He shoves his papers into the binder and then tosses it on the coffee table as he gives me his full attention. “So, this thing with Caleb serious?”
“Yeah.”
“Good. I think he's good for you.”
“He is.” I'd dropped by to take Caleb's advice and to tell the guys about my disorder, that I'm getting help for it. But the words don't come that easily, and I find myself hesitating.
“What's wrong?” Ace asks as he studies me.
“Jeremy home?”
“No, he's out.”
I nod. “I can talk to him another time, I guess.” I bite my lip and look at him a bit uncertainly. “Has Caleb mentioned to you what he thought was going on with me?”
Ace's gray eyes search mine. “After you had that really bad nightmare here, he said something to the effect that you might be dealing with post-traumatic stuff from the accident. He made it clear he was just guessing at that point. He seems to understand you, so I figured if he was on to something, he'd bring it to your attention.”
“Well, he did,” I confess.
“Is it what he thought?”
“Yeah. PTSD and depression,” I say softly.
“Are you going to see anyone for it?”
“I already am. Caleb went with me today to see a doctor. The doc confirmed it, and on Friday I have an appointment with a therapist.”
His expression softens. “I'm glad you're getting help, Z. I've been worried.”
“I want to get better. I really do,” I say sincerely. “I had no idea that what I was going through and all these...feelings and stuff, are all attributed to this disorder. I never thought to look for answers until Caleb came along.”
“How do you feel now that you know all this?”
“Relieved to have answers. I'm not happy with some of the treatments the doctor wants to try, but I'm giving it a shot.” I grimace. “I can't drink alcohol anymore, because I'm on an anti-depressant.”
“Can't say I'm disappointed about that. After last weekend, it'd be nice to see you avoid alcohol permanently for a while.”
“Yeah. I know.” I clear my throat, anxious to change the topic now that I've said what I've had to say about the disorder. “Jeremy hasn't seemed like himself lately. At least not when I'm around. Is there something going on?”
Ace goes still and then his eyes hold mine. “You really want to know?”
“Well, yeah. That's why I'm asking.”
“He's taking this thing between you and Caleb kind of hard,” he tells me bluntly.
“Why?”
Ace shakes his head. “You really were oblivious, weren't you?”
“Oblivious to what?”
“Jeremy wasn't able to be as casual as you were with the whole 'friends with benefits' thing between you two. He has feelings for you, Z.”
I stare at him as my heart sinks. “How bad is it?”
“He's in love with you.”
My head drops into my hands, and I groan. No, no, no. That wasn't supposed to happen. I knew that night in the bar—the night I'd gone home with Caleb—that Jeremy was starting to care too much. I hadn't considered that his feelings might already run that deep. I look up at Ace, my eyes searching his. “Are you sure? Or are you just guessing?”
“I'm sure. He admitted it.”
“Shit.”
“Don't panic,” he warns. “Jeremy already knows you don't feel the same way, and he is happy for you and Caleb. It's just hard on him right now. Do us all a favor and don't treat him any differently now that you know. It'll just make things awkward, and we're all tight, I'd like to keep it that way. Just let him deal with it on his own.”
I reach up and rub my hands over my face. “Do you think Caleb knows?”
“He might have some sort of an idea, but Caleb's a good guy. He won't call him out on it or anything.”
“So you think I should just act normal, like I'm not even aware of any of this?” I ask uncertainly.
“Exactly. He's a guy, he wouldn't want you to know. Do us all a favor and act like you don't. And if he's a little distant in the coming months, don't bring it up. Just leave him be.”
“Okay.” I look at Ace warily. “You know I didn't mean for it to happen, right?”
“Hey, I know that. I'm not placing any blame or anything. It happened, now let him move on.”
Chapter Nineteen
The closer we get to the cemetery, the more my heart seems to constrict in my chest. It's hard to breathe through lungs that feel like they're being squeezed by fists. The beautiful late afternoon Californian sky doesn't affect me at all as I stare out the car window. I am chilled to the bone. I can feel Caleb glancing at me every so often as he drives, but he doesn't press. He stays silent, leaving me to my brooding thoughts. I'm so unbelievably nervous to see Micah's grave. I'm not even sure I can do this, but I'm going to try.
When we pull into the cemetery, my entire body stiffens up in the passenger seat.
Caleb puts the car in park and looks at me. “No one's forcing you to do this, Zoey. We can go back home and try again another day,” he offers gently.
I shake my head slightly, not saying anything. I'm so close. To just give up and go back home would make me feel like I'm failing Micah somehow. Without a word, I open the car door and climb out. It's hot out, but goose bumps rise on my bare arms and legs.
I can do this, I tell myself.
I straighten my shoulders and glance at Caleb, who is standing by the car, his blue eyes watching me intently. I manage to give him a wan smile, because it's all I can muster at the moment. He silently holds out his hand. I walk over and reach for it, his warm palm sliding against mine with reassurance. We walk without a word to the large gate, then we pass through it and enter the cemetery. I draw in a sharp breath and try to control the nerves that seem to be rattling the insides of my hollow stomach.
Caleb squeezes my hand.
I try to draw on his strength and assure myself that I am not alone. Things are different now. I have someone to lean on if I need him. Everything has changed, and I need to face this fear I have. We walk hand in hand down the paved path as Caleb allows me to lead him in the direction of Micah's grave.
Everything feels so right, so when I catch sight of his gravestone and see all the flowers, I'm blindsided by the guilt that slams into my gut like a fist.
I gasp and stop dead in my tracks, my hand jerking out of Caleb's as I fist my hands together against my stomach where it cramps painfully. I knew it'd be hard, but the reality of coming face to face with his gravestone is a whole other story. It's so easy to say you want to do something, but when you have to face that something, sometimes it's so much harder than you ever thought it could be.
“Zoey?” Caleb asks softly.
My eyes shut as I struggle to draw air into my lungs. It hurts so much to see the bouquets of flowers that others have brought by in memory of him. They honor him while I've left him to rot in the ground.
Shame rolls over me in waves, and I feel the sting of tears behind my eyelids. One escapes between my lashes, and I sense Caleb move a moment before his warm thumb tenderly captures the wayward tear.
“I can't,” I say thickly, my head bowing with defeat. I can't do it. Somewhere inside me, I still feel like I don't deserve to come here. I don't deserve forgiveness for treating this life he'd given me so carelessly these past few years.
Caleb's arms wrap around me and he kisses the top of my head. “It's okay. It doesn't have to be now, we can come back another day. When you're ready.”
I nod against his shoulder.
He gently maneuvers me around, and his arm stays protectively around me as we begin to walk back the way we'd came.
I wipe at another tear with my free hand. “I thought...” My voice trails off as I sigh with resignation and disappointment.
“Don't feel bad,” he tells me as he holds my gaze deliberately. “You're taking on a lot this week, and coming here was just too much at once. Don't
punish yourself for it, Zoey. Let's give the meds some time to take effect. They'll help with the anxiety, and once things seem to calm down, we'll revisit the topic of coming back out here.”
I nod, and we're both silent as we reach the car and climb in. There is no conversation on the way back to Long Beach. I'm lost in my misery and Caleb concentrates on driving. Once in a while he reaches for my hand, holding it briefly before he releases it to clasp the steering wheel.
When we reach the complex, Caleb walks me to my door. “Can I come in?” he asks as I pull out my key. I hesitate.
“Don't shut me out,” he warns.
I look up at him, and I see the slight tightness around his eyes. I guess my silence in the car had bothered him more than I thought. “I'm trying not to,” I say truthfully. Because I really am trying to let him in. Out of everyone in my life, it's Caleb that I feel comfortable talking to.
“Let me come in and comfort you then.”
I nod with acceptance and unlock the door. Caleb shuts the door behind us, and I rub my face warily. I feel emotionally drained.
Caleb studies me. “Why don't you take a nice warm shower. We'll talk later if you feel like talking about it,” he suggests.
“A shower sounds good,” I agree.
“Go. I'll still be here when you get out.”
I give him a slight smile and go straight to my bathroom. I strip down and climb in, allowing the warm spray of the water to wash over my body. It eases my tense muscles, and as I begin to relax, my earlier frustration and shame from the cemetery fades. Surprisingly enough, it's not long before I feel my mood beginning to perk up. Especially when I realize Caleb is mine until tomorrow morning's classes at the university. I have Caleb for the entire night.
By the time I climb out of the shower, the horny little devil on my left shoulder is whispering naughty things in my ear. I grin widely. I know exactly what I want to do this evening, and it's definitely not talking. I quickly dry off and grab my favorite bottle of lotion. Then I comb out my wet hair, dry it until I’m no longer dripping on the floor, and then open the door to let the steam escape from the bathroom. I had planned on going to my bedroom first to put on something a little racy, but I've changed my mind. I'm a confident woman, and he's seen it all before.
I turn and walk down the hall towards the living room. Caleb is sitting on the couch, and he's text messaging someone on his phone. I walk right up to him, pluck the phone out of his hand and toss it over my shoulder before straddling his lap.
His hands instinctively clasp my waist, and his blue eyes widen as they roam over my nude body. I watch as he goes still, his eyes slowly traveling over my naked chest before sliding down my stomach to the flesh between my legs. “Fuck me,” he whispers as his eyes darken while he studies my mostly bare femininity.
I smirk. “I plan to. You're not the only one with a dirty list, Cowboy.”
He groans as his hands trail up my sides to cup my breasts. Then his eyelids grow heavy as he runs the pad of his thumbs over my pebble hard nipples.
“You made me wait two days. You owe me. Big time,” I say breathlessly as I arch into hands.
His eyes flicker to mine, and his lip quirks in the corner. “Is that so? Just how many do I owe you?”
He's referring to orgasms, and I'm a greedy bitch. “Six,” I say promptly, because we have all night.
“Done,” he says as he grasps my waist, hauling me up and over his shoulder as he rises to his feet. He strides confidently to my bedroom, spanking my bare ass playfully on the way.
~*~
I wake up to the delicious sensation of Caleb's lips trailing down between my breasts. A sleepy sigh escapes me as I lift my hands and let my fingers sink into his dark hair. Those wicked lips trail down to my belly button, then his hands are on my thighs, gently spreading them.
My hands instinctively slide from his hair as I reach above my head and clasp my fingers around the iron bars of my headboard. I know what's coming, Caleb's tongue drove me to crazy heights last night. I’ve trusted him with everything that I am, and now I trust him with my body as well. He has free reign to do as he pleases, because the man can fuck like no other. He can do me anyway he wants, I’m game for anything.
I don't bother to open my eyes as I willing spread my legs further to give him better access. His tongue flicks over my clit, and I let out a moan as his mouth works between my legs. He skillfully licks and flicks his tongue, then briefly sucks on my clit until he goes back to that wicked flicking thing he does to my sensitive flesh. God that feels so damn good. I've experienced oral sex before, but it's different with Caleb. My hips arch as my breathing speeds up. He has me gasping and moaning in no time, his name on my lips as he expertly teases the little nub. When he slides his finger inside me and curves it upward, rubbing the sensitive area within me, I cry out loudly as my body explodes, clenching and tightening around his finger that keeps moving. He draws out my orgasm as long as he can before he kisses the inside of each thigh lovingly.
My hands fall limply back to the bed as I lie there, my heart pounding as I try to catch my breath.
Caleb chuckles lowly as I feel him slide up my body, his lips trailing up my neck before they nibble on my mouth. “You didn't think I'd forget about number six, did you?”
I smile against his lips, and my heavy eyes open to meet his smoldering gaze. “I was going to give you hell if you did,” I murmur.
He reaches for the nightstand and grabs a condom. “Let's go for number seven,” he drawls with a hungry gleam in his eye.
“Mm... Have at it, Cowboy.”
He quickly slips on the condom, then I wrap my arms around his neck as he gently eases into me. We both groan in unison. “Fuck... You always feel so good. I want to go slow this morning, savor you,” he says in a strained voice as his hips begin to move.
I curl my legs around his hips, my hands framing his rough cheeks as I gaze up at him with barely contained urgency. “Savor later,” I order as I push my hips against his with impatience.
“I can't get enough of you,” he whispers as he picks up the pace, his eyes focusing intently on mine. “I need you like I need to breathe, Zoey Monohan,” he says in a raw voice.
My eyes widen as his words cause my body to clench around him. He groans, and we both begin to lose it as our bodies take over, frantically grinding together. I reach down to press my hands against his lower back, urging him to move faster within me. I need him deeper. I want everything he has to give me. He must sense my desperation, because his hands are rough as they slide beneath my ass. He jerks my hips up into his as he quickens the tempo, causing me to writhe beneath him. His jaw clenches with his determination to bring us to the edge of what feels like mindless insanity before the pleasure takes over, and we are consumed by it.
I hold tight, my eyes meeting his as my body bursts into a fiery explosion, his name falling from my lips as I lose myself to the rapture he's bringing me this morning. His eyes darken, and he growls my name in that sexy raspy way of his as he goes over the edge as well, his arms tightening around me as he relishes his own orgasm. Then he slowly relaxes against me, his head dropping to my shoulder where his lips kiss my shoulder tenderly.
“I can get used to this,” I murmur in a throaty voice as I savor the feel of him still inside me. I can’t resist squeezing my inner muscles and arching slightly. His breath catches slightly, and I simply enjoy the feel of his length still connected to me. Even coming down from our sexual frenzy feels good.
“You and me both,” he says in reference to my comment as his heart still thuds out of control against my own.
My hand reaches out, and I lazily run it through his now slightly damp hair. “I think I can definitely learn to enjoy the morning after’s.”
His head lifts and he meets my gaze. “No more running. What we have now, it's worth fighting for. You get that, right?”
“I'm not going anywhere. I promise,” I say as I lift my head and press my lips against his,
kissing him tenderly. He nips my lower lip, then soothes it with his tongue. With a mischievous look, he flex's his hips, causing me to groan.
“I can become addicted to this,” he tells me as he gives me a devilish look before easing himself out of me.
“I already am.”
“Good. That means you won't be straying,” he teases before reaching out and playfully feathering his finger against my left nipple. He watches with fascination as it instantly goes pert. Then, with great reluctance, he glances at the clock on my nightstand and sighs. “I have to go shower before class,” he tells me as he sits up and begins to pull off the condom.
I yawn and stretch, my back arching as my arms go over my head. When I gaze back at Caleb, his blue eyes are focused on my bare breasts with barely controlled longing. I grin. My man's a breast man. He plays with them as much as he can, and he'd been caressing them last night before I'd fallen asleep. “You can play with em' later, Cowboy,” I laugh.
“Count on it,” he confirms as he leans forward to give me a quick kiss. He then rises to his feet and looks around my bedroom floor for his clothes. I watch his sexy body slowly disappear from sight as he slips into a pair of jeans, and I sigh with disappointment. He looks at me as pulls on his shirt, adjusting it over his toned abs. His eyes are serious as he says, “I'll be there waiting for you after your last class before you leave,” he tells me firmly.
“Okay,” I say softly. I have my first meeting with a possible therapist today. If I like the therapist, I'll continue seeing him on a weekly basis.
~*~
When I leave my last class of the day, I'm surprised to find that Caleb isn't lounging against the hall wall like he'd promised. Nerves have my stomach twisted in knots, and my lips press flat as I search the faces in the hall, hoping to see Caleb.
I wait for two long and anxious minutes, and when he doesn't show up, I admit he's not coming. I'm disappointed, because he knew how much I've been dreading this appointment. I also know that he wouldn't intentionally miss seeing me before I leave.
Poison Me Sweetly (Long Beach Series Book 1) Page 27