The song is titled 'Hurricane' and I remember calling Tay a hurricane he kept walking into. The lyrics tell me this song reminds him of that moment, but it could be wishful thinking.
It is the first time I question if I could tell him my secrets and trust he would forgive me and perhaps help to heal me. I question it because I have never watched him shed the mask he wears and welcome the realness of his emotions.
Exactly what Lexington told him would happen.
Oh my god, he is so beautiful.
Tears prick my eyes as I try to hide how much I love him... but I don’t know in this particular moment why I would ever deny him? I feel so foolish.
The beats she created get louder and his face becomes more intense the louder and harder it hits.
As if he knows I am paying attention to his every move he stands as Lexington sits to replace him as he reaches for his guitar... and blows me completely away.
His guitar is a loud presence in the room when the beat she produces plays loud, but doesn’t burry his sound. There’s these crazy sounding drums and a mixture of his guitar and the piano, it is so intense.
Right when I think it is over though, Cal plays a light cord as she plays just as slow on the piano. Then, in sync they both stop to only come in harder than the song could have predicted and now we are all screaming and cheering.
Axe flies from my lap and goes to the window and beats on the glass to the tune of what percussion he hears and I know it is why he changes the beats of this song, to hit hard and play it so Axe can feel it. Every song is created for Axe since the day his hearing went to shit.
This is no different. He needs Axe to hear it.
So, we can feel it.
He is, truly a God damned Rockstar.
Cal
I saw my boy when I brought in those percussion drums and knew he would love it, feel it. By the look on the faces of our intimate audience told me I knew damn well I was on to something.
"We rocked it." I say to Lex and she smiles from ear to ear.
"I have never felt that Calvin." The excitement in her voice had its own tone in the room and if I was honest with myself then I would admit that rocking the idea in my head had me damn excited too.
I knew music, it guided me in any stage of my life, and now I brought it out in such a unique and tasteful way... knowing the approval waiting outside the doors would tell me I made the right choice.
"Holy shit Cal..." Chad says with awe and hugs me. "I had no idea how East of awesome you really are." He shakes his head in astonishment and I laugh.
"East of Awesome is catching on... I like it."
I look to Shame for his opinion on the orchestral drums instead of techno drums. "How did the drums work?"
"Bad ass. Makes me want to add some to our slower shit. How'd you get the beat to know how to chase a computer set up?"
"Just how I hear it I guess. That's all I could think to avoid that bass beat and use the guitar, drums and piano to replace it."
"Fucking genius." Noah says and Axe starts jumping in front of me.
“Like that Axe?” I sign and speak knowing Lexington doesn’t speak ASL.
'It was loud and made my feet tickle. Shame was playing air drums to it.' He signs then laughs when Shame hi-fives him. Drummers in arms.
"He said it was loud and tickled his feet and that uncle Shame was playing the air drums." Jen says to Lex who smiles huge.
"Can he read lips?" She asks Jen and we both say yes, if it is slow.
"I can interpret." Jen says and tells Lex to talk.
"Thank you for coming Axe. I am so glad you liked it." She said still smiling at him as Jen signs.
'I wish I could hear your voice better though.'
Jen smiles sweetly at him and signs. 'You will one day and I bet they will sing for you then too.'
Jen stands when he nods and I explain to Lex what he said.
She looks at me sadly for a second then claps her hands and jumps in excitement. "You recorded that right?"
"Yeah." I say and watch as she runs for her flash drive.
"Can you upload Hurricane for me really quick?"
I do as she asks and she loads it in her computer. "Now, set the sounds on all the volume levels and up the treble."
I follow as we all do because this is her thing not mine. Once I do as she asks she asks Jen to sign for her again.
"I am going to put the recorded version on in a way I think you will be able to hear it and your dad will sign it for you." She looks at me then as Jen signs to him. "You know all the words, right?"
I nod and watch as Axe lights up and runs to Shame.
'I will drum with you ok?'
'You got it. Let's do this my man.'
The song starts again with the treble high and though it sounds like shit to us, it makes it easy for Axe to hear more of the song. I start signing the lyrics to him and see him follow my hands as he takes in the words. Though he is still too young to understand the depth or meaning, for one split second he was free of his hearing disorder.
Once the drums came in, he followed my hands as Shame sat him on his knees for the bass and used his hands for the toms and symbols.
I had never in my life seen him this happy. Not ever and I felt like a King.
He looks at us when it goes silent for a few seconds until the piano comes through and I watch him try his best to focus to hear the sound. All too soon though Shame had him beating the shit out of the air drums and I loved his giggle.
I stopped signing when Shame had him all over the place in dramatic Rockstar fashion at the hardest hitting part. This was awesome and I look to Lex thankful she knew how to enhance the sound for him.
By the end of the song Shame was tossing Axe in the air making him laugh and signing what a badass he was, pissing Jen off for signing a swearword. I looked to Lex, in awe.
"Thank you, holy shit I have never seen him smile like that, seeing him understand the words. I wish I had thought to sign but I am always using my hands."
I hug her and she laughs. "Well now you know. I love that I could give you something for all the hard work and help you have given me Calvin."
"Thank you so much Lexington." Jen says and wipes her tears. When we are mom and dad we are so strong.
"Come here momma." I say, pulling her close and kiss the top of her head. "That was bad ass, right?"
She nods. "Can we chat for a few minutes alone?" She asks as the room starts to empty slowly.
Of course." I say and tell everyone to give us a minute.
"Hey, so what’s up?" I ask after I get Ral to get Axe in bed for the night and made everyone go upstairs and let us chat a bit.
"I want to know why you’re doing this? Is it really about the music or you digging the knife deeper?"
I swear to God I heard the brakes on my brain at that. Hand to the good Lord, I didn’t expect another fight.
"Are you kidding me Jenny?" I fall back against the seat and rock back and forth, my head staring at the ceiling.
Fuck I need some dignity, I really do.
I sit forward and look at her, tired of this whole thing. Tired to the point I might have no choice but to let her go so I can salvage my pride. "It is one-hundred percent the music. I can hear it in my head Jen. I can’t explain it to you, or Chad or anyone not even Lex. It is how I have always composed."
"And the fact she is a knockout redhead? Is that just the ugly bonus for me?"
Once again, I hear the brakes screech in my head. "This is about Lex?"
She looks ashamed and I hate that I made her think I was trying to get with Lex. "You said you would forget me once you had your fill of redheads."
Jesus, that damn comment is going to haunt me forever. "Jen, first off that was a bold threat I made knowing there is only one red head that could do it for me. That, is you." I stand from the chair and go to her and as she fights my arms going around her in a simple hug. Finally, she lets me touch her and I hold her. I rest her head aga
inst my chest and rub her back, knowing she is in tears, silent but wet against my shirt.
Such pride my Red. Hates her tears and I have made her cry too much today.
"I'm sorry I keep fighting you Cal." She sobs and buries her face deeper into my chest, her hands going to her face to protect her weakness from me.
"Jen, I made you this way. My treatment of you has damaged your trust in me, maybe forever."
She shakes her head no. "No, I am hiding from you for my own reasons." She pulls back and looks at me, her green eyes rimmed in red with black tears from her mascara. "I need to tell you, I know I do."
She takes a deep breath and I am scared that she will tell me some awful secret about our son. "Tell me." I say and leave my tone calm, dead almost. I know, I fucking know that this is where the other shoe falls.
I sit back down in the chair and leave her standing. I need her to feel in control for this. "Tell me Red."
She covers her eyes with her hands, trying to clear them of tears and making a mess of her face in the process. I would laugh or say something normally, but her sadness and fear has me nervous and I know it is bad.
"The, um... the day I dropped Axe off at your parents?" She looks at me, hiccupping on a sob. I nod, that yes duh of course I recall that day with a disturbing clarity.
"Well..." She chokes and coughs and her hands tremble as she fights her fear.
"Jen, you’re making it worse by freaking out. Just tell me." I don’t raise my voice or show my frustration... I just want to know why she hasn’t let me in and whatever it is, is because of that day and that terrifies me.
"I had gone to a party, Axe was with me and I was looking for a quick fix and didn’t have money..."
She trails off and looks anywhere but at me and my blood runs cold. "And?" Now I speak with the harshness I feel. Simply, no way this isn’t going to end well.
"I followed four guys into the room to make the deal." She is crying again and slamming her eyes shut as if blocking the memory of something too awful.
"Did they hurt Axe, Jen? Do you know if you could spot them in a line-up?" I am standing now, pacing thinking of my precious son and the array of horrifying shit that he could have experienced. This shit, fucks with me harder knowing Jen exposed him to it, even for the briefest seconds.
I am trying to calm my mind. She paid her dues, she did the right thing. Axe and Jen are both healthier now than ever before... But nothing seems to comfort me for the lack of the 'what' that took place.
"No, Axe was not touched or harmed, God no. Even at my lowest point Cal, I would crucify any son of a bitch that thought to touch a hair on his head."
She is no longer crying, like the thought of any harm to him was so repulsive we both found our grounding through the fear.
But, within seconds I fear where this story is going. No money? Quick hit? Party...four men? Oh my god it hits me before she says a word, hits me square in the nuts. She was hurt?
"What happened with the four men Jen?" I ask and I fall into the seat, unable to stand...losing my grounding again.
"Look, I can’t give you the details because it is an awful reminder of how desperate I was to forget my shitty existence that I would put myself, and our son in a position like that."
"Jen..." I can’t speak. I think she was raped or at the least beat up. Either of those things are far too big a price for her sins.
I lean forward and pull her to me by the back pocket of her jeans. "Jen..." I say and feel my tears spill over at the wreckage. There is no shame for them here though. The mother of my son was hurt beyond repair and I wanted to comfort her.
She fell to her knees before me and began crying. "Don’t cry Cal. I deserved it, every second of it."
"Did they rape you?" My voice cracks under the weight of the emotion.
She nods yes, confirming the worst news and my heart breaks for her.
"All of them?" I ask feeling the bile rising in my throat, to the point I am scared I will vomit. I take a deep breath trying to calm my rush of anger and sorrow. Not at her, no. There is no excuse, none on this fucking planet to rape or beat women or children. That sort of punishment is only for the one raping and may they get a full does behind bars.
Fuck this I was pissed.
"They beat me up, threatened to hurt Axe if I didn’t stop fighting. I felt so disgusting pushing my limits that far and endangering him. I just lie still and let them hurt me, to no end." She looks at me and more tears spill over. "I deserved every minute of it and I asked God to save Axe so I could give him to you for the life he deserved. I wanted for Tay to be what I couldn’t and now she failed him too. I am never going to be the mother he needs because I will always be the mother who took him into that filthy room at that party. This was deserved punishment."
I grab my phone and text Noah asking for whiskey stat, but don’t hit send just yet. I want to protect her in this and it is possible Noah doesn’t know about this, not likely but still possible. If he doesn’t know he sure as shit can leave the whiskey at the door. "Does Noah know?" I ask as she looks at me confused with my phone in hand.
She nods and cries even harder. I hit send and pull her into my lap and rock her courtesy of the swivel chair. "He has known since we became friends, I trust him to know this ugliness I carry and not hate or blame me."
"Firefly, I don’t hate or blame you. I am so glad that you haven’t been hiding this inside from everyone. I could never find words to tell him thank you for loving you when I refused."
She looks at me, her brows drawn. "Firefly?"
A tap on the door alerts me to Noah and the much-needed harshness of the whiskey. Jen goes to stand, but I hold her there. "Yeah." I yell and turn her face to mine as Noah walks in with the bottle of Johnny Walker Blue label. "I asked him to bring us whiskey." I look at him and smile. "Scotch sounds better though."
He hands me the bottle noticing the tears in my eyes and looks at Jen. "You did it?" He asks and she falls apart again in my arms, a mess of tears.
"Yeah she did." I say kissing her on top of the head trying to soothe her. I can’t hide the emotion even if I wanted to. I hurt for her, with her and want so bad to take it all away.
"Allow me." Noah says, pouring two glasses for us, Jen's containing much more than mine. "That’s why I brought the Blue." He says to me before squatting down to look at Jen. "I told you babes. He is much stronger than he knows." He tips her chin to meet his eyes. "Not your fault."
He kisses her on the forehead and cups my shoulder before he leaves the room.
We sit in silence, her on my lap for endless minutes. She will cry and then stop, catch her breath, then some image or thought breaks the peace and she falls apart again. It is agonizing knowing the one you know is meant for you cannot be reached at the moment. I think of Noah and Carrie and how trust me had kept them safe and sane. I wished like hell I was that suave to know how to fix her.
"Why did you call me firefly?" She asks and I jump a little at the silence being broken. The Scotch seems to have calmed her down.
I run my fingers through her hair, feeling the silky-smooth strands that she straightened today. "Your hair." I say, breathing in the clean perfume in it. Love the smell of her.
"I like it." She says and takes a shuttering breath.
"I have always called you it, just not out loud. In junior high I don’t think it really made sense to me. In high school I was too scared of looking like a whipped nutless bastard like Shame was." I laugh as she sits back and looks up at me with a smile. "After that it was just something I would think of you with."
I take her hand into mine and weave our fingers together, holding them up for her to see. My tattooed hands in her pale unmarred hands. "Like this, it just fit I guess."
"I love that." She says as she takes a sip from her almost empty scotch, the ice clinking the glass from her trembling hands. I want so bad to remove any doubt in her that this was her fault, that she actually believes she paid her dues with her body.
I have been with her so many times, so many. I have watched her with my friends, or shared her with them like the deviant sociopaths we all were back then. It makes sense she takes the blame, sex meant nothing to her back then. Just the life she led. The blinding difference though is she didn’t deserve the violence or the unwelcomed intrusion.
I think of the last time we fucked, how she offered herself to me in pure trust and I feel the pit in my stomach bottom out. "I need to ask you something."
She sighs, drinks the rest of her drink and looks at me. "Okay."
"That night... Christmas after Tay left me. Was that okay? Did I hurt or scare you?" We fucked all night that night, but it was only gentle at the beginning of the first round. It was a god damned debauchery by the time we were both spent. I beat off to the images that night, my fingers in her ass, my tongue in her pussy, the way I railed her over and over.
Now, the glasses are off and everything is clear...no wonder she won’t trust me.
She stands from my lap even though I try to keep her near. She turns and straddles me over the chair. "The night that started a little like this?" She asks and runs her fingers along the side of my beard and over the top of my right ear.
I pull her into me, unable to not be turned on, though I am not ravenous or horney by any guys standards after the night we have had. But this is Jen, my firefly, my dream in the flesh straddling me.
Come on!
"That night, yes."
"That night was more than okay. It was perfect. It was the morning after that sucked."
"Hey!" I say and pull her face to mine. "I haven’t touched Tayla since the day I found out she cheated. Not once. If she ever made you think that by going to the studio to fight. I chose the studio because I am a hateful prick that only now can I attempt being cordial. I needed to protect Axe from hearing it all, or in his case seeing it."
"How did you know I felt like that?" She asks, cupping my face to. Fuck I am a bastard. I want to kiss her.
"Because I know you, better than you think. When you confirmed that when we fought at your place, I knew I was right."
Fix Me_TAT_A Rocker Romance Page 10