My One Regret

by Krissy V

  After we’ve eaten the picnic, we talk a bit more about school, we talk about what we want to do when we finish school and just about our friends. By the time we start to tidy everything up its four o’clock and I can’t believe we have been here that long. “Wow Jordan it’s four o’clock, the time just flew past,” I say looking at him.

  “Yeah it sure did,” he says smiling at me as we fold up the blanket. I hope you enjoyed your day so far because it’s not over yet,” he says staring into my eyes. My heart is flipping and flopping all over the place as he reaches down and takes my hand. He brings it up to his lips and kisses it very gently. “Are you ready for some more fun?” he says with a big smile on his face. He keeps hold of my hand; it feels good, so I don’t take it away.

  “What else do you have planned, Jordan? This has been amazing already today” I say holding his hand a little tighter.

  “Well the football lads have arranged a little bit of fun at the “old rec ground”. I know Bonnie is going to be there with Jezza and I thought we might go and see them for a bit, that is if you don’t mind being seen with me,” he asks looking sheepish. Why would he think that I’d mind being seen with him?

  “Why would I be embarrassed to be seen with you Jordan? You’re gorgeous.” I put my hand in front of my mouth. “Oh my god did I just say that aloud?” I can feel myself blushing, but I know the best thing is just to continue to talking. Hopefully he didn’t notice. “If you’re worried about the age difference then that doesn’t bother me, age is only a number.” I’m laughing because I’m embarrassed by what I had said.

  “Yes, you did say that aloud and I’m flattered coming from such a hot girl,” he smiles and rubs my hand with his thumb. “Yes, I didn’t know if you were worried about the age difference. I’m not and I’m glad you’re not either.” He’s looking at me intently and he leans over and kisses my cheek.

  I make a small little moan, I hope he didn’t hear me, oh my god I’m so embarrassed. What am I doing?

  We walk over to the “old rec ground” and all the gang are there, including Danni and Tony. As usual, when I see Tony at the weekends, I always look around to see if David is there, I notice that he’s not. I know I was holding my breath while I was looking around, but then I release it when I realise he’s not there. I hope Jordan didn’t notice anything.

  We have a great time with our friends and then it’s time for me to go home. I told Mum that I won’t be too late, because I know she’ll worry.

  Jordan walks me to the door and introduces himself to my Mum, which is really funny. He is quite confident considering his age. We both agree that we have our own things to do on Sunday, so I tell him that I will see him at school on Monday.

  As I watch him walk down my drive he turns and says, “See you Cassie, thanks for a great day. I’m glad you came out with me. See you Monday” and then he is gone.

  Mum is watching me and I am expecting the third degree, but it doesn’t come. All she says is “he’s very nice Cassie, I can see he will treat you well,” and she has a tear in her eye.

  “I’ll be your everything”

  Life has never been so good. I hang out with my friends and Jordan as much as I can. I didn’t see him on the Sunday after we had our first date, but he rang me on Sunday evening and we stayed on the phone for hours. I can feel myself falling for him more and more each time I talk to him or see him.

  You know when life is going good; you just know that it will all come crashing down at any minute.

  We have been seeing each other for about three weeks and we are at Pebbles Beach Café having a milkshake. This has become our favourite place to spend time. It’s very welcoming and we just like to sit and chat for hours.

  We are saying goodbye to Mr. Stanley when Jordan grabs my hand and pulls me outside. We’re leaning up against the wall watching the sea, when Jordan says, “Cassie, I really like you and I really want to kiss you, but I don’t want to push you.”

  I just look at him with tears in my eyes. I really want this with Jordan and I have to push any image of David, that I might have, to the back of my mind. “Jordan” I say leaning closer to him. I know he is waiting for me to tell him its ok, but I just take the lead by leaning in even further and taking his lips between mine.

  Very softly I kiss him. I have my eyes open and I can see the surprise in his eyes, but it’s only for a split second. Then he is taking my lips between his. I feel his tongue slowly forcing its way into my mouth. I have mixed emotions right now, because I’m really enjoying it, but it’s bringing back memories that I have long since buried.

  Jordan is a great kisser and I concentrate on his lips, my hands go up towards his neck and I pull him even closer to me and I moan into his mouth. He has one hand on my lower back and the other one wrapped in my hair pulling on it slightly. I hear him groan and then he stops kissing me but he doesn’t pull away.

  He rests his forehead against mine and whispers into my mouth “I’ve wanted to do that since the moment I first saw you in your Economics class. Do you know something Cassie? It was even better that I thought it would be. You are an amazing and beautiful person,” he says pulling away slightly to look me in the eye. He has my head in between his hands so that we are looking directly at each other.

  I can feel tears welling up in my eyes; because what he just said is so beautiful and I am overcome with emotion. I pull him closer to me and kiss him again, just so I don’t have to say anything back to him.

  We’ve been kissing for a while when we both pull back and start laughing.

  We see a lot of each other over the next couple of weeks because we don’t like being apart. My friends have accepted Jordan and he is now good friends with Jezza and Tony.

  One night we are at a beach party having a dance, laughing and generally having fun when Tony turns up, Danni is sick and has to stay at home. He comes over to us and then says, “Oh Cassie, you remember David don’t you?” Everything seems to happen in slow motion, he steps to one side and there is David, looking at me with the type of grin that will make you vomit.

  “Hi Cassie, remember me? How’ve you been?” he says, he’s a real slimeball. I can feel myself tensing all my muscles and I don’t realise that I have dug my nails into Jordan’s arm.

  “I’m fine thank you David,” I say through clenched teeth. By this time Bonnie has come over to see who it is that Tony has brought with him. She stops dead when she hears his name, then when he talks she comes over to me and holds my spare hand.

  “Breathe Cassie, breathe in and out,” she whispers in my ear then she steps back slightly so that I can turn to walk away. I just need to get away from him; just hearing his voice is bringing back all the memories. Memories that I have tried to suppress.

  I turn to walk away from David when he puts his hand out to stop me. “I thought I might have heard from you after the last party.” He has a disgusting smile on his face, well it’s more like a sneer. “I tried to ring you but you were never there. I was very disappointed.”

  He looks angry, but I can only look at him with contempt on my face and anger in my eyes and say “you obviously didn’t get the message then I see.” I turn and run down the beach.

  I don’t turn around, I don’t want to know what is happening behind me. I can hear shouting; Tony is one of them. “What the hell is going on David? What are you talking about?”

  Bonnie is shouting too. “So, you’re David! Well let me tell you something, you made a big mistake turning up here tonight.”

  Last of all, I hear Jordan, “Who are you? What did you do to make Cassie run away like that?” I don’t hear his reply but I hear Jordan saying “I’m not finished with you, when I’ve calmed Cassie down you and me are going to have a chat.”

  Jezza is shouting at him too. “Yeah Jordan, I want to be part of that conversation. You go and check on Cassie and I’ll make sure HE doesn’t disappear.”

  I can’t hear anything else except the blood pumping in my body and I can
feel myself holding my breath. I know that my lovely quiet life is about to come crashing down and I don’t know if I can handle it. I start sobbing and sit on one of the big rocks.

  I can hear Jordan running up the beach to get to me as fast as he can and Bonnie is not far behind him. Jordan reaches me first and pulls me up and just engulfs me in a big hug. I try to wriggle free at first until I can smell him and I know it is his arms around me. “Hey, I’m here for you. Just breathe slowly in and out nothing bad is going to happen to you, I promise” he says quietly into my ear.

  I feel myself calming down. I don’t know how he does it, but I always feel calmer when he is with me.

  Bonnie has reached us at this stage and she starts rubbing my back. “Come on Cassie, it’ll be ok. Please just calm down. He’s not worth it.”

  She is getting a little bit hysterical now and I say “I’m ok Bonnie honestly, its just a shock to see him again. I thought I’d never see him again.” I’m nuzzling into Jordan, knowing that I’m delaying the inevitable but enjoying this moment of closeness.

  “Ok look Cassie, you need to sit down here and take some deep breaths. We can talk when you’re ready, only if you want to,” Jordan says taking control of the situation.

  I sit down and hold his hand and Bonnie’s hand too. I think about what I can say. “I can’t, I can’t, I’m sorry.” I stand up and just run and run and run as far as I can. I hope they don’t follow me, but I suppose I know they will.

  I can hear shouting back at the party and it’s getting closer too. The next thing I know someone is pulling at me and trying to push me down on the sand. Why is David doing this to me again? I start fighting, kicking and punching at him. I fall to my knees. “Leave me alone David! Why are you doing this to me again, why? What did I ever do to you?” I’m full on sobbing now still kicking and punching with all my might.

  “Cassie stop. It’s me, Jordan, please stop. I’m here and I’m going to protect you. I promise I won’t let anyone hurt you, come on please, it’s me.” He puts his arms around me now to try and stop me from kicking and punching him. “Please Cassie?” I can hear him sobbing as he tries to calm me down. I stop thrashing around and just lie face down in the sand crying. I can feel Jordan’s heart thumping really quickly and then he lifts himself off me and pulls me onto his lap, kissing my forehead and rubbing the top of my head.

  Bonnie is there too, trying to calm me down. I start to breathe normally and I know that once I look into Jordan’s eyes I’m going to have to tell him what happened last year and I really don’t want to. He likes me for the person I am now. How will he feel towards me when I tell him? I don’t know what to do.

  I look up at Bonnie first and she looks at me with eyes that tell me to tell him. She smiles to make sure I’m alright and then says “I’m going back to the group to make sure David is still there and to make sure he doesn’t go anywhere. Everything is going to be fine Cassie, I promise.” She starts walking over to the group and I can hear voices and then shouting.

  Jordan is still rubbing my back and when I dare to look into his eyes all I see is his love for me. I open my mouth to start talking and Jordan shakes his head, lifts his finger and puts it to my lips. “Let me talk first Cassie, while you get your head sorted” he smiles and I nod.

  “Cassie, when I met you I felt a pull towards you. I didn’t understand it, but the more I’ve got to know you the more I feel it. I believe you’re my soul mate and that we are meant to be together. I love you Cassie and I know it’s not the right time to tell you this, but I do and I need you to know it.” I can’t stop looking at him. Did he really just say he loved me? I can feel a tear rolling down my face. Jordan uses his thumb to wipe it away.

  “I’m not finished yet. I asked a lot of people about you before I got to meet you at Jezza’s party. I wanted to know you and understand you. I heard rumours about a beach party, but they were only rumours and I knew you would tell me when the time was right. I think now is the right time. You need to stop carrying this burden by yourself, whatever it is. I’m here for you and nothing will change that. You’re my soul mate, my other half. I love you Cassie.”

  What can I say to that? “Jordan I ... I ..I love you too and I’m sorry to burden you with my problems, and I know I have to open up and tell someone.”

  I take a deep breath and tell him what happened to me that night in the playground. I don’t stop talking for fifteen minutes and I can see his eyes cloud over. “Jordan, I’m sorry, but there’s more.” I go on to tell him about the beach party in November last year when I tried to kill myself. I’m sobbing so hard that I can’t see through my tears. What I can see though is that Jordan is getting angry and I put my arms around him because I don’t want him to be angry with me.

  “Jordan, I’m sorry. Please don’t be angry with me, I don’t want to lose you because you think I’m a liability,” I say, because I’m so worried about the look in his eyes.

  I see his eyes change; they become turquoise again. “Cassie, you’re not going to lose me, I told you I would be here for you, whatever happens. I’m just so angry with that guy who’s standing over there and I’m trying to control my anger. I feel like I want to kill him for what he did to you Cassie. I... Love... You,” he says kissing me on my forehead between words. “It’s my job to protect you and that’s what I want to do. I haven’t done a good job though I’m sorry,” he says looking at the ground.

  “Jordan, this happened before I met you, it’s not your fault,” I say not understanding what he’s saying.

  I hear Bonnie approaching us; she says that we need to ring the police and my Mum because we can’t keep this to ourselves any longer. “Cassie I know you don’t want to do this, but you need to confront him and you need to ring your Mum. She will come down here and she will make this all right! They are waiting for you to make your way over to the group and David is still there with Jezza and Tony. He won’t hurt you Cassie, I promise,” she says looking at me and I know she’s right.

  “I won’t let David or anyone else hurt you, remember you’re my soul mate,” Jordan says and kisses me on the top of my head while pulling me in close. “No one!”

  I know that I have to go over to them, I’ve put it off too long already. I take Jordan’s hand and Bonnie links my spare arm and we walk back over to the party.

  When we get there, I can see that Jordan is struggling between hurting David and protecting me. I stand in front of him and pull his arms around me like a comforting blanket. I can see that Jezza and David have been fighting and Tony now has hold of David so that he can’t run off.

  Tony is the first to say something. “Cassie, I’m so sorry. I didn’t know anything happened that night. I thought you both liked each other and that you were laughing not screaming. I feel so guilty, I’m so sorry,” he’s crying now and I have to stay strong or I’ll collapse on the ground. “I can’t believe you tried to kill yourself because of my stupid cousin, I’ll never forgive myself Cassie. We could have all lost you and you are the one who keeps our gang together. You mean so much to all of us.”

  “Tony, it’s not your fault. You didn’t do this to me. HE did,” I spit towards David. “He ... He ..” I need to try and compose myself. “He told me I was a slut and I that had wanted him all night, I hadn’t even noticed him until you introduced us. Just ask Danni. He pounced on me and started ... he started to touch me and then undid my shorts and then when he was undoing his I kicked him in the balls and ran. That’s when he grabbed me and told me I was a slut. Then he said he would come back for what was his. I was so petrified that he would come back and finish what he started that I couldn’t live with it any longer.”

  I stop to control myself and feel Jordan pulling me even closer and he whispers in my ear. “Cassie, I’m so sorry. I love you.” I can hear him crying. What have I dragged him into? A sorry messed up life that’s what.

  I don’t know how long we stand here, I don’t say a word to David and he never speaks to anyone, h
e just looks down at the sand. Everyone is looking at me and all the guys have tears in their eyes. I don’t know what to say to them, they all love me and that makes me so happy.

  I hear a noise behind us and when I turn I see my Mum approaching us. I fly into her arms, sobbing hysterically. Bonnie and Jordan come up to us and they tell her what happened that fateful night and everything that happened after. My Mum is sobbing now and she holds me even tighter. “Baby girl, why didn’t you tell me? I would have helped you and we could have talked about this. Are you ok? Did he try anything tonight?”

  “No, Mum he just showed up and was looking at me, I freaked and then when Jordan followed me down the beach I thought he was David and I started kicking and screaming. Mum what am I going to do?”

  “Well I rang the police on the way over here and they’re pulling up now, so we are going to walk over to talk to them. I see Tony has already taken David over to them.”

  My Mum is holding me up while I walk over to the police. How am I going to manage going through it all again? Will they even be able to arrest David? Yes he assaulted me, but he didn’t rape me, even if that was his intention. It was so long ago, how can they believe me? I start sobbing harder and harder and I feel Jordan come up to my Mum and pry me off her.

  “Cassie, come on breathe in and let it out, breathe in and let it out. Come on you know you can do it,” he says and he sounds like a broken man.

  I look up at him and smile to let him know that I appreciate him being there for me, he leans down and very gently touches his lips to mine. He pulls away and passes me back to my Mum. “I’m not going anywhere. I’ll make sure I can be with you when they question you, ok?”

  “Why?”

  When we get over to the Police I can see David has been handcuffed and is being put into the back of one of the police cars. At least I don’t have to stand there and look at him any longer. Mum has one hand and Jordan has the other.