I'm left standing there, mouth agape as I watch him speak into his phone. This is it. I pushed him away one too many times, and now he's done with me. I feel numb with this realization.
Caleb walks back a second later, and he stands before me, his expression oddly devoid of emotion. “There's a cab on its way. You can choose to party yourself into oblivion, or you can go home, sober up, and figure out where you're headed. Are you going to live or throw your life away?”
“I...” Words fail me. There's this unbridgeable chasm between us, and I feel like I'm floundering here, unable to grasp the entirety of the situation unfolding before me.
“You're fucking scared. We all are at one point or another. You need to figure out if you're going to face that fear or if you're going to allow it to keep controlling you. Only you can make that decision.”
“Caleb...”
He shakes his head. “Good night, Zoey,” he says curtly before he turns and walks away.
I stand on the front lawn by myself, staring after him as he walks down the sidewalk. I watch as he climbs into his car down the block, and then he’s gone.
This is it.
Caleb is walking away from me for good.
It would be easier if I turned away and went back into the party. To go back to the numbness of alcohol. To ignore the feelings that he's unleashed deep within me. God, I feel like such a colossal failure.
There's a restriction in my throat, and it's hard to swallow past it as I try to make sense of my thoughts. The only thing that keeps echoing in my head, is the fact that my corrupting tendencies have finally pushed away the only good thing to happen to me in years. With that revelation comes fear. Fear that I've messed up too greatly to ever make things right.
My breath catches with that thought.
There it is.
I want to make things right with Caleb. I can't let it end this way. I'd rather try than allow him to walk away from me, leaving me to wonder if we could have worked out all our issue. What if...he's the one I've unknowingly been waiting for? I know he's the light to my darkness. I knew that from the start, back when he was able to bring me out of my nightmares with just his voice alone. What if he's the key to my healing process? With him beside me, I feel like I can overcome anything. He's the one who has me believing that I can face this disorder. That I can do something about it. I've just been too frightened to admit it.
I'm not sure how long I've been standing there, but when a cab pulls up to the curb, I realize with sudden clarity what I need to do. I walk to the cab and climb in. I give him the apartment complex address, and instead of going up to the second floor, I go up to the fourth.
Will he be home? Will he give me a second chance? And maybe a third, fourth, and fifth chance when needed? Because let’s face it, I screw things up on a daily basis. I stand outside his door for what feels like an eternity before I work up the nerve to lightly knock. I fidget as I wait.
The door opens, and Caleb stands there, surprise written clear across his face as he stares at me. “Zoey?”
“I'm not running anymore,” I say nervously. “I want you in my life.”
His eyes search mine. “As a friend?” he asks quietly.
I shake my head.
“More?” he asks deliberately.
I nod.
“Say it,” he orders.
My brows furrow. “Do I have to?”
His eyes are full of unbendable steel. “It's time for you to be the one to put yourself out there. I'm not doing it for you.”
“Okay, I want to try,” I say in a quick rush. “But we really need to talk, because I don't think you realize what you're getting yourself into.”
He suddenly breaks into a smirk. “Oh, I know. Trust me, I've gone over it in my head plenty of times, and all the answers keep leading me right back to you.” He holds out a hand to me and waits for me to accept it.
My eyes meet his, and I slowly place my hand in his, allowing him to lead me into his apartment. He shuts the door firmly before drawing me into his arms and hugging me tightly to him. I slip my arms around his shoulders and bury my face in his neck as I inhale his scent. All my fear and anxiety fades as I relax against him.
He gently eases me away and tugs me over to the couch. “Let's do this talking that you mentioned.” I nod, and we sit down next to each other. He turns to face me, his eyes serious. “Lay it all out there for me. All your doubts, the fear, everything you're feeling. I want to hear it.”
I try to pull my thoughts together. My thought process is usually random and scattered. I don't want to confuse him, and I want to try to explain myself clearly, so I take my time thinking over how to start this conversation. I look at him, and I feel oddly uncertain. “Are you sure? That I'm what you want? Because Cara really hurt you, and I am going to be honest here, I'm probably not the best person to put your faith in when it comes to a relationship. I've only been in one, and I was a teenager at the time. Caleb, I'm going to screw up,” I say bluntly.
“So am I,” he says simply. “Relationships are rarely perfect, Zoey. We'll figure it out as we go along. But I will tell you this, I don't share,” he warns. “If we're going to do this, it's just you and me. No one else. I won't walk away from you, I will always work with you on our issues, but if you cheat on me, I'm done. I don't care if it's two weeks from now or three years down the road, I won't share, and I will walk away if you do that to me.”
Yep, my eyes mimic saucers as they widen. Three years down the road? He's that serious about me?
“What did I say to put that expression on your face?”
“You said three years.”
“And?” He looks genuinely puzzled.
“I just...you could see this thing with me as long term?” I ask curiously.
“You wouldn't be sitting here if I didn't.”
Oh. I guess that answers my question as to how serious he is about me. The fact that he's thinking long term has me relaxing slightly.
Caleb reaches out and rubs his thumb gently across my bottom lip, his blue eyes watching mine intently. “What else is going on behind those eyes?”
“I have a lot of issues. I can't help the way I feel sometimes. The doubt. The fear. This thing between us kind of scares me,” I say honestly.
“It scares me, too.”
“It does?”
“Yeah. I thought I loved Cara, but the thing is, I already feel so much more for you than I ever felt for her. You're so worried I'm going to hurt you, but you have the same power over me as well. We both could end up hurt, but this isn't something I can walk away from.”
“You walked away tonight,” I point out.
He smiles crookedly. “I told myself on that front lawn that I was done with you. But by the time I walked through the door of my place, I was already cursing myself for being too hasty with that decision.”
“You really think this could work between us?” I have to ask.
“Yeah, I do.”
“I'm not easy to be around,” I feel the need to point out. “I know what you're thinking. That once I start dealing with this disorder, I'll change and become a better person—”
“Shh.” His lips press gently against mine, effectively shutting me up. I wait for him to kiss me further, but he doesn't. He pulls back slightly and looks at me seriously. “Zoey, I'm falling for the woman you already are. I like your honesty and boldness. I like that you challenge me. I don't want someone I can walk all over.”
I shake my head. “You say that now, but I say stuff out of anger. Hurtful things. They don't call me Poison for no reason.”
“Then poison me sweetly.”
“What?” I ask with confusion.
He smiles. “Say what you have to say, but then follow it up with a kiss. Or damn good make up sex. Have you forgotten I like it when you're riled up? Sparky, I love your fire. We'll figure things out as we go along.” He leans in and kisses me gently, but pulls back again before it can deepen. “Anything else you're d
oubting?”
I shake my head. I think we covered it all.
“Good.” He slaps my thigh playfully. “Off to bed you go.”
“With you?” I can’t resist asking hopefully.
“You've been drinking, and I'm not taking advantage of that. Whatever else needs to be said can wait until morning. And let's just wait a couple days on sex, all right? I don't want you thinking that's all I care about.”
“Please tell me you're joking,” I say with disbelief. We've basically got the green light to have as much sex as we want now that we're officially together. And he wants to wait?
“I wish,” he says soberly. “The reality is, you have a lot going on right now that needs to be addressed. If I get you in bed, that's all I'm going to want to do for a full week straight.”
“I'm okay with that.”
Caleb groans. “Go to bed. We'll talk more in the morning before classes.”
I stand up, and then I look down at him and give him an odd look. “I didn't feel anything when he kissed me. I was thinking of you.”
He rises to his feet and looks pleased. “Good to know,” he says as he puts a hand on my hip and leans down to kiss me gently on the lips. I part my lips, wanting more, but he ends the kiss and I give him a look of minor irritation. When had our roles reversed? He's usually the one who wants to jump me while I'm the one who holds back. With a resigned sigh, I turn to walk towards the apartment door, but Caleb's arm loops around my waist, hauling me back up to him. “Just where do you think you're going?”
I look up at him, confused by the gleam in his eyes. “Back to my apartment.”
“No way in hell,” he says firmly with a crooked smile. “You just finally admitted you're all mine, and I’ve decided I'm not letting you out of my sight. You know where my bedroom is,” he says, gently nudging me in the direction of the hallway that leads to his room.
“But you said...”
“That we're not having sex tonight,” he finishes. “I didn't say anything about not holding you.”
~*~
Okay, so maybe I can get used to this whole relationship thing if I can wake up every morning in Caleb's arms. The doubts I'd had last night are non-existent this morning. It's as if now that I've given in and agreed to be with him, the stress of admitting my feelings has faded. I feel oddly at peace with my decision.
“Morning,” Caleb murmurs, his bare chest vibrating beneath my cheek slightly.
I can't help but smile. He'd gone to bed wearing the only pair of pajama bottoms he owns while I'd worn one of his shirts. It had ridden up during the night, and his warm hand is planted firmly on my panty-clad ass. His morning hard-on is pressing against my thigh, and I'm tempted to tease him by rubbing against him. I wonder if some morning sex is a possibility.
“Morning,” I say as I debate whether or not he'd cave to my wants.
“I like waking up with you in my arms.”
“Mmhmm,” I agree.
“Second thoughts?” he asks me lightly.
“Nope.”
“Good.” His hand leaves my butt and slides up my back beneath the shirt, rubbing my bare skin lightly. “Have you given the PTSD much thought?” he asks in a careful tone.
My horny urges disappear. Instead of answering right away, I study his chest as I trace a nail gently along his pectoral muscle while I chew my bottom lip. “I have,” I confess. “I need to see someone, but I just haven't gotten around to setting up an appointment.”
“How about today. I'll even go with you, if you'd like,” he offers.
My head immediately lifts as I peer at him. “You would?”
His eyes hold mine steadily. “Yes. If you want me to.”
“I do,” I breathe with relief. “I'm kind of scared.”
He reaches out and gently brushes my hair away from my forehead. “It's okay to be scared.”
I stare at him before I smile slightly. “Sometimes I feel like a different person when I'm with you.”
“How so?”
I shrug. “I feel like I can breathe easier. It doesn't hurt as much.”
A gentle smile spreads across his lips, and he reaches up and pulls my head towards his.
“Ew! I have morning breath!” I exclaim as I try to pull back.
“So do I. Deal with it,” he says as his lips close over mine.
~*~
When I find Caleb waiting for me after my Design Drafting class, I manage to restrain myself from jumping in his arms. He gives me a smile that makes my toes curl as he slips his arm around my waist. I relax into his side as we leave the building.
“How's Micaela?” I ask lightly as I adjust my backpack over my left shoulder.
“I haven't heard from her in a couple days. She calls the center on the nights I'm working, so I'm sure she'll check in tonight,” he says as we walk towards the quad.
“Do you think there's any way I could drop by and talk to her mom?” I look up at him to watch his reaction.
Caleb’s brows pull together. “Not a good idea, Zoey. You'd have to come up with a back story, and then Micaela will get dragged into the lies as well. Let's not add to her stress.”
“I just want to help.”
This causes Caleb to pause as he faces me, and he seems to choose his words carefully. “I know. Let's just wait it out and see if Micaela's mother snaps out of it all on her own. If nothing has changed a few months down the road, we'll put our heads together and see if there's something we can do to salvage the situation.”
I gaze up at him sadly. “She needs her mom right now more than ever. Look at what happened with me. The kind of resentment that I'm sure Micaela's developing is something that will stick with her for a long, long time.”
He squeezes my waist reassuringly. “We won't let it get that far.”
“Promise?”
“Promise,” he assures before we continue walking to the quad. We immediately spot Ace, Jeremy, and most of the others sprawled out on the lawn near a tree. “You okay with our relationship being out in the open?” Caleb asks me, his gaze watchful as he studies me. “Because I don't want to hide that you're mine. But if you need time to adjust...”
My eyes roll. “I'm done running, Caleb.”
“Good.”
We approach them and Ace glances up at me coolly. “Well, if it isn't our little lush,” he says a bit sarcastically.
I shoot him a look, because he's still angry with me over Friday's incident. Evidently, sitting silently for twenty minutes while he railed at me about no more alcohol, ever, wasn't enough to soothe his anger towards me. And seriously, twenty minutes of silence on my part is dang hard to pull off! Before I can reply, Caleb grabs me around the waist and sits down on the grass, pulling me onto his lap.
The conversation around us comes to an abrupt halt.
“No way,” Dillon says as he stares at me and Caleb.
Ace suddenly grins. “So it's like that now, eh?”
“Yep,” I say as I settle my butt more comfortably on Caleb's lap, which means I'm rubbing up against his crotch. This elicits a soft groan from behind me, and I can't help but smirk. Being naughty with Caleb is going to be tons of fun.
Jeremy clears his throat and pushes a book in his backpack. “I gotta get to class.” His gaze settles on mine and he smiles, but it doesn't reach his eyes. “Glad you guys got it finally figured out. Catch you all later,” he says to the rest of the group before he lithely rises to his feet and walks off in the direction of the Liberal Arts buildings.
I stare after him. I'm getting the sense that something seems 'off' with him.
“So, our little Z is officially off the market,” Bev says with a smile.
Caleb rests his chin on my shoulder. “That she is.”
Jake snorts. “I give it two weeks tops.”
“I find you betting on our relationship, and you and I are going to have issues,” Caleb warns as he lifts his chin from my shoulder, an ominous tone in his voice.
I know exactly
what he's thinking. We have a long road ahead of us, and the last thing we need is these dickheads betting on when it'll all fall apart.
Jake throws his hands in the air in surrender. “Christ. I'm just sayin' this is Zoey we're talking about here. She doesn't do commitment.”
“Shut your pie hole, Jake,” Ace says, shaking his head.
Charlie tosses a crumpled up napkin at Jake's head. “I just saw Alisha headed the other way. Weren't you looking for her earlier?”
Jake immediately scans the quad with interest. “Yeah. Let's book it.”
We watch as Jake and Charlie take off with Dillon trailing behind.
“He's such a douche,” Bev says shaking her head.
Ace snickers. “If he's such a douche, why'd you fuck him last weekend?”
My nose wrinkles. “Oh Bev, tell me you didn't.”
“I was tanked.”
“Was it good?” I can't resist asking.
“Honestly, I don't even remember it,” she laughs.
Caleb snorts from behind me. “It was bad then.”
I turn slightly and peer at him teasingly. “I don't remember the night I cuffed you to my bed,” I point out.
“We didn't get far enough that night. If we had, you would have definitely remembered it in the morning,” he says arrogantly.
I just shake my head.
“Congrats, you two,” Bev says to us as she rises to her feet. “I'm out. Later,” she says to Ace before she takes off.
“That's my cue. All that lovey-dovey shit radiating off you guys is making me nauseous,” Ace says as he grabs his stuff and takes off as well.
“Hmm. I didn't even get to this part yet,” Caleb says as his lips brush the side of my neck, his teeth nibbling lightly.
I shiver in his arms and carefully turn to face him so that I'm straddling him. We both groan in unison as our bodies align. I wrap my arms around his neck and lean in close to brush my lips against his. “Tell me we're having sex tonight,” I say in a throaty voice as I rock my body against his.
“I work at the crisis center.”
Poison Me Sweetly (Long Beach Series Book 1) Page 25