Poison Me Sweetly (Long Beach Series Book 1)

by Dani Matthews

  Micaela looks up at me, her eyes serious. “It's okay to be scared. You don't have to go in very far. Whatever you're comfortable with is okay, Zoey.”

  My heart breaks for the little girl who has suddenly turned almost adult-like. She's growing up earlier than her years, and I can see the sadness flickering in the depths of her eyes. Well, we can't have that. “As long as you're holding my hand, I'm good.” When the water gets up to my knees, I playfully shriek as Micaela giggles. Caleb comes up to stand beside me as I'm led further into the crashing waves. When it reaches my hips, the waves start pushing at me, causing me to weave slightly while Micaela, on the other hand, jumps up and down, enjoying the crushing waves that cause her body to sway.

  One strong wave almost knocks me backwards, and I can feel myself stumbling. I quickly let go of Micaela's hand, not wanting to take her down with me if I fall. Caleb's arms wrap around my waist, and he steadies me against his body. For a brief second, my body relaxes into his, right where it belongs. It just feels so right. I can feel his bare chest against my back, and the feel of his skin on mine reminds me of the night we'd had sex. The way he'd moved his body against mine... The way he’d felt inside me.

  “C'mon Zoey!”

  I pull away from Caleb and see that Micaela’s swimming further out, forgetting that I'm a bad swimmer. Alarm sweeps through me, and I turn on Caleb with anxious eyes. “You'll watch her closely, won't you?”

  His eyes meet mine. “Yeah. Will you be fine?” he asks before his eyes dart off to Micaela. I can tell he’s antsy to go to her.

  “Go!” I put a hand on his chest and shove gently.

  He nods and makes his way further into the ocean before diving under.

  Now that I'm no longer needed, I quickly scurry out of the water. Once I'm out, I stand on the sand and raise a hand above my eyes to block the sun as I watch for Caleb and Micaela. I spy them in the distance, and I feel uneasy with how far they are from the beach. They seem comfortable with it. Micaela shrieks as Caleb dives at her, and I can hear their laughter drifting back to me.

  Now that she's in good hands, I turn and walk back to the blanket. After I'm settled, I drink some water and pull out my box of Milk Dud's. I snack on candy as I watch them play in the water. Caleb's really good with her, and I can’t help but think he'll make a good father one day. That man has more patience than probably ten people put together.

  It feels good to be here today. Rarely do I ever feel this sense of contentment. The ocean has me relaxing, but I think it's the company. Caleb seems to always be upbeat, and Micaela's excitement today has brushed off on me.

  After a while, Micaela comes running dripping wet out of the water as Caleb continues to swim lazily in the ocean. She drops down on the towel next to mine, looking exhausted but pleased. “Caleb's going to swim for a bit,” she announces.

  “Want one?” I tilt the box of Milk Dud's at her.

  “Oooh, I haven't had these in forever.” She lets me pour several in her hand and she grins. “Thanks!”

  I give her a couple minutes to relax before I approach a subject I am dreading. But I know it has to be done, and that's why Caleb's stalling in the ocean. Micaela seems to feel connected to me, just as I feel connected to her. This is our chance for some private girl time.

  “Caleb told me you lost your father recently. I hope it's okay that he shared that with me,” I say lightly as I watch her expression.

  Micaela stiffens, and I wonder if maybe I've made a mistake. Today is supposed to be all about her having fun. She chews her thumbnail now and stares out at the ocean, her eyes avoiding mine. I can feel the anguish rolling off her in waves.

  I draw in a deep breath before saying, “I was in a car accident with my twin brother three years ago. He died.”

  Her head turns back to me, and she stares at me wide-eyed. Her lips part slightly. “You...” She swallows.

  My eyes burn, and I push the tears back, because this isn't about me. This is about her. “Yeah. It's really hard when you lose someone. It's...” Words fail me. There is no word that effectively describes the depth of grief experienced when a loved one dies.

  Micaela gets it though, and her eyes fill with tears. “I miss him so much, Zoey. I go home every day and expect to see him.”

  “I know, sweetie. It's the hardest thing to do in life, to move on when someone dies. Trust me, I know better than anyone else.” I hold her gaze as I speak. “I made a lot of mistakes these past three years. Done some stupid things. Everyone grieves differently, but I hope you know that Caleb will always be there for you and I will too, if you want me to be.”

  She nods tentatively. “I'd like that.”

  “How is your mom dealing with it?” I ask cautiously.

  Micaela looks away, her eyes darkening. “She's taking it hard.”

  “Do you talk to her about it?”

  “No.” She shakes her head and reaches for the box of Milk Dud's.

  “Who do you talk to when you need someone?” I pick up the box of candy when she's finished and steal a few.

  “Caleb.”

  “Caleb's easy to talk to, isn't he?” I murmur lightly.

  She nods, still not looking at me.

  “Have you talked to your school counselor?”

  “Once.”

  “Do you like the counselor at school?”

  “He's nice. I like Caleb better, though.” She looks up and gives me a small smile. “He always makes time for me.”

  “He's pretty nice,” I agree. “But, I think it might help if you spoke with your counselor, too. It doesn't have to be just with Caleb. Honey, you accept help where you can get it. Trust me, I pushed everyone away, and it was the worst thing I could do at the time.”

  Her eyes search mine. “Does it get easier, Zoey?”

  My breath hitches in my chest. Am I really sitting here, trying to counsel a child that is grieving, when I can't even deal with my own grief? For me, it's only gotten worse, but I can't tell her that. I try to be as honest as I can, because she deserves it. “It's always going to be hard, Micaela. You're going to wake up every day and think of him. But one day, I think those memories will bring you peace. Sometimes mine do when I have a good dream of Micah.” It's not very often, but once in a great while, I will feel a brief sense of peace after I dream of him. Almost as if he was visiting me, giving me a piece of himself even though he's not here anymore.

  “I dream of him,” Micaela admits as she studies me. “I feel better when I talk about him to Caleb.”

  “Talk about him as much as you can then. Remember him and all those good times.”

  She nods.

  “Would you like my phone number? If you ever need anything, I'd like you to call me.”

  “I'd like that, Zoey.”

  Chapter Fifteen

  The advice I'd given Micaela haunts me for the next few days. I'm such a hypocrite. I give an eleven-year-old advice that I can't even adhere to myself. God, I feel like my emotions are all over the place tonight. There's the part of me that wants to ignore it all and numb myself with alcohol, so I can brush it off until I'm ready to deal with it. Then there's the logical side that tells me that if I'm aware that I've handled my grief badly—that I need to fix it before it gets worse—then I need to brace myself and just do what I've been avoiding.

  I don't know what to do. Would talking about Micah really help? Would it begin to heal me? Or has my grief the past three years poisoned me in some way? I mean look at what I've done to Ace, AJ, and Jeremy. I pushed them away but used them at the same time. I've been selfish.

  Someone bumps into me, and I am pulled back to the present. It's another weekend, another party, another beer. It's all starting to merge together into one sick cycle. It's what you do when you're in college. You party and drink. But toss in my issues, and I know none of this is doing me any good. If anything, it fucks with my mind even more. The alcohol and the hangovers, they’re all I seem to do. Remember shit, get drunk, puke my guts out fr
om a hangover, go to the next party, drink all my problems away, and then back with my head in the toilet the following morning.

  As my eyes flicker around the party, I consider leaving. I drove my car here after all. I want to drink more tonight, but I've restricted myself to one beer. I'm learning that myself plus alcohol equals me doing stupid stuff. And after the confrontation with the guys this week, I'd felt like proving to them that I do have my head on straight sometimes.

  Plus, I didn't like how they'd been hovering tonight, even before we'd left for the party. I'd known they were going to stick to me like glue this evening, and I'd finally gone off on them about an hour ago. I told them that if they were going to act like damn babysitters, I was going home. That the next party I go to, I'd go alone. That did the trick.

  Ace was somewhere in the condo with a pretty brunette. Or they might have left. With Ace, I'm guessing he hurried her back to his place. Jeremy had disappeared about thirty minutes ago, while Caleb had been pulled away by some guys he knew from his classes. AJ wasn't with us, because he has a date with a girl he's been seeing the past few weeks. Jake, Dillon, and Charlie are here tonight as well, but I'm not in the mood to be around them, either.

  So I'd gone off to do my own thing. Danced with some guys—check. Drank some beer—check. Made polite chit chat with some girls near the bathroom—check.

  I'm bored.

  Maybe I'd go down to the beach for a while and get some fresh air. The guy that puts on these parties does a fairly good job of keeping the party going well into the night, but I'm moody tonight. With my beer in hand, I walk towards the back of the condo where the kitchen is. There's a set of glass doors that lead out onto a patio.

  “Hey, Zoey,” a familiar voice says tentatively.

  I look up to see Ashley. She's in the kitchen holding a bottle of Smirnoff. She looks classy in her pretty flowery sun dress; her blonde hair perfectly styled around her face. I suddenly feel like a total frump in my tank and shorts.

  “Hi,” I say lightly as I try to remember my manners. Frankly, I'm a little annoyed. I'd apologized to her at Grendel's, but that doesn't mean I want to be friendly with her. I want to put that chapter of my life behind me.

  Ashely smiles a bit nervously at me. “Micah's anniversary is coming up, and some of us are meeting at his burial site for a memorial that day. We'd really like for you to come.”

  All the blood in my veins turn to ice. “You keep in touch with Micah's friends?”

  She nods. “We put together a memorial every year. I wanted to invite you the first year but...just the sight of me seemed to upset you. I'm sorry the invitation is coming a little late, but we'd love to have you join us.”

  “Um, I need some time to think it over.”

  “Sure. It's at five next Friday.”

  “Okay, thanks.”

  She smiles and disappears into the crowd.

  I stand there numbly in the kitchen, unable to move. They do a memorial in honor of my brother every year. I haven't even gone to his grave site since the funeral. I haven't once gone to visit him in the three years that he’s been dead. I have done nothing to keep his memory alive. I suddenly feel cold and alone. I feel ashamed. He'd saved me, and I have pretty much spit on his memory, turning my back on him and life in general. Because I'm not really living. I know that. I go through the motions, but my heart isn't into it.

  It hurts.

  My chest aches, and once again I turn back to old habits. They say old habits die hard, I would have to agree. Several shots later, I'm feeling the effects of the alcohol and the pain is beginning to ease. I'm still in the kitchen, sticking close to the alcohol when Caleb finds me.

  “Hey, there you are,” he says as he walks up, a friendly smile on his face.

  “Hey there, Cowboy.”

  His smile fades as his eyes take in my flushed face and slightly glazed eyes. “You're drunk.”

  “Well, aren't you observant. You should know by now that getting piss ass drunk is what I'm best at,” I say with a hint of sarcasm.

  Concern darkens his face. “Zoey, I think maybe I should take you home,” he says carefully.

  Before I can reply, his gorgeous blonde girlfriend approaches. She pushes right in front of me so that she can face Caleb, her well-manicured hand touching his chest in a proprietorial way as she looks up at him. “Caleb, I need your help.”

  “Not right now, Anya,” he says almost curtly as he tries to peer at me from over her head.

  “Gina's high on something, and she's about to do something really stupid. She won't listen to me.”

  “What?” he asks, his eyes now completely focused on Anya.

  I slip away easily while he’s distracted, making my way through the crowd to the patio doors. I slip outside, dodge the people standing around, and walk down to the beach. The fresh night air feels good against my heated skin, and I walk along the sand. My sandals hinder me, and I kick them off before they can cause me to fall flat on my face. It's a long walk to where the water pushes up on the sand, and once I get there, I stare out at the glittering water. The moon is bright tonight, and the sound of the waves is soothing. I don't know why, but I suddenly feel a sense of peace and the ocean beckons to me.

  I'm drunk, which is probably why the water looks so inviting when yesterday I'd been frightened of it. The weirdest feeling sweeps through me. I want to go in the water. Not far enough to drown, but the fact that I could makes the idea just that much more enticing. It's exhilarating knowing I could join Micah in a heartbeat.

  I take my clothes off and toss them away distractedly. When I stand there in nothing but my bra and lacy thong, I walk towards the water with a sense of determination. The world is hazy but peaceful as I numb myself to all the stuff I don't want to think about. As I walk into waves, the water pushes at my ankles and I weave slightly on my feet. God, I'm wasted. I'll have to be careful. I'm not trying to kill myself here. I just want...

  What the fuck do I want?

  Hell if I know.

  An arm slips around my waist, yanking me backwards. A startled scream escapes me as my feet kick pathetically while I try to scramble away. Someone curses as my legs tangle with jean-clad ones, then we're tipping over. We hit the ground hard as a wave washes over me and my assailant. I gasp at the coldness of the water as it drenches me from head to toe.

  I hear a familiar voice curse as I'm hauled to my feet, and a second later I'm dragged up on the beach and set on my ass. Someone sits down behind me, strong arms wrapping around my upper body. His scent is familiar, and my body recognizes the hard, muscular chest my back now rests against.

  Caleb.

  A new sense of peace comes over me, and I sigh softly, letting my body relax into him as I stare out at the waves. Now this is nice. I don't care that I'm dripping wet or that I'm getting sand up my ass.

  Caleb's slightly roughened cheek rests against mine. “I know you're frightened of the water. Where's your head at tonight, Zoey? Why would you try to go out there?” he asks me calmly.

  I snuggle closer, my earlier angst forgotten as I let my head drop back to his shoulder. I smile almost dreamily. “Death's everywhere, you know.”

  His body stiffens slightly against my back. “Is that what you were doing? Were you hoping to die?”

  “Don't be a dumbass. I'm not suicidal,” I mutter indignantly as I struggle against him. What a dumb question!

  His arms tighten around me as he says, “You're drunk, Zoey. You shouldn't be anywhere near the water in this kind of state.”

  “I just wanted to feel the water. I wasn't going to let it take me,” I say defensively. My irritation fades, because he feels so good. I can't help but turn my cheek and nuzzle his throat. His skin is warm, and he smells delicious.

  “Why are you out here?” I feel him brush aside the damp hair near my temple and place a tender kiss there.

  “I'm angry,” I whisper.

  “Why are you so angry tonight?”

  “I'm angry at mys
elf,” I mumble. My eyelids are getting heavy, and I'm suddenly really tired. All I want to do is close my eyes and escape reality for a while.

  “And why would you be angry with yourself?”

  My eyes flicker shut, and I want to be done with this conversation. “I want to go home. Will you drop me off?” My voice is beginning to slur, and I know I'm about ready to pass out. I can feel it, and I'm so ready to clock out for a while.

  “I think you'd be better off at my place tonight,” I hear him say, but his tone seems off somehow. Like he's concerned or something.

  “No,” I protest, knowing I need to stay far away from this man if I want to protect my heart. “You're hers. Better off staying away from you.”

  “Do you want me to be yours?” he asks softly.

  A resigned sigh escapes me. “I'm too crazy for the likes of you. You'd run and never look back.”

  “Zoey—”

  “I wanna leave,” I interrupt as I struggle to sit up, my eyes opening again as I fight off the effects of the alcohol. I don't want to talk to him anymore.

  “That's fine,” Caleb assures. “But your mood is unsettling, and I'm taking you back to my place until you snap out of it. Where's your clothes?”

  “Back that way somewhere,” I say, waving a hand in the general direction.

  “Stay here, and I'll get them,” he orders as he carefully eases away from me. When he's satisfied I can sit on my own, he walks away.

  I stare out at the ocean for a moment before I lie back in the sand as I stare up at the dancing stars. They're so pretty tonight. I swear they're winking at me.

  ~*~

  Holy shit. Someone's got a jackhammer or something, and they are intent on bashing my head in. I groan, and even the sound of my voice has my head pounding even more—if that's even possible. I try not to move as I suffer through the headache. That's when I realize I'm naked. Wait—not completely. I think I have something on. A tee-shirt, maybe? But it's hiked up, leaving me naked below the waist.