell your Mum? Did you say anything to Danni? She never said anything today.”

  Cassie doesn’t answer any of my questions, she just looks down at the ground. This is going to be harder than I thought, I need her to open up to me and she needs to tell someone else.

  "Come on let’s go to the cafe and get a milkshake and we can talk properly." I link her arm, almost dragging her to the beach cafe 'Pebbles'. Mr. Stanley, who runs Pebbles, asks us what we want. After we order we go and sit down.

  "I have to ask this question Cassie. I'm really sorry, but did he ... did he rape you?” I can barely say the word, but I need to know. “Did he manage to get inside you?" I can't look her in the eye. What if he did? Oh my god I hope he didn’t. I can’t imagine how she would cope or how to even begin to process that information.

  "No ... no." She's almost shouting at me. "No, I got away before he managed it" she says looking in my eyes, tears running down her pretty face.

  "Ok that's a start. So, how come Danni and Tony didn't hear you if you were screaming?" I need to keep asking questions to drag the answers out of her.

  "They had gone round onto the green and were too engrossed in each other to hear me. They said they thought we were laughing and messing around. That wasn’t the case. I didn't say anything to Danni because I didn't want to ruin her night. She was so happy getting together with Tony."

  She's smiling now as she thinks of her friend. Cassie is just a selfless person, she would do anything to make her friends happy, but she has taken that too far this time.

  "Cassie, did you think of telling your Mum? David needs to be reported to the police". I say quietly.

  Mr. Stanley comes over and puts our milkshakes in front of us. “Hi girls. How was school today?” He always makes time to talk to us and he never makes us leave when we have finished our drinks.

  “It was ok, boring as usual. The first day is always about settling in the new classes,” I say smiling at him.

  He looks at Cassie and then at me “I’ll leave you two to your milkshakes.” He walks away to serve some more customers who have just walked in.

  Her head lifts up quickly and she looks me right in the eye and says "I don't want anyone to know Bonnie, they'd all think I encouraged him and I know I didn't. I just want to forget it. Please." She is pleading with me and has reached across to grab my hand with hers. "Please Bonnie!"

  As hard as it is to not tell anyone I can't see Cassie like this, but I understand where she is coming from. I don't think I'd want anyone to know either. I just worry how it's going to affect her by not being able to talk about it. "If it's what you want then I won't tell anyone. I think you should tell your Mum though."

  "No," she shouts. "Especially not my Mum. Please Bonnie!" She's crying again. “I don’t want my Mum to be disappointed in me Bonnie.”

  “She would never be disappointed in anything you do Cassie, but if it’s what you want then I won’t tell anyone. ”Now drink up your milkshake and let’s talk about something else. Jezza walked me most of the way home today" I say smiling.

  She looks at me and smiles. "Wow that is fantastic Bonnie, I like Jezza, he has always been kind to us. I’m so happy for you.”

  "Me too Cassie,” I say laughing. And then we are back to normal Cassie and Bonnie conversations but I can't shake this feeling that something bad will come out of this.

  We finish our milkshakes, link arms and walk towards Cassie's house. I say goodbye when we get there and she hugs me and says "Bonnie you are the bestest friend in the world I don't
know what I would do without you." She hugs me before she goes into the house.

  . I walk towards my house and all the time I'm thinking about how brave Cassie is and how could something like this happen to someone as nice and loved as her?

  When I'm home I go to my room to finish my homework and try not to think about this David person and what he did to Cassie. I know this could have all been so much worse.

  It's at this moment that I decide that I will protect Cassie and keep her away from guys. She doesn't need them in her life right now.

  “First Day (back) at School”

  Cassie

  So, having decided to go to back to school to complete sixth year instead of college, I’m heading back into my old school. Except it doesn’t feel like my old school. There is a separate wing for the sixth year students so it feels like everything is new, but some of my old friends are there which makes it even better. There are a few new kids but other than that it’s just like last year.

  I see Danni and I do my best to avoid her. Thank god we’re not in many of the same classes and we usually don’t spend time together at school. I don’t know what to say to her and it’s best if I don’t say anything at all.

  At break time everyone is talking about the beach party and what fun they had, it seems to have been the best party of the summer! I decide to join in and tell everyone what a great evening I had and how much fun it was. All I want to do is to be sick, go back to bed and not talk to anyone. I had to run to the toilet to vomit about three times already today.

  I manage to get through my first day back by just keeping my head down and not really engaging with people. My friends think I am still sick after being off school yesterday. I let them think that, it makes things easier for me.

  Danni sees me when I am on my way home and shouts “hey Cassie, wait up. I want to talk to you.”

  I wait for her to catch up with me. My hands are getting sweaty and my heart is racing.

  “What’s going on? How come you’re avoiding me?”

  “I’m not avoiding you Danni I’m just rushing around today. I wasn’t in yesterday so I am trying to catch up,” I say not catching her eye. “Honestly I’m fine – I had a great time the other night.”

  “Yeah looks like David was really into you. What happened with him? Why did you give him the wrong number?”

  I stopped breathing for a minute, I don’t know what to say, “umm what?” I spluttered. “What makes you think I gave him my number?”

  “Well he said you gave him your number and when he tried to ring you on Saturday, it didn’t ring so he asked Tony to get the right number for him. He thinks he wrote it down wrong.” Something isn’t right here. I don’t like the way she is looking down to the ground and just kicking the stones. It’s like she’s nervous.

  “Umm I kind of gave Tony your number to give to him. I thought you had already given it to him so I didn’t think it was a problem. I’m sorry Cassie.”

  “Nothing happened between us.” I can feel myself sweating and I still can’t look Danni in the eye!

  So, that was who was ringing me all day Saturday. “I didn’t want him to have my number. I didn’t like him like that Danni!” I’m getting angry and I know I shouldn’t take it out on her, but god what was she doing? There is an unwritten code, where you don’t give out someone’s number until you’ve asked them if it’s ok.

  “Don’t worry, he’s gone back to Bristol so I’m sure he won’t be bothering you, long distance relationships never seem to work out anyway” she says clearly annoyed with me.

  “I hope you’re right Danni, I really do. I’m going home I’ll see you tomorrow.”

  So, this is how I spend the rest of the week, avoiding Danni and ignoring the phone when I’m on my own. When Mum and Dad answer the phone the other person hangs up without saying anything. The calls soon stop and I start to relax around my friends, life seems to be getting back to normal.

  Or as normal as my life can be now!

  My gang of friends and I, both guys and girls, hang around down at the beach at the weekends. Danni seems to always be with Tony but thankfully David is never with him anymore. We drink a little, well I drink a lot, more than I ever have before. I just want to forget what happened, never to have to think about it again.

  Unfortunately, I can’t forget. When I’m on my own it’s all I think about. I know I was lucky and that I managed to fight him off in time, but what if I hadn’t? What if he had forced his way in? I can’t stop thinking about it and I just want to cry all the time. I don’t, I just put on a fake smile and laugh and joke with my friends. No one is going to know what happened. I drink more and more each week in a bid to forget all about David and that awful night. Then out of the blue it all comes to a head!

  The beginning of the end!

  One weekend in November, we decide to have a beach party. I know it’s a bit late in the year for a beach party, but we wrap up warm and light a fire - it’s just what we do!

  So we’re having this beach party and I’m drinking heavily. Danni and I are talking again, I didn’t stay mad at her for a long time because we have always been good friends and she didn’t realise what David had done to me. It wasn’t her fault. She is always telling me to slow down on the drinking, but I don’t listen. I’m having fun tonight, over the last couple of months I hadn’t let myself have fun! I hadn’t let go of my emotions and just enjoyed myself.

  Half way through the night I feel someone come up behind me and I hear something that I’ll never forget, “Cassie, babe, I missed you.” I jump a little and scream when he puts his hands on my shoulders.

  No way was David here pretending that we’re a couple and that I wanted him or something. No way was I letting that happen in front of my friends.

  “What did you call me? I’m not your babe. Did you not get the message the last time?” I growl at him. People are starting to look my way¸ I don’t want to draw attention to myself but I’m not going to be a pushover either! I finally decided that enough is enough. I am not going to be a victim any longer.

  David grabs me roughly by the elbow and pulls me away from the others. “I think you’re the one who didn’t get the message the last time, Cassie. I will have you when I want to,” he growls in my ear. “Whether you want me or not – you better get used to that idea.”

  I manage to pull myself away from him and run back to join the party. I sit myself down in the middle of them all and pretend to be having a good time. I pick up a bottle of vodka with the intention of getting drunk. I normally only drink beer but tonight I need to forget, tonight I need to take it one stage further.

  Tony and David finally leave and I start to relax. Unfortunately, the vodka is having a bad effect on me and I start to feel sick. I walk down to the water and just breathe in the sea air. I can feel the tears falling down my face as I kick off my shoes and start walking into the sea with not a care in the world because tonight I’m going to forget.

  Tonight I’m going to end it all and then I won’t have to remember anymore because tonight I’m going to cease to exist!

  I can hear shouting and my name drifting across the wind. One voice. Two voices and then more. I don’t stop. Everything has become so clear now.

  I know what I need to do to stop remembering.

  The water is cold. As cold as ice. It’s dark in the sea and the moon is beautiful shining in the dark sky. I walk closer to the moon, which is reflecting on the sea and inviting me to join it. It gets bigger and bigger the closer I get.

  Then, all of a sudden the land shifts under me and I start to go under. It feels colder and colder the further I go under the water. My body is getting numb and all I can think about is that’s it’s all over and I don’t have to think about it anymore! The world becomes so still and quiet then everything goes black.

  This is it.

  This is the end!

  “A New Start!”

  The sun must be rising in heaven because the light is so brigh
t I can’t focus.

  “Cassie, baby girl wake up. Please wake up.” Wow! That sounds just like my Mum. What is she doing here in heaven? I’m confused. I still can’t open my eyes though.

  “Cassie we love you, we can’t lose you, you’re too precious to us”. Yeah that definitely sounds like Mum.

  I try to open my eyes but they’re so heavy and the sun is blinding me. “Did I make it? Is this heaven?” I croak, my throat is really sore and my voice sounds so rough! I thought everything was supposed to be beautiful in heaven – why do I feel so bad??

  “Oh my god Cassie, can you hear me? Baby girl I love you, you’re going to be ok. I’m here I’ll help you, I’ll take care of you.” Yeah that’s definitely Mum.

  “Mum, where am I? What happened?” I say with tears running down my face! I’ve finally opened my eyes and I realise I’m in the hospital.

  My Mum is crying; she never cries. “Baby girl you were at a beach party and you had too much to drink. Then Danni saw you walk down to the sea, you took off your shoes and then you ...” she’s sobbing. “.... then you just walked into the sea. Danni shouted at you and then Steve and Rob ran into the sea after you. They managed to get to you and drag you out. Jezza had to do CPR until the ambulance came. You stopped breathing Cassie. You stopped breathing.” She can’t say anymore because she is sobbing uncontrollably.

  “Oh Mum, I’m sorry, I just wanted everything to be gone. I wanted the last few months to have not happened. I’m sorry I really am.” I sob, I’m so sad that I didn’t die because now I know that I will have to explain myself to everyone. They will all know what David did to me.

  I sob because I love my Mum and I am glad that I am still here and I know she will help me to get through this.

  Apparently I’ve been in the hospital for three days and Mum and Dad have been at my bedside the whole time. They are exhausted!

  Once the doctor has checked me over, they send a psychiatrist in to see me to ask me about what I did and why I did it. I explain as much as I can without telling her anything, if that makes sense. I blame it on the drink and that I had felt depressed since my friends had moved on to college and I had gone back to school without them. They decide to put me on medication and I have to stay in hospital for another couple of days so they can keep an eye on me!