by Cari Quinn
“It’s not me that you need to worry about,” I whispered, feeling a little relief flow over me.
She sipped on her empty glass, slurping through the straw until nothing was left. I assumed the stories of my parents overbearing and controlling nature set off an alert in her head.
“Okay, thanks for coming to support me.” Luke pried himself from Mom’s arms and then shook Dad’s hand.
“Bye.” I waved, glad that I was sandwiched in between Collin and Delaney. Even though another hug from Dad would have been nice and might have calmed my frazzled nerves, I sacrificed just to stay away from my mom.
Collin shook my parents’ hands. “Mr. Thompson, Mrs. Thompson.”
“Call me, Mom, it won’t be long now.” Mom placed her hand on top of Collin’s and smiled from ear to ear.
A whimper escaped my throat and everyone turned and looked at me.
Oh, shit.
“Is everything okay?” Collin asked.
I swallowed hard as the words failed me. I knew what I had to do, but it wasn’t the right time. We needed to be alone.
“Lexi?”
Delaney gave me a slight nudge and I blurted, “No.”
He withdrew his hand and looked at me. “What’s wrong?”
I stared at him for a few seconds, telling myself I had to do it. I had to tell him. I couldn’t put off the conversation one more day. A cold sweat broke from my skin and the palpitations coming from the center of my chest told me I had to be having a heart attack. I looked around, wondering if there was a defibrillator hanging on the wall somewhere because I knew I was going to need it. “We have to talk.”
“Okay.” Collin gave a soft shake of his head.
“Sweetie, it’s kind of late. Why don’t we drop you off at your dorm and you can talk to Collin tomorrow,” Mom spoke up. “Delaney, would you like a ride back?”
“Um…” Delaney leaned against me, pushing me to get out of the booth.
For a moment, I wasn’t sure what she wanted me to do, but I refused to let my mom get in the way of my plans.
“No, Mom, we don’t need a ride back.” I pushed on Collin until he slid out of the booth. “We need to talk now,” I said in a calm and deliberate tone.
“Is something wrong?” Pastor Clifton and Suzanne walked up behind my parents. They looked at me and then at Collin. Did everyone have to get in our business?
“Lexi said she needs to talk to Collin, but since it’s late, we’re taking her to the dorm,” Dad informed them, looking me straight in the eye.
“Okay.” Pastor Clifton turned to his son. “We can drop you off if you like.”
“No!” I grabbed Collin by the hand and pushed past our parents. They wouldn’t stop me from doing what I had to do.
Not tonight.
Not ever.
“Collin, we have to talk now.”
“Lexi, stop.” Collin pulled on my hand and I stumbled back. “Your dad is right. It’s late and we can talk tomorrow.”
“No, this can’t wait.” I shook my head. I knew that if I didn’t tell him, I might not ever have the courage to tell him. I’d live in regret for the rest of my life.
With an incredulous stare, Collin said, “What is wrong with you? You’re acting crazy again.”
I ran my fingers through my hair, gathering clumps of it in my fist. Maybe I was going crazy. Maybe I needed to be committed or see a therapist. All I knew was that the longer I kept myself within this controlling circle, I would truly go insane. “This wedding is driving me crazy. Your parents are driving me crazy and so are mine.” My eyes darted to his parents and then to my family.
Mom covered her mouth as she gasped. Dad’s eyes bulged to the point the whites took over and his light skin turned a blistering red.
“Excuse me?” Pastor Clifton cocked his head to the side and Suzanne blinked rapidly as she drew a hand to her chest.
“I’m sorry, but I can’t do this.” I released my hair and crossed my arms over my body, supporting myself the best way I knew how.
“Do what?” Collin’s brows knitted together.
With a steady, low voice, I replied, “Marry you.” As I released the air in my lungs, the blocks of pressure exploded, vanishing as they crumbled one by one, in a fast, sweeping action.
I had done it.
And it felt so damn good.
My hands shook, but I managed to pull my engagement ring off my finger. Without looking at it, I reached for Collin’s hand and placed it in the center of his palm.
Collin stared at the band for a few seconds and then looked up at me. The muscles in his arms became rigid and his brows narrowed as his forehead creased. What was he thinking? I had to know. I searched his face, waiting to see if he would give me a sign. The center and outer layers of his eyes clouded over and all traces of emotions vanished. Once again, Collin remained unaffected by what I had just told him.
His lips parted and a flash of hope struck me. I kept my eyes steady on his, waiting anxiously for him to speak, but he kept silent. Why did he continue to hold back from me? After all these years, why wouldn’t he let me in? Was it that damn hard to tell me how he felt?
I couldn’t understand why he was so afraid to share his feelings with me. Even though part of me was glad the wedding was off, another part wanted him to take me in his arms and show me the love he’d been repressing all these years. I waited for him to say something, anything. But he said nothing.
Nothing at all.
I pressed my trembling lips together as tears poured down my face. I continued waiting, hoping it was just shock that stole his words. After several long minutes, I was convinced that he had nothing to say. I didn’t know if it was from lack of caring or relief, but my guess was that he didn’t want to get married either. He just didn’t know how to tell me.
“We’re not in love, Collin.” I wiped the tears from my face. “We’re nothing but friends. I can’t marry someone who’s afraid to tell me and, more than that, show me they love me.”
He looked down at his hand one more time before closing it and dropping it to his side. “Is this what you really want?”
I felt my heart split in two along with my body as it internally crumbled to the floor. Delaney was right. It did hurt. It hurt so damn bad because I had hoped that he would tell me I was wrong.
That he couldn’t live without me.
That he needed me.
That he loved me more than anything.
But he didn’t.
His response confirmed what we both knew. We didn’t love each other enough to get married.
“Lexi, don’t do this,” Mom pleaded.
I sighed and with the energy I had left, turned toward my parents. “I’m sick and tired of doing what you want. My entire life I have followed every rule you set, adhered to your expectations, learned to withhold myself and do without the things that I wanted most.” I took in a deep breath. “Well, I’m done. I can’t live like this any longer. I don’t need either of you to watch over me, including Luke or Collin. I’m a grown woman and I will do whatever the hell I please.”
Mom gasped and Dad’s jaw tightened. They looked at the Norris’s and quickly averted their stare back to me. I knew I had embarrassed them, but I couldn’t take one more second, minute, hour, or day under their restraints. I was tired of living to please them. I needed to live for me.
I turned my gaze back to Collin. “So that’s it? You have nothing else to say?”
His shoulders slumped and he grabbed on to the edge of the booth. “What do you want me to say?”
The room spun and my body heaved forward. Four years of giving this guy my life and he had nothing to say. His failure to respond answered every question I had. He didn’t love me enough to marry me. Collin’s decision was clear. He didn’t want me in his life and he sure didn’t want me to be his wife.
Σ
Chapter Fourteen
“Lex, get up. You’re not staying one more day in this bed.” Delaney flippe
d on the light and yanked the sheets off me. The brightness behind my lids made me squeeze my eyes tighter. For the past month, I’d grown accustomed to the dark. That’s where I found comfort.
“Stop,” I moaned. “I’m sick and need to sleep.”
“You’re not sick,” she huffed. “Maybe sick in the head but that’s it. Now, get up…”
Grabbing a pillow, I covered my face and ignored her rambling.
I had lied to everyone, including my parents, telling them I had the flu so I wouldn’t have to go home for Thanksgiving break. My dad’s brother and family were coming into town and they agreed to let me stay at the dorm since it was open during the holidays. Mom didn’t want me passing my sickness to everyone, even though that wouldn’t have happened because I really didn’t have the flu. Lucky for me, I looked like a zombie from The Walking Dead when she showed up with cans of soup and juice, and she believed me.
“Why are you here? Aren’t you supposed to be at the farm?” I mumbled against the fabric.
“I came to check on you. And boy, I’m glad I did.” She shuffled around my room, but I didn’t care to see what she was doing.
“I’m fine, so you can go home.” It was a lie because the break with Collin had left me feeling lifeless and cold. I soon discovered my freedom was a lonely world. Part of me was glad to not be marrying him, but I didn’t know how to mend my heart back together. I was convinced it was beyond repair. I was fine if I never found love.
“No, you’re not!” She pulled the pillow away from my face. “You look like death!” She sniffed the air. “And smell like it, too.”
“Good, maybe I’m dying.” I rolled over and pulled myself in to a fetal position.
“If you’re that miserable, why don’t you go back to Collin?”
“Uh, no, that’s not an option.” I had spent the last month convincing myself that I had done the right thing. I avoided him at all costs, even to the point of taking an incomplete in my Spanish class. My parents were of no help either and I did my best to stay away from them. To my surprise, my dad supported me, but my mother lectured me weekly and refused to let it go. Luckily, my brother told me it was between Collin and me and he wanted no part of it. And, since my sister never bothered to call me, she was one less person I had to worry about.
“Then why are you so upset?”
I reached for a bottle of soda on my nightstand and took a drink. “Ugh, that’s flat.”
She grabbed the nearly empty bottle from me. “How old is this?”
“I don’t know.” I shrugged. “A few days.”
“Gross.”
I turned away from her and fell against my pillow.
“Well, get up and take a shower because we’re going to the game.”
I stifled a laugh. “I don’t feel like taking a shower and I’m sure as hell not going to the game.”
“It’s the last game of the year.” Her voice lilted and I tried hard not to let that yearning deep inside of me get excited.
“Good,” I mumbled.
Seeing Raven would not be smart. After splitting up with Collin, I had called Dr. Phillips and told him I quit. I blamed it on personal issues, which was true. He immediately asked if it had anything to do with Raven, but I told him no, even though it partially did. For one entire week, Raven had sent me text messages, begging to know why I wouldn’t be tutoring him any longer. I ignored every one of his text and refused to see him when he showed up at my dorm.
“You have to go.” Delaney opened my closet door and started rummaging through my clothes.
“No, I don’t.” I threw a pillow at her. “I told you I’m not going anywhere.”
Taking out a pair of my skinny jeans, she said, “That’s a damn shame because Raven sent you tickets for the game.”
“Shut up.” I shot straight up in my bed. “No he didn’t.” The familiar pounding in the center of my chest returned, only this time it stuttered like a car on the brink of breaking down.
“Yes, he did.” She reached into her back pocket and pulled out two tickets.
“Let me see those,” I demanded.
She handed me a shiny index-sized card with a football player on the front. The stub indicated the seats were located on the Championship Level. When I saw the sticker price, I knew she couldn’t have bought them. They had to be from Raven. The rattling in my chest continued as it tried to find the right rhythm.
“And wear this.” She threw my jeans and a shirt at me.
I picked up the oversized, purple, silky shirt, fumbling to catch a better glimpse of it. On the front was the number six stitched in a white reptile-looking print. I flipped it over and ran my hand across the lettering on the back that spelled ‘Davenport’. “Where did you get this?”
She smiled and then flopped on to my bed. “He gave it to me.”
“What? When?”
She rolled over on to her stomach and propped herself up on her elbows. “About fifteen minutes ago.”
“He came here again?” I jumped out of bed and held the jersey up to me. It was a little big and I knew it wasn’t one he had worn, but it definitely had his number and name on the back. It also smelled like him, replacing the funky smell in my room. “What did he say?”
“He said he wanted me to take you to the game.”
“No he didn’t.” I eyed her, trying to determine if she was lying to me or if this was one of her scams. For the past few weeks, she continued to encourage me to get out and live my life. She had invited me to go out with her and Jordan, but I continuously turned her down. And every time she brought up Raven, I stopped her from going any further. This wasn’t the first time she had tried to convince me to go see him.
“I swear.” She held up her hands in surrender. “He said to make sure you wore his jersey so he could find you.”
My blood quickened through my veins, but my fractured heart quickly reminded me that Raven also had an agenda. He wanted to have more fun with me, whatever that meant. I shook my head, refusing to listen to the voice telling me to go. It was too soon to hang out with him. My heart needed more time to heal.
“Whatever.” I tossed the jersey at her and she caught it mid-air.
“Damn, what’s it going to take for you to believe me?”
“Okay. I believe you.” I opened my dresser and took out a clean bra and panties. “Do I need to remind you that you told me not to get involved with him?”
“No I didn’t.” She threw the jersey back at me and I lunged forward to catch it. “I said to be careful. Besides, the poor guy really thinks he did something wrong. You at least need to talk to him.”
“What do you mean he thinks he did something wrong? What exactly did he say?” I asked, wary.
“Umm… well, I kind of told him what happened between you and Collin and that—”
“You did what?” The muscles in my hands tensed and I balled them into fists.
“I’m sorry.” Delaney pressed her hands together, pleading for forgiveness. “I felt sorry for him. He thought what happened at the stadium suite, which wasn’t much, made you mad.” I had confided in Delaney about the heated situation at the football stadium a few days after I called off the marriage. I had confessed to her that I had never told him I was engaged because it never came up. I also hadn’t offered to tell him.
“Oh.” Covering my face with my clean clothes, I moaned. “I can’t believe you told him.” There really wasn’t a reason he needed to know about Collin. I had no plans of starting up something with him. Everything I felt for Raven was just hyped up because of what I wanted and longed for from Collin, at least that’s what I had told myself for the past month. It didn’t help the fact that I was silently dying to see him.
“He would have found out eventually.”
I lowered my hands. “How?”
“Things get around.” She waved her hand in the air.
“Maybe about you, but not about me.”
“Ouch!” Delaney pretended to stab herself in th
e chest with her fist.
“Sorry.” I let the anger go because what was done, was done.
“Anyhow, he invited us to a party tonight.” Holding up her phone, she showed me her Facebook page.
I grabbed the phone from her and stared at the invite. “You’re friends with Raven?” My mouth fell open. “Hell, I’m not even friends with him.” A spiral of jealously hit me. Why was she trying to be friends with him? She needed to worry about Luke, not about Raven.
“I’m friends with a lot of guys. Even those I don’t sleep with, so get over it. And don’t worry; I don’t want to sleep with Raven. I actually prefer your brother.” She smiled and her face glowed.
“If you say so.” I watched for a moment and the glint in her eyes told me she was sincere.
Slowly, she eased the phone from my hands. “Besides, how often are you on Facebook?”
“Umm… I don’t know…”
“Exactly. Never.” Placing my jeans in my arms, she got up from the bed and shuffled me to the bathroom. “Get dressed, the clock is ticking.”
“No.” I shook my head, still fighting the inevitable.
“Oh, come on, you know you want to go.” She turned on the shower and backed out of the bathroom, closing the door behind her.
I placed my clothes on the counter and wiped the steam from the mirror. I didn’t like who I had become. I hadn’t done any of the things I had told my parents and Collin. Why wasn’t I living my life? There was no one to stop me or tell me I couldn’t do any of it. I was free to do what I wanted. Yet, I had done nothing. A smile crept up over my face and I quickly pulled off the clothes I had been wearing for the past week. It was time to start living my life for me.
* * *
“Holy crap, Delaney! These have to be the best seats in the house.” I stared in awe, taking in the field that was only a few feet in front of us on the fifty-yard line. The bright green grass contrasted against the canvas of purple and white that spread from top to bottom in the stadium, drowning the opposing team’s colors of gold and green. Dance music blared over the speakers as the coaches, referees, and other personnel rushed along the sideline, preparing for the game to start.