Fix Me_TAT_A Rocker Romance

by Melanie Walker

  "I am so sorry firefly." I say and kiss her on the temple and hope that we aren’t ruined forever.

  Jen

  I lay awake beside Cal in my bed down the hall from he and Axe. Axe fell asleep in Cal's bed earlier and after the silence in the studio we came up here. No kissing, no touching... he got in the bed and looked at me while lifting the bedding beside him.

  "Stay with me Jen, just lay here." He said and I didn’t argue or fight him. I wanted to know what he was thinking. Had he read them all? Was he getting ready to argue his side? Did he remember how pure we were back then? Fear over took any sensible conversation though. I didn’t know what he thought or he thought anything, and for now I didn’t want to know.

  I curled my back into his chest and he held me for hours until sleep claimed us both. Now I lay here wide awake and just want answers, to anything. I slip from the bed and grab my grey blanket and make my way to his studio.

  I curl up on the blanket and reach for the journal the closest to where he had played. It is split and laying facedown and I see the last entry he read and tears shed when I drop the book and cover my mouth.

  I hadn’t thought as I packed the journals that this one would matter. I

  Chapter Eleven

  Jenny

  I was standing in front of my mirror, straightening my hair when I see him stand in the door frame to my room. I look over, straightener in hand as I slide it down my unruly mass of curls, desperate to get order. “Hey?” I ask because he looks like he needs something, but too scared to ask. “What’s up?”

  I place the straightener down and go for the next piece stopping when he moves from the door jam and makes his way toward me. My heart starts to race like it always does, because I am a self-proclaimed Cal junkie one hundred percent obsessed with him. He has this swagger to him that makes me wet, but tonight he has a look in his eyes that says he will eat me alive if I let him touch me.

  New development after last night’s clarity smackdown.

  He comes up behind me and slips his hand around my waist and uses his chin to move my half curled, half straight hair from my neck. My sigh of complete and total submission isn’t unnoticed as he pulls me back into him, the hard ridge of his cock, a brand on my bare ass under my robe.

  “You’re so fucking beautiful Jen.” He says and kisses below my ear, right over my pulse point.

  “You’re trouble.”

  “You, are the very definition of trouble Pope.” He says and places a hand on my ass and starts to gently rub me. I don’t know where the sudden desire comes from, but honestly it kind of throws me, once again.

  Before I fall into him entirely, I hear Axe come bounding down the hallway. I use ASL to tell him hello and elbow Cal to back up. I never want him confused, or even hopeful where Cal and I are concerned.

  Cal backs up and coughs, turning away from Axe and I as he readjusts himself. I laugh and swoop Axe into my arms. “What are you doing handsome son of mine.” I use ASL as I speak to him.

  ‘Followed daddy to scare him.’ He signs and I laugh turning to see Cal who was obviously sidetracked by me.

  “I told you to get ready Pal. You’re going to aunt Mya’s tonight remember?” He signs and keeps his eyes on mine.

  Axe starts jumping up and down in excitement knowing he will be spoiled relentlessly tonight. He runs from the room and went to pack I’m sure. I look to Cal, curious what he is planning to do tonight.

  “What are you up to in here?” He steps away from me and sits on the end of my bed and I am reminded all too quickly he is and will always be Captain Hot and Cold.

  “We are taking Raleigh to see Denver Kent tonight.” I slide my fingers through my now straight hair to make sure I straightened it evenly and look at him through my mirror as I apply my makeup.

  “Oh…” He doesn’t say much but I can see he is overthinking every word I just said. “Who is ‘we’?”

  I roll my eyes, masking the hurt that he would think, even attempt to think, that I am going to go back to my old ways. He might always see me as a fangirl. I get it, I put myself in the position to always need to fight to be taken seriously these days. But honestly, I thought he knew better by now. “Asa, Sully, Bright, Raleigh and Noah. Otto and Dali might show up, but they are fighting something fierce lately so I don’t know yet.”

  I refuse to pay him any mind as I get ready. Tonight, is going to be fun and he won’t destroy it for me.

  “Did Noah get you guys VIP passes?” He asks and starts playing on his phone. Texting Noah I assume. Thinks I need a watchdog if I am at a concert. I wasn’t always that woman I turned into. Drugs, sex and rock and roll will do that to you. I wasn’t always the fangirl who liked partying. I love music and concerts were always my favorite thing to do. I made the mistake of letting it take me the wrong way and he knew that now.

  I turn to look at Cal, masking my shame and embarrassment and obvious assumption that I will forever be a party girl. I refuse to ever, ever let him or anyone for that matter, know they could hurt me. “No, we are sitting in general admission.”

  He shakes his head no. “Jen, I can call and get you guys VIP. Noah is tight with Denver.”

  I walk over to him and use my hand to pull his chin up to look at me, wishing he would actually see me. “General admission is the best part. Beer in plastic cups, room to dance, a few joints between friends. Cheap seats with an acoustic show… it’s magic.”

  He looks at me like I’m crazy. “Magic is watching from side stage and sharing a joint with him after.” He smiles and I hate his arrogance.

  “You really are this arrogant these days?” I don’t hide the bitch in me, I get exhausted dealing with his power house rocker bullshit. Cal ten years ago is not the same Cal today.

  He laughs and grabs my hand pulling me in so I am between his legs. “Arrogant? I guess.” He laughs again and wraps his arms around me. “You seem offended by it though Jen?”

  I pull his hands from around my waist and walk to my closet. “Tell me if Axe comes down the hall.” I grab my black skinny jeans with the tears in the knees and open the robe. Am I playing fair? No, but he wants to toy with me I will toy with him. I let him watch me dress as I chew his ass for forgetting to live.

  “Do you even remember the excitement of watching a show from the nose-bleed section? Waiting all week, counting down to the car ride to the venue? Pregame drinking before? Singing every word at the top of your lungs because you’re that big of a fan?”

  He stands and walks to my door, standing guard with his back to it so he can watch me dress and still stop Axe from coming in. “I love the fans in G.A. Jen. They are the real fans, the die-hard’s.”

  “Yeah? When was the last time you were one?” I ask and clasp my bra, watching him swallow hard as my chest conceals under the lace.

  “I don’t know, I guess we see shows from the side now. I don’t know why, it’s just better.” He shrugs, and I get it. He’s this rich sexy guitar guy that can always be at the side stage to see it up close. I just wish I could see the guy who used to come to the nose bleed lawn seats and party with us when we were teens and in our early twenties before fame changed him.

  “No, it isn’t. I have been on both sides. The side stage is loud and awesome and personal sure, but to watch on the big screen from up high on the hill, the smell of weed and cigarettes in the air and thousands of fans singing along, drinking and spilling their beer, all while your feet vibrate to the song and you can’t help but dance? That’s the magic Caly, that’s what you used to love.”

  I see the recognition of the memory on his face and I don’t know if he really gets it or if he is just humoring me, but I think he could remember if he took his ego down a few notches.

  “I remember getting way too excited for TOOL.” He says and laughs, moving from the door once I have my The Fixx t-shirt on and tie my blue and black plaid flannel around my waist. “I was bouncing off the walls to the point my dad told me to leave.” He laughs and plays with
my key ring. “I went to Shames house and we stole Jerry’s beer and got a damn good pregame buzz before we left.”

  I sit beside him on the bed and lace my old blue Chuck Taylor’s. “See, that feeling. You need to get that back Cal, because Old school Cal who I obsessed over in High school would kick Rockstar Cal’s ass for being such a douchebag.”

  I go to stand but he grabs me by the waist and pulls me until I am on the bed and he rolls until he is over me. “He would, would he?”

  I nod and let him kiss me sweet on the lips, upsetting how quickly it was over. “Can I tag along? Go down memory lane with you there with me?”

  My heart races and I start breathing fast, because in that there was the sweetest tone…promising and I won’t deny how much I love the idea of him coming with me. “Do you promise to leave the arrogant bastard at home and only bring your fun side?”

  “If you promise to keep me in check, then yes.” He slants his lips over mine and this kiss is deliberate and slow. His fingers trace the contours of my jaw before his tongue sweeps mine. I wrap one of my legs around him. It is so easy to get lost in him. I feel his fingers trace the buckle of my belt, slip under it and I know where his hand is headed. The alarm to the gate chimes, alerting us that most likely Mya is here. We both pull back as if we were two teens caught naked, then laugh knowing one of us will let her in.

  It is proof that we are fire, always hot, always burning and we get lost too easily and too fast. We don’t think we just do. It is always crazy and wild and desperate. When we need, we need together. But, there was fire in that kiss. There was emotion to it. It was deliberate and exactly what he wanted, without a ruse or excuse.

  That made the kiss a game changer.

  “Go get ready, and try for the love of God to blend in.” I say and grab a hair tie, securing it to my wrist and pocket my lip gloss and lighter.

  “Oh, I’ll try to not humiliate you.”

  “Please don’t.” I reply deadpan and he smacks my ass as we walk toward the front door.

  Cal

  It took twenty minutes to get up the hill, to find a spot that would accommodate all of us. I let Jen dress me in jeans and a hoodie and grabbed my old Mariners hat. I just wanted to blend in, but within five minutes in line Noah and I both were spotted. I followed Noah’s lead who simply told them he was here to enjoy the show not create one. Nobody asked for selfies or autographs and they were cool.

  Then I found what he did to keep them at bay and had to laugh. He had called the venue ahead of time, let them know we were coming and paid for a thousand drink vouchers so he could buy some freedom.

  He is smart as shit, tell you what.

  I followed him to the business office and was lucky enough to make the same deal. Bright put Noah’s in her purse since the stack was three inches thick, so I asked Jen to carry mine which she obliged

  “Will you be able to turn them away so easily?” She asks me, tempts me. I know she wants to prove me wrong, but I need her to see I am not just TAT.

  “I don’t like to do that, but I want you to see I am more than what you see.”

  I do to, I want her to see me for something other than the guy who partied with her…used her.

  She nods and the little bit of sun that still shines is in her eyes and her fire engine red hair has a few wayward strands that are stuck to her lips. Fuck I want to move them away and keep this look she’s giving as she looks at me on her face, but I want to keep them there because she looks so carefree and perfect.

  “Come on Rockstar, let’s go remind you why you love this shit.”

  I am all too eager to follow her, hell I would follow her off a cliff at this point. It hits me like a sledgehammer that what I feel right now with Jenny, I never had with Tay. I never would be careless or free with Tay. We were always business or freak and never an in between. Our down time was spent talking TAT or sales or events… we never binge watched The Walking Dead like I do with Jen. We never sit and laugh around my firepit drinking beers. We had fun, yeah but not like this. Jen has a way of making life and all the mundane shit seem more fun.

  I was falling for her and it scares me. Not for the reasons it did with Tayla, but because she is more than Tay in a way I never saw. I watch her now bouncing on her heels to the opening act… I can’t even tell you who they are because I am only watching her as she dances with Raleigh and Bright.

  “I can’t believe she got you here.” Noah says and I direct my attention to him.

  I laugh and drink from my beer and shake my head no. “I had to ask. Apparently, I am an arrogant douchebag.”

  Noah looks appalled and I know it’s an act. “You? Arrogant? Never…”

  I nod accepting the truth. When she described a concert, I felt it and remembered it and I had forgotten what it was like. “I gotta be honest, when she tells me I suck, I listen. When she tells me what she likes best about me I listen.”

  I shrug because it was the truth. I pay fucking attention where she is concerned.

  “She thinks you asked to come along because you’re scared she will go all fangirl party girl and fuck twelve dudes.”

  I choke on my beer floored by what he said. Noah never played gentle, he said everything with the gusto of ripping off a band-aid. When he says she thinks that’s why though, it stings. I shake my head no and look at her again, dancing and free. “I came because I hated knowing I wouldn’t see her tonight.”

  He looks at me confused.

  “Mya called and asked to take him to the blueberry farm for an arts festival. I was going to see if she wanted to hang with me tonight. She started telling me I was too arrogant to remember what it was like to be a fan, not a performer. I asked if I could come along.” I look at Noah now and need him to believe me. He is her closest friend and one of mine, though their bond is much different than he and I. “I just wanted to be around her Noah. The farthest thing from my mind is Jen reverting to the party girl. She isn’t that chick anymore, I know that and I don’t question it.”

  “Tell her that then.” He says and we are interrupted when his wife hops on his back. “Girl, I about threw you.” He pulls her over his back until she is in front of him with her legs around him. They are so happy, he had a long trip to get to where he is today, but he won her over and I have never seen him happier. I think of my boys and how happy they are, how it’s common to see them all cutesy with their girls like Bright and Noah now.

  It is another reminder of what Tay and I never had, and what I want. I never knew I wanted it either until last Christmas after spending the entire night inside of Jen.

  “Hey you.” Jen says and pulls me from my inner monologue.

  “Hey you.” I say back and loop my arm over her shoulders pulling her in close. I know she loves when I hang on her and once I figured that out I do it a hell of a lot more now. I tug her ponytail until she is looking up at me. “Wanna come with me to get a beer?”

  She laughs and looks around. “I am all for you shedding the rock star image Cal, but I don’t know if this is the place to do it.”

  “Don’t be a pussy. You got the vouchers, I got the cash. Let’s venture out. Old Cal would have no problem getting his own beer.”

  She looks around again and then nods. “Okay, let’s go.” She tugs me along, looping her arm through mine and comes up to Raleigh. “We are going to get beers, want anything birthday boy?”

  “Oh, can I come so I can be seen with Cal Dorian by all the cute boys here?” He looks at me and winks and I can’t help but laugh. Dude has no boundaries at all, but I also know he feels safe with all of us by those actions. Raleigh was forced to play straight his entire life so he appreciates being accepted by both our group and Jen’s.

  “This is the artist formally known as Cal Dorian. He isn’t the rock star we love this evening. This Cal Dorian, concert lover and a nobody just like the rest of us.”

  “Oh baby, he will never be that.” Raleigh says and looks at me. “Who you are matters so who gives a fuck
how its portrayed?”

  I laugh, feeling kind of awkward. “Thanks, Ral. Need anything?” I ask hoping to deflect the conversation.

  “Reds Apple Ale.” He says and starts dancing. “Bright snuck whiskey in for me.”

  I can’t help but laugh at that remembering when we used to do the same thing. “Damn it, why didn’t I think of that?” I say and smack her ass, eliciting a few stares from her friends.

  “Because you forgot, now you’re remerging.” She says and tugs me along toward the beer stand. “I don’t want you to lose who you are Cal. I don’t think there’s anything wrong with you. I like you and who you are, I just think you lack the luster in life is all.”

  I hear the tension in her voice and I think she’s concerned she offended me. We get to the line and I pull her in front of me so her back is to my chest and use my chin to move her hair around. She loves when I do this, but it also gives me her undivided attention.

  “I know that Pope. I think I owe you an explanation to.”

  I feel her shiver and I want this with her constantly. “What’s that?” She asks and turns so she can see me, and we are chest to chest.

  I cup her face in my hands so she is looking at me. “I weaseled my way to this show tonight because I wanted to hang out with you and nothing else.” I see her eyes light up at that and she swallows hard so I kiss her in case my words weren’t enough. The time is coming for us to shit or get off the pot and I want her. Not just to fuck her, but I want her and I need to clear the path to make sure she knows it.

  Her lips taste like cherries, they always do because of that lip gloss that has me addicted. I want to take it further, taste every inch of her mouth, but it is our turn for brews so I pull back slowly and drop a sweet kiss to her nose.

  We had a comfortable silence on our way back, her arm still hooked through mine as we carried our beers and Ral’s. By the time we made it to the group the venue went dark and cell phones lit it up.