Fashionably Hotter Than Hell: Book Six, The Hot Damned Series

by Robyn Peterman

  “That pretty much sums up real life,” Raquel muttered.

  I turned to my mate. She was correct. None of us were completely good—not even close. But… when good was weighed against bad, we definitely fell on the less evil side.

  “Make your point please,” Ethan ground out.

  “The bad guys wait for a chink in the good guy’s armor and then they attack.”

  “What’s our chink, my love?” Ethan queried.

  “Me,” she said flatly. “I’m a liability. I’m not even a full Vamp and I’m running the show to a certain degree because I’m un-killable. In their shoes, I’d want my ass on a platter too.”

  “Astrid has a point.” Raquel nodded. My mate pulled out a laptop computer and began typing quickly.

  “The old fuckers are set in their ways and don’t want change. Right?” Astrid asked as she slid a few daggers into the inside of her boot.

  “Correct,” I affirmed. “But as you said, they can’t eliminate you.”

  “No, but they could weaken me by destroying what’s mine,” Astrid countered.

  “And that would be?” Ethan prompted.

  “Oh my Hell,” she groused. “Has anyone been listening to my romance novel analogy?”

  “Um… yes?” I said trying to follow her confusing logic because I sensed there was a gem of genius coming. The painful ass-zapping session about being kind to Raquel had taught me that lesson.

  “Okay old people, it’s simple. It looks like they’re eliminating the Royal Family,” she announced. “If they herald me as the problem and I’m supported by the family… the family must go. Gareth is already aging and dying. Correct?”

  “Yes,” Raquel replied, looking up from her computer.

  “Lelia, Alexander and Nathan are missing?” Astrid continued.

  “Yes,” I confirmed.

  “Bingo,” Astrid yelled and high-fived herself.

  “It’s possible,” Ethan said thoughtfully in regard to his mate’s assessment.

  “Yep,” Astrid said as she did a little victory dance. “It’s either that or unrequited love or a love triangle or even a hidden baby that the heroine had, but the guy left and didn’t know she had his baby… and then he comes back and realizes that he loves her, but she’s hiding this huge fucking secret. You know, then there are all these stupid misunderstandings and they break up, but the sex is usually so hot that they end up back together.”

  Again we were silent.

  “Did I lose you guys?” Astrid asked with a grin.

  “Yes. Yes, you did,” I said hoping she was done. Alarmingly, I kind of followed her bizarre logic due to her penchant of making me listen to the plots of her damn books… not that I would admit it aloud.

  “Sooooo, back to the matter at hand. Were we all invited to the Summit?” Astrid asked as she gave Ethan an evil eyeball.

  “Yes, we were,” Ethan replied with a shrug. “They’re gunning for you. There was no reason to bring you here.” He defended his omission. “If you kill the entire Old Guard, we could have bigger problems on our hands.”

  “Hmmm… so little faith in me… In the future, if you like BJ’s, I’d suggest you let me know when a bunch of blood sucking fart wankers want me eliminated. Clear?” Astrid smiled sweetly, but her eyes narrowed dangerously.

  “Clear.” He laughed and planted a kiss on her head. “Are you planning a mass elimination?”

  My eyebrows shot up. It wasn’t really a bad idea…

  “Only if they force my hand. So to avoid a bloodbath, I say we show up at the Summit and prove that I’m sane and able to lead with Ethan,” Astrid said. “Easy peasy.”

  We all went mute.

  I’m fairly sure Ethan gulped. I knew I paled.

  Raquel stared at the floor and I was certain I detected a snicker.

  “I’m going to take your silence as a yessssssss,” Astrid snapped and began to glow.

  “So now we pay Gareth a visit?” Raquel suggested abruptly, changing the subject before there was an explosion.

  “Yep,” I said as I flashed a shiny bejeweled dagger in Astrid’s face to distract her.

  It worked.

  “Whoever is behind this is stirring the pot,” Raquel hissed. “Look at this.”

  She gestured in a jerky movement to her laptop.

  Amazingly, Vampyres used social media—more specifically, Facebook. Hiding in plain sight had become de rigueur. Plastered on a page that any sane human would take as a joke was a headline reading, Where is the Leader of the European Territory? What Are the Royals Hiding From Us?

  “When was that posted?” Ethan asked as he looked over his sister’s shoulder.

  “Today,” I said as I sat down next to Raquel and scrolled for more information.

  “My people know Gareth is temporarily leading in my absence. Who ever is inciting this knows Gareth has been taken,” Raquel guessed with an angry hiss.

  “Or they took him,” Astrid cut in.

  “Do your people know of your curse?” Ethan asked.

  “Former curse,” I reminded him.

  There was no more cryptic information on Facebook. However, what was there was enough to cause problems.

  “No, they don’t know of my curse,” Raquel replied with a grateful glance at me. “Only Jean Paul and our Royal family. Of course it’s all moot since the curse is gone.”

  “That it is, my sister,” Ethan said fondly.

  “Alrightyroo,” Astrid said with bright eyes as she clapped her hands together. “Let’s go free Gareth and the rest of your family and go kick some stanky, old, fucktard, bad breathed, Vampyre ass.”

  “Is that how you intend to prove you’re sane?” I asked with a shake of my head and a grimace.

  “Yep.” She grinned and flipped me the middle finger.

  I grinned right back and reciprocated. Astrid was insanity personified in the best way possible—she was violent, but only when backed into a corner. She had a conscience and she cared. One would be very shortsighted not to see the whole picture of my cousin. Compassion was very powerful—far more powerful than hatred or evil.

  “We ready?” Ethan asked as he strapped on a few knives.

  “Yes,” Raquel answered. “I believe the saying is we were born ready… butt munchers.”

  “Fucking outstanding,” Astrid shouted as Ethan stood beside her looking confused and alarmed.

  I simply grinned and took my girl’s hand.

  “You do realize you’re going to have to sit through a marathon of cheesy Vampyre movies,” she threatened me with a blush of embarrassment still flaming on her cheeks.

  “I do,” I told her. “And I’m looking forward to it.”

  “You’re crazy,” she whispered as I placed a quick kiss on her lips.

  “Crazy for you.”

  Her eye roll and groan made me smile. Even though I was sure we were about to walk into a shit show, my heart felt light.

  Love could do that to a person.

  ***

  “Sweet baby cousin Jesus in a banana hammock, this place is fucking creepy and I’ve been to Hell,” Astrid announced in her outdoor voice as we carefully made our way through the narrow hallways leading back to Gareth.

  “Speaking of Hell, did you contact Satan?” Raquel asked me.

  Ethan groaned as he stopped walking and stared at me with horror. “Please do not tell me you invited Satan to the Summit with the Angels.”

  My bad plan was beginning to look worse by the second. “I did,” I confirmed. “However, I’ve asked him to bring someone who might be able to throw the Old Guard off—especially Vlad.”

  “Would you like to share?” he asked as he ran his hands through his hair in frustration.

  “Do you trust me?” I challenged.

  “With my life,” Ethan said without hesitation.

  “Then let it be a surprise,” I shot back.

  He considered me for a long moment and then curtly nodded his head.

  “God,” Astrid grous
ed as she ducked to miss a dangling skull. “All you Vampyres are so fucking cryptic and secretive. Drives me nuts.”

  “Darling, you’re a Vampyre too,” Ethan reminded her.

  “Yes, but lucky for you I’m also a Demon who can hopefully bust through a nasty ass spell,” Astrid declared as she marched ahead ready to save the day.

  “Damn, she’s hot when she does that,” Ethan muttered as he quickened his pace and followed his mate.

  “Are we that obnoxious?” Raquel asked as we watched Ethan grab Astrid’s rear end.

  Astrid’s squeal was loud and Ethan’s chuckle reverberated through the tunnels.

  I paused and stared at the beautiful woman I planned to spend eternity with and I grinned.

  “I sure as Hell hope so,” I told her.

  She giggled and pulled me along. “I sure as Hell hope so too,” she said.

  There was nowhere else I’d rather be. Even in the dank eerie caves filled with the deceased beneath Paris, I was happy.

  As long as I was with Raquel, I would always be happy.

  Chapter 16

  “Ethan, good to see you,” Gareth boomed as he stood and smiled. “You’re looking well.”

  “You’re not,” Ethan replied as he took his brother’s circumstances in with a wince.

  “Well, yes. I see you are still as astute as ever, jackass. I’ll have you know, my balls have not retreated into my stomach and my dick hasn’t shriveled up, so I consider this a win.”

  Astrid watched the conversation with delight. “You really are a total alpha-hole,” she said with appreciation.

  “Why, thank you,” Gareth replied with a small bow and a smirk. “And you must be the infamous Astrid. You’re a delectable sight for sore eyes.”

  “And she’s very taken,” Ethan growled as he stepped toward the cage. “Your dick better stand down if you want to keep it.”

  “Stop,” Raquel hissed at Ethan. “The cage is warded. Don’t go near him. And Gareth don’t flirt with Astrid if you value your man jewels.”

  “Astrid can handle herself,” Astrid informed us as she examined the enchantment surrounding Gareth’s cell. “Wow, somebody hates your guts. This is one mother humpin’ doozy of a spell.”

  “Can you break it?” I asked as I watched her size up the situation. As flighty as my cousin could be, it would be very unwise to second-guess her power.

  “Shitballs,” she muttered as she gently waved her hands only inches from the ward.

  It jiggled and jumped as sparks of blood red crystals poured fourth and pooled on the ground. Astrid stared with dismay.

  “These shitballs you speak of… are they a good thing, or a bad thing?” Gareth asked with his tongue firmly in his cheek.

  Astrid considered him for a long moment and then grinned. “I think I like you,” she said with a laugh. “And because I like you, and everyone else in this little Hell-hole we’re calling a room—for lack of a better word—I’m not going to break this spell.”

  “That sounds distinctly like you don’t like me,” Gareth shot back.

  Astrid shook her head and stepped back.

  “You really can’t help him?” Raquel asked with disappointment.

  “If you guys want the entire Catacombs and possibly a good portion of Paris to cave in, then I’m your girl. This is a job for someone—and I hate to admit this—but someone with a little more finesse than I possess at present.”

  “You’re talking Satan, aren’t you?” Ethan inquired with a grimace.

  “Yep,” Astrid confirmed slowly. “We’ll owe him though.”

  “Only I will owe him,” I cut in. “I’ve already called him. He can simply add it to my tab.”

  “You’ve clearly got it very bad for my sister or you’re simply insane,” Gareth said. “If anyone will owe the bastard, it will be me.”

  “No,” Raquel insisted. “I can take the brunt of responsibility.”

  “Absolutely not,” Ethan ground out. “You’re far too attractive to owe the unscrupulous son of a bitch a favor. And you’re my sister, damn it.”

  I agreed wholeheartedly with Ethan.

  “Oh for God’s sake,” Raquel snapped. “I’m not a helpless damsel in distress. I’m a Master fucking Vampyre.”

  “Good use of the word fucking,” Astrid said, congratulating her. “Master motherfucking Vampyre would have been stronger though.”

  “Astrid’s correct,” Gareth chimed in. “Although Master motherfucking cocksucking crotch-less panty wearing Vampyre would have been more unsettling… and therefore more powerful.”

  We all took a brief moment to digest that one. I glared at the aging Vampyre who still had nothing but sex on his mind.

  “You really need to get laid,” I told Gareth with a grimace.

  “Is it that obvious?” he inquired sheepishly.

  “Yep, it is. And none of you will owe my dear Uncle Fucker anything. He owes me several favors and I shall call one in. Back up. This could get messy,” Astrid warned.

  We gave her room. An eerie silence fell over the cave as she closed her eyes and raised her hands high. A gentle breeze whipped up from out of nowhere. Raquel moved to me and I wrapped her in my arms.

  Astrid chanted in a long dead language as she sparkled like a beacon. We watched in awe as my cousin swayed to an ancient rhythm that only she could hear. Ethan’s tension was palpable and I understood. My memory burned with watching Raquel summon, then dispatch the wraiths. It was horrific. However, Satan adored his niece. The ramifications of Astrid summoning the Devil were far less dangerous. It wasn’t without risk, but Astrid was one of the few that had Beelzebub by the balls.

  “This had better be good,” a familiar and ominous voice purred from the darkness. “And Astrid darling, if you insist on calling me Uncle Fucker, I’ll renege on letting you hold your wedding in Hell.”

  “Wait. What?” Ethan shouted.

  “Quiet,” Astrid hissed under her breath. “I’ll explain later.”

  That announcement was a total shocker and I held my laughter with difficulty. Raquel gave me a what the Hell? look and I shrugged.

  Who knew what Astrid was cooking up for her nuptials? As a rule Vampyres didn’t marry. Marriage was a breakable bond and mating was not. Astrid, being a very new Vampyre, still held on to human traditions and Ethan happily granted her every whim. Honestly at first I thought it foolish, but promising to love and honor the one you loved in front of family and friends didn’t seem so witless to me anymore…

  “So what have we here?” Satan asked as he examined the ward with distaste.

  He traced small symbols in the air that materialized and shuddered as they tried to pierce the invisible wall. Satan was a huge and imposing man. His very presence changed the atmosphere in the cave from eerie to menacing.

  “Well?” Astrid asked as she stepped up next to her Uncle.

  “Very sloppy,” he said with narrowed eyes and thin lips. “However, it’s laced with something other than Demon magic. This will require three favors from you, Astrid.”

  “But I only have two as you know,” Astrid informed him as she crossed her arms over her chest and glared at the King of the Underworld.

  “Oh my goodness, you’re correct,” he said with wide innocent eyes and an evil little chuckle. “I suppose an early invitation to Christmas next year would wipe the slate clean.”

  “Fuck,” Ethan muttered

  Astrid immediately turned and punched her mate in the arm.

  Satan had almost single handedly taken down Christmas at the Cressida House a few months prior. Of course, he’d had help from Mother Nature and his daughters, the Seven Deadly Sins. The kidnapping of Steve Perry, aka Journey’s front man, would forever go down in history.

  “If, and I mean if, I say yes, you are strictly forbidden to enhance even one decoration,” she bargained.

  “Not even one?” He pouted and stamped his Armani clad foot. “Where’s the fun in that?”

  “Not even one. There wi
ll be no kidnapping of rock stars and you can’t spend the night,” she ground out.

  Satan considered the offer with pursed lips and a look of displeasure.

  “Take it or leave it,” Astrid threatened. “And just so you know, I have a little video you might be interested in… ”