by Krissy V
We will see each other when we are both back home, who knows what will happen then. When I talk to Bonnie or Danni I don't ask about Jordan, but they tell me anyway. He's missing me so much and he's hanging around with my friends so that he can hear what I'm up to. I know he doesn't hate me, he still loves me and I know he agrees with what I'm doing, but it does hurt. So much!!
Work is unbelievably amazing! I have always wanted to work in editing and I'm doing a lot of running round and skivvy work, but I don't care because I'm working in the perfect environment. I love reading, making sure that anything written is at its best and is an enjoyable experience for the reader. I feel that I have to give one hundred per cent to this because it will help me get my dream job when I get home in four months and counting. I gave up a lot for my dream job but it was the right thing to do, it hurts though. Every day I think of Jordan when I wake up, when I go to sleep and so many times during the day. My heart feels like it is breaking every day. I am wearing his necklace and instinctively I touch it when I think about him. It makes me smile and I vow never to take it off.
1992
Two months and counting ... I'm looking forward to going home, but I know that life won't be the same. I'm not the same. I just miss everyone so much. I still think a lot about Jordan, but it's getting easier because I'm so busy and think about nothing but work all the time. It was for the best!
Bonnie and Danni are coming out to see me when my placement is over and we are going to just relax for a week. I can't wait!
My boss, Claudia, has given me a really big project to do. I can't believe it; she's trusting me with this new author and has given me her account. I'm so excited I just want to cry. The first thing I do is ring my Mum, "oh my god Mum you are never going to guess what happened today," I'm shouting down the phone.
"What happened, baby?" she's laughing.
"They gave me my own account at work. I'm looking after Donna Tartt, Mum you know she's amazing." I'm laughing and crying at the same time.
"Oh Cassie that's amazing I'm so excited for you." I can tell she's really proud of me.
"I can't wait to come home Mum. I miss our hugs and chats," I say going quiet on the phone.
"Me too Cassie, me too, but I'm so proud of you and what you are achieving. It was definitely the right decision for you to make. I love you." She's crying now.
"I love you and Dad so much. Thank you for giving me this opportunity." I have to finish off the call because I feel so homesick. I go to bed crying my eyes out!
“If Wishes Came True”
This is my last week on my placement and Bonnie and Danni came out a week earlier than I expected. They've been sightseeing while I've been working.
I arranged to meet them in the local bar after work to let our hair down and have fun.
I usually finish work late, but Claudia knows it's my last week and my friends are here so she has let me go early these last couple of days. She rings me about four o'clock and I think she's going to let me leave extra early.
"Cassie, can you come into my office please?" she says down the phone and she sounds so serious that now I'm worried.
"Sure Claudia, I'll come over now.” I get up from my desk, smooth my skirt down and walk slowly over to her office. My heart is beating really fast and I can feel my hands starting to get sweaty. I hate confrontation and I hope she isn’t disappointed with something I’ve done. I’ve tried really hard to prove myself and show that I really wanted to get as much out of this internship as possible.
I stand outside her door and take a deep breath. "OK Cassie," I say to myself "you've done nothing wrong, just go in there and see what she wants."
I knock on the door and wait for her to tell me I can go in. I open the door and walk over to the desk and sit in the chair opposite Claudia. "Hey Cassie," she says. "I can't believe your placement is nearly over. You've done a fantastic job and we have been delighted to have you here with us."
"Thank you," I say looking at the floor. I was never good with praise. "I'm hoping that the unbelievable experience I've had here will help me get my dream job when I go back home." I say, hoping she will understand that I'm asking for a good reference.
"I'm sure it will. Have you any idea what your dream job is though Cassie? Do you know what you really want to do? Have you thought about the opportunities available to you when you get home?”
She looks at me and smiles. I don’t think she is going to tell me off, she is smiling too much. I don’t get chance to answer her questions as she continues.
“I want to discuss an opportunity with you! Donna Tartt has said that she was amazed with the work you've done for her and she wants you to be her personal editor. This is a phenomenal opportunity and one that is very rare, particularly at your age."
Is she still talking? I lost her somewhere at phenomenal.
"Oh my god are you serious? Wow! I don't know what to s.. s.. say." I'm stuttering now.
"I know, it's amazing and something I would have loved when I first started out. Hell, I’d have loved that at any age." She says smiling at me.
"Now obviously, if you take this opportunity it would mean staying in the States and not going home at the end of next week. I know you want to go home so badly." Crap I hadn't thought about that, now I just want to cry.
"Your friends are staying with you, so I'm giving you the rest of the week off to have some fun and think about this offer. This can be a turning point in your career if you decide to stay, so think long and hard about it. Talk to your parents and your friends and then we can meet up on Friday to discuss your decision. Whatever you decide to do, I will back you one hundred percent" She's smiling at me because she knows how amazing this is.
"Claudia, wow! Thanks." I'm gushing now. "I really can't believe it, what an amazing opportunity. Obviously, it's something I really need to think about, not the job – that is my dream, but my family and friends. Thank you so much Claudia." I get up and walk around her desk and give her a hug. I can see she is shocked but then she relaxes into it.
"Cassie you deserve it. You’ve worked so hard during your internship and this couldn’t have happened to a nicer person. Now off you go and have some fun," she says pointing at the door.
I walk over to the door, but before I walk out of the room I put my hand on the door handle and turn around with the biggest smile on my face. "Claudia, thank you for believing in me," and then I walk out. I go back to my desk in a daze, collect my bag and walk out of the building. I head over to the bar and luckily Bonnie and Danni are there before me. They smile when they see me.
Danni says, "wow Cassie you're early, we were just going to grab a table and order a drink before dinner."
"Ok let's do that" I say with a huge smile on my face.
Bonnie looks at me and says "Cassie what's going on? You've got a huge smile on your face."
"Let's grab this table and I’ll order the drinks.” I see a waiter passing by us so I stop him. “Can we have three San Francisco cocktails please?" The two girls look at me. We usually only drink a couple of beers and never get drunk, especially when I have work the next day.
"Girls, I have something really important to tell you and I need you to help me make a decision. This is something life changing for me and I want your advice. I love you guys so much and I know you'll tell me what's best for me." They both look so confused.
"You know my placement is over at the end of this week and then we are going travelling for a week, well Claudia called me into her office today and has offered me a once in a lifetime job. To be sole editor for Donna Tartt.” I stop talking and look at the two girls. They are staring at me with their mouths open. Bonnies starts clapping her hands really fast, she is so excited.
"It would mean staying here in the States; so it's a big decision and I need you both to help me make the right decision." I look up and they both have tears in their eyes, they look at each other smiling, then both stand and come round the table and hug me.
&n
bsp; "You are amazing do you know that? You have come all the way over here, put your name out there in a really hard industry and now you've been offered a job of a lifetime. Oh my god Cassie I'm so proud of you," Danni says crying.
"Me too Cassie. I wouldn't have been able to do what you've done in a million years. You’re so strong. I know in my heart that you've got to take this job and see where it takes you. I’ll miss you so much, but look at the great holidays I can have.” She pulls back so that she can see me, “Cassie, this is your rollercoaster ride babe, and it's not time for you to get off yet," Bonnie says and I'm sobbing.
Our cocktails arrive and we have a toast "To best friends," I say and we clink our glasses.
"To dream jobs," Danni says and we clink glasses again.
"To the right decisions," Bonnie says and we clink for the last time.
We look at each other and start laughing then down our cocktails in one.
As we order more San Francisco cocktails I think about what the girls have just said and it reminds me of the decisions I have already made. I start to feel sad and I look at the girls and say, “sometimes the right decisions are the hardest ones we have to make. I miss Jordan you know, and now I won’t be able to come home and accidentally bump into him. Not for a couple of years anyway. It hurts so much. I really want to have him close to me, holding me and telling me that I’m doing the right thing and that it’s OK to pursue my dream without him here with me.”
They both smile at me. “You know Cassie, the hardest thing you ever did was to walk away from Jordan. You didn’t need to do that, he wants to be with you and he wants to move here to be closer to you when his scholarship ends.” Bonnie takes a sip of her new cocktail, which the waiter has just put down on the table. “That can still happen you know.”
“I know Bonnie, but I want him to enjoy every aspect of being in Canada. He’s still young and needs to lead a normal, healthy life – full of girls, drink and parties. He doesn’t need to be thinking of me all the time, he needs to go out and have lots of fun. I told him that if we were truly soul mates then our souls will always find each other.”
“In my opinion, I think you are really silly to be thinking like that, he doesn’t want to have fun, he just wants to be with you,” Danni says.
“I know, but I don’t want him to wait, I want him to enjoy his freedom.” I can feel the tears starting to form in my eyes because letting Jordan go was the hardest thing I have ever done and thinking of him enjoying his freedom with someone else just kills me. I need to stop thinking of him because it just upsets me.
“Let’s not worry about that tonight, I don’t let myself think about him very often because it hurts too much,” I sigh. “Tonight I just want to get really drunk and celebrate my good news.”
We clink glasses again, “to a good night!” We start laughing again and it sets the atmosphere for the rest of the night.
I have a funny feeling, I’ve had it a few times since I’ve been here but it’s a lot stronger tonight. I look around me because the hairs on my neck are standing up.
“Are you ok Cassie?” I turn slowly and look at Bonnie. I look at her strangely, I heard her say my name but I don’t know what she said.
“Sorry, did you say something?”
“Yeah I asked if you were ok. You looked a bit spooked.”
“Sorry Bonnie, I’m fine. I just had a feeling someone was looking at us. I can’t see anyone I know, so I guess I just need more drink.”
She laughs and we throw our cocktails down and order more.
“Release Me”
We had a great night, lots of cocktails and dancing and I can definitely feel it in the morning as my head is really sore the next day. I’m not used to drinking and don’t usually get hangovers. Thank god I don’t have to work today.
We sleep in and over breakfast we decide to go sightseeing for the afternoon and we head down to the bay to get the ferry across to Alcatraz to see the amazing prison. It is a fantastic place and it feels really eerie, especially when you walk into a cell and they close the cell doors. You are trapped inside the small cell and it made me think of all the inmates who used to be inside and how they must have felt living inside these small rooms all day and night.
I feel all shivery and look out from between the bars. This is what it would have been like for David, if he had been sentenced. I shudder – I don’t like to think about him but sometimes he just pops into my head and I get nervous thinking about his comment that he would find me and finish what he started.
Thankfully, the “warden” doesn’t leave us inside for long and we all sigh with relief. I look around me because I have the feeling that I am being watched. Why does this keep happening to me? Maybe I was just kidding myself that I could move on without it affecting me.
“Are you ok Cassie?” Bonnie asks me.
“Sorry I was just a little spooked back there, the thoughts of people living in those cells just made me think of David. I’ll be fine.” I sigh.
“Come on let’s explore the Island before we sail back.” I say linking their arms and walking back outside the prison.
We walk around the Island but there isn’t a great deal to see, so when the ferry comes back to drop more visitors off, we climb on board and enjoy the short ride back to the bay. It is a sunny day and we make the most of it by having lunch outside. I love being by the water, it remind me of home. I regularly come down to the bay and sit, drinking coffee thinking about Mum and Dad.
I can’t fully relax though today, because I know I have to ring them and tell them about my amazing job offer and that I might be staying in the States. We have thrashed through every eventuality and I know that I just have to stay. This is something I have wanted for so long and it is being handed to me on a silver plate. I have to grasp it with both hands and see where it takes me. This is a one in a million opportunity and I don’t want to regret not taking it. No regrets remember.
When I speak to Mum and Dad they agree that I have to take the offer. There are tears, but they are so proud of me and know that I need to do this. They tell me that they are going to come out to visit me at the end of the month so they can meet Claudia and see where I’m living. I miss them so much.
We go out to a restaurant overlooking the Golden Gate Bridge, which is so beautiful and I realise how lucky I am to be given this opportunity. I also know how hard I'm going to have to work but I don’t mind, this is what I want to do.
I go back to work on Friday and tell Claudia that I am taking the position and that I am delighted to be working with her for longer.
When I meet the girls after work I tell them that I still have the following week off work. So that means we are still going travelling, as planned. The only difference is that I am not going home with them. That will be a sad day when I have to say goodbye
We have a really good night but when we got back to my apartment I have a message on my answer phone. I press the play button without thinking about it.
I stop dead in my tracks.
"Cassie, I heard your great news. I wish I could be there to celebrate with you. I miss you so much and love you even more, but I know it was the right thing for both of us. I'm in Toronto and it looks like they're going to take me on here too.” I smile and touch the answer phone as if by touching it I am touching him. My other hand reaches up to touch my infinity chain that Jordan gave me. It makes me feel closer to him.
He continues to talk. “Looks like we both landed our dream jobs. Thanks for pushing me into making the right decision.”
I smile at the phone. “I hope I get to see you soon." He hangs up!
Wow Jordan rang me. How did he find out so quick?
I sink to the floor sobbing. I miss him so much and I was just starting to get through a day at a time without thinking about him. Hearing his voice and feeling the answer phone vibrating when he was talking made it feel like he was here in the room with me. I thought I was getting over him. How stupid of me to think like
that, I’ll never get over him. I know that now!
Bonnie and Danni hear me sobbing and sink to the floor with me. They both hug me and rub my back.
"Sorry Cassie, I told Jezza your news and he must have told Jordan. I didn't think he'd ring you. I’m sorry babe," Bonnie says through her own tears.
"I'm not mad Bonnie. It was hard leaving him, but we both needed to concentrate on our futures. It was the right thing to do, we have both been offered our dream jobs because we left Newquay. That means the world to me," I say meaning every word of it.
I go to bed that night thinking of Jordan. Who knows when I'll see him again - if I ever will! I am heartbroken because this is so final, the door was always left open to meet when we both go home and now I have closed that door on this chapter of my life.
I have a dream about my wedding; I’m standing on the cliffs in Newquay looking out to sea. I’m there on my own in my beautiful white wedding dress. I turn around slowly to see where everyone is, but no one is there. I turn back to look at the sea, it’s quite rough. There’s a storm approaching and soon enough I can feel the spray from the sea reaching up to the top of the cliff. I look down at my dress, I don’t want it to get wet, this is an important day; this is the day I get to marry the man of my dreams.
I turn away from the sea and slowly walk back down the hill where I can see Jordan waiting for me at the bottom. He is reaching his hand up to me for me to take so that he can help me down. He is smiling at me and I smile back at him, I am so happy.
Every time I reach out to take his hand though he becomes more and more out of reach. I start to cry as I try to take his hand, I can feel the tears falling down my face. Everyone is stood behind Jordan and they are all reaching out for me, but they just seem to get further and further away as I walk closer to them. I can feel myself starting to panic, I become frantic running down the hill and yet they still get further and further out of my reach.
All of a sudden I stop running and when I turn around I am back at the top of the hill looking out at the raging sea once again. If I can’t get to Jordan then what is the point of being on this planet? I turn once more and look at Jordan and my friends and family reaching out their hands to take mine, they are shouting at me but I can’t hear what they are saying.