“So come over afterwards.”
“It'll be too late.”
I give him a pouty look. “I'm yours as long as you keep me happy. And I mean really, really happy,” I warn.
“I see lots of orgasms in your future,” he says with a wicked grin.
My eyes narrow. “There better be. I want none of that dominating 'you can't orgasm until I say' shit you pulled the last time.”
“We'll see.”
“Caleb,” I warn.
His eyes shift, and now he looks oddly serious. “How are you feeling about this afternoon?” he asks as he switches the topic.
“I'm nervous,” I say, referring to the doctor's appointment I have after my last class of the day.
“I know. But it's the first step, and I'm proud of you, Sparky,” he says as his gaze settles into mine.
My gaze flickers away from his as I feel sudden anxiety building within me.
“Hey, talk to me,” Caleb urges as he catches my chin gently and forces me to look at him.
“I don't want the others to know. Especially Dillon, Jake, and Charlie,” I tell him.
“About your appointment?”
I nod. “And if I have to take pills and shit. I just want to keep it on the down low.”
“That's understandable. It's not really anyone's business but your own. I do think you should tell Ace, Jeremy, and AJ though. I think they'll be relieved to know that you're getting help.”
“Maybe.”
“They won't treat you any differently whether the doc confirms you're suffering from PSTD or not. Is that what you're worried about?” he asks as he studies me.
I shrug. Before he can say anything else, my phone breaks the brief silence, and I pull it out of the front pocket of my backpack. I stiffen up on his lap when I see it's my parents.
“Who is it?” Caleb asks immediately.
I show him the screen.
“You need to talk to them sooner or later. They need to know everything you've kept from them, and I think you'll feel better getting it off your chest,” he tells me.
“I don't want to talk to them. It's a little too late to be wanting my attention when I needed theirs three years ago.” I shove the phone back in my bag.
“It's never too late when it comes to your parents, Zoey.”
I glare at him. “Easy for you to say. You're not the one in my shoes, feeling what I'm feeling. If it happened to you, you wouldn't be brushing it off.”
“I'm not brushing it off—”
“I'm not so easily fixed, Caleb,” I cut in as I climb off his lap and rise to my feet, my bag gripped in my hand. “Next thing you know, you'll be suggesting I go visit Micah's grave as well, as if it's going to magically make everything better. Make me better.”
Caleb jumps to his feet and grabs my hand to keep me from running off. “Hey, you're not being fair,” he says in a carefully controlled voice. “If any of this was easy, I wouldn't have busted my ass the past few weeks simply trying to get you to talk to me. I get you're scared about the appointment, but don't take it out on me, okay?” he says lightly.
I chew my lip and realize I just went off on him out for no reason. “I'm sorry. I just feel a little on edge.”
“I know,” he says as he draws me into his arms. “Just know that I'm trying to support you, not fix you,” he says as he kisses my temple.
I pull back and look at him warily. “I told you I say stuff when I get upset.”
“Sparky, that was nothing. Quit worrying.”
~*~
“You've been awfully quiet since we left the clinic,” Caleb says to me as we enter my apartment early that evening.
“Just lost in thought.” I set our fast food bags on the counter top and go to a cupboard to grab some paper plates.
“I get you have a lot going on, but I don't want to be left feeling like I've been shut out.”
The way he says it has me pausing as I set the paper plates on the counter top. He's just standing there, watching me and looking frustrated. “I'm not shutting you out,” I deny.
He gives me a look that says otherwise. “You've said one sentence to me since we walked out of the clinic and that was, 'Sure, I could use a burger'.”
Oh. I guess he has a point. I sigh, grab the bags, and start pulling out our burgers and fries. “I'm not good at sharing my feelings. I told you that.”
“You don't have to share what you're feeling. I just want you to talk to me, not give me the silent treatment.”
My hands go still, then I stop what I’m doing. I walk over to him and slip my arms around his neck, my eyes serious as I look up at him. “I'm sorry. I wasn't aware I was ignoring you.” His eyes search mine. “Work in progress, remember?” I say as I remind him of our earlier conversation on the way to the clinic. He’d told me to go into the appointment with an open mind and not to expect results over night once I start dealing with my issues. This was going to a long process, a work in progress of sorts, as he put it.
His lip tilts up slightly in the corner. “I hear you.”
“I'm starved.”
“Me too. Let's eat before it goes cold,” he agrees.
We sit down on the stools at the counter and begin to eat. My eyes shift to the white pharmacy bag on the counter near my purse. The doctor definitely thinks I'm suffering from PTSD and depression. He prescribed anti-depressants, and on Thursday I'm supposed to meet with one of the therapist's he's recommended.
I scowl.
The doctor also said my medication and alcohol don't mix, and I'm to stay away from liquor while I'm on the anti-depressants. He just took away the one crutch I've always relied on to get me through the tough times.
“Hey,” Caleb says, breaking into my dark thoughts.
I tear my gaze away from the pharmacy bag to find that Caleb is watching me. My lips flatten slightly as I push away my plate and reach for my soda. “I'm not supposed to drink alcohol. At all,” I say sourly as I sip from my straw, trying not to feel annoyed over the situation.
Caleb reaches down and squeezes my thigh. “The alcohol never did anything to help you, Zoey. Your drinking was part of the problem,” he points out.
“I know, but...” I push aside the soda and face him. “Partying is what we do in college. That's all I ever do, and now I'm not supposed to go out drinking? How am I going to explain that to the guys?”
“They'll understand.”
“But...”
He reaches out and catches a hold of my chin between his thumb and forefinger. The glint in his eye makes my body warm in certain places. “I'm going to keep you so busy that you're not going to want to be out partying and drinking.”
I arch an eyebrow. “So you're just going to keep me flat on my back in your bed twenty-four-seven?”
“Not a bad idea,” he concedes with a chuckle. “But I was also thinking more along the lines that we'd go out and do some stuff together between all that sex. Like dates and whatnot. There's a lot that Long Beach has to offer.” He releases my chin and looks at me questioningly. “When was the last time you went on an actual date?”
“Hmm.” I shrug. “Try never. I don't think Alex, my only ex-boyfriend, ever took me out.”
“Well, looks like we've got three or four years to make up for.”
I can't help but smile at him as I stand up and start cleaning up our paper plates and empty wrappers. Caleb rises to his feet and helps me clean up before we settle on the couch.
I'm about to slide over onto his lap to heat things up a bit when Caleb gives me a wary look. “Can I ask you a question without you getting mad at me?”
That doesn't sound good. I look at him warily. “I can't promise you a reaction if I don't know the question.”
He nods. “True. You brought up Micah's grave today at the quad,” he says, his eyes watchful now.
“I did,” I agree as I wait to see where he's going with this.
“That was all you. I haven't brought it up since that night you had that nightmare and c
onfided in me.”
I begin to tense up warily. “What are you getting at?”
“I think you want to go to his grave. I think you've wanted to for a while now, but you stay away, because you feel like he wouldn't want to see you. You pretty much admitted it yourself. You said you feel ashamed for all the things you've done.”
I look away and study the coffee table.
“I can tell it's eating away at you that you don't go see him. This isn't me trying to fix you, Zoey, but do you want to go out to Pasadena together? I'll go with you so you're not on your own, if that'll help. If you need to go to his grave, if you want to go to his grave, I think you should. I think you need it, but that’s for you to decide. These are just things that I think I've noticed, but I could be wrong. And if I'm wrong than I'm wrong. I mean no pressure, all right?”
My heart thuds in my chest at the thought of going to Micah's grave site. I can feel a sense of longing within me, but I also feel that shame that he mentioned. “I want to...” I say faintly.
“But?” he prods gently.
I turn my head and look at him sadly. “I don't know if I can. I've stayed away for so long. The Micah that sometimes visits me, I can see the disappointment in his eyes when he speaks to me. I know I'm making him up in my mind, I get that. But I think the real Micah, wherever he is, I think he's disappointed in me as well,” I say as my mouth turns down.
Caleb moves to sit closer to me as he draws me to his side, his lips pressing against the crown of my head. “I think he's more disappointed that you're not moving on than anything else. Life is all about mistakes. No one's perfect.”
I cuddle into his side, enjoying his warmth and the feel of his arm around me. “I guess things are changing,” I admit as I trace a design on his jean-clad thigh. “I can talk about him a little more now without breaking down. I know I need to start facing these things. Including his grave.” I bite my lip and ask, “You'd really go there with me?”
“Yes.”
My eyes close as I process what I'm feeling. I almost destroyed myself this weekend, because I'd been running from everything I've been feeling for so long. If I'm going to get better, I need to do the things that I've put off for way too long. “Maybe tomorrow?” I whisper, my voice almost too faint to be heard. The minute the suggestion is out of my mouth, I want to take it back, but I won't. I told Caleb this morning that I wasn't running anymore. I need to try to make things better for myself. And that means facing one of my greatest fears from the past three years.
“My last class is at four. Does that work for you?” he asks, his tone deliberately light.
“Yeah.” Now that I've agreed to it, I am desperate to take my mind off it. I lift my head and look up at him with renewed interest. “You mentioned you have a bunch of cousins. Are you close to them?”
He doesn't seem surprised by the sudden change of topic. “Some of them. I have fifteen, and nine of them are close to my age. What about you? Any cousins?”
I shake my head. “My parents were both the only child in their family. We never had any big family functions or anything.”
Caleb chuckles. “You're in for it with my family. Things get pretty intense when we all get together. It's not very often, but when it happens, you'd be wise to stick close to me.”
“Why? What'll happen?” I ask curiously.
“The last time Dirk brought a girlfriend with to one of our family gatherings, she was caught behind the barn with Brayden—without her panties on,” he muses.
“Seriously?” I snicker.
“Yep,” he says with a laugh. “Dirk and Brayden went at it until Dirk had a broken nose and Brayden's arm was broken.”
“Then what happened?”
“While they got drunk together, I was kind enough to take the poor girl home.”
I shake my head and laugh. “I highly doubt you have to worry about me losing my panties behind the barn. Unless I'm with you,” I say mischievously.
He grins. “That can be arranged,” he says as he reaches over and tugs me onto his lap so that I'm straddling him.
I wrap my arms around his neck and relax as I grin. “Sounds like you've got a great family.”
“I do. We fight like any other family, but when times get tough, we band together,” he says, and something flickers in his eyes, something dark with a hint of anger.
I pull back slightly and peer at him. “Caleb? What's wrong?”
He reaches up and rubs a hand over his face. “I have a cousin that's going through some real tough stuff right now,” he admits. “I was actually with her for a week before classes started. I wanted to stay longer, but I couldn't miss anything, not with just transferring here to Long Beach.”
“Do you want to talk about it? I mean, if you don't want to, you don't have to,” I quickly add.
“No, that's fine. I don't mind telling you what happened,” he says as he runs a hand through my hair. “My cousin, Faith, she was almost murdered three months ago,” he says tightly.
My eyes go wide with shock. “Oh my God. Is she okay?”
“She's making a full recovery,” he assures. He reaches up and rubs his jaw before shaking his head and giving me a frustrated look. “Turns out, her longtime boyfriend has been abusive for years. They’d been together since she was fourteen. All this time, she didn't tell a damn soul, and when she tried to break up with him this summer, he took a knife to her back. She kept struggling to escape, so he kept stabbing her until she tried lying still. Once the fight left her, he bailed and fled the house—more likely thinking he'd killed her. She managed to get to the phone and call for help before she passed out.”
“That's horrible, Caleb. Why would he do such a thing?”
“If he couldn't have her, no one else could, I guess. Or else he simply wanted to make her pay for not wanting to be with him anymore.” He looks away, his expression angry as he tries to control his emotions. When he turns back to me again, he looks calmer. “Somehow, the fucker managed to miss any important vital organs, and Faith made a full recovery. Her parents have her in counseling and her boyfriend's trial is set for next month.”
I reach out and frame the side of his face with my hand as I gaze at him soberly. “How old is she?”
“Eighteen. She just graduated high school this past spring.”
“That's a lot for someone to have to deal with. How is her family coping with it?”
“They're struggling. Especially her older brother. Faith's his baby sister, so he's still reeling over the fact that she never said one word about the abuse.” He looks at me with confusion. “I don't understand why she didn't tell anyone. This could have all been avoided if she'd told her parents or her brother.”
“Maybe she was worried what you guys would think of her, staying in a relationship like that. Has anyone asked why she kept it to herself for so long?”
“She just says she got used to it. That it just became a way of life for her.” He groans and shakes his head. “She's the sweetest girl, Zoey. She's the type who likes to see goodness in everyone, and he took advantage of that. Now she's just this broken shell of a girl, right now. It's like she's lost, like she doesn't know how to move on.”
“I'm glad she's in counseling and that her parents sound great.” I smile tenderly at him. “It’s good that you were there for her. With so many people that care surrounding her, I think she'll be able to move on when she's ready.”
“You think so?”
I nod. “She needs time to process it all. That's probably what she's doing right now. Give her six months to a year, and she'll be itching to move on. Of course, I've never been in that situation, so I can't know that for sure. But...she's got the support she needs. I think she'll be okay.”
“I hope so,” he says as he pulls me close and buries his head in the crook of my neck. I can't help but run my hands through his hair, massaging his scalp as I try to give him some comfort. “Mm... That feels good,” he says against my throat.
I smile and continue running my hands over his scalp for a couple minutes before allowing them to slide down to his neck, and then to his shoulders. His body relaxes against me as I massage his muscles. Then I feel his head shift slightly and his lips touch my neck. A shiver of awareness sweeps through me as I realize I am straddling his lap, my legs spread. Caleb takes advantage of it as he grabs my hips and pulls me up against his growing erection. A soft moan escapes me and his head lifts, his lips claiming mine. Our lips meld to one another for a brief moment before I open them to allow the kiss to grow more intense. The velvety warmth of his tongue seduces me as I begin to rock against him. I want him so badly. My fingers fumble for the hem of his shirt, and his lips suddenly pull from mine.
I open my eyes with surprise and look at him questioningly. “Why are we stopping?”
Caleb glances at his watch and groans. “No time. I have to get to the center.”
My mouth drops open. “No way! Can you show up late?” I ask hopefully.
He fights back a smile. “No, I can't.”
I slap his shoulder, glaring. “It's not funny! I've been really horny since last night.”
“The wait will be worth it. All the anticipation that's built up will make it even hotter when we hit the sheets,” he informs me.
“It's like the universe is against me having sex,” I grumble as I ease off his lap.
He stands up and leans forward to brush his lips against mine before smiling at me with amusement. “Later, Sparky.”
“Say hi to Micaela for me.”
“I will. See you on campus tomorrow,” he tells me before he leaves and the door shuts behind him.
I sigh loudly in the quietness of my apartment. Now what am I going to do with the rest of the evening? I force myself to work on some homework, and then I find myself walking over to Ace and Jeremy's. Their door is unlocked, so I walk right in as I'm accustomed to doing.
Ace looks up from where he's sitting on the couch, a binder and papers set out before him. He smiles when he sees that it's me. “Hey. I figured you'd be in your room with Caleb, fucking like bunnies,” he teases.
My nose wrinkles as I walk over and fling myself on the other couch. “He's at the center.”
Poison Me Sweetly (Long Beach Series Book 1) Page 26