My One Regret

by Krissy V

  We get into Jezza’s car and start to head home. “Yeah we can come over for dinner tomorrow, can’t we Jezza?” Bonnie says. “Will you be there Jordan? You and Jezza can help plan too,” she ask hesitantly.

  “Of course he’ll be there,” I say, I don’t even think to ask if he is going to be anywhere else. I start laughing at the thought of the two lads organising a wedding.

  “What are you laughing at Cassie,” Jordan says looking at me.

  “I’m laughing at the thought of you and Jezza organising the wedding. Bonnie maybe you should let them do it – you know like in that TV programme ‘Don’t tell the bride.’ I smile at him to show I’m only joking. He smiles back.

  “No freaking way, they would turn it into one of those weddings at their favourite football pitch the way these two like football. Can you imagine Cassie? That would be terrible.” She laughs though at the thought of it.

  After Jezza drops us back to at Bonnie’s and then we get into Jordan’s car and head over to Mum and Dad’s, we collect Jordan’s car and head to Mum and Dad’s. I’m smiling when we pull up and I get out of the car and run up to the front door. “Come on Jordan keep up,” I laugh.

  Mum comes out of the kitchen and catches me as I run up to her and hug her. “Wow, where did that come from?” she says hugging me back.

  “Oh Mum I had a great day, the hotel was amazing and we just had so much fun!” I can see Mum has a tear in her eye.

  “I’m delighted Cassie, you deserve to have some fun. Now come through to the lounge and tell us all about it.”

  We sit in the lounge for a few hours just talking about lots of different things. I tell them about the hotel for Bonnie’s wedding and about my meeting with Joyce. Then I talk to them about my idea of counselling others when I feel better myself. They think it’s a good idea but don’t want me to jump in without feeling one hundred percent better. I tell them that Jordan won’t let me anyway, he wants to make sure I’m not having nightmares and have talked about everything with Joyce before he lets me do any counseling.

  It’s soon time to go and when we get up to leave Mum says, “Jordan, can I have a word with you in the kitchen please?” I look over to Jordan who just shrugs and follows her into the kitchen. I can’t hear what they are talking about and I’m really curious, but Dad stops me from following.

  “Cassie, they need to talk about a few things. Your mum is worried about you and she knows that you will listen to what Jordan says, so just let her look after you the way she knows best.” I nod in agreement.

  About fifteen minutes later Jordan comes out and says “Come on Cassie let’s go, it’s time to get you into bed, it’s been a busy day, you must be so wrecked”. At the front door Mum and Dad both hug me and then they hug Jordan too and say thanks to him. We arrange to go over for lunch the next day.

  On the journey home I say to Jordan; “I’m going to be the size of a house with all this food I’m eating.”

  “You’re beautiful and you will always be beautiful.” I blush.

  Once home I go upstairs to get ready for bed. Jordan gets a glass of water so I can take my tablet and he leaves it on the bedside table. He’s laying on my bed when I come out of the bathroom, I’m a bit surprised to see him there - but not in a bad way. “I just wanted to make sure you fall asleep ok and then I’ll go into the spare room,” he says looking sad.

  “No, you can stay here with me Jordan. I know you want to protect me and I know you’ll behave,” I say, secretly hoping he won’t.

  “Yes Cassie, I will behave and I will protect you” he says. Once I’m in bed he leans over and kisses my forehead. “Sleep tight babe, I’m here if you need me.”

  I feel my eyes closing and I start falling asleep when I think I hear him say, “I’ll protect you until my last breath Cassie. I love you. You’re my soul mate and my soul isn’t letting yours go this time.” I swear I feel him very gently kiss me on the lips. I snuggle in and feel his arms go around me and pull me in tight.

  We continue our routine for about a month; we see Joyce every day and I’m starting to feel much better. Jordan and I talk about everything that happened when we were apart and I feel that he knows everything about me.

  We are now only two months off Bonnie’s wedding and I can’t wait until the big day. Her dress is beautiful and so is mine. We had so much fun when we went to choose the dresses, she tried on so many different styles and we kept laughing. She is and always has been a tom boy and I know she was worried about wearing a dress, but after trying on about ten dresses, she walked out in this most beautiful dress. It is quite plain, but they finished it off with a sparkly sequined and beaded belt around her waist. When she walked out I cried. I couldn’t speak to her – I just cried and when I looked at her she was crying too, her mum was crying and the three of us looked a right mess.

  When I wake up I decide that I need to speak to Joyce on my own. I’m not sure how Jordan will take it, he’s been here for me every day, but there’s something I can only talk to a woman about.

  When Jordan comes downstairs I am sitting in the lounge looking out the window, daydreaming. He goes to make coffee and as I watch him with the coffee machine I ask him “Jordan can I ask you something? I don’t want you to be upset or anything.”

  He laughs, “You know you can always talk to me.”

  “I don’t want you to take this the wrong way, but I need to talk to Joyce on my own today. I know I said that I don’t have any secrets from you and I don’t, but there are just a few things I need to ask which I would be embarrassed to talk about in front of you.” I hope he’s not going to be mad.

  “Cassie, I knew there would be a day when you wouldn’t want me there and I understand totally. I’ll go and make a few calls when she comes over, no big deal.” He smiles at me and I know everything is ok

  When Joyce knocks at the door, Jordan let her in then he calls out “See you girls in a while,” and heads out the door. Joyce looks at me and asks, “What’s going on Cassie, did you two fall out or something?”

  “No,” I say laughing. “I wanted to talk to you on your own about something.” We take the coffees, which I’ve made, and go and sit by the patio doors, it’s not as warm out today.

  “Joyce, I’m slightly embarrassed, but I wanted to talk to you about Jordan.” I look at her sheepishly.

  She smiles at me and says, “I knew this time would come Cassie – let’s talk.”

  I’m really embarrassed but I know I just need to say it. “Joyce, I love Jordan with such a passion that I have never known, so much more than when we were at school. He means so much to me and I want to know whether to take it to the next level or not. I’m afraid to lay it out there for him, I know you can’t talk to me about whether he likes me that way or not, but I want to talk through the whole intimacy and sex thing.” Now I’m blushing really bad and Joyce starts laughing and clapping her hands.

  “I’m so excited and pleased that we are at this point in our talks Cassie. This is a real milestone in your recovery. She hugs me and then we both sit back down.

  “I’m worried about making a move with Jordan just in case it might not be what he wants. I don’t want that to come between us. He might not like me like that and I might have just taken his kindness the wrong way. Most importantly, what if I make those types of advances and then freeze when it comes to being intimate. No one has touched me since David and I don’t want anything intimate to trigger those memories. I don’t want to have David at the front of my mind, he needs to be kept at the back out the way, otherwise I’ll be back to square one.” I’m crying while I’m talking because it means so much to me.

  “Cassie, the fact that you want to talk about it, means that you are ready to start exploring your sexuality again. That’s great progress, as to whether you should do that with Jordan or not; only you know that. My view is that he wouldn’t spend all this time making sure you are improving if he didn’t care so much about you. I know that if you wanted to move
forward sexually, then you couldn’t choose a better person than Jordan.”

  We talk about it for another hour before Joyce has to leave. Jordan still hasn’t returned and I realise that this is the first time I have been on my own in the house for weeks. It feels strange without Jordan here, I go upstairs and lay on the bed. Talking to Joyce has worn me out.

  I think about Jordan and I can feel myself getting turned on, I don’t know where he is or when he’ll be back, so I take this opportunity to fantasize about him. I imagine him coming up to the bed and leaning over me and kissing me with all the passion that he has.

  I run my hands over my breasts imagining they are his hands, I can hear myself panting. I slowly move my hands down towards my waistband and slip my fingers under my pants. I’m embarrassed I’m doing this, I’ve never felt the need to do this. I am sexually frustrated and I don’t want to start something with Jordan that I can’t finish. My fingers move down between my legs and I run them up and down my lips, slowly pushing them inside. It feels amazing. It doesn’t feel weird. It feels good. I thought it might hurt after what David did to me, but it has been a few months and everything has healed.

  I hear myself moan as I plunge two fingers in and arch my back, then I pull my fingers out and lick them, they taste amazing. Then I rub them over my clit and I am finding it hard to hold onto the orgasm as it rushes through my body. I cry out “Jordan” when I cum. I relax back onto the bed but my breathing is really heavy. I can hear noises in the house and I start to get scared.

  “Cassie where are you? Cassie?” Oh my god, Jordan is in the house. I hope he didn’t hear me. I’m so embarrassed. I get up quickly.

  “Jordan, I’m here I’m just getting into the shower, I’ll be down in a few minutes.” I strip my clothes off and jump into the shower. I let the hot steamy water fall over me while I think about what I just did and what this might mean. I want Jordan and I hope he wants me too. When I’ve finished I dress quickly and go downstairs.

  “How did it go with Joyce today? Are you ok?” Jordan looks worried, I suppose he has been with me for every meeting and he doesn’t know what I wanted to talk about.

  “I’m fine Jordan, everything went well. You can stay tomorrow for the meeting; honest everything’s all fine. I walk up to him and hug him so tightly. He smells so nice.

  We hang around for the rest of the day and then when we go to bed I say to him, “Jordan I don’t want to take my sleeping tablet tonight, I think it’s time for me to see how I cope without them.”

  He looks at me and smiles. “I think that’s a great idea Cassie, come on then let’s be rebels.”

  I get into bed and we lay facing each other. “I hope I sleep well tonight.” I smile when I say it as I remember my earlier release.

  “I’m sure you will Cassie, now don’t forget I’m here if you need me. Whenever you need me.” I lean over and kiss him on the lips.

  “I know you are Jordan.” I roll over and lay facing the ceiling. He does the same. I don’t fall asleep as quickly as usual, but I roll onto my side and move back to snuggle into Jordan, it feels so natural and he puts his arm around me to move me in closer to him.

  I want to say something, to try and move this along, but I don’t know what to say. I don’t want to ruin what we have, but if I’m getting frustrated then surely he is too. I slowly start to drift off and Jordan must think I’m asleep because I feel him rub my cheek.

  I hear him say “Cassie, that was the most erotic thing I saw today. When you called my name when you came, it was so amazing. I love you so much I don’t want to lose you, but today you made me realise that you love me too. You’ve made me a very happy man. I love you.” He kisses the side of my head and I fall asleep smiling.

  “You Raise Me Up”

  I slept very well that night and every night thereafter. I don’t need to take my sleeping tablets because Jordan is here to protect me.

  I don’t let on that I heard what he said to me that night, I was embarrassed because he had seen me masturbating and calling out his name. Our relationship only got closer, but neither of us wanted to be the first one to take the next step.

  A month before Bonnie’s wedding, Jordan is going out for Jezza’s stag night. I know he’s looking forward to it and has arranged for Bonnie to stay with me for the night so that I won’t be alone. The guys are staying at Jezza’s, so we don’t have to wait for them to come home.

  On the day they are going out, Jordan and I go for a walk on the beach, he holds my hand to help me up and down the steps and then he just doesn’t let go. It feels so natural that I don’t pull away.

  We stop at Pebbles Café, like we always used to. We love that café, it’s so quaint, but it’s in need of a lick of paint. Mr. Stanley says he doesn’t get much trade anymore and he’s thinking of selling, but there’s not much interest. It’s a shame because it’s a bit of a landmark with the locals.

  We have lunch and talk about Jezza’s stag do. Jordan is looking forward to going out with Jezza and some of the other lads from school. They’re only going into town, they’re not the type of guys to go abroad for the weekend or anything, they can party hard wherever they are.

  When we get back to the house, Jordan goes upstairs to get ready to go out. When he comes back downstairs I have to take a deep breath, he looks amazing. He smells wonderful and all I want to do is to kiss him, to make sure he remembers me when he goes out looking like that. I feel territorial, I’m not sure I’ve ever felt like that before.

  I go over to him and hug him, I just can’t help myself. “Have fun tonight Jordan, you deserve it. You’ve been looking after me for long enough.”

  He hugs me back tightly. “I will. Will you be ok tonight? I know you have Bonnie, but I’ll still worry about you. I can’t help it, I’ve always worried about you.”

  “I’ll be fine Jordan, honestly. Just go and have fun! I’ll look after you tomorrow when you have a hangover,” I laugh.

  He laughs too, “Deal.”

  I hear the doorbell ring, so I pull back from my hug, it’s Bonnie and Jezza, they’re both laughing. “Now Jezza if you’re sick tonight, I’m not cleaning it up tomorrow,” Bonnie says in between laughs.

  “That’s ok Bonnie, Jordan will do it,” Jezza says slapping Jordan on the shoulder. Jordan just shakes his head.

  “Right guys, time for you to go and enjoy yourselves,” Bonnie says pushing them towards the door.

  When we get to the door, Jezza takes Bonnie in his arms for a hug and kisses her deeply and then he turns to go out the door. Jordan stops and comes back to me and takes me into a hug too. He then whispers in my ear, “If you need me, you know I’ll come running Cassie.” Then he pulls away slightly and kisses me quickly on the lips. I stare at him, I don’t know what to say, so I don’t say anything at all.

  We wave goodbye to them and then close the door after watching them walk down the road. We are having a girlie night with a takeaway and a bottle or two of wine. Now that I am not on my sleeping tablets I can have a few drinks, so I am looking forward to them tonight. We open a bottle of wine and go and put a dvd on, it’s a girlie chick flick and we soon finish the bottle. The take away comes and we drink more wine, it is so nice to just have fun and relax. We talk about the wedding, Bonnie is getting very excited, I am too!

  She asks about Jordan, but I don’t have anything to tell really, yes we are close, yes we spend every day together and we talk about everything. But there is nothing else to say really, we haven’t moved our relationship forward, of course we start giggling and speculating about how good Jordan is in bed. The more we drink, the naughtier we get.

  We both laugh, my stomach starts to hurt because I’ve laughed so much. When we go to bed, I wobble a bit going up the stairs but I just keep giggling. We get undressed and then we both get into my bed laughing. “Cassie, it’s been years since we’ve done this, I’ve missed it and I’ve missed you.”

  “Me too Bonnie, I don’t think I’ve laughed so much i
n years either.” We both lay on the bed looking at the ceiling and I can feel my eyes getting heavy. “I wonder what the guys are up to?” I ask.

  “Lots of fun, I hope,” she says sleepily.

  “Yeah me too, I can’t wait for your hen night tomorrow night,” I say as I feel myself drifting off.

  I’m dreaming that David is in the house, climbing the stairs towards my room. I can hear his footsteps coming closer to me. Boom boom. My heart is racing in time with his footsteps. Boom boom. He comes in the room and walks towards my bed. Boom boom. I start screaming for him to get out of the house, to leave me alone. All of a sudden I feel him touch me on the arm.

  “Cassie, Cassie wake up,” he says.

  “No! Go away. Leave me alone.” I’m still screaming.

  “Cassie, Cassie come on wake up you’re scaring me.” I can feel my body being shaken from side to side. I wake up and realise that it’s Bonnie shaking me and she looks scared.

  "Cassie it's me Bonnie, wake up you're scaring me" Bonnie is shaking me and crying. When I eventually wake up, I just sit there staring at her. She leans towards me and takes me into a big hug. "Cassie it's going to be ok. I'm here, I'm going to look after you,” she's crying.

  "B B Bonnie?" I say in between sobs. "It was a dream? David isn’t really here?"

  "No Cassie he’s not here, it was just a dream," she says. I can feel myself relaxing now that I know it's a dream.

  She hugs me for about half an hour and then I say, "I'm ok now Bonnie, I'm sorry if I scared you, that hasn't happened for a long time. I don’t know why tonight is different".

  We both lie down and stare at the ceiling. "It must have been the drink, I haven't had so much to drink for a long time." I can feel my heart beating really fast. Why did I have this dream?