by Noah Clay
Even the darkness is afraid of God. Even the enemy backs away at the mention of the name of God. So, why is it that we, God’s own children, allow ourselves to so easily be drawn away? Those trials aren’t God’s design, but he lets them happen. And, he uses them and their outcomes to strengthen us and lead us back to him.
Chapters 17-19
The end of high school and beginning of college are a blur to me. They are filled with unpleasant memories of me trying to fit into a world where I didn’t belong. I remember working for the college’s athletic department and falling for a basketball player.
He liked me until his friends told him not to.
To be fair, I didn’t fit in his world. I had just been hopeful that he would fit into mine. I worked diligently to make him fit. No matter what I tried, it just didn’t work out.
At the same time, I was being recklessly pursued by an equipment manager for the football team. Luckily, I had the sense to say he was a “no-go” since he didn’t have a relationship with Christ. That didn’t stop him from trying.
I learned to be uncomfortable with who I was. I was always being told to change by someone so that I would fit into this world of athletes. The general advice was to lose weight, get drunk, and sleep around.
As much as I have always wanted to lose weight, I have a medical condition that makes it pretty darn close to impossible. Since I had no desire to drink and have sex with anyone who wasn’t my husband, I didn’t stand a chance.
I told myself that by not making “wrong” decisions, I was living a life honoring to God. In my heart, though, I was turned from God. I was going to church and was open about my faith. But, I’m not sure I believed my own self.
I spoke so openly of Christ and his role in my life. But, I continued to do things my way. I did what I wanted to do and pursued the career I wanted. I knew God had put a passion in my heart for ministry, but I wanted nothing to do with it. It wasn’t lucrative enough. Besides, I was too smart to not do something else.
I refused to acknowledge that people with the opportunity to reach the top might give up everything to serve God. I felt that it was your civic duty to be the very best you could be at everything. If not, you were slacking.
What I didn’t take into consideration, though, was that giving your best didn’t equal being the best. God absolutely calls us to be our best but not to be the best. It goes back to that passage in James. In our weakness, God is lifted up. When we are seeking God, we are building perseverance. We are drawing closer to God.
At the time, I didn’t understand that, though. I told you; I wanted to forget the book of James. So, I took interest in the athletes, the awards, the offices, etc. I did all I could to be liked and make up for everything I thought I should have been.
Somewhere along the way, though, things changed. God finally allowed a break in the midst of my searching. He opened my heart to really receive him. I always had Christ in my heart and unashamedly professed him. But, it was in this time period that I really welcomed him into every part of my life and grew determined to do whatever he called me to do.
For the first time, I listened. Instead of being a mere Christian, I decided to actually take up my cross and be a disciple. I learned who God was and sought him out. He met me in my searching, and he showed that he is good.
As hard as I have tried to rewrite and describe that period, I keep falling flat. Over and over, I am drawn to my own words during that time. I see the action of God molding my heart. So, the next chapter will be a little different as I actually step back in time and share a blog post I wrote during that time, with names redacted for privacy.
Part Three
Chapter 20a
Over the course of the last nine months, God has completely and utterly wrecked me.
Roughly four and a half months ago, I stepped foot into the first session of a missions conference where I learned and grew more than I could have ever imagined, alongside 16,000 of my brothers and sisters in Christ. The worship, speakers, and seminars were incredible. But, the way I encountered God was simply indescribable. He revealed his heart to me and showed me what love really is. And, for the first time, I truly understood that even without anyone else, I wasn't alone.
*******
The first thing you should know about my heavenly father is that he doesn't hesitate to overwhelm you with love. He's the dad who goes to a chess team match with a jersey on to cheer for you. No matter how ridiculous you think you are or how trivial you find your circumstances, he finds them wonderful. He wants to be a part of everything, and he doesn't want you to ever feel alone. He doesn't want you to be rejected, hurt, or broken. So, when your sin makes you that way, he takes your sin and makes you beautiful. This is called grace.
Nine months ago, I didn't understand grace. To be quite frank, I thought it was something above me. The concept was confusing and seemed too good to be true, like a part of Christianity I hadn't leveled up to.
I felt like God would draw me in over and over and grow me in him, but when I wouldn't receive something I so strongly desired, I felt that I deserved to go without. I thought that God was telling me I wasn't the right kind of person to have what I wanted. Now, though, I see where God was actually telling me to wait while he prepared something better.
You see, the second thing you should know about my heavenly father is that he's the kind of dad who doesn't think anything is good enough for you. He's the dad who doesn't think any man is good enough to date his princess, but times infinity. Think about it. Earthly dads are so particular about any boy their little girl wants to date. He has to measure up in more ways than he even knows.
Now, think about how much more measuring up there is to be done when the dad of that little girl created the universe and everything in it. No one will be good enough. Period. But, God wants his little girl to be happy. So, he finds the right man for her, teaches him, molds him, shapes him, and grows him, until that man is no longer himself, but a reflection of the God he serves. When God does this for his princess, who, without him, is less than a piece of trash, that girl receives grace.
Simply put, we don't deserve anything. We're born with nothing. But, by God's grace, we are born to parents who provide for us in a country where we have complete freedom to make whatever life we choose for ourselves. That, friends, is what God made clear to me four-and-a-half months ago.
*******
On the first night of the conference, I was beyond excited and expecting my mind to be blown. I was anxious to see what God had in store for me and what a conference that (paired with hotel, travel, food, etc. expenses) had cost all my Christmas money and paychecks for a couple weeks looked like. And after that first night of worship, I was disappointed. I was honestly bummed out that I'd spent so much money to go to a conference similar to the camp I'd gone to when I was in high school (which was much less expensive).
So, I went in to the next day sick and bummed out, not expecting much at all. My group had decided to fix lunch each day during the hour and a half break for everyone in our group and everyone in another group from our chapter, roughly 15 or 16 people. So, on the first night, I'd bought tons of food, in addition to everything my group had already brought, and made plans to cook lunch for the week. So, on that second day, after a morning of less than riveting bible study and an unenjoyable morning session (due mainly to my being sick), I was ready to just go back to the hotel and fix lunch.
The other group that had made plans to join us followed us over to the door where our shuttle was supposed to show up and waited with us for roughly forty minutes. The shuttle didn't show up, and the other group decided to find something else for lunch. My group grew noticeably frustrated, and I felt that I'd let them down. I'd planned everything out exactly, but my plan just came crashing down around me.
Finally, our shuttle showed up, and the small group of us that was left headed back to the hotel. The people left had decided not to go to any of the first seminars, so they could rest u
p and eat lunch before heading back for the second session of seminars. And, me? I had no clue what I was going to do, but I knew it wouldn't involve my return to the conference until my heart was ready to receive everything God had in store for me.
So, I ate, listened to worship music, read about the period in David's life when he knew he was supposed to be king but not yet, and napped. Mainly, I napped. In fact, I almost did so to the point that I missed the first part of the second evening session.
I woke up just in time to realize that I had roughly 35 minutes to get dressed, spruced up, out the door, on the shuttle, reunited with my group, and in a seat before the worship team would get things going and the night’s speaker would take the stage. So, I threw myself together, briskly walked downstairs (because, honestly, who runs?), and hopped onto the bus that was waiting in the parking lot (the only time that happened during the entire week).
I finally made it to the Edward Jones Dome, but I never did find my group. So, angry, alone, and still frustrated that I'd spent so much on a conference I wasn't even enjoying, I made my way to a seat away from anyone I knew. My mind flashed back to a year before when the same thing happened in a figurative way. I'd actually gone to a Bible study but wasn't noticed by anyone outside of the girl I came with. I swore I'd never return and felt much like I was now feeling on the second night of the conference. Yet, what I didn't realize is that my hurt wasn't a product of the actions of those around me, but rather a reflection of the darkness in my heart I'd never really let God shine light on.
As I said before, I never really understood grace. And, I certainly didn't think I deserved it. So, when things went wrong in my life, I didn't see them as the natural course of life. And, I didn't see the good things as God showing me grace in spite of the sin in my life. Instead, I saw the things happening to me as a curse from a God who didn't feel I was good enough to have earned favor.
To be completely transparent, this is something I still struggle with. Close friends know that I'm very shy at first, but extremely outgoing once I've warmed up. The reason for this is that I feel the need to test the water and see if I'll be good enough for the person I'm in contact with: whether they'll laugh at my bubbly personality and weird quirks or they’ll love and appreciate me for who I am.
On the second night of the conference, though, as the speaker presented, God unleashed everything I'd been holding on to and showed me what it really was to live for him. He revealed his heart for my life and his people. And, he showed me where the two fuse together in beautiful harmony. But, in order for that to happen, I have to be free to go where he wants me and do what he tells me. Simply put, I have to live radically.
I wasn't sure what that meant, but I knew it was all I wanted. He who was God over me had divinely appointed me to more than I could dream, and I refused to make anything less of my life. So, I began seeking out anything and everything that would bring me closer to him and make the direction of my calling clearer.
More specifically, I wandered through the exhibit hall where a ridiculous number of missions/ministry organizations had set up information tables for students who were interested in opportunities that were available for serving God's global mission. Feeling called to urban ministry, though, I felt out of place in an exhibit hall filled with organizations dedicated to seeing God move internationally. But, I kept looking, because I knew that if God had called me to do something, he would make a way for me.
And, finally, after roughly an hour of looking, I found an organization that was based in major cities across the United States and had a branch in St. Louis. I found myself captivated by the people and their booth. Unlike many other tables, I wasn't approached or questioned; I was captivated.
After speaking with the director of the location closest to the conference, I felt confident that God was preparing me for something big. So, the director and I arranged a time for me to go on a tour of the ministry's target area, so I could see the facilities used and the neighborhood/people this ministry was spreading the gospel to. I went back to my hotel that night so excited that, for the first time in a long time, God was overwhelming me and revealing his heart to me in a way that was both unmistakable and undeniable. And, I had never been surer of his coming goodness.
But, before I could even see God in action, I had to finish dealing with some issues of my own. You see, it's incredibly hard to follow the God of the oppressed when you're serving a society of success. I was struggling to commit to God, because I didn't want to give up law school/the FBI, and the 2.5 kids I would have with my perfect husband in a beautiful house, separated from the chaos of the world by that proverbial white picket fence. I felt that my decisions to remain pure until marriage, not drink, and be a generally nice person entitled me to these things. And, most importantly, I felt that reaching the poor was a job I should be able to go home from, because I had been "good" and was worthy of a reward.
Yet, God quickly and totally revealed to me that this was not the case at all. After hearing an incredible talk by the area director of another ministry, I knew God was speaking to me, but I wasn't sure how. As God always does, though, he provided a means for me to really understand the fullness of his message. And, on that day, this clarity came through a follow-up seminar led by the same speaker from earlier in the morning.
In one afternoon session, God, through this speaker, shattered everything I had been holding for seven years. He shared that as he prayed for everyone in the room, God kept placing the image of a little girl on a playground on his heart. He said that if you were that little girl, it was never too late to let go. No matter how quickly you had been forced to grow up or what you had been drug through, you could be free. God was waiting to hold you and let you be.
At the time, I refused to think he could be talking to/about me. I was sure that those words may apply to one person or several people. But, I was not, under any circumstance, going to allow myself to think he could be talking to me as well. Yet, as the speaker shared more and more, I realized that it didn't matter what Ram said or who he was talking to, because God was speaking. And, He was speaking directly to me.
*******
As I left the room, God continued to touch my heart and draw me more and more into his plan for my life. I remember feeling so unworthy and so undeserving of the grace God had shown me. I loved God for his mercy, but denied his very grace. In that moment, though, I realized that denying a part of God is denying his very being. So, I put aside everything I thought God was and allowed him to have his way in my heart, moving me, speaking through me, and revealing his heart to me with every step I took. And, with each foot I put forward, a new page was turned, and a new era began.
*******
By the time I finally reached the place where I had agreed to meet up with the director of the ministry I was so interested in, I had told myself I was ready for what God would do in me, but I had no clue what it would look like. I told my point of contact that I was excited to see what he had to show me and waited for God to move.
Yet, as we crossed the street unofficially separating the richest from the poorest I learned excitement was nowhere near the correct word. Anxious turned to apprehensive as it passed through overwhelmed and on to speechless. I had no idea what true poverty and brokenness looked like until that day. I thought volunteering with a local housing authority would prepare me for what I saw in North city. The truth, though, is that nothing could prepare me for what I saw.
The ministry director drove me through the streets of North city and pointed out the "homes" of people he knew, which were sandwiched between huge centers of prostitution, gambling, and human trafficking. But, the kicker was a stop roughly 15 minutes into the trip. As we drove down one particular street, the ministry director slowed down and waved to a little girl who had called out to him from an upstairs window. The conversation, itself, was brief, but the story he told me next has lingered in my mind to this day.
The ministry director shared with me that the
little girl who had waved lived in that apartment with her brother, occasionally her cousin, and roughly 14 other young relatives that were in and out of the house. They had nothing, in every sense of the word. And, they had no means of ever getting anything. They were stuck in a cruel, vicious cycle that pitted the system against them.
You see, in American culture, we are especially fond of the idea of individuals picking themselves up and working hard to achieve great things. Yet, sometimes it doesn't work that way. What happens when the only jobs available are selling your body or drugs? Even the grocery store in this neighborhood was no more than a front for prostitution, gambling, and drug trafficking.
And it was this kind of hopelessness that had manifested itself in the hearts of the little girl and boy that had waved from an upstairs window on a cold December day as I looked out the window, wondering how I'd ever make enough money doing mission work to reach the American dream. As I tossed these questions around in my head, God spoke an answer to me that I will never forget.
The ministry director shared with me that this little girl and boy never missed an event put on by the ministry, and they always participated with enthusiasm and smiles on their faces. But one day, the little boy came to an event alone, without even his sister. So, the ministry director asked a staff worker to find out where the little girl was as the ministry director took care of something else. The ministry director said that the boy told this staff worker that his sister had decided to stay home and take a nap "so she wouldn't have to feel hungry anymore."