by Krissy V
I say goodbye and then I jump into the raging sea, it is the only thing that calms me as I fall deeper and deeper into the depths of my own despair. I am thrown around the sea like a jumper in a washing machine, but still I keep falling. My dress flies up over my face as I take my last watery breath, and keep falling, spinning out of control.
I hear a scream and I wake realising it’s me, but I can’t breathe. I can’t see. I start thrashing around in the bed screaming, it really feels like I am drowning.
All of a sudden I hear a thud as my door crashes open. “Cassie, what’s wrong. Wake up Cassie.” It’s Bonnie and she is holding my hand. “I’m here.”
I can feel myself calming down and then I can breathe again, and I can see. “What happened? Why was your nightdress over your head? Your face is wet. Cassie what did you dream about?”
I realise that my face is wet because I was crying in my sleep and when I jumped into the sea I must have moved around so much my nightdress flew up above my face, just like in my dream. My necklace, that Jordan gave me, got caught and was pulled really tight against my throat, which is why I thought I couldn’t breathe.
“Bonnie, just hold me please.” I wasn’t ready to tell her about my dream; I know it will bring back unpleasant memories from the beach party when I walked into the sea ready to give up on everything. Thank god for my friends or I wouldn’t be here in San Francisco, being offered the job of my dreams. I owe them so much.
She holds me for about twenty minutes before I feel I am ready to tell her what happened, then she pulls me close and cradles my head in her hand and holds it close to her head. “I know this is hard Cassie, all the old memories were brought up last night. Do you have these dreams often?”
“No I don’t Bonnie, I promise. I haven’t had a dream like that in a long time; you don’t need to worry about me honestly. I’ll be fine now I promise.” All the time I am saying this I can feel my heart hardening, I need to get past this. I was the one who was insistent that we didn't have a long distance relationship. I need to move on and the thought of that just breaks my heart.
Bonnie climbs into bed with me and holds me tight and eventually I fall into a deep, dream free sleep.
“White Wedding”
2000
Today is the night before my wedding. I am unbelievably nervous and keep wondering whether I am doing the right thing?
I’m only twenty seven and I met Chad two years ago, I love him and I know that he will make me happy. So, why am I thinking about Jordan? I know everyone says you never forget your first love and I can honestly say that is true. He creeps into my thoughts when I least expect it and then I get sad. I don’t regret anything about my life, I have an amazing time here in the States and it was the best thing I have ever done. However, it is also the worst thing I have ever done. Jordan is my one regret in life. I wonder how things would be if he were in my life. I know that he won’t be there for me ever again as I am closing yet another door to prevent us being together, but I need to move on and it took me a while before I could do that. I met Chad and he is perfect for me, he is a wonderful man.
I need to keep my mind on him. We have a lot of fun together, we want to be together. I love him and I know he loves me. I know it sounds like I am trying to convince myself, but I’m not really.
We’ve talked about starting a family after we get married and I would love to have a couple of children. I can see myself surrounded by nappies, day trips, and babies and I know my parents would love grandchildren.
We are going to Australia for our honeymoon and I am so excited, it’s a place I’ve always wanted to go. Danni lives there now with Tony and after the wedding we are flying home with them and we are staying with them in Perth after we have been to Sydney for a week. We have two months off work to enjoy and I know that I will enjoy the rest.
Work has been unbelievably hard, but I have risen in the ranks and have quite a few authors under my belt. I also do some freelance editing and particularly like working with Indie Authors. I’m not really fussy on the genre I work with because, as a reader, I like almost all genres.
I now work in New York, which is where I met Chad. Time flies when you live in New York, everything happens at a fast pace and I suppose that’s why we’re getting married after this short time together. It’s the most natural thing to do.
I go to bed thinking about Jordan and how my life would have been so different, but I like my life now and tomorrow I’m getting married. Mum and Dad are here with me tonight and they love Chad, they can see how much I mean to him and how much he takes care of me and loves me. That’s all Mum and Dad ever wanted was for someone to love me as much as they love each other. Isn’t it?
“It’s a Nice Day for a White Wedding!”
Today is my wedding day. It’s beautiful outside and it’s a perfect day to get married. However, I spent the night dreaming of my wedding but to a very different man. Jordan. I wake up crying and feel a loss like I’ve never experienced.
I am truly closing that chapter of my life.
This is a milestone for me.
Why does it feel like my heart is breaking all over again?
The wedding is amazing, Bonnie and Danni are bridesmaids and they look so beautiful. I am feeling really emotional today and keep crying, both for my loss of Jordan but also for Chad and how much of himself he has given to me. He loves me unconditionally; I love him back but never as much as I loved Jordan. It is enough though; enough to make him happy.
The party after the wedding is so much fun and I can’t wait to spend the night alone with my husband, Chad.
Chad is gorgeous, he used to play American Football at college and he goes to the gym every morning before work. He has blonde hair, which he keeps tight to his head, he is naturally sallow skinned and he has blue eyes, everything I love in a guy. He is such a gentleman and knows how to treat a lady. I remember the first time I met him, I was speechless because he was so gorgeous and then for him to come and talk to me was just amazing.
We were at a work ball and he was there with his company. He came up to me and said, “please may I have the pleasure of this dance?”
I thought to myself, wow so old fashioned and romantic. So far removed from the men in my life since Jordan. My love life now fits into two categories. “Before Jordan” and “After Jordan”. I am a different person “After Jordan”, it was a major turning point in my life.
“Why of course,” I said with a twinkle in my eye and a slight grin. He took my hand and led me into the middle of the dance floor.
“Hi,” he said taking my hand and kissing my knuckles. “I’m Chad,” he looked intently into my eyes.
“Hi,” I blushed. “I’m Cassie and I’m really glad you pulled me away from those old cronies,” I laughed.
We danced for a few songs and I couldn’t help but notice that when he put his hand on my lower back I could feel an excitement building up inside me. I could feel myself blushing and I tried not to look at Chad.
After a few dances he said “Do you want to go and get a drink, I’d love to talk to you for a while longer. I don’t feel like I’m ready to let you go back to your group yet.” He was stroking my lower back as he spoke to me.
“Yeah that would be good, its getting warm in here anyway,” I said looking directly into his eyes. What I could see in his eyes was desire and lust, I felt that my eyes mirrored his and couldn’t wait to spend some time alone with him. He made me have feelings that I hadn’t had for such a long time.
We had a few drinks and I didn’t talk to anyone else at all that night, it was like the whole of the room just disappeared and it felt like we were on our own. When it was getting late, Claudia had come over to me and said goodnight with a twinkle in her eye. She whispered in my ear “go off and enjoy yourself Cassie, you work too hard. Tonight is your night to play hard!” She winked at me and walked away.
I knew she was right; I had a reputation for “all work and no play.” That had been
my defence mechanism for the previous eight years and I had not let anyone into my life in all that time because I hadn’t wanted my heart broken a second time. It had hurt so much the first time; even though it was something we had both decided to do.
“Do you want to go and get some breakfast Cassie?” Chad said and I looked at him and then looked at my watch.
“Oh my goodness, we’ve been talking for the last four hours. Where did the time go?” I laughed, it was amazing to talk to someone who understood me and I had known when we went for breakfast that Chad would be someone important in my life.
I’m brought back to my wedding by the signal for the start of the speeches. The food is fantastic and everyone seems to be having a great time. Chad stands up to say the first few words, “Ladies and Gentleman, I think you would agree with me that my wife, Cassie, looks amazing.” There are rounds of applause and wolf whistles when he calls me his wife and I gaze up at him with love in my eyes.
“Cassie” he says looking down at me. “I love you so much and would do anything for you. You have become my one, my only and my everything.” I have tears in my eyes looking at him now and I can see he has some tears too. “I have bought you a wedding present with the help of your parents and Bonnie. I just hope you like it.” He looks worried when he hands me an envelope.
I open it slowly, because I have no idea what is inside. When I open it there is a piece of paper with a picture on it and a key. I’m confused so I open the piece of paper and see a photo of a house in Newquay that I’ve always loved, it stands on a little island on the beach. It’s beautiful and I’ve always fantasised about living there.
“What? .... Are we going there for our honeymoon? I thought we were going to Australia?” I’m really confused, but then the thought of going home to Newquay after all this time for a trip makes me start smiling. “Are we going to rent it after Australia, babe?” I ask and everyone is silent.
“Yes, Cassie we are. However, I’ve bought the house for you. I was told that this is a house that you have always dreamt about and I wanted to give you an amazing wedding present as you have given me the best present a man could ever want. You walked down the aisle today and agreed to be mine,” he has tears coming down his face at this stage and I know that I am sat with my mouth open just staring at him.
He leans over to kiss me and says, “say something babe, please. Do you like it?” I reach up, grab him and pull him close to me and then give him a really big passionate kiss and I can hear everyone wolf whistling in the background, but I don’t care.
“I love it. I can’t believe it. I love you so much Chad, thank you so much.” I have tears streaming down my face and he wipes them with his thumb before he gently places a kiss on my lips.
The rest of the wedding is fantastic and everyone has a great time. I can’t believe I have my own house in Newquay to stay whenever I get to go home and visit. My thoughts stray to Newquay and the fact that I didn’t go home for about 6 years after moving to San Francisco and even then it was only for a short trip to see my parents, Bonnie and Danni before she moved to Australia. God, I miss them girls, but now that we have mobile phones and email it is so much easier to keep in touch.
It soon gets to the time that Chad and I have to leave the wedding party to go to our honeymoon suite as we have an early flight in the morning. We also both want some time on our own to reflect back on the day and of course to truly become man and wife in the biblical sort of way.
“My Heart Will Go On”
2005
Today is our fifth wedding anniversary and life has been amazing for us. We’d been trying to start a family for the first three years and enjoyed “trying” in every possible situation and position. Then after various tests we found out that Chad was unable to father any children. This hadn’t bothered us that much as there were always other options, but we decided that we had so much fun together and wanted to live out our dreams. We made a decision the night that we were given the test results, that we would see as much of the world as we could. Obviously, we were both still working, so could only go to these places when we had holidays from work.
So far, we have been to all my favourite places in the world like Paris, Milan, Rome and of course Newquay. We only manage to get home once a year and usually it’s for Christmas. Mum and Dad come over to us once a year too, so it doesn’t seem too big a gap between seeing them. I miss them a lot, but they are so proud of me, and everything I have achieved.
Today we are going to the airport and we are heading off to Disney World. I have always wanted to go to there and we had been waiting to take our children, but seeing as we can’t have any we are just going to go anyway. I am so excited. I’m like a child in a sweetshop and Chad is laughing at me about how giddy I am.
He hasn’t been feeling well this last week and we talked about cancelling the trip. “You know it’s not too late to cancel Chad. I know you aren’t feeling the best. We have all the time in the world and can go anytime. You need to concentrate on getting better so we can plan where else in the World we are going to go.”
He walks up behind me and wraps his arms around me. He rests his chin on my head, “no, we are going baby. I know how much you want to go to Disney. This is one of those things on your bucket list and me sharing it with you is on my bucket list too.”
“Ah, thank you. I’m so excited and can’t wait to meet Mickie, Minnie and the gang. I feel like I am about ten years old all over again.”
He chuckles and pulls me tighter to him. “I love your enthusiasm for life, you really inspire me. When I met you I knew you were going to be someone special in my life, I just didn’t realise how special. We are going to set Disney World on fire this week, see everything and go on every ride. I can’t wait for the night time shows, they are supposed to be spectacular.”
“I know, I can’t wait either. You need to take it easy though, this bug is really wiping you out. You look so pale. Seriously Chad, are you sure you are well enough to go? I love you, but I want you to enjoy it too and we can always reschedule.”
“I love you, Cassie. Do you know that? You are truly selfless and I couldn’t have wished for someone better than you to share the rest of my life with.”
He seems upset and I realise that this bug really has been kicking his arse.
We get the suitcases and take a cab to the airport. We have plenty of time before the flight and I leave Chad looking after my carry-on bag while I go and do a bit of shopping.
One of the things I love about America is Victoria Secret and I am so lucky there is one at the airport. I walk in and while I am looking around I spot the perfect outfit I need to buy. It is red with white spots just like Minnie Mouse and it is just the thing that will lift Chad’s feelings when he sees me in it. I might even buy some “Minnie” ears to go with it. He will love it!
I smile to myself and put it into my bag. When I get back to Chad he is asleep, he seems to be doing a lot of that lately.
We get on the plane, first class of course, and Chad sleeps for the whole journey. Bless him he is going to need his energy for the remainder of the trip, because I am going to take him on every ride in the park. I smile thinking about the two of us on the rides behaving like children.
I’m browsing through the in-flight magazine when I come across an article about Rape and Sexual Abuse Victims. My heart starts beating really quickly as this is a part of my life I have pushed to the back of my mind and forgotten about. Well, it’s not fully forgotten but I try not to think about it anymore. I glance over at Chad to check he is still asleep because I don’t want him to ask me any questions about the article that I want to read.
It is a really good article about a new charity, Pebbles that has been set up to help victims to move on with their life. Their motto is ‘Pebbles – the Stepping Stones to healing.’ They provide counselling, workshops, online forums and support groups to help victims to get their lives back on track. I wish I had had that kind of help when I was you
nger; maybe I wouldn’t have tried to take my own life. I look over at Chad worried that he might be able to see my guilt at reading the article.
Reading it has made me think about David and how easy it would have been to just let him do what he wanted to. How many girls go through this and think that they deserved it? Maybe they were flirting, maybe they had given off the wrong signal, but it is still wrong. God, I wonder how my life would have turned out if he had raped me. I don’t want to think about it, I usually do a good job of blanking it out, forgetting that it ever happened. I realise now that I was so lucky that he hadn’t taken it all the way and raped me. I feel a lone tear over spilling from my eye and rolling down my cheek.
Thinking back to this part of my life, makes me think of Jordan and I wonder what he is doing, how he is and did he ever find love again? He would have made a great Dad and I wonder whether he has any children. This makes me a little sad; bringing up lots of memories that I have tried so hard to bury in my life. I look across at Chad and it reminds me of what I have now and how lucky I am. My life is perfect!
I fall asleep for the rest of the journey and when we land I gently wake Chad and we disembark the plane. We hold hands as we make our way through the airport, collect our bags and go out to arrivals, where a limo is waiting for us. “Wow,” I say. “I wasn’t expecting this,” I turn and look at Chad and kiss him.
“It’s our anniversary baby, I can’t have you getting into a cab on our anniversary,” he says kissing me on the forehead. We get into the limo and settle back for the short ride to the hotel. Chad falls asleep in the limo, all he seems to do is sleep these days. This bug is really hard on him. I know he is conserving his energy for the rest of the trip, so that’s fine, I am tired too. We pull up at the Polynesian Village Resort and go to check in. The Hotel is like being in the South Pacific and there are tropical palms, lush vegetation, koi ponds and white-sand beaches. I can just imagine moonlit walks along the torch-lit waterfront. When we get to the room, I ask “Chad babe, are you ok? You’ve not been yourself all day.”