My One Regret

by Krissy V

  We then had dessert, which was banoffee pie, another favourite of mine. After dinner we cleaned up then took our wine into the lounge.

  "Mum, Dad" I say, looking at the both of them. "When I was flying to Disney World with Chad I read an article in the inflight magazine about a charity for sexually abused girls and women. I was fascinated. They offer counseling and other services for people who have gone through similar experiences to what I did and others who went through more than I did. I was intrigued, I didn't say anything to Chad because I'd never told him about David, I wanted to forget that part of my life.”

  “You never told him? How come?” Mums asks totally dumbstruck.

  “I didn’t want him to feel sorry for me, I wanted him to know the new Cassie that I was then, not the victim. Does that make sense?”

  “Of course it does baby, I’m just surprised that’s all.”

  I smile at her and carry on. “When I flew to Vegas with Bonnie I read the article again. So when we were ready to leave Vegas I arranged a bank transfer to the charity. It took the bank manager a couple of phone calls to get the details, then I donated $200,000." Mum and Dad are staring at me with their mouths open.

  I hold my hands up in the air to stop them talking. "I know it sounds like a lot of money, but I'm comfortably well off and I wanted to give something to these amazing people who can help others. I only wish I had that service available to me." I can see tears in both my parents eyes.

  "I hope to do some volunteer work with the charity while I'm here, but I haven’t approached them yet. I think they only have an office in London and I’m not sure I want to travel anywhere yet." I'm looking at my parents, waiting for them to say something.

  "Wow! That is truly selfless and it’s so great that we have such a giving and caring daughter," Mum says and she gets up and comes over to me. "I love you Cassie and I'm so glad you're able to do this."

  Dad gets up and comes over to both of us. "I think this calls for a family hug," he says and joins in the hug.

  When the hug is over we go to bed and I sleep really well.

  “Collide”

  I've been in Newquay for a month and I love my home. I love being close to my parents and my wonderful friends. I can't even begin thinking about going back to New York alone. I think I'd hate it.

  I've been to see Bonnie and Jezza a few times at their home and they're really good company. I always feel like there is something left unsaid, like they want to tell me something. I can’t put my finger on but probably think that they don’t want to mention Jordan. I know he is a big part of Jezza’s life and it’s obviously just awkward. Tonight I am going out with Bonnie into town. It's the first time I’ve been out drinking since I've come home and I'm actually looking forward to it.

  This afternoon I sit on my veranda overlooking the beach, watching the surfers out on the waves. I let my mind drift to years ago when Jordan taught me how to surf. I wasn't any good but I only did it because it meant he would rub against me and hold me tight. I smile at the memories and I look out at the surfers. I can see one just sitting on his board looking in my direction. I can feel my hairs standing up on my arms and I start to feel little electrical impulses all over my body!

  I keep staring and I know then that the surfer is Jordan. I stand and walk to the edge of the veranda and lean against the rail, putting my hand up against my face to shield my eyes. It doesn't help me see any better, but I know he can see me and I believe he knows it's me.

  How am I so sure it is him? I remember the night of the pool party when I could feel him watching me, that's how I feel now. Why does he still affect me? After all these years, why have I never forgotten him? Why have I never stopped thinking of him? I stand at the railing for about twenty minutes just watching him on his board and then I have to drag myself away. I have to get ready to go out and meet Bonnie.

  I go back inside and climb the stairs thinking about what I will wear. I'm not going to make a huge effort, I'm not out to catch a man. I'm going out to catch up with my best friend.

  I decide to wear a simple cut black dress, low sweetheart neckline with a nipped in waist which has a couple of diamantes on it. I wear low-heeled pumps with the dress. I apply a little make up and then just mess up my hair a bit and walk the short distance to the pub we are meeting at.

  I see Bonnie as soon as I walk in the pub. She has on a short black skirt with ripped tights and her doc martins. She also has a purple top on tonight for a splash of colour. I smile at her. walk over and give her a big hug.

  "I missed you this week," I say giving her a kiss on the cheek.

  "Me too" she says. "I can't wait to catch up on everything. Why don't we go and sit at a table outside it’s so warm." She has her hand on the base of my spine and is pushing me towards the patio area.

  "Sounds good to me," I say, although I feel like I don't have a choice. We find a table and sit down. "Ah Bonnie, I miss this, just sitting and chatting and being so close." I rub her hand.

  "Me too," she says "more than you know," she smiles at me. We sit and talk for two hours about what I've been up to. How the house has come along. What I've enjoyed doing and just generally gossip.

  "So," Bonnie says, "I've got something to tell you."

  I don't like the sound of this, I hate when people warn you before they say something bad.

  "Well actually I have a few things to tell you; some good, some bad." She looks really nervous.

  "I won't ask for the bad news first, because I hate when people say that. So just tell me what you have to say Bonnie." I smile at her as nothing can be as bad as she is making it out to be.

  "Well .... Jezza proposed last night. It was our anniversary and I said yes!" She is beaming from ear to ear.

  "Oh my god. I can't believe you didn't tell me this morning." I lean over the table and give her a big hug. "So any idea when you'll get married or even where?" I'm so excited for her.

  "Well we want to have a small wedding and I don't want to get married in a church, so I'm going to go to the Atlantic hotel to see if they do civil weddings. You can come with me if you like." She looks at me expectedly.

  "Of course I'm coming with you," I smile.

  "Great I knew you'd be happy for us and that you'd help me. Now, you know I said it was going to be a small wedding well there's only going to be about twenty five guests to the wedding and the dinner, then we will have a shin dig at night with loads of people." I nod for her to go on.

  "Well, I want you to be my Maid of Honour." I have a lone tear running down my cheek.

  "I'd be honoured to be your Maid of Honour." I start laughing at what I just said. "I'm a poet and I didn't know it."

  Bonnie laughs with me and then continues. "Now, Jezza has chosen his best man and you need to know that this person has been his best friend for years. I don't know how you are going to take it but he is asking Jordan to be his best man." She looks at me sheepishly.

  I don't know what to say, I can feel the air around me get thicker and I'm finding it hard to breathe. Deep in and slow out - I keep repeating to myself. "Oh OK. Wow! I knew they were friends, but didn't realise they were such good friends, you never mention him."

  "I purposely don't mention him because I don't want you to get upset or angry that we still talk to him. He never did anything wrong!" She is searching my eyes to try and see how I really feel. "The wedding will be in about six months, as long as we can get the date we want. What do you say?"

  "I'm so happy for you and Jezza. You should have who you want at your wedding. I’ll do whatever you want Bonnie." She leans across the table and kisses me on the cheek.

  "Thanks" she says. "I knew you wouldn't mind and I'm sure Jordan won't either." I don't know how I feel knowing that I'll be seeing HIM and talking to HIM and having to have the first dance with HIM. I can feel it getting warmer when I start thinking about his hands on me as we dance. I feel myself flush, I really need to pull myself together.

  Bonnie gets a text mess
age from Jezza telling her that Jordan was delighted to be best man and looks forward to seeing me again. "Wow! So what's the first thing we need to do?" I ask and Bonnie starts talking about what she wants and how she wants everything to go.

  I drift off into "Jordan" land and I start to wonder what he's been up to all these years. I wonder how he really reacted to finding out I'm Maid of Honour. "I need to go to the toilet Bonnie, I'll be right back." I need to splash some water on my face because I've started getting warm.

  As I'm walking around the bar I notice that it's pretty crowded and so when someone behind me starts pushing and shoving I don't take any notice. Although my senses feel like they are on high alert.

  "I told you I'd come back for what's mine!" I hear this heavy deep voice say.

  "David, what the hell are you doing here? Let go of me!" Now I start to panic. Why does he make me feel so defenseless? I've dealt with more important people at work, but this guy just makes me feel sixteen all over again!

  He's got his hands around my waist guiding me out towards the toilet. He keeps pushing me past the toilets and out the back door into an alleyway. "You struggling all those years ago really turned me on. I hope you don't disappoint me tonight. I've imagined this moment for years." He's got me pushed face first up against the wall.

  "You don't want to do this David, I'll make sure you definitely get put away this time," I say with tears running down my face. I realise that the more I struggle the more turned on he will get.

  He starts pulling my dress up slowly, revealing the tops of my stockings. "Oh my god, you've definitely improved with age!" I fight back by kicking him, but it's not easy as I'm face first against the wall. "I just want to feel your body - it's all I've been able to think about. I've pictured this so many times and I can't believe that my dream is finally going to become a reality," he's whispering in my ear.

  I noticed he doesn’t look polished like he did when I first met him; he looks dirty and unkempt! He smells of drink and cigarettes. What is he going to do to me? I hate to think. "So Cassie, this is how it's going to work. You are going to do what I say and come with me. I’m going to take you down this alley and then we are going back to the playground by the beach, where it all started! You are going to come quietly and then I want to hear you scream when I finally make you mine." He's rushing his words like a well-rehearsed speech. I'm worried that he's mentally ill or something; one thing I do know for sure is that he is definitely mentally unstable.

  "No, I'm not coming with you. I'm going to fight you on this David and I'm going to scream." I shout at him to try to make him understand.

  I didn't expect what happened next. He punched me right in the face and I banged my head off the wall. I can feel the blood running down my face. Now I don't even know if I'm going to make it through the night. I'm sure he's going to kill me before the night is over. He has to kill me so that I don’t tell anyone what he does to me. The tears are flowing down my face, but I sob silently. I don't want him to know how scared I am, because that obviously turns him on.

  "Now you WILL come with me and you WON’T make a noise. You don't know how pleased I was to see you in the pub tonight it was a real surprise," he says as he's kissing my cheek. I struggle and try to get away from him but he just shoves me back into the wall. Then he starts to pull me away down the alley and I start struggling. He just punches me in my side and pulls me closer. I can see some people coming down the alley.

  "Don't you dare scream, Cassie. You can do that later when I'm inside you," he whispers in my ear. "Come on darling," he then says loudly so the other people can hear him. "Why did you get so drunk? I can’t believe I have to practically carry you home. I love you baby".

  The other couple look at us and have a little giggle. I hear the girl say "oh she's going to be in big trouble tonight!" and then they laugh.

  If only they knew. I wonder whether they will remember seeing me when he's killed me and an appeal goes out. I hope so because he needs to be taken down.

  His car is just outside the pub and I start to think he is going to drive to the playground. He is so drunk he can't drive; he will kill the two of us. Maybe that's a good thing! He opens the boot and picks out a blanket and some other things I can't see. He drags me to the beach and then into the playground. "Do you remember Cassie how nice it was that night? It was warm like tonight and we were young and innocent. But you hurt me when you kicked me. What was that all about? I know you liked me I could tell." He's talking and talking.

  "No, David you're wrong. I didn't want you then and I don't want you now. Let me go and I promise I won't say anything to anyone. Please David." I'm pleading now because I know I'm pleading for my life. This isn’t some teenager playing a game anymore, this is a man who will kill to get what he wants. ME!

  "You do want me, you've always wanted me," he says as he pushes me to the ground onto the blanket he put there. "I can't believe that this is going to happen tonight. Cassie thank you for making my dreams come true." He's on top of me kissing my lips but I won't open them. He bites down on my lip drawing blood and as I open my mouth to scream he forces his tongue inside and he's pinning me down.

  When he pulls his tongue out of my mouth he says, “I followed you to San Francisco you know. I heard that’s where you were and it took me a few months but I found you. Do you remember the day trip to Alcatraz? I was so close to you I could have had you there, but you took the boat back before me. Disney World was nice too, although I wasn’t happy about that guy being with you. I watched you that first day, but you never came back after that. It wasn’t worth my while staying any longer once you had left. I’ve been waiting to bump into you since you came home Cassie. Thank you for making it easy for me.”

  He reaches into his pocket and gets out some tape, he kisses me once again and then tapes my mouth so I can't scream. I start wriggling and he goes into the other pocket and gets out some rope and a knife. I am really scared now! This is it he's going to rape me and then he's going to kill me. He grabs my two arms and pulls them above my head and wraps the rope around them and then he ties the rope around the pole for the monkey bars so that I can't move them.

  He stands above me and he smiles. The bastard actually smiles at me and then he stamps down on my ribs. "That will keep you quiet,” he says. The tears are streaming down my face now. There is nothing I can do. I close my eyes when I hear the sound of his zip and the sound of his trousers being pulled down.

  I can feel him on top of me, pulling my dress up. Then he rips my panties off me and spreads my legs open very wide.

  He says, "oh my god Cassie you look so beautiful right now. So much better than I dreamed of." The next thing I know he slams himself inside me. I start thinking of anything except where I am and what is happening to me. I think of Mum and Dad and how sad they will be when I'm no longer here. I think of Chad and how I will be joining him soon. I think of Bonnie and Jezza and them asking me to be Matron of Honour. This leads me onto Jordan. I think of all the nice things we did and the love we shared.

  All the time David is slamming in and out of me, he is relentless. As I can feel him starting to cum he says, "I love you Cassie, I always have, but if I can't have you then no one else can." He grabs my head and he bangs it so hard on the ground as he cums inside me.

  Everything goes black, I can't hear anything and I can feel my soul drifting above my body. This is it. This is death!

  And I welcome it!!

  Bonnie's POV

  I'm so excited I'm going out with Cassie tonight. It's the first night she's wanted to go out. Usually she comes round to our house or we go to hers. It's hard work though because of our friendship with Jordan, even though he doesn't live here anymore he comes to visit regularly. So when Cassie is over it's hard to talk about what we've done without mentioning him. I made a decision years ago not to mention him because if I did she would get upset, even after she married Chad. Sometimes I wish I’d told her, but now I know that tonight I have to.<
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  Jezza asked me to marry him and of course I said yes. I'm so excited and I can't wait to ask Cassie to be my maid of honour. I'm sure she will say yes. Jezza is asking Jordan to be his best man as they are best friends. I hope it's not going to be awkward, but I think they are both older now. I know Jordan found it very hard when Cassie left and then he moved to Toronto for a few years. When he moved back to England, he moved to London, where he set up his business. He comes home regularly though; he is staying with us this weekend. I know he's hoping to bump into Cassie soon.

  I go to the pub and wait for Cassie. I don't have long to wait as she is on time as usual. I steer her outside because I thought I saw someone who looked a bit like David, but he was really scruffy looking so I’m not sure it is him. I don't want anything to spoil our night.

  We sit talking for a couple of hours and then I know I have to ask her. "So" I say. "I've got something to tell you. Well actually I have a few things to tell you, some good, some bad." I feel really nervous.

  "I won't ask for the bad first because I hate when people say that so just tell me what you have to say Bonnie."

  "Well .... Jezza proposed last night it was our anniversary, and I said yes!" I know I'm beaming from ear to ear.

  "Oh my god I can't believe you didn't tell me this morning," she leans over the table and gives me a big hug. "So, any idea when you'll get married or even where?" She sounds so excited for me.

  "Well we want to have a small wedding and I don't want to get married In a church so I'm going to go to the Atlantic Hotel to see if they do civil weddings. You can come with me if you like." I hesitate.

  "Of course I'm coming with you," she smiles.

  "Great, I knew you'd be happy for us and that you'd help me. Now, you know I said it was going to be a small wedding, well there's only going to be about twenty five guests to the wedding and the dinner. Then we will have a shin dig at night with loads of people." She nods for me to go on.