by Taylor Bell
“And I really appreciate that you guys did that, and I totally get why, but honestly I don’t know what to do.”
“Obviously you don’t know what to do. You just got to college, there are forty million decisions to be made. It can be overwhelming. I’m overwhelmed by how overwhelming it must be for you.”
“Exactly. You get it.”
“I do,” Meg said, putting out the cigarette.
“I cannot believe I’m saying this, but I’m so glad I met you guys. Like, literally, I don’t know what I’d do for friends if I hadn’t come to that first party. Like, I want you guys to be my friends, you know.” I could hear myself speaking but I had no control over what I was saying. And I felt fantastic.
“Duh, I know. And let me tell you what will happen if you don’t rush: You’ll eventually meet a fat friend, a half-Jewish/half-Asian friend, and you’ll end up dating a guy named Topher who is too short for you.”
“No, you’re probably right.”
“I know. You look hot tonight.”
“So do you.”
“We should probably go inside.”
“I’m down.”
We stood up, dusted off any couch crumbs that may have stuck to our dresses, tousled our hair, and stomped our way back into the party. We may have been fucked up, but I felt spectacular and told myself to try to remember this moment because it was one of the best nights at college yet. Possibly one of the best nights of my life. Period.
7.
COLLEGE GIRLS ARE CONSTANTLY COMPLAINING ABOUT . . . EVERYTHING
“Honestly, I’m kinda shocked you’re pledging BZ. I mean, it’s great, but I’m still shocked, considering the look of disappointment on your face when I first told you I was in a fraternity.”
Jack and I were on our date. The one he’d convinced me to go on. He’d picked me up in his car and took to me to Kawa Sushi, which, according to Meg, was the nicest place for a date in town.
“Believe me.” I smiled. “No one expected this less than me. But I like the girls and they’re nice to me. They made all of the bullshit rushing stuff so easy. I figured I would just give it a try and see what happens. This is actually pretty ugly, the more I look at it,” I said, inspecting my new pledge pin.
“They’re all ugly.” Jack took a bite of his spicy tuna roll.
“I refuse to wear anything they gave me in that horrendous care package though.”
“Not even those BZ boxer shorts? I think you’d look fine as hell in those.”
“Pink is not my color.”
“Well, I’m glad you pledged. Before you decided to join Beta Zeta, I was worried about our prospects as an item.”
Did he just refer to us as an “item”?
“It rarely works,” he continued, “when a frat guy and a non-sorority chick get together. Not to put, like, pressure on this or us or whatever, but at least now we can be on the same page about expectations and stuff. The BZ sisters will be a priority in your life, just like my brothers and my house are to me. That’s an almost impossible concept to grasp if you’re on the outside.”
“I can see that.”
“Fucking spicy mayo. This shit is awesome.”
“This place is really nice. Thanks for bringing me here.”
“I love sushi. I’m glad you do too.”
“I used to get it, like, once a week with my dad during high school.”
“Well, next time he’s up visiting maybe we can all go together? I’d love to meet him.”
I offered up a big smile. Was this guy for real or was this just his game? Maybe I needed to give Jack the benefit of the doubt. The last guy I dated in high school, Mike Feldman, thought sushi was gross and farted every time we went out to eat anywhere. Mike now works at a Brookstone and goes to community college. Not to be judgmental, but I was in a whole new league here with Jack. Maybe Jonah was right and I had gotten hotter over the summer. I definitely felt like my boobs were bigger, but the fact that I was attracting a guy like Jack gave me a sense of confidence that I’d never felt before. My sister Kelly got really sexy all of a sudden during sophomore year of college, so perhaps that was my path and this was my time. If so, I wasn’t complaining.
“So how was it going to the Beta Zeta house? Was the pledge ceremony cool?”
“To be honest, it was a bit weird.”
“What do you mean?”
“Well, it was my first time meeting the other pledges and they were kinda confused by who I was, and how I knew all the other sisters so well already.”
“Oh yeah, I didn’t think about it like that.”
“Yeah, so I had to deal with that awkwardness. It was nice of them to streamline the process for me, but I definitely would’ve benefited from having to go through a few of the steps I got to skip. All the other girls who got bids at BZ had already bonded because they were at all the rush events and everything.”
“So, were they mean?”
“No. Nothing like that. I mean, I got some looks that were less than friendly, but they had to be on their best behavior because we were all getting our pledge pins.”
“Girls are so catty sometimes. I’ve heard some horror stories. Especially from Beta Pi, those girls are nuts.”
“It’s whatever. I’m not gonna psych myself out, and overall I’ve felt really welcomed by the older sisters. I know they want me because I’m a legacy, but still. They seem like cool girls.”
“That’s cool. So, you’re the fifth person in your family to be a BZ?”
“Yup.”
“That’s insane. We’ve only had a ‘three gen’ once in our whole fraternity history. At least at this chapter.”
“I didn’t realize what a big deal it was.”
“It’s a huge deal. I knew your sister when she went here, but I never knew she was a legacy.”
“You knew Kelly?”
“Everybody knew her.”
“Really?” I took a long sip of water. “That is so strange for me to think about. It’s weird how you are such a different person at college than you are at home.”
“That’s the whole thing, isn’t it? You get here and you’re handed this amazing, once-in-a-lifetime opportunity to completely reinvent yourself. You can be whoever you want to be at school.”
Jack was so right. That thought had been bouncing around in my head since I got here, but I hadn’t been able to articulate it. Never in a million years would I have described my sister Kelly as a leader. Growing up she was always annoyed with everyone and everything, constantly complaining, and the last to offer a helping hand. But from the sense I’d gotten from the other BZ girls, she was totally respected here for being a decision maker and a boss. They all looked up to her. I felt proud to be her sister for maybe the first time ever.
“I think you’re a good guy, Jack. I just wanted you to know.”
“Good. I’m glad. You’re not so bad yourself,” Jack replied with the cutest fucking grin. He had the type of face you want to just lie in bed and look at all day. It was gross, in the best way ever.
“You’re so easy to talk to. And it’s never that easy to talk to people that I really like,” I flirted back.
“So you’re saying that you really like me?”
“Sure.”
“Is this your way of flirting with me, Taylor?”
“I guess.”
“I like your style. You want anything else? Dessert, maybe?”
“I’m good.”
My eyes shifted down to his hands. They were good hands. I think I may have been staring.
“You’re not saying much all of a sudden,” Jack broke the silence.
“So, my roommate went home for the weekend . . .”
“Wow.”
“What? Was that weird? Am I being too forward? You said that college is all about being who you want to be, and this is who I want to be right now.”
“That’s great. You’re totally right. The ‘wow’ wasn’t a bad ‘wow.’ It was definitely a good one.”
<
br /> Sitting next to Jack in his completely adorable vintage Land Rover, I was nervous and excited and anxious and ecstatic all at once. I hadn’t felt this way in a long time, maybe ever, actually. When Jack parked the car, we just sat there in silence for a solid thirty seconds. We both knew what was about to happen—the connection felt almost chemical—and it was nice to pause and just enjoy the moment.
Jack turned to me.
“I can’t stop smiling,” I said.
He leaned in and kissed me so perfectly that I melted inside. The perfect combination of firmness and tenderness. I kissed him back, and luckily our styles meshed. It’s the worst when you don’t mesh well with someone’s kissing style, but this wasn’t one of those times, thank God. Jack slid one of his big hands behind my head and another one around my waist and it felt like he was holding every part of me. I didn’t want to be sitting in a parked car anymore.
“Let’s go up,” I said.
“You sure?”
“Sure . . . I mean . . . definitely.”
As we got out of the car, I felt my phone vibrating in my pocket. It was definitely a text. Then I felt it again. Then again. I looked and saw that they were all from Meg, but I chose not to read them. I was positive she was summoning me and the twenty other pledges to the Beta Zeta house or one of the satellite houses for some last-minute meeting or bonding exercise, but I wasn’t going to be taken out of this moment. We had been warned that we needed to be on call 24/7, but it had barely been a day since we’d gotten our bids and I’d already been to the BZ house once today for a “History of Beta Zeta” lecture that lasted almost two hours. I was not about to abandon Jack when we were steps away from my bed.
“I lived at Lincoln my freshman year. A lot of good memories in this building,” Jack said as we walked into my empty room.
“It could be worse. The decor is a little depressing, but the location is convenient.” I put my phone on silent and threw it in my desk drawer.
“It’s a real turn-on that you’re a ‘glass-half-full’ kind of girl. Most college girls are constantly complaining about everything.”
He moved in quickly and starting kissing me again, but this time with much more intensity. As we made out I slowly inched toward my bed. Jack wrapped his arms around me with his hands on my ass and lightly lifted me up, and placed me gently on the bed.
The next couple minutes were kind of perfect. We were totally in a rhythm with one another. I felt like he and I had been doing this for years, like we learned to kiss at the same kissing school. Gone was the self-conscious bullshit that usually accompanies a first hookup. I was just there, in the room, completely focused on him. My mind didn’t drift once to think about whether I was wearing the right bra, or if he thought my thighs were too jiggly or if he liked me liked me. In fact, this was probably the first time I’d ever been with a guy and felt this level of comfort. It was really . . . interesting.
“I’ve been thinking about kissing you like this since the moment I saw you,” Jack said, as he pulled away for a second. He was looking right into my eyes.
“I’m happy to help make your dreams a reality.”
“You’re so fucking sexy to me.”
“So are you.”
Jack got up on his knees and pulled off his shirt.
“Can I take yours off? Is that okay?”
“Yes.”
Jack then leaned in and started kissing my neck and collarbone as he unbuttoned my shirt. He kissed his way down to my chest and then removed my bra with no trouble. His hair smelled so fucking good I wanted to scream. Guys are always in a fucking rush, but he was definitely not. He was taking his time and I loved it. I could feel my heart pounding through my chest. Jack must have felt it too. His head was right there. I wanted him to hear it. My whole body was gearing up for whatever he had in store.
That’s when the phone rang. The landline. I didn’t recognize it at first because I don’t think I’d heard it ring once during my entire time at CDU. It was so jarring and loud and could not have come at a more awkward time. Who was calling me at 10:30 on a Saturday night? I hadn’t given that number to anyone. Even my family called me on my cell phone.
The ringing didn’t seem to have broken Jack’s focus, because he continued to caress and kiss my body. I was relieved when the phone stopped because I wanted to enjoy every moment of this.
“These need to come off right now,” Jack whispered as he started taking down my jeans.
“K.”
Thank God I got a wax before I came to school.
What happened next can only be described in one word: nirvana. After kissing his way down my stomach, over my hips, and onto my thighs, Jack went there. When I say that he went down on me, I really mean that Jack took my whole notion of pleasure, smashed it with a steel-toed boot, and proceeded to redefine the boundaries of ecstasy. Perhaps it sounds like I’m being overly dramatic, but I’m not. I never knew what sex could really feel like, let alone oral. It was insane. Every other sexual encounter I’d had up until that moment was amateur.
When it was over I didn’t know whether to laugh or cry. I was in outer space. I looked down between my legs at Jack’s face and I realized that he was saying something to me. My head was floating.
“Do you need to answer that?” Jack asked.
I guess the phone had been ringing the whole time, but I was so zoned out that I hadn’t heard it. Once I collected myself, pulled my underwear on, and unplugged the phone, I laid down on the bed and curled up into Jack’s shoulder.
“That was really nice.”
“Happy you feel that way. Some girls just want to rush into sex, you know?”
“What would you call what we just did?”
“I mean dick-in-vagina sex,” he laughed. “Didn’t feel like we needed to rush into that tonight.”
“Okay . . . why?”
“Because I didn’t want you to think that I was just one of those guys.”
“One of what kind of guys?”
“A hitter and a quitter.”
“But are you?”
“Very funny. I don’t know. Just wanted to wait. Is that weird?”
“I like that you wanted to wait. No complaints from me.”
“Well, tonight was all about making you feel good.”
“What about you feeling good?”
“Next time. I actually need to get back to the house in a bit. Duty calls. Also I would check your messages. Someone just called you like eight times in a row.”
Jack put his shirt on and kissed me goodbye. I grabbed my cell phone and turned it on. Fifteen texts, three voice mails, all from Colette and Meg.
By the time I got to the front door of the Beta Zeta house I was completely out of breath because, of course, my dorm was on the total opposite side of campus. I’d never run so fast in my entire life, and I hate running. I was sweating through my clothes, and scared. Colette’s tone on my voice mail made it sound like something terrible had happened. She just kept repeating that I needed to get to the “fucking house” immediately, but she wasn’t yelling. She was really calm. I was terrified.
I took a deep breath and slowly opened the door. I fully expected the entire house, including all the pledges, to be standing there waiting for Colette to publicly shame me. But the house was empty. Like weirdly empty. Maybe something terrible had happened. Was there some kind of emergency or accident? Were they all at the hospital? I was very confused, yet also relieved that there was no confrontation.
It was strange to be in the house alone, like I was seeing it for the first time. During rush I was barely there, and the times I was there, it was always a shitshow with, like, a thousand people there and a million things going on. So I’d never really looked at the house that closely. I’d been inside the BZ house once when my sister was a junior at CDU and living there, probably when I was a freshman in high school. I was too young to care back then.
Beautiful old furniture and a ridiculous fireplace of carved stone. They
must have hired an interior designer or something, because the attention to detail was insane. Like, all the throw pillows on the couch matched the fabric on the huge draperies that hung at the sides of the large glass doors leading to the backyard. Two gigantic paintings of abstract daisies hung on the wall, framing the fireplace. They were tasteful, understated, and had been positioned in a way that allowed for the composites that were also hanging to not be so in your face.
I walked through the empty, dimly lit common room, running my fingers along the top of the soft couch. When I got to the kitchen I saw Colette sitting alone at the island with her back toward me. I froze.
“You’re late,” she said quietly without even turning around.
“I know. I’m sorry.”
“You know, Taylor, this isn’t a joke. You need to take what we do here more seriously.”
“I do. I promise. I just . . .”
“You just what?” she said as she slowly turned toward me.
“I was out with Jack and we were . . . indisposed when you guys were calling me.”
“Well, good for you. But your phone needs to be on every hour of every day until you are initiated. Nothing is a sure thing until we say so. Do you understand?”
“Yep.”
“This time is about bonding and trust and reliability.”
“I get it. My bad. This will never happen again.”
“It better not. Because there is only so much leeway I can give you without other people feeling less than special.”
“I don’t need special treatment. I just want to be treated like everyone else.”
“I’m pretty sure that’s not possible and you know it. They’ve all gone to the bar already. I suggest you get over there ASAP and start mingling with the other girls. Before you go, however, you need to fill out this pledge information sheet that the other girls just did.” She pulled a stapled packet of papers from a stack that sat on the counter in front of her, slid it to her left.
“Thanks,” I said, sitting down on the stool next to Colette’s. “Do you have a pen?”
She retrieved one from her bag and put it on top of the packet.