All That Is Solid Melts Into Air

by Christopher Koehler

  I SPENT the flight home Monday brooding. I’d had a great weekend filled with amazing rowing and good times. I wished I could’ve spent more time with the Lodestones and the rest of the people from Cap City, rather than my teammates from CalPac, but as head-in-the-clouds as I was, even I knew how impolitic that would’ve been. You have to dance with the one who brung you and all that. I could always visit the Cap City contingent back in Sacramento, after all, maybe even jump in on some practices. All I had to do was ask.

  That said, I couldn’t have been great company. I pled fatigue, and since I was the only one who had rowed in two events, no one could gainsay me. In reality, I was sulking, and it was a relief to be dropped off at the airport by Lodestone. I could quit pretending to put on a happy face after what was a great debut at the Head of the Charles, because my plans with Michael had gone up in smoke before the regatta started. My pie-in-the-sky school, the school my parents promised I could transfer to, the school for which they have given me a notarized note containing said promise, was clearly not for me. BU offered a lot, but not to me, and that’s where my troubles started. If I were only looking to transfer, it would be no great loss, but Michael and I had hung a great deal on the two of us attending school together in New England.

  I had a lot to talk to Alicia about at my next appointment.

  Chapter 07

  I HIT the tarmac running when I returned from Boston. Sure, Coach Ridgewood had given me and the rest of the crew notes to show our professors so they didn’t think we had cut their classes, but that note didn’t make the homework vanish or prevent the semester from marching along in its stately progression toward midterms and, eventually, finals. In other words, I had a great time rowing on the East Coast over a long weekend, and the payback sucked.

  I still had therapy, and that was a good thing. I wonder if Martha Stewart tried to copyright that phrase? Not that I’d pay her royalties or anything. I also had all the problems I had when I’d left for Boston, too, plus some new ones.

  “So tell me about Boston,” Alicia said.

  We stood side by side in her office, looking out the window at the city below. Her office sported a great view. I had no idea how she accomplished anything.

  I sighed. “How about I start with my parents’ ambush before I left?”

  “Yes, I think that would be a good idea.” Alicia gestured for me to take a seat in the big, sinfully comfortable armchair she provided for her patients. It beat the trite stereotype of a couch, I supposed.

  “I thought it was a bit off to be summoned to dinner…,” I started.

  Alicia nodded. “Is that how it felt?”

  “Yes, definitely. Before school started, my parents went through a whole song and dance about not coming home very often, how I’d never make the break if I came home every weekend blah blah blah, and then to be told to come home for dinner? I felt like I was being called on the carpet for something, and subsequent events bore that out.”

  I continued to tell Alicia about that evening, almost reliving the events, it was that real in my memory.

  “So how’d that make you feel?”

  I frowned. “Well… ambushed, like I said. Even though I knew something was off-key about the whole thing, I had no idea they were going to go after Michael.”

  “Did they go after Michael, or your relationship with Michael?”

  Sometimes I hated her coolly unflappable demeanor, that and her insight.

  “Our relationship, I guess.” I thought about it. “Their arguments were internally contradictory. As angry as I was—as I am—I realized that at the time. They told me I’m too dependent on him, and that he and I spend an ‘inappropriate’ amount of time together.”

  “‘Inappropriate’? What does that mean?” Alicia frowned.

  I shrugged. “Wish I could tell you. Dad never defined his terms.”

  “I can see why you’re frustrated, Jeremy. I’m surprised you didn’t get up and leave,” Alicia said.

  “This all happened so fast that there wasn’t time. Anyway, then my mom started in. She claimed that Michael’s parents had told them they thought I exerted an ‘undue’ influence on him.”

  Alicia flipped back through her notes. “Wait, I thought he was an undue influence on you?”

  “That’s my parents. They think he influences me too much.” I was starting to enjoy this.

  “Now I know why you roll your eyes so often. Please continue.”

  “Then my parents and probably the Castelreighs accused me—us?—of spending nights in my dorm, which has never happened, by the way. The one time Michael fell asleep while I was studying, his parents came to get him at 10:30 p.m.,” I said. “I had to remind Mom and Dad that this is not particularly late for a high-school senior to stay up. Geoff and I stayed up much later than that when we had exams.”

  “So did I.” Alicia laughed. “Pretty much anyone on the college-admissions track does. Do go on.”

  “Right. Then they objected to the fact that I’m older. I was also older when we started dating, but no one had any problems with the age differential then.” I thought for a moment. “Then they argued that Michael makes my decisions for me, based on what, I’m not sure, to be honest. Neither they nor Geoff liked the fact that I chose classes this fall based on when Michael was busy at school and in practice, leaving my afternoons free when he’s free. Is that some kind of felony I don’t know about?”

  “You’d have to check with Detective Nakimoto about that, but I don’t think so.” Alicia thought for a while. “You’ve mentioned your brother. Why don’t you tell me where he fits in where all of this is concerned?”

  I made a face. “Ugh, he’s on our parents’ side, and the biggest hypocrite on earth. He admitted he’d propose to his girlfriend when she told him to, and their schedules match despite his avowal otherwise. Yet when he called me to congratulate me on the races, he spent the time lecturing me about Michael.”

  “Can you sketch that conversation for me?”

  “Jeez, do I have to? He’s on my shit list right now.”

  Alicia shrugged. “He’s a very important person in your life, more so than your parents. Given that you said he agrees with them, I think it might be valuable to hear his reasons. Just the highlights. I don’t want to put you through all of that again.”

  “Yeah, yeah, I got it. Let’s see… I summarized the fight with our parents, ending with their accusation I plan my life around Michael. Then he agreed. He doubled down by saying I was way too dependent on my boyfriend.”

  It was things like that that made me the moody, broody asshole everyone knew and loved. When I got out of there, I intended to plug in and listen to nothing but Joy Division for a week. Anyone who wanted to talk to me could take a number and wait until I surfaced.

  “So tell me what you think Michael does for you.” Typical shrink babble.

  “I think Michael helps me clarify my thinking, but apparently I’m the only one.” Then I thought some more. “Geoff tried to use his relationship with his girlfriend as an example of balance and health, but I had none of that. Given that he’s all but grafted to his girlfriend, the irony was suffocating.”

  I didn’t say anything for a few minutes as I tried to put my thoughts and feelings into words fit for polite company. Sure, I knew I could’ve sworn and ranted in therapy, but why be that person?

  “Geoff plowed onward, claiming Michael’s my crutch and that it wasn’t normal for me to make sure my schedule allowed me to be free when Michael was. Then he said I used to be so fierce and asked what happened. He doesn’t get that I used to be tough as nails because I had to be.” My voice dropped and thickened as I tried not to cry. “When you’re in the closet, you’ve got no one. You’re it. I couldn’t even count on him, because he didn’t know.” I didn’t say anything for a moment or two. I choked tears back, my throat tight. “I still can’t count on him.”

  Alicia said nothing but handed me tissues and let me cry.

  “They don
’t get it. I mean, when I got back from Boston, I thought I’d get my luggage and take a shuttle back to campus. No greeting, no fanfare, but when I cleared security, there was Michael and what looked like half the CalPac novices and the guys from the Cap City gentlemen’s crew who had rowed with me last year.” I sniffled. “They had a banner and everything.”

  “That’s wonderful, Jeremy.”

  After I’d had a chance to regain my equilibrium, Alicia said, “Now I’d like you to try to put yourself in Geoff’s place. Why do you think he might be so concerned?”

  This was the part of therapy I hated—when she made me work for it. I thought for a while. I hated living inside my head so much because I knew what she was looking for. “It’s like what we were talking about before, when I blamed myself for having HIV. I made a mistake and won’t trust myself again. But those events were a year and a half ago, and I need not to let them determine the course of my life. Just because I’m a sub doesn’t mean the guy in charge in the bedroom gets to make my decisions outside of it. I don’t think I’ve turned control of my life over to Michael, I really don’t.”

  “But Geoff does. Your parents do.”

  I curled my lip. “My parents are once again on a need-to-know basis where my life is concerned. They’ve gone too far, and the olive branch is theirs to wave, not mine.”

  “Understood. They were over-the-top, and from what you’ve told me, that was far from the first time. But please consider your brother.”

  I didn’t want to think about my brother. I wasn’t ready to forgive him. I wasn’t sure I could, or even should. I knew he expected total acceptance of his relationship with Laurel. Propose to her when she told him it was time? Excuse me? He needed to hear that one out loud. Repeatedly. Sac up, Geoff. What about when it worked for you? What about cutting me some of that same slack? My relationship was worth every bit as much.

  All I said was, “I’ll think about it.”

  “So, you and Michael. One thing that cannot be argued with is that he’s still in high school and that you’re only a freshman in college. You’re both young, and while you’re older than he is, do you really feel any wiser?”

  I laughed. “Would I be here if I did?”

  “Touché. In a way, since you like classical and literary references, you’re like Romeo and Juliet, only it’s to be hoped without the poison. You’ve already got the disapproving families.”

  Romeo and Juliet. That tripped a wire. Romeo and Juliet. Romeo and Juliet laws.

  Josh Brennan.

  Oh sweet suffering—

  I barely made it to the bathroom in time.

  “JEREMY, ARE you in there?” Alicia sounded scared.

  I looked at myself in the mirror. I’d been fairly well put together when I’d left my room that morning, but wow, not anymore. Pale, shaking, haggard. I should hurry back to my room. I’d break Brady of his stupid infatuation right quick.

  I washed my face one last time, then took another swig of water to rinse my mouth out. Thank the fickle goddess of the ergs for sugarless gum. At least that would disguise my breath.

  “Yeah, I’ll be right out.” I sounded like I was a thousand years old. I looked it, too.

  “Are you all right? What happened?” Alicia looked appalled when I emerged from the bathroom, like maybe she’d never sent anyone screaming to the bathroom to vomit before. I guess she didn’t treat eating disorders or something.

  “Not here,” I said. “In your office.”

  I leaned back in the chair, trying to order my scattered thoughts, trying to make sense of what sent me racing to the bathroom to heave my guts out. “I’m Josh Brennan.”

  I heard Alicia squelch a gasp. You knew it was bad when you frightened your shrink.

  “Can you explain what that means?”

  I looked at Alicia like she was simple. She had Brennan’s file; she told me that herself. “Star-crossed lovers, disapproving families. I’m older. Do the math.”

  Jeez, thinking about it made me want to hurl again, but there wasn’t anything left in my stomach to come up.

  “You’re going to need to flesh this out for me, Jeremy, because it’s not at all obvious,” Alicia said.

  How could it not be? I mean, it was a big ol’ radioactive elephant in the corner.

  Wasn’t it?

  I sighed. “It just is.”

  She nodded. “You obviously feel very strongly about this, and I’d like to come back to it.”

  “Yeah, I think that’d be a good idea.” I rubbed my face. “I’ll give it more thought, see if I can’t come up with something more articulate, but damn, it’s such an overpowering feeling. I wish I could put it into words for you.”

  “You’re not putting it into words for me. You’re putting it into words for you.”

  I tried not to grit my teeth. I knew she was right, but sometimes I really hated psychobabble. I wondered if learning to say things like that was an elective or a required course at headshrinker’s school.

  “We’ve got a bit of time left. What else happened on your trip to Boston?”

  Alicia’s office had clocks scattered on most horizontal surfaces. She and her patients could tell when time was running out.

  “How do you know anything else happened in Boston?” Seriously, how did she do that? It was spooky.

  Alicia sighed. “Because you’re not paying me to be stupid, and because you’re one of the most layered people I’ve ever met. If you’d rather save it for next time, I completely understand. This session has been fairly intense.”

  “No, you’re right.” I searched for the right words. “Have I told you about what I call ‘the Plan,’ for lack of a better term?”

  “No, I don’t think so.” Alicia started making notes.

  “Basically, Michael and I intended to go to the same school on the East Coast, or at least schools close to each other, for four years of rowing, studying, and… probably falling in love.” I paused. “We haven’t told our parents that’s why we’re looking at East Coast schools, but that’s pretty much it.”

  “And the problem?”

  “I looked at Boston University while I was there for the regatta.” The thought of it made me tense.

  She nodded. “That’s the sort of eminently sensible thing I’d expect of you. So what went wrong?”

  “I realized it won’t work. I don’t want to leave CalPac and the West Coast. I’d planned to go to BU, while Michael is looking at Yale and Brown. Boston’s a great city, BU’s a brilliant school… but not for me….”

  Alicia put her pen down. “And you don’t know how to tell Michael?”

  “I don’t even know how to begin.” I sighed. I’d only thought life was complicated last year.

  “It all seems to come back to Michael, doesn’t it?”

  A horrendous thought struck me. “Does this mean my parents are right?”

  “No, or at least not for any of the reasons you’ve brought up today. Michael’s obviously very important to you, but that doesn’t mean you’re too dependent on him, or being influenced by him, or are influencing him to an unwholesome degree, or whatever else they’ve said. Nor—” Alicia paused to look over her glasses. “—does it follow that you’re an abusive user.”

  I slid down in my chair a little more. “Okaaay.”

  “What it means, Jeremy, is that he’s an important part of your life right now. It also means that besides the fact you’ve already moved into a different phase of your life, you’re moving further into it, and maybe that the pace of change in your life is accelerating relative to Michael’s, at least for now.”

  I found myself nodding. “That makes sense.”

  “It also means that you have some tough conversations ahead of you, particularly if Michael’s making decisions about his life based on this plan. You owe it him to come clean about your recent realizations, and you owe it to yourself to go through life with a clear conscience. You have enough on your plate without weighing yourself down any more than
necessary.”

  I thought about that. I knew I needed to do it, and soon. But to me it sounded like the death knell for our relationship. I said as much.

  “It might be.” Alicia nodded. “For both of your sakes, I hope it’s not, but you’re also old enough to realize that nothing in life is static. How much change have you seen in the last year?”

  “An awful lot.” I admitted it grudgingly, but at least I admitted it. “I’ve seen it in myself. Hell, I’ve seen a lot in the last week, starting with the realization that my life isn’t meant to be in Boston. I intend to visit it yearly for the Charles, but live there? I don’t think it’s the city of my life.”

  “I think you’ve made a lot of progress today, Jeremy. What I’d like you to keep working on is your conviction that you’ve become the Josh Brennan in your relationship with Michael,” Alicia said. “Is there any reason our usual day and time won’t work next week?”

  I took the appointment card she handed me and shook my head. “No, it’ll be fine.”

  And the last thing I wanted to think about was Josh Brennan, but I also knew it would be all I’d think about.

  Chapter 08

  ONE GREAT thing in my post-Boston world was a nice, warm Michael under my arm as often as we could arrange it. Given our heights, it could go either way, and truth be told, I liked being under his arm at least as much. Any time I heard Geoff’s voice telling me that was being dependent on Michael, I used some of the techniques Alicia had taught me to switch mental gears. Yep, therapy was already paying off.

  Fall in the Sacramento Valley had always been gorgeous and temperate, at least since the rains abandoned us more or less permanently, so we took to studying outside after practices, Michael and I. The golden tone of the light was incredible, and when it got dark, we either took it inside to the coffee house on the CalPac campus or to one of the readily available coffee shops scattered around Sacramento or Davis.