Diesel

by Vivian Gray

  After placing the remote near him, I stand back up again and explain, “If you do manage to get ahold of this thing before you’ve choked to death, you tell Knux that I know the truth, and I’ll be coming for him next. But first, I’ve got some errands to run.”

  With one small kick, the remote goes flying, just out of reach of his feet. He stares up at me with wide, fearful eyes – the kind of eyes that know he’s looking at the harbinger of death. But I’m not looking at an innocent man here. I’m leaving behind a man who would kill an innocent guy for a cash payout. What I’m doing may not be better, but it’s sure as shit not as bad as the sins he’s taking to his grave.

  I stride out of his shop, my hoodie still wrapped around my head. I can barely hear the man’s shouts as I turn on my bike’s engine, and his memory fades further from my mind the farther I get from California. It’s a long fucking ride to Milford, Illinois, and I’ve got a stop to make first.

  Chapter Eleven

  Blanche

  I’ve grown up in this town long enough to understand the crops. Even though I’ve never tended to the soil, I get a feel for the growing seasons and the harvest times. But after being removed from this place for the last four months, I suddenly see just how beautiful the countryside can be when everything is growing and sprouting from the earth. There’s the earthy smell mixed with crinkling leaves. And the stars… I had never counted them before my drive home from the airport.

  Mom keeps quiet – she’s only said a few words since I nearly leaped into her arms as she waited in the “kiss-and-cry” area of Midway Airport. She didn’t need to say much. Her tear-filled eyes and her placing a hand on my belly said it all, and I don’t dare ask her to speak.

  As we pull into town and pass my old apartment building, she must sense it’s time to break down my new normal. “A lot has changed since you’ve gone, Blanche. We tried to keep your apartment lease current, but your landlord wanted to rent it out. He said he couldn’t cover your utilities if you were going to be gone indefinitely. Plus, we couldn’t afford to cover our mortgage and your rent. It was too much.”

  “You didn’t have to do that, Mom. I figured after the first month that Randy would have left my stuff on the curb and put up an eviction note. I really appreciate you trying though.”

  “The same went for your work.” She sighs heavily.

  In the past, she’s always gone out of her way to let me know how proud she is that I did something with my life. I went to college, got my degree, came back home, and worked as someone saving lives. It was a sharp change from my brother. I know she used my employment as something she could hold up to the light as proof that she got something right.

  Now, that is gone.

  “I’m sorry about that, but I am still a nurse. I was thinking of begging for my job back. They’re always desperate for nurses to work the night shifts in the ER. I’m sure if I tell Mr. Davies what happened he’ll…” My voice trails off as I try to think of what I could possibly tell my old boss about my absence.

  Uh, yes, sir. I was, that is, I was being held hostage in California by a motorcycle club member as he searched for my missing drug-addled brother. Sorry I didn’t call, but he didn’t let me use my cell – because he feared I would be caught by his boss who wanted me dead.

  “Don’t worry about that right now. You won’t be working for long anyway, not with…” Her eyes float down to my stomach, and I watch as she gulps back the last of that sentence.

  “I’m sorry,” I mutter, my bottom lip beginning to shake. I’ve only had about twelve hours to really process the news, so it’s just as fresh and raw to her as it is to me.

  “Honey…” She sighs as she looks away from the road and back towards me. “Don’t be sorry. These things, well, they happen. And I’m sure that when you’re ready, you’ll tell us about what happened to you. Until then, I have to ask about the father. Where is he? Who is he? Does he know?”

  I’m not sure how to answer those questions. Well, I know one thing for sure: he knows. By now he would’ve seen the note I left for him. He hasn’t tried to reach me by phone, so I am assuming he’s okay with everything I wrote. For whatever reason, it’s worse knowing that he knows and has done nothing.

  “He knows, Mom,” I admit quietly. “He’s back in California. I don’t think he wants much to do with it.”

  “And what do you want?”

  “I… I don’t know. I’ve been thinking about my options since I got on the plane, and I don’t know what I want.”

  “Your father and I were talking, and we figure you have three choices. You can get rid of it, adopt it, or keep it.”

  “It’s not that easy.”

  My mother frowns the way she always does when she can’t seem to connect with me. It’s part exasperation and part disappointment that literally drips off her long face. “I know it’s not easy, Blanche. But being a mother never is. And even if you choose to not have the child, you’ll still be a mother in some ways.”

  “Then what would you do if you were me? What would you do if Dad wasn’t around?”

  “When your brother was born, he wasn’t.”

  “What?” I ask, stunned. This is complete news for me. I’ve seen Tyler’s birth pictures tacked to the walls. My dad was always present and smiling.

  “He was at the hospital, sure, but he didn’t come to the classes or see the ultrasounds. He told your grandpa that he’d send me some money, and that would be the last he’d have to do with me. But your grandfather wouldn’t hear a damn word of it and marched him over to our house a few days before Tyler was born. They got a judge, and we got married in our living room. Two days later, Tyler was born.”

  “And did he change? Did he want Tyler after he got married?”

  My mom frowns and sighs again, meaningfully. I’ve never heard her talk about my dad like this – I knew their marriage wasn’t idyllic paradise, but I always figured they had normal problems. The idea that my dad might never have even wanted Tyler… well, it’s kind of astounding to me.

  She continues in an almost wistful voice, “For a long time, I wasn’t sure. I thought he was probably faking it while he tried to find his way out. But he had opportunities to leave, and he never did. A real man understands that blood is thicker than anything in this world. And it’s worth sticking around for, even when times get bad.”

  “I don’t know how you do it, Mom,” I find myself admitting. “Raising Tyler and me had to be hard. And loving Tyler despite him disappearing…”

  “I regret not following you out there to California. I should have tried harder to find him. Instead, I left it to you.”

  “No,” I say bitterly, “I should have listened to you.” I try to steady my voice as I prepare to give her the news. “I saw Tyler in California, but I made him run away from the place he was staying. The person he was living with went looking for him, but he couldn’t find him. I’m so sorry, Mom.”

  She pulls into the garage of our home and turns off the car. With the keys still in her hand, she looks at me with eyebrows raised. “What are you talking about, Blanche?”

  “Tyler. He’s missing. He’s been gone for four months, and even the best detective work couldn’t find him. The person I… well, who knew him, tried his best to track him down, but he’s gone!”

  “Blanche…” She steps out of the car and opens the connecting door to the kitchen entrance. I follow her inside, not understanding why this news isn’t hitting her.

  It isn’t until I see him that I understand why she’s acting so strange.

  My bag drops at my feet. “Tyler! What the hell are you doing here?”

  The same, shaven head, sun-soaked man I last saw four months ago sits idly at the kitchen table. His eyes dart nervously towards me as he stands to his feet. I’m not sure if we should hug or shake hands, so we stand next to one another staring the other down.

  “It’s good to see you too, kid.” Dad appears from the living room with a cup of coffee in hand. />
  “She can’t have that,” Mom chides him.

  “Why the hell not? It’ll probably help her feel better about the situation if she could get a fresh cup of—”

  “I’m going to take her out for a walk.” Tyler grasps me firmly by the arm.

  Mom stands between us and the door, her eyes drilling a hole into me. “You sure about that, Blanche? You need your rest, and there is still lots we need to discuss about your plans.”

  “No. No. I’m… I’m okay,” I fumble through my response.

  Tyler pushes past Mom and brings me back out through the garage and around the corner where we’re far from any open windows and doors. We keep walking, in silence, towards the cornfields where the crop is nearly as high as my head. As we disappear into the gold-yellow maze, I start to get a sinking feeling in my stomach, the kind that is screaming, “DANGER!”

  “What are we doing out here?” I finally ask as we come to a stop at least a quarter mile from the house.

  “Why do you think?” he yells, his eyes flashing furiously. “I don’t want Mom and Dad to be involved with the shit you got us in!”

  “That I got us in?!” I shout back in disbelief. “Are you out of your fucking mind, Tyler? I did nothing but try to find you! What the fuck are you on about?”

  “So I didn’t find you shacked up with Diesel that night?”

  “I did that for you, Tyler! I did it so you could be free! I had no idea that you would fucking run and leave me behind!”

  “You made your bed, Blanche. When I saw you with him, I knew I had done enough. My shit sucked you in, and I’m sorry for that.”

  “I waited around for four months in the hopes you’d come back or at least send some word to me that you were okay. By the way Diesel was acting, I thought something had happened to you… that you had died.”

  “That’s because he thinks I did.”

  “What?! Why in God’s name would he think that? What did he know that he didn’t tell me?”

  “After I left Diesel’s place, I went back to the Roses. I told them my debt was paid with both clubs and that I was leaving for good. They didn’t believe me. They wanted all the information I could give on the Bonebags, but I refused. I didn’t have much of anything new to tell them anyways since Diesel kept everything under wraps from me. The leader threatened me, swore he would take everything from me, including my bike and my family. So I knew I had to get back here in case they came looking.”

  “But then… how did you escape?” I ask breathlessly. “They wouldn’t just let you go that easily, right?”

  “Of course they wouldn’t.” He almost smirks at me. “Each night, the guys beat the bloody shit out of me. But one night, the leader’s son – a guy named Herc – was ordered to go get my bike from the body shop where I had it stored in Bonebags’ territory. I don’t know what happened, but the guy never came back. The entire club went on the hunt for him, and they left me with this fucking idiot who was already stoned out of his mind. It was easy escaping while they weren’t looking. I managed to hop on a Greyhound bus out of there with the last of my money. When I made it over the Rockies, I called Mom and Dad, and they came and got me.”

  “So they’re still looking for you?” I ask, my mouth agape. “The Roses, I mean.”

  “Yeah.” He nods. “But there haven’t been any movements. The Roses aren’t a huge operation. They don’t have the funds or resources to scout me down across the country. And with me not owing them any money, they’ve got little reason to come all the way out here except for pride. And with Herc dead—”

  “How do you know the guy that went to get your bike is dead?”

  “I’ve got friends, Blanche – guys on the inside who are still able to tell me things here and there. I was a loyal member of the Bonebags until the end. I didn’t take the money that Knux said I did. I was set up. Some sorry son of a bitch gunned my bike down and stole the cash from me, knowing it would start a war between the Roses and the Bonebags.”

  “Who would do that? Why would they want that?”

  “C’mon, kid,” he teases me, “you know this. Why does anyone do anything? Money and power. The Roses have a growing territory that’s eating into the Bonebags’. And with each club they destroy, the Bonebags get more power. If they go after another club for no reason, though, the other California crews will see it as an instigation and go after them. They needed motivation to justify it. And I was their dummy.”

  “But you’re gone now. They’re not going to be looking for you, right?”

  “I don’t know. Knux is a fucking lunatic. He’s got the skills, the money, and the time to find me. And if he thinks I know about his plot, he sure as shit wants me gone.”

  “Then you have to go, Tyler! You can’t stay around here.”

  “No fucking way, Blanche. Without Diesel, you, Mom and Dad are vulnerable. At least when you were with him, I knew you would be safe. The guy may be a fucking tool for keeping me in that apartment, but he’s a good guy, and he takes care of his own.”

  “His own?”

  “His boys – the people he shares a bond with.”

  “Oh,” I whisper quietly. I look up towards the darkened sky as I sigh heavily. “You’re right about that.”

  “I heard Mom and Dad talk about the baby. Is it true? Is it his?”

  “Yeah, it has to be,” I reply, tears that I don’t want to fall stinging my eyes. “I didn’t know until this morning – when I left. I had no fucking clue.”

  Tyler studies me carefully before asking, “What did Diesel say when you told him?”

  “Nothing. I didn’t tell him – at least not in person. I wanted to, but something changed a few weeks ago. He went cold, stopped talking to me. I think he was going crazy looking for you.”

  “If he was looking for me three months after I disappeared, he was doing it against Knux’s wishes. He would be doing it for you.”

  “For me?”

  “Yeah, for you.”

  “Why? Why would he do that?”

  “Who the hell knows? Maybe you grew on him after all that time?”

  My mouth goes dry as I think of the times we spent together lying in bed, his arms wrapped around my naked body. His fingers would trace the line of my spine from my hips to my neck. They would wrap around the curls of my hair until it balled up inside his fist. He held me like this until the morning would come and the phone on his alarm would chime.

  Those were the best moments I’ve shared with another human. And now, they’re gone.

  Tyler must sense something has changed. “Listen, Blanche. Diesel’s a good guy, a decent guy. While you did what you thought was right, you need to give him a chance if he asks for it. That baby you’re carrying in there deserves that as well.”

  “I don’t know if I can keep it, Tyler. I’m not ready to be a mother.”

  “Like hell you’re not! You tracked me down to California, sacrificed yourself to save me, and spent nearly four months in captivity. You’ve already acted like a mother. Now you get to protect your own.”

  “But what about Knux and the Bonebags? What if they come looking for you or me? And Diesel…”

  “Don’t worry about them. I have us covered. I didn’t leave the Roses empty-handed.” Tyler reaches behind his waistband and lifts the back of his shirt. He pulls a small handgun from under the elastic of his boxers. “This is why I wanted to bring you out here, away from Mom and Dad.”

  He holds out the gun for me to take. “I can’t… I don’t know…”

  “It doesn’t matter. It’s easy. The safety’s right there. Leave it on until you need it off. Then point, pull the trigger, and pull it again just in case.”

  “Tyler—”

  “Blanche! Stop it. You don’t know what kind of danger we are in. Knux and his crew are as bad as what Diesel probably told you, if not worse. They want me gone, and they’ll take everyone down with me. And if they find out you’re carrying Diesel’s baby, they’re not going to show you
any extra mercy. Protect yourself, and I’ll be by your side.”

  “You swear that? You swear you won’t disappear on me again?”

  “I promise, Blanche. It’s me and you from here on out.”

  I take the gun and place it in my sweatshirt’s pocket. The weight of it is nothing, but the information Tyler’s given me is enough to pull me straight to the ground. Somewhere, out there, the Bonebags are looking for us, waiting for a chance to kill us all. Still, all I can think of is Tyler telling me that Diesel deserves the chance I never gave him.