Heart Doctor

by Melissa Silvey

  Quickly I turn and run to the elevator. As the doors close, he’s about two feet away. The heartbroken expression on his face, the devastation I see in his eyes, is probably nothing compared to the anguished cries of his fiancée in the other room.

  Fuck! How could I let this happen? Why didn’t I just go with Freddie to his place, have sex with him, and go back home? Maybe then I would have avoided this pain that I feel, this agonizing distress that’s engulfing my heart.

  Because I opened myself up to Lex Astor again. And I should have known better, because he only ever brings heartache. How could I be so fucking stupid, again?

  Somehow I make my way back to my car, and drive myself home. The buzz I was on earlier is long gone, but my emotions have taken over and I fight tears all the way home.

  One thing is absolutely obvious, I can never, ever see Lex again. Him, or his mother.

  Chapter Ten

  May 16, 2016

  I buy my coffee without anyone lurking, or waiting to ambush me. That’s a good sign. But as I enter my office, I find Ella and Ryan sitting in the waiting room chatting. And, of course, as soon I enter they both become quiet. I sigh loudly, and shake my head.

  “Shouldn’t you be answering phones or filing patient records, or something?” I ask Ella.

  “The window is open, I can hear the phone if it rings,” she assures me dismissively.

  “How is Freddie Portland?” Ryan enquires, and when I look at them, they both smile. “I swear, if looks could kill I’d be dead in my grave right now. The way the duke stared at me still gives me chills.” He gives an over exaggerated shiver to prove his point. I shake my head, and walk toward my office. “But he couldn’t take his eyes off of Dr. Bell. And the way he was gazing at her, we’ll be calling her Duchess Portland in no time.”

  “No, we won’t!” I call out over my shoulder.

  Both Ella and Ryan chuckle at that. They don’t need to know that I had sex with Lex, and his fiancée caught us in the act. They don’t need to know that I told Freddie via text yesterday that I didn’t want to see him again. He’s growing feelings, and nothing turns me off more than that. He didn’t answer my text. I don’t know if that’s a good thing or a bad thing. I spent the day yesterday cleaning my brownstone from top to bottom, and washing laundry. It was therapeutic, and I needed it. I went to bed early. I should have woken up refreshed, but I’m anxious. Ella and Ryan are not helping any, either.

  I should have got laid last night.

  After Saturday night’s confrontation, my nerves have been on edge. Maybe I should have gone to a bar, and picked up a random guy. Or, I could have called Freddie. I would probably feel…

  I hear a buzz, and then, “Dr. Bell,” Ella says into the intercom on my desk phone.

  “Yes, Ella?” I reply. I’ve barely sat down and opened my email. This can’t be good.

  “Mrs. Astor is here to see you. Her appointment is not until Thursday.” Ella’s voice lowers at the end.

  “I’m sure Mrs. Astor knows her appointment isn’t until Thursday. It’s not a secret, Ella. I’ll be right out,” I reply, with just a little attitude. I’m still feeling snippy.

  As I walk out into the waiting room, Ryan is complimenting Mrs. Astor on the lovely party.

  “And here is the very busy guest of honor, who is so much in demand that she had to leave her own party to take care of a patient,” Mrs. Astor says, as she approaches me.

  Do I dare tell her I didn’t have a fucking emergency? No, I simply smile and nod. “I’m sorry about that, Mrs. Astor, but duty calls I’m afraid.”

  “I just wanted to let you know, the charity made almost five million dollars. Cheers,” she says with a grin. “Oddly enough, when you left Saturday, my son left at around the same time.”

  So, this is why she’s here. She’s fishing for information about me and Lex. I give her a coy smile. “I wouldn’t know. I didn’t see him. Perhaps he left with his fiancée.”

  Her eyes squint up, and she looks as if she’s trying to frown, but perhaps the Botox is preventing it. “Yes, perhaps he did. But the Duke of Portland left as well. It was strange how you all three left at the same time.”

  “That is strange, isn’t it?” I posit with a firm nod.

  “But everything is okay now, isn’t it?” Mrs. Astor asked. I can see something deep in her eyes, something she does not dare say.

  “What do you mean? Between me and Freddie?” I ask, testing her.

  “No, I mean, between…” And she becomes silent, as she brings her lips together in a frown. She looks at me, and then at my companions. “Yes, you and Freddie. Are the two of you dating now?”

  “I wouldn’t say dating, really. We are getting to know each other.” I smile at memories of Freddie and his magic tongue.

  I think I might see panic in her eyes. Why doesn’t she want me to date Freddie Portland?

  “That’s good to know. I’m very happy to see you’ve found someone deserving of you, dear. I hope it lasts.” Her voice cracks on the last word. I remember the day she manipulated me into leaving her son. Her voice was as smooth as silk as she was getting what she wanted, playing my emotions like a fiddle. “I’ll see you Thursday, dear.”

  She walks quickly out the door, as if the building was on fire.

  “Is she trying to hook you up with her son?” Ryan asks, in an odd tone.

  “Good lord, no,” I sputter. Ryan, who is very handsome with brown hair and hazel eyes, cocks one eyebrow at my protest. “Please,” I continue, with a distinct eye roll.

  “Okay,” Ryan says, sarcastically.

  “The last thing on this Earth that woman wants is for me and her son to be together. Trust me,” I state emphatically. “Please don’t joke about it.” When I realize what I’ve said, and who I’ve said it to, and how I’ve said it, I realize that I have said way too much, and I march off toward my office. I don’t look back. They don’t chuckle like they normally do when they’re talking about my sex life.

  Oh, my God. Is she really trying to get me and Lex back together? And if so, what the fuck? What. The. Actual. Fuck?

  A few hours later I hear the intercom buzz again. “Dr. Bell? The Duke of Portland is here…” She pauses midsentence. “Freddie Portland is here to see you,” she says.

  I glance down to find it’s nearly noon. I’ve already completed my morning rounds, seen a patient in the office, and visited with a patient in the ER who thought she was having a heart attack, but was actually having a panic attack. I’ve had a pretty full morning. So I try not to roll my eyes as I leave my office, and place a smile on my face.

  When I see him, he is staring at a copy of a Van Gogh painting hanging on the wall. “It’s beautiful, isn’t it?”

  “My parents own the original,” he informs me, with a verifiably snobby grin. “You could come to England with me, and see it for yourself.”

  I’m speechless. The cynical, sarcastic answers that normally flow so easily from me are currently nowhere to be found. Is it because the thought of Vivienne Astor trying to play matchmaker has been roaming through my mind all morning? Is it the memory of the confrontation from Saturday night? Or, could it possibly be the memory of having sex with Lex again?

  No, what we did wasn’t sex. He possessed me. He owned my body, like he did fifteen years ago and has every moment since. What we did went beyond sex. But then his fiancée came in, and reminded me that although I will always be Lex’s, he is not mine. Not anymore. And maybe I should face the reality of that. Maybe it’s time to move on.

  “Maybe I will.” I shrug as I say it. But Freddie smiles, and takes it as an acceptance of his offer.

  His smile is wide and warm, and his cheeks turn pink. “I would love for you to see my ancestral home. We could hold hands and walk in the garden. We could spend the night in the turret. We could make love in the art gallery.” He walks toward me as he speaks, and when he is right in front of me he plants a soft, gentle kiss on my forehead.

  Why can�
�t I allow myself to fall for Freddie? He’s English, he’s gorgeous, he’s rich, and he’s a duke. He’s everything I should want. Maybe I should…

  “Why are you here, Freddie?” I ask.

  He takes my shoulders to hold me at arms’ length, to stare down into my eyes. “I want to take you to lunch, darling.”

  I shouldn’t, because I don’t do lunch. I don’t do dates. I don’t do falling in love.

  His sapphire eyes are sparkling with happiness and mischief. His cheeks are all aglow. And he smells like hot tea and warm crumpets. All I have to do is say yes, and I could have all of it, his smile, his accent, his love.

  “Okay,” I say with a grin.

  He leans forward, to kiss me.

  At that exact moment, the door to my office swings open, and Lex Astor strides in, bigger than life. He doesn’t look like a man who has been in a fight for a broken relationship. He looks incredibly satisfied with his life. He looks smug, confident, and supremely self-assured. He looks like an Astor.

  He’s dressed in an impressive dark gray three piece suit, with a light green shirt and a dark green and gray tie. He’s clean shaven, his dark hair is perfectly styled, and he smells like cinnamon and sugar. His lips appear just a little fuller since our tryst and his eyes a little brighter. He looks perfect.

  My knees immediately become weak. Images of Saturday night flood my mind. Memories of the kiss that did not end, and the desire that overpowered both of us, fill my head.

  His intelligent green eyes take in the scene immediately. Lex scoffs as he notices Freddie is about to kiss me. He smirks when our eyes meet. “You left this at my place Saturday night,” he says, as he pulls his hand out of his pocket.

  Freddie freezes, as Lex’s hand reaches out toward me, and I see my nude bra in his hand, the straps dangling from it. I sigh loudly, and close my eyes from embarrassment. I just want them both to disappear, but I know it won’t happen.

  “Selena and I called it off, in case you were wondering. We broke up.” His voice is so calm, and collected. How can he possibly be unemotional about it?

  “That’s…” I begin. But I can’t finish. What am I supposed to say to that? That’s good? That’s too bad? That doesn’t fucking have anything to do with me?

  Freddie politely plucks my bra from Lex’s hand, and in the same uber calm voice says, “Thank you for returning Olivia’s property. I’m sorry about your broken engagement. Olivia and I were just going for lunch, so if you’ll excuse us.”

  My eyes pop open, to encounter Lex’s. He seems almost happy when he sees my expression. What am I giving away? “You might be able to act like Saturday night didn’t happen, Freddie. But I think Liv will remember it for a long time. A very, very long time.” Lex winks at me, and gives a cocky little chuckle when he finishes speaking. I know what he’s insinuating, and he’s right. He’s huge and he knows it.

  “That’s rude, and not at all chivalrous. A gentleman would never…” Freddie chides.

  “I’m no gentleman,” Lex counters.

  “Well, that’s obvious.” Freddie sneers at him. “I thought better of you, Astor.” Freddie moves away from me, and takes a step toward Lex, practically challenging him. Freddie is about three inches shorter, and not nearly as muscular as Lex. I’ve seen both of them naked, so I can judge.

  “Bring it, Portland,” Lex counters in a deep, husky tone. As he steps toward Freddie he looks down his nose at him.

  “Excuse me!” I exclaim loudly, and step between the two of them. “This is my office, and there will be no fighting!”

  “Come on, Olivia, let’s go and leave the riffraff behind,” Freddie offers, along with his hand.

  Lex’s eyes move from Freddie’s to mine. I see the same desire and longing I saw there Saturday night. And I want to reach out my hand to him so badly. But along with our lovemaking, the memory of his fiancée’s tantrum is also still fresh in my mind. I can’t go with him.

  “Fine,” I say, and reach out for Freddie’s hand. “Ella, I’m going out for lunch now. Lock up before you leave.”

  I tear my eyes away from Lex’s gaze, and move along behind Freddie as he opens the door.

  “Please don’t do this, Liv,” Lex growls. “Stay with me.”

  I’m reminded of that horrible day fifteen years ago. I couldn’t stay with him then, and I can’t stay with him now.

  “I can’t,” I murmur, as I follow Freddie out the door.

  My purse, my keys, my cell phone, are all in my office, damn it. I can’t go back in now, though, not with Lex still standing there. But I also can’t go to lunch with Freddie. As badly as I’d like to, I can’t use him to run from Lex. That wouldn’t be fair.

  “Hey, Dr. Bell,” I hear Ryan call out from down the hall when I step out the door.

  “Excuse me,” I say to Freddie, without looking at him. I touch my right shoulder as I walk toward Ryan. I hope that he understands what I mean, since I’m not sure I’ve ever used the signal in the office setting, but I might have.

  “There’s a patient I would like you to look at, Dr. Bell,” he says, loud enough for Freddie to hear.

  “Of course,” I reply. I turn to Freddie, and frown as I say, “I’m so sorry. Please go on to lunch without me.” Before he can say anything, I take a left, and I’m at the rear entrance of my office.

  Ryan fumbles with his keys, and finally finds the right one. We both enter my office, and I lean against the door, trying to compose myself.

  How do I always wind up in these situations?

  “Avoiding the duke again, I see.” Ryan’s tone is teasing, but I don’t need that right now.

  “Please,” I exclaim, and hold my hand out. “Not now.” I kick off my shoes, and slouch down into my chair.

  He must see something is wrong. “Okay. I’m sorry. Can I get you anything?”

  I shake my head, and turn my chair to face away from him. I just need time to process what just happened. Lex broke up with his fiancée after she caught us having sex? Or did she break up with him? It doesn’t matter who broke up with whom. The important thing is that Lex is single again. Lex.

  “If you need anything, let me know,” Ryan states. I hear the door close quietly behind him. I’m alone. Do I dare cry?

  Before I can decide, I feel the tear fall down my cheek. I can’t allow myself to dream that Lex could possibly be mine again. I can’t think about that. I can’t, and I won’t.

  Will I?

  Chapter Eleven

  May 19, 2001

  “Why are your things packed separately, Liv?” Lex asks as he’s searching in the boxes for a pair of black socks to wear with his dress slacks. He sat his suit aside for the graduation, as I sat aside the dress I’d picked out two weeks ago, in a resale shop. It’s a designer dress, which would have been very expensive new. When I told the sales lady I’d be wearing it to my graduation, she offered me a discount I couldn’t refuse.

  I bite my lip, and turn away from him. I’ve avoided it this long. I’d hoped to sneak out while he was jogging or something. I only have a few boxes of things that are mine. I could fit them in a taxi. I’d thought about exactly how I was going to get away, without actually telling him I’m not going to New York. I just don’t know how.

  “I don’t know what you’re…” I smooth out the pretty white dress, and realize my hands are wet with sweat. I hope I don’t ruin the silk.

  “Don’t lie, Liv. Don’t you dare fucking lie to me.” He grabs my shoulders, but he doesn’t turn me around to look at him, thank God.

  “Alexand-“

  “Don’t,” he growls. “Don’t call me that.” He gives me a little shake. “You’ve been distant this week. I thought you were just nervous about the move, and getting married. And you’ve been…”

  “Lex,” I interrupt, and try to face him. But he holds me where I am.

  “Planning to leave me?” he continues. “You’re leaving me, aren’t you?”

  “Lex.” I sigh loudly, and try to fight the
tears that are choking me.

  “Harvard came through with a better offer than marrying me?” His tone is harsh. He’s angrier than I’ve ever seen him.

  I try to hold back the sob that’s threatening, and I cough loudly.

  “You couldn’t tell me, though? You were just going to take your diploma and slink away, just like she did.” He’s talking about his ex, I guess.

  Did his mom do the same thing once before? Did his mother come between Lex and his last girlfriend? I know he said they had a bad break up. I imagined a knock down drag out, not this. Not the same thing I’m planning. Jesus, what has his mother done to him?

  “How could I have thought you’d be different? How could I think I could trust you? You acted so innocent, but you’re just like all the rest. Find out you have to wait for the payout, and start looking for…”

  “Lex!” I croak. That is not what happened. I didn’t care about his money, except to realize I don’t fit in with it. I’m wearing a second-hand dress, and he’s a fucking Astor! Why can’t he see that?

  He finally turns me around, and I immediately look down, avoiding his eyes.

  “Tell me I’m wrong, Liv. Tell me you love me, and you still plan to marry me.” His voice, his words, are a desperate plea. He’s breaking my heart. Why can’t he see what I know is true? I’m not good enough for him. His mother sees it. His father knows it. Why is he so blind to the facts?

  He reaches for my chin, and tips my head back. I close my eyes. I can’t look at him. I can’t look into his eyes, and leave him. I want him so damn much. But I know, in my heart, it won’t last.

  “You can’t say it. You don’t love me. You probably never did. You just used me for my money, just like she did.” He jerks his hand away, as if it hurts him to touch me. “Go and get your precious diploma and deliver your speech. I’ll be gone when you get back.”

  I turn quickly, grab my purse, and stumble toward the door. He doesn’t follow me. I turn back to face him when I arrive at the door. He’s staring at me, as if he wants to beg me to stay, but he also looks like he wants to open the door and kick me out.