My One Regret

by Krissy V

  "I love you guys so much and I'm sorry for the pain and anguish I've caused you, yet again." I'm crying too now.

  "No, baby girl you've not caused us the pain and anguish, David has and we need to talk about that tomorrow when the police come. We've told them they can't interview you without us here," Dad says. He's struggling with his words.

  "I know and I will talk about it tomorrow with the police, but I don't want to think about it tonight, please let's talk about something else." I plead.

  "Ok" Mum says, although I can see she isn't happy; but she understands. "I'm only going to say this once so listen to me please, do not keep it all to yourself like last time. You can talk to any one of us, we are here for you, we all love you, each and every one of us." She kisses me on the forehead.

  Dad does the same. "Just remember we love you. We are going to go to the cafe to get some food and a coffee, do you want anything Cassie?"

  I get all panicky at the thought of being on my own and I ask "where are the others? Will someone stay with me? I don't want to be on my own." I can feel the fear rising in my body.

  "Don't worry; Bonnie, Jezza and Jordan are outside they won't leave you on your own. There has been someone with you twenty-four hours a day since you came in. Just remember we ALL love you," Mum says as she goes to the door and opens it. They both walk out and my three friends walk in.

  Bonnie runs up to me and gives me a gentle hug and kisses me on the forehead. I can see she is trying really hard not to cry. "Cassie you gave us such a fright, I thought .... I thought he'd killed you."

  "Bonnie, stop. Leave it until she's feeling better." Jordan says looking at me. "I'm sure she doesn't want to talk about it right now. Let's wait until she is ready to talk to us." He smiles at me and I feel myself blush. I'd forgotten how handsome he is.

  "It's ok Bonnie, I will talk to you all, but I don't want to talk about it today. I have to talk to the police tomorrow, so when I have got that out of the way I will talk to you, I promise." I take her hand and rub over it gently.

  "Jezza and Jordan I can't thank you enough for coming to rescue me like that. I don't know what would have happened if you hadn't arrived when you did. Thank you." I can feel tears coming to the surface.

  "Jordan, I understand you've been here all the time and I want to say thank you, but you don't have to be here, I'm sure you have other things you need to be doing." I can hear the catch in my voice as I give him a chance to leave.

  He walks over to me in the bed and takes my hand, I flinch a little feeling his warmth spread through me. "Cassie, I have nowhere else in the world I would rather be right now. I want to be here. I want to look after you. I need to look after you." He's looking deep into my eyes. I see a shadow pass over his eyes.

  "But if you don't want me to be here then I'll just go. Tell me what you want. Do you want me to stay or to go?" He looks so sad, like someone has taken away his favourite toy. "You were my best friend and I've missed that so much. I want to be your best friend again, please let me."

  Bonnie shouts at him, laughing "err that's my job mister.”

  He laughs back at her and says, "well I'm sure Cassie has enough room in her heart for both of us."

  "What about me? Don't I exist" Jezza says and we all start laughing. "Well, you are all my best friends, I don't deserve you all, but you're all stuck with me. Jordan I am including you as one of my best friends, because you always were. Thanks guys."

  All three of them are around the bed and give me a gentle hug. I can feel Jordan's warmth through the three of them. I'm very aware of him, I would recognise his hug anywhere.

  We all talk about nothing at all, avoiding the subject of David and I'm grateful for that. When Mum and Dad come back, the six of us chat about Bonnie and Jezza’s wedding, it helps to take my mind off things.

  Soon enough it's time for them to leave. Mum and Dad are the first to go, "we need to leave you to rest baby girl, but we will be back first thing in the morning so we can be here for your police interview. Hopefully you’ll be allowed home soon." Mum says as they both kiss me goodbye.

  After about ten minutes Bonnie says "yeah we need to go too. Good luck in the morning babe. I'll come and see you after work."

  Her and Jezza leave the room and that leaves me and Jordan alone together. I don't know what to say to him, because we haven't seen each other for so long. "Do you need to go too?" I ask him tentatively. "You don't have to stay if you have somewhere else you need to be". I can't quite look him in the eye, I want him to stay, but I understand he needs to go home too.

  "If you want me to stay then I'm not going anywhere," he says pulling the chair closer to the bed and taking the seat. "There is nowhere else I'd rather be than here with you." He smiles as he leans towards me on the bed.

  We sit quietly for a few minutes and then he says "tell me about your life in San Francisco Cassie, we have a lot to catch up on."

  We spend the next hour or so talking about my life in San Francisco and New York and his life in Toronto and then London. We laugh a little and then I start to feel sleepy. "Jordan, will you stay with me until I fall asleep?" I ask. I know I don’t have the right to ask him that, but he makes me feel safe.

  "Of course, baby. If that's what you want." He takes my hand, lifts it to his mouth and kisses it. I watch him as he moves it to his mouth and I see the hint of a tattoo on his arm as his shirt sleeve rides up. I never thought he would be the type to get a tattoo. I remember that I don’t know him anymore and that thought makes me sad. I hope he allows me a chance to get to know him again.

  I lay down fully and feel myself drifting off. My eyes are really heavy and just as I feel the dark washing over me I hear him say, "I love you Cassie. You are truly my soul mate." I feel a little kiss on the corner of my lips and then I drift away.

  “A Million Love Songs”

  After a couple of hours I am woken up by someone screaming. It frightens me, I wonder who it is. Then I feel someone touching my hand and a weight on the bed. The screaming gets louder. "Cassie, Cassie it's ok, it's me, Jordan."

  I open my eyes, the screaming has stopped and I realise that I'm crying and that it was me screaming. Jordan is looking at me with tears in his eyes as he leans over to hug me. "Can I hug you?" he says, obviously wanting to make sure I'm ok after my nightmare; but aware that I might not want anyone touching me.

  "Yes please," I say with my heart beating so fast.

  He leans over me and hugs me. I feel safe. It feels like I've come home. "I missed your hugs," I say to him quietly. He continues to hold me close for another five minutes.

  He pulls away slightly and smiles at me. "Me too Cassie, me too. I'm going to see the nurse and ask if she can give you something to help you sleep." He stands and starts to walk to the door.

  "No, Jordan. Don't go!" I can feel myself panicking. I don't want to be on my own and I don't want him to leave me just yet.

  He rushes back to me and grabs my hand. "It's ok Cassie, I'm not going anywhere, I promise." He leans over and presses the call button for the nurse to come into us.

  It is only now that I take in the dim lights outside my room. "Jordan what time is it?"

  "It's three o'clock in the morning," he says as if it's noon.

  "How come you're still here? Why haven't you gone home to your family?" I don't want him to get into any trouble at home.

  "I promised you that I wouldn't leave and I never break my promises Cassie. You know that." He's looking deep in to my eyes when he says it.

  The nurse comes in at that time so I didn't get to ask him whether he has someone at home waiting for him. I really want to know but at the same time I am scared to find out he has a wife and kids.

  "I'm going to give you a mild sedative Cassie just to let you sleep a bit better. Tomorrow is going to be a hard day for you," the nurse says as she gives me a pill to take.

  I can feel the tablet starting to take effect and I say to Jordan "I never stopped loving you, you know." Then e
verything goes black and sleep takes me away.

  I'm woken by the bright light and the sound of a trolley with cups clattering on it coming into my room.

  "Morning sweetheart, do you want breakfast this morning?" says a very cheery voice.

  I try to sit up but it’s too painful. I notice Jordan isn't here and I feel sad at the thought that what I said to him might have made him run from me. I should never have said it. I didn't have the right to say it.

  "Tea or coffee sweetheart?" The tea lady says, bringing me back to the present moment.

  "Eerm tea please" I say smiling at her. She starts to pour my tea.

  "What about your friend, what does he want?" I look at her because there is no one else here. "He's just popped out to make a phone call,” she smiles at me. “He’ll be back in two minutes. He normally has coffee, will I just make the usual for him?" I stare at her with my mouth open and just nod slowly. So, he did stay the night, somehow this makes me feel better and not so panicky. I smile at her.

  Just then Jordan walks in the door. "Ah I see you're awake babe, thank you Betty for the coffee," he says and takes both drinks from her.

  "You're welcome," she says and hands him some toast for me. "I'll see you later," she says as she takes her Trolley out the door.

  "How did you sleep?" he says coming over to kiss me on my forehead. I like it when he does that, he always knows how to make me feel safe.

  "Out like a light and very well thank you," I say smiling at him. I wonder if he will say anything about what I said last night.

  "I know you don't want to talk about David, but you know the police are coming in today to interview you. Do you want me to stay with you or do you just want your Mum and Dad?" he asks. He has hold of my hand and is absentmindedly running his thumb across the palm of my hand, this is obviously just a natural reaction for him. I don’t even think he knows he is doing it. I smile at him.

  I just can't believe that he wants to stay to hear what happened. Do I really want him to know all the horrible details? Does he really want to hear them or is he being polite? I know he witnessed some of it but will he think differently of me if he hears it all?

  "Cassie, I want to help you as much as I can but if you don't tell me what happened then I can't help you. I WANT to be here for you, but if you find it too uncomfortable then I’ll wait outside. Your choice!" He says looking me in the eyes.

  "I want you to help me.” I say almost in a whisper, I don’t want to seem weak, but I really need him right now. “I don't know that you’ll want to know me when you hear what he did." I'm crying as I say this "I'm damaged ..."

  "Stop Cassie," he says putting one finger up to my lips. "Stop. I've always wanted to know you; from the first moment I ever set eyes on you, you know that. You never have been and you never will be damaged. You are my sole responsibility right now and I want to be here for you when you talk to the police. Never think that anything would make me not want you in my life." He leans forward and very gently kisses me on the cheek.

  I don't know what to say to him, because I know I am going to cry. "Yes I want you there, but I don't want you to get mad or think badly of me," I say. I know this will be one of the hardest things I will ever have to do. I don't think it will be easy for him either.

  "Never babe, never," he says as the door opens and Mum and Dad walk in.

  "Jordan, did you stay last night as well?" Mum asks him. "You didn't need to stay, we knew she was going to be ok.”

  "Jean, I wanted to stay to make sure she was ok, she had a nightmare in the night, so I was glad I stayed. I’ll be staying tonight too if she doesn't go home today," he says to my Mum. Not in an arrogant way, but in a way that leaves no room for argument.

  "Oh, well then I'm glad you stayed if she had a nightmare and needed you. I just didn't want to take up any more of your time. I know you need to go back to London soon. You can't be able to have this much time off," she says.

  "I was taking some time off anyway. They know where I am if I'm needed, I've got some good people working for me that can take care of the place without me. I'm not going anywhere right now," he says and my Dad walks over and shakes his hand. Jordan walks up to my Mum and kisses her on the cheek and whispers, "she needs me right now and I am not going anywhere." He said it loud enough for me to hear and turns and winks at me.

  I smile, he can make me smile even on one of the darkest days of my life and I love him for that.

  Jordan's POV

  When Cassie told me she wants me to be there when she talks to the police, it made me very happy. Not because of what she has to do, but because of the fact that she wants me there while she does it. I know it will be one of the hardest things she will ever have to do and I will do my best to ease her pain.

  Her Mum and Dad come in and I can see they are shocked to see me here. Jean says "Jordan, did you stay last night as well? You didn't need to stay, we knew she was going to be ok."

  It makes me a little bit mad, because they know she is not ok and she needs all of us right now. They know how I feel about her, they know I haven’t left her bedside in the whole time she has been here.

  “Jean, I wanted to stay to make sure she was ok, she had a nightmare in the night, so I was glad I stayed. I’ll be staying tonight too if she doesn't go home today," I say to her. I think she can tell by my voice that I’m a little annoyed.

  "Oh, well then I'm glad you stayed if she had a nightmare and needed you. I just didn't want to take up any more of your time. I know you need to go back to London soon. You can't be able to have this much time off," she says.

  Is she serious? Does she really think I can leave right now? How can I desert Cassie when she needs me the most? I know I have my business and my life in London; but she knows I would do anything for Cassie.

  "I was taking some time off anyway. They know where I am if I'm needed, I've got some good people working for me that can take care of the place without me. I'm not going anywhere right now." Brian walks over and shakes my hand. I then walk up to Jean and kiss her on the cheek and I whisper, "she needs me right now and I am not going anywhere." I said it loud enough for Cassie to hear and when I turn to look at her I wink and catch her blushing, she smiles at me. Her smile makes me the happiest man in the world. Maybe she feels the pull we have as much as I do.

  I know her world is going to come tumbling down around her when she has to relive that night, I want to be here for her when it does. I know I'm going to find it hard to hear, but I need to know everything so that I can help her.

  I've never stopped loving her and I'm so happy she's back in my life. I know that I need to be a friend to her first and foremost but I'll take whatever contact she gives me so that I can be here for her.

  She is my soul mate, I’ve always known that and my soul will wait, if it needs to.

  “Scars”

  Cassie

  Mum, Dad and Jordan are here when the policewoman comes into the room to interview me. When she sees everyone in the room she looks at me “We won’t be long,” she says to Mum.

  “We are not going anywhere, the three of us are staying They all tell the female officer that they are staying. She looks at me and asks “is that ok with you, Cassie? Are you sure you want them to hear what happened?”

  I look at the three of them and know that to be able to help me they need to know every detail. I nod my head “Yes it’s fine with me, I love these people so much and I need them to hear what happened, so that they can help me.”

  She smiles at me, “of course, I totally understand. They obviously love you a lot because they have been here every time we have come to talk to you.”

  She starts to walk towards the bed. “Do you mind if I sit next to the bed so that I can write everything down?”

  “Of course, that’s fine.” Jordan moves from his chair so that she can sit down. He squeezes my hand before he stands up though.

  I spend the next hour telling her everything that happened the first time round
and then what happened a few nights ago. It is heartbreaking that this has happened to me, but I need to be strong so that eventually he can be put away for what he did to me.

  When the policewoman leaves the room, Mum is crying and holding my hand. Dad is holding my other hand and Jordan is pacing the room. I can see he's angry. I know he was there at the end, but the pain and torture of what David did to me will affect him as well.

  Dad is crying and holding Mum who looks like she is going to collapse. I forgot they didn’t know all the details as they weren’t there that night. I’m sad because they’ve been through so much, I’ve put them through so much. Jordan looks at me and I can see the anger and disgust in his eyes.

  "Cassie, I'm going to get a coffee. Does anyone want one?" I know he just needs to get out of here because he found it hard to hear what I’d said to the police.

  Maybe he doesn't want to know me anymore, maybe he thinks I'm damaged goods. I don't know how I’ll feel about that. Now that I've got him back in my life I don't want to let him go. "Are ... Are you coming back?" I say with tears in my eyes.

  He looks at me and I see the anger drain from his face. He walks over to me, takes the hand my Dad is holding, puts it up to his mouth and kisses it. "I'm only going for coffee babe. I promise I'll be back. I just need a bit of fresh air." He kisses my hand again and then leaves.

  Mum rubs my other hand. "You know it was hard for all of us this morning. I think he just needs to think for a while. He was pretty angry when the police were here. I'd say he just needs to let off some steam."

  "I didn't think about that. I was just dying to get through the interview," I say crying.

  "I know," says Mum. "You did a good job baby girl and I'm sure they will put David away for a long time. You were fantastic. Now the doctor wants to come in to talk about counseling, then he can discuss when you can come home. We need you to come home baby girl, as soon as possible. We miss you so much.”