There's Been a Murder!
Page 9
He states that apart from his ongoing excruciating pain, he also suffers from a persistent itch to his Kojak area, due to his loss of pubic hair, and as a result is unable to have sex with his wife.
I am deliberately withholding his name, due to the number of disgusting offers his wife has received through Facebook, and on the phone, offering to assist her with sexual favours, since she appears to be missing out, due to the old ‘bald eagle’ having barbecued his meat and two veg to a frazzle!
Fishing Weekend
• • •
Alex and Roy both worked as partners on the police divisional crime car for several years.
One weekend while off duty together they decided to go fishing. They loaded up Alex's motorbike and headed off up north.
After riding for a few hours, they got caught in a torrential downpour. Soaked to the skin, they pulled into a nearby farm and asked the lady who answered the door to them if they could spend the night there, while they dried off.
The lady was very hospitable toward them and said, ‘I hate the idea of having you stay outside during this terrible weather, but I live here all by myself, due to the fact that my husband has only recently passed away,’ she explained. ‘But I'm afraid my neighbours would talk if I let you stay in the house with me a lonely widow and living all alone.’
‘No worries, ma'am,’ Alex said. ‘We'll be only too happy to sleep in the barn and dry off, and if the weather breaks early, we'll be on our way.’
The lady agreed, and the two cops found their way to the barn and settled down for the night.
Bright and early the following morning, the weather had eased off, and Alex and Roy left to continue on their journey.
They enjoyed the next few days of fishing. However, about ten months later, Alex was to receive an unexpected letter from a reputable solicitors’ office in Inverness.
It took him a few minutes to figure it out, but he finally determined that it was from the firm of solicitors representing the attractive elderly widow he had met on the fishing weekend.
Later the same day, he dropped in at the police station on his colleague and asked, ‘Roy, do you remember that good-looking lady from the farm we stayed at on our fishing trip up north about ten months ago?’
‘Yes, I do,’ replied Roy, somewhat hesitantly.
‘Tell me this – did you … er … happen to get up during the night, and go up to the house and pay her a visit while she was sleeping, all alone in that big house?’
‘Eh, well … erm … yes I did as a matter of fact!’ Roy said, slightly embarrassed about being found out.
‘I have to admit that I did, but I was going to tell you about it, honest.’
‘Is that right?’ Alex asked. ‘And did you just happen to give her my name and address instead of your own when you left her that morning?’
Roy's face turned beetroot red as he blushed uncontrollably and said, ‘Yeah, I'm sorry, buddy, I'm afraid I did. But I can explain, it was …’ Then he paused before continuing. ‘Wait a minute, why are you asking all this?’
To which Alex responded, ‘'Cause apparently she died last month and left everything to me in her will!’
Number-Four Idiot
• • •
A guy walked into a little corner store armed with a shotgun and ordered the female assistant to put all of the money from the cash drawer into a bag.
The assistant did as she was told, when the robber saw a bottle of whisky that he liked on the shelf behind the counter and ordered her to put it into his bag as well. But the assistant refused, saying, ‘I'm sorry, but I don't believe you're over twenty-one years of age.’
The robber argued that he was, but the female assistant still refused to hand it over, stating she didn't believe him.
At this point, the robber put his shotgun down on the counter, took his driver's licence out of his wallet and handed it over to the cashier to check it out as proof of his age.
The cashier looked it over and agreed that he was in fact over twenty-one years, and put the bottle of whisky into the bag. After which, the robber ran off from the store with his loot.
The cashier promptly contacted the local police and supplied them with the full name and address of the robber, which she had noted from his driving licence.
Surprise! Surprise!
On his arrival home, he walked in the front door to find two armed police officers sitting in the front room of his parents’ house waiting to arrest him for the robbery.
He still hasn't worked out how they knew where to come for him!
This is one guy who definitely needs to wear a big sign.
Choking
• • •
A father walked into a plush restaurant with his young son and handed him three pennies to play with to keep him occupied.
Suddenly, the boy started choking and going blue in the face.
The father immediately realised that his boy had swallowed the pennies and started slapping him on the back.
The boy coughed up two of the pennies, but continued choking. Looking at his son, the father panicked and called for help.
At that, a well-dressed, attractive and serious-looking woman in a grey business suit, sitting at the coffee bar reading a newspaper and sipping a cup of coffee, looked up from her seat at the sound of commotion, put her coffee cup down, neatly folded her newspaper then got up from her seat and made her way across the floor of the restaurant.
Reaching the distressed boy, the woman carefully unzipped his trousers, grabbed hold of his testicles and started to squeeze and twist them, gently at first and then ever so firmly.
Moments later the boy began convulsing violently and coughed up the last penny, which the woman deftly caught in her free hand.
Releasing her grip of the boy's testicles, the woman then handed the penny over to his father and casually walked slowly back to her seat at the coffee bar without saying a word.
As soon as he was sure that his son had suffered no ill effects, the father walked over to the woman and thanked her, saying, ‘I've never seen anybody do anything like that before, it was quite amazing to watch. Are you a doctor or a nurse?’
‘No!’ the woman replied. ‘I'm a divorce lawyer!’
Half Past Four
• • •
A retired inspector was talking to his next-door neighbour and telling him, ‘I just got fitted with a new hearing aid today. Apparently it's state of the art technology and cost the NHS two thousand pounds. It's absolutely amazing. Even the slightest of noises is crystal clear!’
‘Really?’ said his neighbour. ‘So, what company makes them then?’
‘Who, Mary? She's on the phone talking to my daughter.’
Jury Duty Excuse
• • •
This is a true Affidavit that was sent back to the court's jury service on 26 January 2009.
They send out an Affidavit to a named person who has been selected for jury duty and the named person then has to fill out the form and return it with an explanation why they should be excused from such duty.
The Affidavit is laid out thus: Request to be excused from Jury Service for case at issue.
I, Harry the Polis, being first duly sworn upon oath, depose and say that jury service would entail undue hardship on me and that I request to be excused from jury service for the following reasons …
You then submit your reason in writing.
This is one that was received by the jury service staff: ’Apparently you morons didn't understand me the first time.
I CANNOT take time off from my work and I'm not putting my family's well-being at stake to participate in this load of crap.
I don't believe in our ‘Legal Justice’ system and I don't want to have a goddamn thing to do with it.
Jury duty is a complete waste of time.
I would rather count the wrinkles on my dog's bollocks than sit on a jury.
Get it through your thick skulls and leave me the hell alone!‘
Breaking News
• • •
Strathclyde Police cordoned off Greenock town centre this morning when a suspicious object was observed in a car.
It later turned out to be a valid tax disc.
Dumb! Dumb!
• • •
I once received a call to attend the Royal Infirmary Accident and Emergency Department regarding a young blonde woman being admitted late one night with the tip of her index finger missing after a gunshot accident.
The woman did not wish to explain how the accident happened, so it was left to me to question her about it.
‘How did this happen?’ I began by asking her.
She sat there for a moment contemplating, reluctant to speak with me, then suddenly she opened her mouth and I couldn't stop her.
‘Well, believe it or not, I was trying to commit suicide,’ she replied.
‘What?’ I responded, shocked by her explanation. ‘You tried to commit suicide, so you shot your finger off?’
She shook her head and said, ‘No, no, no, you silly man. ‘Firstly, I pointed the gun at my chest, and then I thought, “I've just spent £5,000 getting these breast implants fitted. I'm certainly not going to shoot myself there.”’
‘So, what next?’ I asked her.
‘Well then I put the gun into my mouth, and I thought, “wait a minute there, Mandy, you've just paid £4,000 to get these teeth straightened and whitened. You're not shooting yourself in the mouth!” I mean to say … what a waste of money that would have been. Don't you agree?’
‘Yes! So, what did you do then?’ I asked, eager for her to continue.
‘Well that's when I decided to put the gun up to my ear, and just as I was about to pull the trigger, I thought, “this is bound to make a very loud bang. So, in order not to deafen myself, I put my other finger up to my ear before I pulled the trigger … ’
Did I mention that this girl was blonde?
What a Load …
• • •
A young woman driver was pulled over by the police for speeding in a built-up area.
As the traffic cop walked up to her car window, he flipped open his ticket book, and before he uttered a word, the female driver said, ‘I bet you're going to ask me to buy a ticket to the Strathclyde Police Ball.’
Without the slightest hesitation, he promptly blurted out, ‘Strathclyde Police don't have any balls!’
At that, there was a moment's silence, when she smiled at him and he considered his impromptu response to her question. He then closed over his ticket book and without saying another word, returned to his police car and promptly drove off.
As for the female driver, she couldn't drive her car for laughing!
Car Trouble
• • •
This was apparently an article in the Daily News, supplied by an anonymous police officer in the West Midlands, about an off-duty colleague and his wife who drove their car to the local Asda Superstore to buy their weekly groceries.
However, just as they were about to park within the car park, their car broke down.
The off-duty cop told his wife to carry on with the shopping while he fixed the problem with the car.
The wife went off to carry out his instructions, returning a short time later to see a small group of people near the car.
Taking a closer look herself, she saw a pair of hairy legs protruding from under the front of the car.
Unfortunately, although wearing a pair of fashionable shorts, he was unaware that his lack of underwear resulted in his ‘family jewels’ being publicly exposed for all to see.
Unable to stand the embarrassment of her husband's genitals fully exposed in a public car park, she dutifully stepped forward, knelt down and quickly put her hand up his shorts, in order to tuck everything back into place and out of sight from the assembled crowd.
On regaining her feet, she glanced across the car bonnet to find herself face to face with her policeman husband, who was standing, watching with everyone else, all that was taking place.
Suffice to say, the RAC mechanic received such a fright when she was performing her good deed to preserve his modesty that he banged his head on the car chassis frame and had to have three stitches inserted to his forehead.
The Loving Husband
• • •
My former police colleague Robert Ball, who is a fanatical Rangers supporter, had two of the best tickets for the Homecoming Scottish Cup Final.
As he took his seat at Hampden Park, a supporter came along and asked if anyone was sitting in the vacant seat next to him with a better view.
‘No!’ he replied. ‘This seat is most definitely empty.’
‘This is wonderful!’ the other supporter enthused. ‘Who in their right mind would have bought a ticket for the Homecoming Scottish Cup Final, the biggest sporting event of the year in Scottish football, and not turn up to take their seat?’ Robert replied, ‘Well, actually, the seat you are sitting in belongs to me. My wife was supposed to accompany me to the match, but unfortunately, she passed away recently.
‘This is the first Cup Final we haven't been to together since we got married.’
‘Oh … I'm so sorry to hear that. That's just terrible.’ There was a pause of a moment's silence, before the other supporter enquired, ‘I guess you couldn't find someone else, like a friend or relative, or even a neighbour to accompany you to the game and take her seat?’
Robert shook his head and replied, ‘Unfortunately not. They're all attending her funeral!’
Dr Feelgood
• • •
My son, who wants to be a doctor, was working with a GP in Govan, getting some work experience, when the GP said, ‘Listen, Kayed, I've been watching how well you've been getting on with the patients and I thought, since you're doing so well, rather than close up the clinic, you could maybe take care of it yourself and see to all my patients, while I went fishing this afternoon.’
‘Definitely, sir!’ replied Kayed.
That settled, the GP went off to do some fishing.
The following day, on his return the GP asked, ‘So, Kayed, tell me, how was your day in charge?’
Kayed informed him that he had taken care of three patients. ‘The first one had a headache, so I prescribed him Panadol.’
‘Well done, mate, and the second one?’ asked the GP. ‘The second one had stomach burning, so I prescribed him Losec to take, sir,’ said Kayed.
‘Excellent diagnosis! You're very good, and what about the third one?’ he asked.
‘Well, sir, I was sitting here at the desk when suddenly the door opened and a woman entered. Before I could stop her, she undressed herself, taking off everything, including her bra and her pants. She then lay down naked on the table and shouted, ‘Help me, Doctor! I haven't seen a man in over two years!’
The GP looked over at him in amazement, settled down in his chair and said, ‘So, come on then. Tell me, what did you do?’ he asked, desperate to hear the sordid details.
To which Kayed replied in all sincerity, ‘Simple! I washed both her eyes out with Optrex drops.’
Sorry about the ending folks, but my boy isn't like that and doesn't think like you lot out there!
Or me, for that matter!
The Car Boot
• • •
I was enjoying my favourite pastime the other day, walking around a car boot sale, and I came across a female stall holder who was advertising the price of her goods for sale.
‘Everything's a pound! Only a pound! Grab a bargain! Help yersel’ tae anything ye see for only a pound!’
On hearing this offer, I bent down and picked up a book.
Quick as a flash, on seeing me with the book in my hand, she shouted over, ‘That book's two pound, darling!’
What's i
n a Name?
• • •
This was sent to me in an email by an ex-colleague, and I enjoyed it that much, I had to include it for you.
After the untimely death of Quasimodo, the Bishop of Notre Dame Cathedral sent word through the streets of Paris that a new bell-ringer was required to take over the duties.
The Bishop decided that he would conduct the interviews personally and went up into the belfry to begin the screening process.
After observing several applicants as they demonstrated their bell-ringing skills, he had decided to call it a day when an armless man approached him and announced that he was there to apply for the bell-ringer's job.
The Bishop was incredulous. ‘You have no arms!’
‘Not a problem,’ said the man. ‘Please, observe!’ And he began striking the bells with his face, producing a beautiful melodic sound on the carillon.
The Bishop listened in disbelief, convinced he had finally found a replacement for Quasimodo. But suddenly, as he lunged forward to strike a bell, the armless man tripped and plunged headlong out of the belfry window onto the grey cobbled streets below, to his death.
The stunned Bishop rushed to his side and as he reached his broken body, a crowd had gathered around the fallen figure, drawn by the beautiful music they had heard only moments earlier.
As the Bishop stood over him, one of crowd asked, ‘Bishop, who was this man?’
The Bishop sadly replied, ‘I don't know his name … But his face rings a bell!’
WAIT! WAIT! There's more … Read on …
The very next day, despite all the sadness that weighed heavily on his heart due to the unfortunate death of the armless campanologist (that's bell ringer to you), the Bishop of the cathedral continued with his task of interviewing candidates for the position of bell-ringer of Notre Dame.
The first man to approach him said, ‘Your Excellency, I would like to introduce myself, I am the brother of the recently deceased, armless wretch that fell to his death from this very belfry only yesterday.
‘I pray that you will honour his life and that of his family, by allowing me to replace him in this duty.’