Love Byte

by David Atkinson

  I was desperate to know what had happened with Colin Sparks, but at that point I was still unsure of my ground, or even if I had any ground so I simply answered her question. ‘I phoned his agent and said I had a job for his boy. Colin Sparks spends most of his days playing video games so isn’t that busy.’

  ‘That’s sad.’

  ‘What, that he spends most of his days playing video games?’

  ‘Well yes, but also that his life has been wasted.’

  ‘He’s not dead yet.’

  ‘His eyes are.’

  ‘Sorry?’

  Molly smiled sadly. ‘His eyes are dead, there’s nothing there, it was the first thing I noticed when I saw him yesterday.’

  ‘You still went out with him.’ I couldn’t help the jealousy that welled to the surface of my voice.

  Molly nodded. ‘Yeah, he was less than honest with me.’

  ‘How come?’

  Molly laughed. ‘He didn’t tell me it was you who had organized the kitten delivery.’

  ‘Who did he say it was?’

  ‘He didn’t.’

  ‘Eh?’

  Molly sighed. ‘I just assumed it was Jamie being manipulative again, and he didn’t contradict me when I said it was my ex-boyfriend trying to get me back.’

  Relief washed over me, so Molly had thought Jamie was trying to worm his way back in with her – that made some kind of twisted sense. But I was puzzled.

  ‘How did you find out it was me?’

  Molly turned her head and fixed her lovely eyes on me. ‘Carol Davis phoned me to make sure I was happy with Trooper and explained exactly what had happened. I don’t think she’s a great Colin Sparks fan.’

  ‘Was that before or after you went to dinner with him?’

  ‘During actually. It was good timing because I was trying to think of a way of escaping without hurting his feelings.’

  I snorted. ‘His feelings?’

  ‘Yeah, I think underneath all that bluster he puts on he’s pretty insecure, and all he can talk about is the past which is a shame, and probably why he’s alone.’

  That echoed my view from yesterday. I said, ‘I think he’s stuck in the late nineties but maybe that’s what happens when you have it all when you’re young, it all gets burned out and there’s nothing left.’ My philosophical take on the little Scottish songwriter made Molly pause. I continued, thinking about a documentary on BBC Four I’d recently watched. ‘A lot of great singer-songwriters write all their best stuff when they’re young and full of angst, energy and hunger. As they get older they’re less pissed at the world, don’t fall in and out of love so easily and ultimately lose their edge.’

  Molly smiled. ‘Maybe you’re right. It was nice to spend a few hours with someone I used to admire from afar, but I realized that sometimes the dream is better than reality, and of course I’m not fourteen anymore.’ She paused and took some time to think before speaking again. ‘Anyway, I appreciate the huge risk you took sending him to see me. After I confronted him with the truth he told me that he’d warned you about what might happen but that you carried on anyway – very selfless. I had been thinking about what to do, whether to speak to you again or not and then you go to all that trouble, and I felt like I had to come and see you, even if it was just to say thanks.’

  I made a mental note to email Men Like Women and Women Like Shoes so they could add my romantic gesture to their list. I realized that it hadn’t actually worked yet – so far it had only got Molly in my apartment again to say thanks – but maybe that would be enough.

  I looked into Molly’s eyes and suddenly needed to get away from her as I had an overwhelming urge to hug her and I wasn’t sure she was ready for that.

  ‘Do you want a coffee?’ I asked, standing up and walking over to the kitchen.

  ‘Yes please, just milk no sugar.’

  Something suddenly occurred to me. ‘Are you not supposed to be at work?’

  Molly blushed. ‘Yeah, but I phoned in sick.’

  I already knew the answer to my next question, but had to ask. ‘Why?’

  ‘So I could come and say thanks to you.’

  ‘Is that all you want to say?’

  Molly sighed and patted the couch beside her. ‘Finish making the coffee and then sit back down here and let’s see what else we can find to talk about.’

  So we sat. We talked, drank coffee and ate chocolate digestive biscuits. Conversation with Molly was relaxed and easy, and the thought of not seeing her again made my heart ache.

  After a while our conversation dried up and Molly turned her body all the way round to me. ‘Andy, I don’t know how I feel about you right now. Part of me wants to be with you, and part of me wants to run away and hide in a dark place and never come out. At this point I don’t know which part will win. When I saw you with that girl it was betrayal all over again. I was thinking “It’s you Molly, it’s your fault, you are made for people to treat you bad and break your heart. It’s just what happens to stupid Molly Jenkins.” I thought maybe I’d just be better living alone and never putting myself out there again, it was just too painful.’

  She paused and tears welled up in her eyes. Again, I wanted to reach out and hold her, but instinctively I knew that was not a good idea. She needed to talk.

  ‘Then later when I heard your daughter was really sick, part of me wanted to see you to make sure you were OK. Part of me knew – somehow – that you were a nice person and that you somehow had got into a situation you couldn’t control. But that part of me also tried to excuse Jamie for all the hurt he had caused me over the years, so I only listen to it cautiously now. That’s why I came to see you in the hospital that night, but it’s also why I’ve not spoken to you until now. I needed to be sure.’

  ‘Be sure of what?’

  Molly sighed and dried her eyes with her sleeve. ‘Firstly I needed to know that the Irish bitch was gone, and Jamie confirmed that to me this morning.’

  ‘He’s been a busy man.’

  Molly smiled. ‘He phoned you as well?’

  I nodded. ‘Yep.’

  ‘Figures. He did sound like he was gloating. But that was part of it, I couldn’t compete with her. I didn’t want to.’

  ‘Molly, it was never about competing. . . .’

  Molly put her fingers to my lips. ‘Sh! Let me finish OK?’

  I shut up.

  ‘Then more importantly I needed to be sure about me – what I wanted and what I needed from everything. Then having made my decision I needed to think about you. What do you want? What do you need? Could I cope with that?’

  Molly paused and tears formed in her eyes again. I wanted to reach out and touch her but still I resisted.

  ‘You see, Andy, you come as a package. There’s you and there’s Amy. I have to think “could I cope with that? Could I become a mother to someone else’s child?” Amy needs a mother.’

  ‘She’s got me, Molly.’

  Molly smiled. ‘From what you tell me you do a great job, Andy, but some stuff you’re just not very good at.’ That sounded like Lindsay speaking, I wasn’t sure if that was a good thing.

  ‘Like what?’

  ‘Answering her questions for a start.’

  ‘I always answer her questions.’

  ‘Yes, but from what you’ve told me the answer usually has something to do with poo or pee pees.’

  I laughed nervously. ‘OK, but Amy understands that kind of answer.’

  ‘Yes, but you can’t do that forever, she needs to have someone to confide in, a female who understands the way her brain is wired. You could never do that. I’ve no doubt that on your own you would do a great job of bringing her up, but there would always be something missing.’ Molly sighed and sank back into the couch. ‘But this isn’t all about you and your daughter. It’s about how I fit into that w
orld, or even if I could. Also I don’t know if Amy will like me.’

  ‘She’d love you! Besides, at the moment she doesn’t know the difference between a mother and a didgeridoo....’

  ‘I’m sure she does.’

  ‘Well yes probably, but my point is that she has no memory of Lindsay – I’ll tell her all about her of course and explain what happened, but to her it will always be a second-hand memory. She’ll only know who fits into her life in the here and now.’

  ‘Yeah, Andy, I’ve thought about all that stuff and more than I can really explain right now, and tried to weigh everything up in my head.’

  ‘What was your conclusion?’

  Molly gazed into my eyes, searching my soul. ‘I want to be with you, Andy – I feel it like a physical need – but I don’t know if I can trust you. I know you’ve been through a lot in the last year, maybe too much to recover from. Then yesterday you go to all that trouble to get me something that is unconditional, something that would make me happy even if I never saw you again – and by that I mean the kitten, not Colin Sparks,’ she said, laughing. ‘But it made me decide to at least come and speak to you. I still don’t know if you and I would work long term, or even short term.’

  I didn’t know either but felt this was a crucial moment, one of those crossroad moments in life. Most of the time you don’t realize you are at a crossroad moment until much later, and by then it’s usually too late to do anything about it. This was one of the rare occasions when I knew I was standing at the signpost. I knew which way I wanted to go.

  I took hold of Molly’s hands, they were trembling slightly. ‘Molly, I want to be with you, I want you in my life. I’ve been miserable the last few days thinking I’d lost you, especially last night when it seemed like I’d set you up with someone else. It’s been an incredibly hard few months and last week when I nearly lost Amy too, well it just became overwhelming.’ I could feel tears pricking at the corners of my eyes again but this time I didn’t fight them. ‘I hate being alone and dealing with stuff. I need to be part of something, something special I can grow with. I want you, Molly, you’re kind and gentle and so strong, I know coming here today took huge courage and I really respect you for that. I know it must have been tough.’ I leaned over and kissed Molly on the mouth, I could taste the salt from her tears. ‘I don’t think I can ever let you leave this apartment again.’

  ‘I think I’ll have to,’ she sobbed.

  ‘Why?’

  ‘I’m parked on a meter and I don’t want a sixty quid fine.’

  So Molly left the building, but returned five minutes later and we drank more coffee and made plans – real solid plans. It was early days but I had a good feeling about it.

  Later that day, Pauline brought Amy home and joined us for dinner. (We had to phone for a Chinese takeaway because as usual there was no food in the flat.)

  After Pauline and Molly had consumed half a bottle of wine – I couldn’t face any – Pauline turned to Molly and asked, ‘So are you and my son-in-law going to give it a go then?’

  Molly blushed, but was brave enough to answer Pauline’s direct question.

  ‘Yeah, we’ll give it a go. I know I can’t take the place of your daughter and wouldn’t even try.’

  Pauline sipped her wine and nodded. ‘That’s a good start, but you’re going to need some help. You and I should get our heads together and figure out a plan to sort out Andy and Amy.’

  ‘Do I not get a say in any of this?’ I asked incredulously.

  They both turned, looked at me and burst out laughing. I didn’t get the joke. I still don’t.

  EPILOGUE

  It was 8.15 on a Sunday morning and I was sitting on a large boulder at the top of Arthur’s Seat with the whole of Edinburgh set out below me. Although the view was slightly murky, due to the low cloud that threatened snow at any moment, it was still spectacular and the hike to the top had been worth it. I had lived in the city my whole life and yet had never been to the top of the extinct volcano which dominated the city’s skyline. The best I had managed was about halfway up on that fateful bonfire night with Lindsay. That seemed like a lifetime ago now. I breathed in the earthy scent of grass and turf and enjoyed the rest.

  It was 29 February and although the air was cold I was warm. This could be partly explained by the recent exertion required to climb the steep slope, but I think the main reason was that beautiful Molly Jenkins, whose crazy idea it was to come up here at this ungodly hour on a Sunday, was cuddled into my side. Her delicate perfume mixed with and accentuated the earthy scents.

  Her cheeks were red with the climb and the smile on her face lit up the gloom.

  ‘What are you so happy about?’ I laughed. Her happiness was infectious.

  ‘Aren’t you going to ask me why we’re up here on this mountain?’

  ‘I don’t think Arthur’s Seat qualifies for a mountain, I think you need to be a thousand feet up for that.’

  ‘Eh?’

  ‘I think mountains need to be a thousand feet high.’

  ‘Andy, you need to spend less time on Google and more time in the real world’, she laughed.

  ‘Actually, I didn’t get that from Google. It was that film with Hugh Grant where—’

  Molly put her fingers on my lips. ‘Shhh. I’m trying to tell you something.’

  I shut up.

  ‘Right, where was I? Andy you know I love you, don’t you?’

  ‘Of course, sweetie, and I love you too.’

  ‘I know we’ve only been together a short time, but it feels like I’ve loved you forever. Maybe I have. Maybe I loved you even when you were married to Lindsay, but I just didn’t know, or more likely I didn’t let myself know.’

  I hadn’t realized any of this. All I knew was that Molly was the one, well, the second one. Lindsay would always have a place in my heart, but I now figured it was OK to let someone else in. Well, if I was honest, Molly had moved into my heart some time ago, spring cleaned it, rearranged the furniture and redecorated the place – to take the analogy to a silly level, which is what I was good at.

  ‘Andy? You’ve drifted off into your own little universe again and I’m trying to talk to you.’

  ‘Sorry, Mol, I was just thinking about how happy you’ve made me.’

  ‘Well, hopefully I’m about to make you happier.’ Molly moved away and turned to face me. She crouched down on one knee and looked into my eyes. I returned the gaze, getting lost in her gorgeous dark eyes.

  ‘Andy Hunter, will you marry me?’

  ‘Eh?’

  ‘You heard me.’

  I was conscious that my mouth was opening and closing like a demented goldfish again.

  ‘Am I not supposed to ask you?’

  ‘Andy, it’s the twenty-first century and women can do things now you know. We’ve had equal rights and the ability to vote for some time. Also, it’s the twenty-ninth of February so traditionally I’m allowed to do it. Are you going to answer me or not? My knee is getting wet.’

  I wondered what Men Like Women and Women Like Shoes would have to say about all of this? I’d need to look it up later.

  I laughed. ‘OK, Mol. I don’t want you to catch a chill, so of course I’ll marry you.’ I knelt down beside her and took her hands in mine. I put my forehead against hers and our lips met. We kissed. It was a nuzzling kind of kiss. In between kisses I said, ‘I can’t imagine ever being without you. I want to always go to sleep beside you at night, and the first thing I want to see in the morning is your beautiful face.’

  Molly broke away and jumped up. ‘Fab, well we’ll need to get organized but that can wait.’

  I reached for her, but she skipped out of range. ‘OK Andy, that’s what I wanted to ask you. Now I’ve got something to tell you.’

  I sat back down on the boulder.

  ‘First of all, n
ow that I’m going to be your wife I have to tell you that considering what you’ve put me through during the last few months, you are so very lucky to have me here. But, I suppose nothing worth having comes easy.’

  Molly moved back and sat down beside me. She smiled and turned her face up to me and I kissed her on the lips. She then leaned into my chest. She took a deep breath and said, ‘The main worry I’ve got about the wedding is getting a dress to fit me properly.’

  Molly was a size ten. ‘How come?’

  ‘Well I’m probably going to put on a lot of weight over the next few months, Andy, because you’re going to be a daddy again.’

  I jumped up and Molly fell over, landing on her bottom on the cold ground. ‘Hey, that’s no way to treat a pregnant woman.’

  I rushed over and picked her up. ‘Sorry, Mol! When? How?’

  Molly laughed. ‘Well the “how” you should have worked out by now, the “when” . . . well sometime in December, I reckon. I’m not showing yet, but it’s only a matter of time.’

  I laughed. ‘God, that’s brilliant. I wonder if it’ll be a boy or a girl.’

  ‘Probably,’ joked Molly.

  I laughed again, I was feeling dizzy. ‘It would be nice for Amy to have a little sister.’

  ‘Well it’s down to you really,’ Molly stated.

  ‘How come?’

  ‘It’s the male that determines the sex of the baby.’

  ‘How’d you know that?’

  ‘I Googled it.’

  We both burst out laughing and laughed until the tears rolled down our faces.

  As our laughter subsided it began to snow. A few flakes fell gently at first then more and more appeared in flurries blown about by the easterly wind. We gathered our thick winter coats around us and began our descent, taking care not to slip on the increasingly snowy path. I didn’t want my perfect Sunday morning to end with a visit to A&E.

  Initially we tried to walk together holding hands, but the path was too narrow and steep so we walked down single file, with Molly in front. Halfway down my mobile pinged.