by Noah Clay
Around the same time as my sixteenth birthday, I received a truly remarkable, one-of-a-kind gift. It was all every sixteen-year-old dreams for but better. It was more than a standard sixteenth birthday gift.
It was a notification letter informing me that I had been chosen to receive a two-year scholarship to a local community college that included all tuition, fees, and books. Most sixteen-year-olds dream of fast cars, but I dreamed of an even faster way to get where I wanted: a college education. Yes, I know how corny that sounds. No, I’m not changing it.
In all seriousness, I loved books and learning. I wanted to soak up every last bit of information that I could so that I could work harder and go farther. I always wanted to be at the top of the top and the best of the best. So, while everyone else in my class spent their days partying or playing sports, I spent every waking moment in class.
When my high school classes would wrap up for the day, I would attend any meetings for the ever-growing list of clubs I was in and teams I was on. Then, I was quickly home to do my college work. Online courses and telecourses were the air I breathed, and I wasn’t stopping anytime soon.
I finally started to remember who I was and to grow. I was able to push the negativity of the past year down and away, instead hanging onto the hope of a much brighter future. And, nothing was big enough to drag me down.
Really, I was just suppressing a much bigger problem, but I would never admit that. Truthfully, I would never show any weakness, because weakness was a show of defeat. And after everything I had just gone through, I would not be defeated by anyone.
So, not only did I take classes, I tested out of classes. I studied overtime and worked my very hardest to prove I was all I told myself I was. Consistently made fun of and looked down on, I told myself that it didn’t matter to me what anyone else thought. It only mattered who I was.
So, in keeping true to this mantra of independence and self-worth, I decided to truly prove I didn’t care what anyone else thought of me. I didn’t want to be judged any more for how I looked, talked, or walked. I didn’t want to let anyone tell me any longer that I wasn’t good enough for them.
And the best way I found to accomplish this goal was by entering a pageant in the Miss America system.
It made sense at the time. I promise. It really did.
Looking back, though, it doesn’t.
At the time, I convinced my mom that I wanted to enter a scholarship competition for high-achieving young women.
My mom knew I was full of crap.
She let me enter anyway, knowing that I didn’t stand a chance of making it. But, don’t blame her. I thought the same thing.
My parents always supported what they like to refer to as my “hair-brained antics” but are better categorized as “optimistic personal and career ambitions.” They may not have agreed with everything I did or the way I did it, but they loved me enough to let me try. When I failed, they were there to pick me up with their life lessons and cautionary tales.
This time, though, I didn’t fall. I wasn’t even close. In fact, I soared on the ruffles of the clearance prom dress section of the department store. After the whole thing went down, I was told I’d had the best interview and talent. I just needed to not look so ominous wearing black to a teen pageant and work on not bouncing through the classy model-walking portions.
And just like that, I was a baby Miss America.
The next few months found me completely and totally out of my element. Y’all would not believe the amount of classes out there on how to not walk like an idiot. I mean, seriously. It’s crazy stuff; I would know.
I pushed through, though, because I knew trivial walking, makeup, hair, and other classes would be worth it. Even at that point, I was convinced that this crown represented something so much bigger than a couple hours of cable once a year. While most girls became obsessed with winning the next level and making it to the final stage to compete for the one and only Miss America, I told myself that it didn’t matter what stage I competed on or how big the crown grew. Crowns were designed for lying at the feet of Jesus, anyway.
Yet, something in me changed as the classes went on, the pictures were taken, and the official pageant boards began projecting me in the top five. I found that I wanted it all. I wanted the biggest crown, the best sponsors, the highest recognition, and status as what I believed would make me the best young woman in America.
So, I worked really hard. I gave everything my all. I started keeping detailed records of my service hours and taking pictures of me volunteering. Before, I had only allowed my crown to open doors. But now, I was milking it for all I could.
Back at school, I found myself wearing my crown, full makeup, and nice clothes for a few minutes at the end of every Monday. I told myself that it was so I could like nice for the kids at the reading program I founded. In my heart, I wanted to be noticed.
I didn’t want to be noticed for being someone else or doing something I hadn’t. I simply wanted others to know I existed and that I was a kind person. I wasn’t anyone to be afraid of or make fun of; I was an ordinary girl with a big, broken heart.
In spite of everything I was doing to show I was someone worthy of approval, I continued to be met with disappointment. I even had a classmate take my crown and sash. She later bragged to a full room of our classmates that she was tired of seeing me in it.
She couldn’t have been any more tired of seeing me in the crown than I was of being made fun of for wearing it. While my motives may not have always been the most pure at times, I fully believed in the mission of Miss America and vowed to work my hardest to be worthy of wearing that crown. So, I conducted book drives, founded afterschool programs, started libraries in low-income areas, and used every possible opportunity to both speak on my platform and serve my community.
It became truly exhausting to continue to pour everything I had into a group of people that only wanted to ridicule me in every possible manner. I was working and serving tirelessly but being met with laughs and snide remarks. I was fighting for the disadvantaged, only to find myself among them. I was mocked for sharing my faith and living it out.
In all of history thus far, there was no one who could relate. I was the only one who had felt this way and experienced these obstacles with no one before me paving that way. It was up to me to do that.
Just kidding.
Chapter 16b
I cannot even begin to describe the amount of times God told me that last paragraph was a lie. I think that I knew in my heart I wasn’t alone. But, I grew to almost want to be alone. I felt that I didn’t deserve to be happy. I deserved to suffer.
I let myself buy into lies straight from the enemy that I had to be punished for who I was. It was the only logical explanation for why bad things continued to happen. Why else would I continue to be rejected, ridiculed, and rejected?
Oh, that’s right. I liked to forget that the book of James existed. The truth of the matter is that James is a major buzzkill. So, is Paul. I mean, seriously.
I’ve been to a lot of themed birthday, Christmas, Valentine’s Day, Easter, Halloween, etc. parties. At no point before, during, or after the festivities did anyone say, “Ya’ know what? Let’s all rejoice in our sufferings together.” I mean, that would seriously be the worst party ever. Everyone would feel sad and leave, while you sat alone talking to your dad about why no one likes you.
Does that sound familiar? Yeah, that’s because Jesus did that. The entire life of Jesus was a giant party that turned into a festival of suffering and left Jesus looking back at the end of it praying to God. He knew what he had to do and was willing to do it, though he wept and asked for another way.
He was the messiah, the chosen one. The Israelite people had prayed for years and years that God would return to them. They knew the prophecies and God coming back. They expected a king, a feast, and a party. What they got was a child from an unmarried young girl. This could not be the messiah, so he was treated accordingly.
What we so often forget, though, is that there is still so much beauty in the life, death, and resurrection of Christ. The truth of the gospel is that God loved us so much that he would give his one and only son over to death that we could be brought to life in him.
That’s amazing.
This is the part where most people say that they understand the beauty of the cross and what Jesus has done for us but say these other jokers don’t know what they’re talking about. Jesus was totally separate. So, of course we can learn from Jesus. But, these guys are just trying to make everybody else miserable since they were.
Right?
Not quite.
James was actually referred to in scripture as the brother of Jesus. Now, while there is some debate as to which James he was and in what way the two were brothers, this man is still referred to as the brother of Jesus. So, he’s pretty reliable when it comes to what Jesus would say and do. This man would have not only been divinely inspired by God in the writing of this book but also present. He speaks from experience of who Christ really was.
Paul, on the other hand, started very far from Christ. In fact, it’s possible that he was on the exact opposite end of the spectrum. Paul was a man who was actively hunting and executing Christians. One day, in the midst of his journey to kill even more Christians, Jesus blinded Paul and spoke to him.
To make a long story short, Paul was blinded for three days and then healed. Through this experience, he learned to trust God and serve Jesus. He knew that God was the one true God and committed the rest of his life to spreading the gospel, even in prison.
Both Paul and James are men with very close insight to Jesus. They aren’t going off in left-field to make readers uncomfortable or feel less Christian. Yet, they also didn’t write books meant to make readers feel good about their complacency for Christ. Paul and James are men that deal with Christianity at its base level.
Both of these men saw the growth of the gospel and experienced its radical life-changing power firsthand. They wanted people to know Christ, but they also wanted people to know what it meant to know Christ. Knowing Christ isn’t easy or done half-heartedly. It’s inconvenient in every sense of the word. Yet, it’s so worth it.
In Romans 5:3-8(ESV), Paul writes,
“[] we rejoice in our sufferings, knowing that suffering produces endurance, and endurance produces character, and character produces hope, and hope does not put us to shame, because God's love has been poured into our hearts through the Holy Spirit who has been given to us. For while we were still weak, at the right time, Christ died for the ungodly. For one will scarcely die for a righteous person—though perhaps for a good person one would dare even to die— but God shows his love for us in that while we were still sinners, Christ died for us.”
Paul understood something I, and so many like me, refused to accept. God doesn’t always remove our suffering, even though he can. I’ll say that a little louder for the people in the back. God has the ability and right to do whatever he darn well pleases. When you are suffering or struggling, God is still there and still aware of you. He always is. Sometimes, it takes those struggles to make you aware of him.
God is the very fulfillment of all we can never be. And, without our shortcomings, struggles, and suffering, we will never see what we aren’t. We have no way of knowing the things that have never been made known to us. All things are known to God, though, who reveals them to us in his perfect timing.
So, God allows us just enough to see that we still need him. We were made to worship him, not to be him. And, it is through our shortcomings and struggles that that truth is brought to fruition. In the same way, Jesus allowed himself to be brought from his seat in Heaven to this broken earth as a man that he could truly understand us and save us.
God didn’t have to do that. He didn’t have to send Jesus. And in the same regard, Jesus didn’t have to allow it. In fact, scripture documents Jesus asking that things be done differently. Yet, he accepted God’s answer, even when it was a no. That was something I struggled with.
I wanted to be liked and loved. More than that, I wanted it all to be easy. Struggling was hard, and I didn’t need endurance if I never faced obstacles. So, why put me through training for something I worked so hard to avoid?
That’s why I’m so grateful God is so much wiser than I am. He gives me the opportunity to mess up but already has a plan in place for when I do. He lets me choose how I live my life, but he also works to draw me to him.
The thing we need to understand about God is that when we ask him for an attribute, he doesn’t immediately snap his fingers and make it so. He builds that up in us. For example, if you asked for patience, how would you ever know you’d actually gained it if there were no situations in which you ever needed it? You wouldn’t.
Likewise, how would we know our faith has ever really grown, if it is never tested? Countless times in the Old Testament, people asked God why things were so bad and why he couldn’t just come back. The situations and words vary, but the theme is the same. Before anything happens, God already has planned how that even will come full circle for the glory of God and the growth of the kingdom.
With that said, God doesn’t cause bad things to happen. The enemy does that. Scripture says that God is preparing a place for us free of all the troubles of this world. So, why would he want that for us on Earth? He doesn’t. He keeps his word and gives us choices, though.
Sometimes, our choices are bad or bring about bad things. God didn’t do that to use. We need to stop looking at our lives as trials and struggles tainting our otherwise perfect lives. When we sinned, as all have, we chose a life separated from Christ. As much as it broke his heart, God allowed us that choice. From that point on, we were destined to a life of sin, despair, and destruction. The periods of our lives that aren’t that way are nothing but grace from God.
When we let our view change to see God as good and gracious, we can better understand why our own struggling is good. Our struggling teaches us to need God. We were made to worship him and reflect his glory. We are designed to be in communion with him. Yet, even while we were still broken, ugly, and dirty, God gave up everything to save us. And, it is our sufferings that provide an opening in our hearts to understand just what love that was.
The book of James even goes so far as to say that we should count it joy when we face these kind of trials and tribulations. Joy doesn’t necessarily mean happiness. It is much bigger and fuller. Joy is the knowledge of pain but choosing goodness instead. Joy is wisdom in the midst of the trial, and that is where James comes from. James 1:2-15(ESV) says:
“Count it all joy, my brothers, when you meet trials of various kinds, for you know that the testing of your faith produces steadfastness. And let steadfastness have its full effect, that you may be perfect and complete, lacking in nothing.
If any of you lacks wisdom, let him ask God, who gives generously to all without reproach, and it will be given him. But let him ask in faith, with no doubting, for the one who doubts is like a wave of the sea that is driven and tossed by the wind. For that person must not suppose that he will receive anything from the Lord; he is a double-minded man, unstable in all his ways.
Let the lowly brother boast in his exaltation, and the rich in his humiliation, because like a flower of the grass he will pass away. For the sun rises with its scorching heat and withers the grass; its flower falls, and its beauty perishes. So also will the rich man fade away in the midst of his pursuits.
Blessed is the man who remains steadfast under trial, for when he has stood the test he will receive the crown of life, which God has promised to those who love him. Let no one say when he is tempted, ‘I am being tempted by God,’ for God cannot be tempted with evil,
and he himself tempts no one. But each person is tempted when he is lured and enticed by his own desire. Then desire when it has conceived gives birth to sin, and sin when it is fully grown brings forth death.”
Let’s break that down a little bit. In the first section of this passage, James is explaining the phenomenon of strength in weakness. He explains that when we are tested, God is allowing our faith to be strengthened, that we may learn to persevere.
As James goes on, he describes what it means to have this strong faith and completeness in Christ. Life in Christ does not mean that things will be easy or void of adversity. Instead, it means that we will find favor with God. I don’t know about you, but I would much rather have favor with the God who created this world over the people who live in it. I would rather be strengthened by God and held in his favor than have this world.
So, let this world test me. Let it throw itself at me, because I know my God is good. I will stand firm in him, because he is the only one who lasts. Everything else fades away, but God is eternal. The enemy will do all he can to distract us from that. He will work so hard, because even he knows the glory of God.