Don't You Want Me

by Liam Livings

  Don’t You

  Want Me

  by

  Liam Livings

  Beaten Track

  www.beatentrackpublishing.com

  Don’t You Want Me

  SMASHWORDS EDITION

  First published 2020 by Beaten Track Publishing

  Copyright © 2020 Liam Livings at Smashwords

  All rights reserved.

  No part of this publication may be reproduced, stored in a retrieval system, or transmitted, in any form or by any means, without the prior permission of the publisher, nor be otherwise circulated without the publisher’s prior consent in any form of binding or cover other than that in which it is published and without a similar condition including this condition being imposed on the subsequent publisher.

  The moral right of the author has been asserted.

  Paperback ISBN: 978 1 78645 474 4

  eBook ISBN: 978 1 78645 475 1

  Cover: Debbie McGowan

  Beaten Track Publishing,

  Burscough, Lancashire.

  www.beatentrackpublishing.com

  Tony

  Looking for love in all the wrong places. Toe-curling, guilt-laden sex with ‘married men seeking discreet fun’. Why doesn’t anyone want a social worker by day, drag queen by night and a Human League fan all day long?

  He deletes the hook-up apps, swears off men. Mentoring Nick, they move beyond friendship. Forced to share a hotel room, Nick’s mixed signals point towards one conclusion. (Hint: it’s well beyond professional.)

  Nick

  Recently single, he’s trying to work out who he is without his ex-boyfriend, who told Nick he’s too this, not enough that, being gay in the wrong way.

  His career gives him purpose, direction. Yet he wants more from Tony than an employee should from his boss. After their passionate night, he needs more than friendship—f**k buddies…or forever boyfriends. (Hint: it’s well beyond physical.) Except Tony’s sworn off men…

  Don’t You Want Me is a friends-to-lovers, forced-proximity, boss/employee gay romance featuring more emotional baggage than allowed by most airlines, lots of kissing and more, plus a guaranteed happy ever after.

  Contents

  Dedication & Thanks

  Chapter 1

  Chapter 2

  Chapter 3

  Chapter 4

  Chapter 5

  Chapter 6

  Chapter 7

  Chapter 8

  Chapter 9

  Chapter 10

  Chapter 11

  Epilogue: Six Months Later

  About the Author

  Beaten Track Publishing

  Dedication

  & Thanks

  There’s a few people who need a damned good thanking for helping me with this book.

  Deb and the Beaten Track Publishing team – Deb is a wonderful editor, improves my writing without reducing any of my ‘voice’ or the characters’ voices. If anyone is looking for any ‘just’, they used to be in this manuscript. And ‘particularly’ or ‘rather’ seem to be my crutch words. Deb has also produced a lovely cover for the story, which, given how Tony is described, is no mean feat.

  Thanks to the Beaten Track team of authors who helped with the blurb and have proofread the story too. It really does take a village…

  Thanks to the RNA’s Rainbow Chapter, which the wonderfully talented Julie Cohen set up. This chapter has been great cheerleaders and encouragement during the last few years. It’s been great to meet some of you in person, and failing that, the virtual meetings have been a salve and spurred me on when I’ve felt stuck with my writing. It’s always lovely to ask questions or talk about my stories with others who don’t need me to explain that it’s about two men falling in love.

  I think I need to thank Tony because he was one of those characters who wouldn’t leave me alone until I gave him his own happy-ever-after. I like writing about gay princes, bodyguards, TV personalities, rent boys, but I also enjoy writing two ordinary men like Tony and Nick.

  But really, this story is for Nick, my dear friend, who lived his life in screaming colour and who sadly passed away at the age of 33. He wasn’t a social worker, he didn’t fall in love with a man called Tony, and he didn’t grow up in Wiltshire. But there’s a considerable number of Nick-isms in the Nick in this story. I just wish I could have given him this book. RIP Nick, you were a wonderful, brightly burning light in my life and I shall never forget you. I blogged about it:

  http://www.liamlivings.com/blog/you-were-in-screaming-colour-remembering-my-friend-nick

  Our relationships with others are what makes life worth living IMO. Tell that friend you love them. Organise that night out or weekend away with your friends or family that you’ve been talking about for ages.

  Love and light,

  Liam Livings xxx

  Chapter 1

  “The thing is,” Tony said, trying to articulate how he felt and failing, “we’re friends, so it can’t be anything more.”

  “And?” Kieran replied. “If gay men didn’t stay friends with their exes, most of us wouldn’t have any friends. So why can’t it go the other way around too?” He shrugged in a nonchalant way, telling Tony it really was rather simple and that Tony was, as usual, making more of a meal of this than he needed to. “Another?” Kieran indicated the coffees on the table in front of them.

  Really, Tony reflected, he wanted to be in a bar with a gin and tonic in his hand rather than in a café looking at a coffee. Adjusting his silver necklaces, he said, “Can you just tell me what to do, please?”

  “I already have. Ask him. Tell him how you feel. What can you lose?”

  My dignity. My friendship. My being in the place where at the moment the relationship is perfect because it doesn’t exist. “I’m quite enjoying the anticipation.”

  “Doesn’t that tell you something?” Kieran motioned for the waitress to come over before giving their order of another two coffees.

  “Chocolate biscuit too, please,” Tony said. “I need the sugar to think.”

  Kieran had come to Salisbury to visit for the weekend, and top of Tony’s list had been discussing the current Nick situation. But as they’d spent the weekend together, the more Tony had tried to talk about it, the more he’d realised he wasn’t sure exactly what the Nick situation was.

  “Have you kissed him?” Kieran asked, sipping his coffee.

  This was where the story became more complicated. Because Tony very much had kissed Nick. In fact, Nick had actually kissed Tony a few times too. Joking. Like it hadn’t meant anything. Wishing they’d got to the nub of the issue earlier—that Kieran had asked this before, or that Tony himself had had the guts to just tell his friend about the Nick kisses sooner—Tony described what had happened. And he realised that was why he’d not told anyone about it: because he’d never found himself in that place with another man before.

  “We’d gone to the pub after work,” he began. “I’d gone with him on a house visit for a really complex and risky family.” Tony, as a more experienced colleague, hadn’t wanted Nick going on his own, so he’d persuaded their boss to hold off until Nick was back from leave so they could go together.

  “He’s going to make a great social worker soon. He’s actually a good one already. Better than me.”

  “Have you stopped dating other people?” Kieran asked.

  Tony nodded. “So anyway, we’re in the pub, celebrating. Low key, and he thanks me for coming with him. For being a friend. And then he leans forward and kisses me.”

  *

  It had been a light kiss on the lips and had taken Tony by surprise. Having had three drinks by then, his reactions weren’t their sharpest, so he hadn’t pulled back in disgust. Plus, more importantly, he wasn’t disgusted.
He’d long been wondering what it would feel like to kiss Nick, to feel his ever-present three days of stubble against his own smooth face. To closely inhale the special scent Nick wore—it reminded Tony of the nineties; it must be a scent that had been big then—sweet, a little sickly, and overpowering. A bit like Nick himself, actually, Tony realised as he breathed in deeply, still being kissed by Nick. And then Tony was kissing him back, leaning forward, pulling his friend and colleague closer, sitting next to each other on the wooden bench in the old man’s pub around the corner from their office, and Nick hadn’t pulled back either.

  They continued like that for a while, until eventually Nick came up for air, wiped his lips with the back of his hand and said, “I’ve got a boner now. Sorry. It’s been ages. I just… It doesn’t… I mean, thanks. That’s all. You don’t, do you?”

  Tony really had wanted to jump into bed with Nick there and then, and if Nick had been a bit more forthright and had suggested disappearing into the gents’ toilet, Tony would have gladly followed him.

  But instead, Nick laughed, said, “Carried away. Sorry. It’s just I’m so happy you were asked to be my mentor. Imagine if it had been Beryl or Mary, or I had gone to another office.”

  But no, he’d come to Tony’s office and had been assigned to Tony, and they’d got on and become friends, and now they were somewhere between friends and lovers, and Tony, having decided he wasn’t going to date, was feeling all of a dither.

  “I’m not dating. I’m having a break from it all,” he said, apropos of nothing, because if he didn’t say something he’d have continued staring into Nick’s dark brown eyes and probably leant forward to stroke his stubbly chin. The kiss had given him a boner too, never mind Nick’s confession, and anyway, surely it was lust and nothing more.

  “Me neither,” Nick said, shifting away on the bench. “Don’t know what came over me. It didn’t mean anything, did it?”

  “‘Course not. I’ve snogged most of my friends. Happens all the time,” Tony lied.

  “Come back to mine. I’ve got a cupboard full of booze. Much cheaper than here.” Nick’s eyes twinkled, and Tony sensed that would be a very bad decision.

  So, naturally, Tony agreed and soon found himself leaning against the work surface of Nick’s kitchen in the house he shared with a few strangers.

  ***

  “I can’t stay the night,” Tony said.

  “Why not?” Nick bounded around the kitchen making cocktails while popcorn popped away in the microwave, filling the air with a buttery smell.

  There was no particular occasion to that evening, nothing special to suggest why Nick had wanted to break open the popcorn or cocktails. All Nick knew was he was enjoying spending time with Tony and they were having fun, so he wanted that to continue.

  The snog, of course, had been a mistake. He didn’t feel like that about Tony. He couldn’t. He was, after all, Nick’s boss—of sorts.

  It was just withdrawal symptoms from being single for so long. Now sufficiently distanced from his controlling ex, Nick had decided not to start dating—in discussion with Tony, who’d also said he was having a break from all the apps and the hook-ups and the endless cycle of men.

  Which was probably why, now, he had Tony in his kitchen, unsure where he was going to sleep that night and unsure what would happen next but sure that he wanted something to happen next, even if he wasn’t clear what that would be. Yet.

  “Because,” Tony was saying, “If I turn up for work tomorrow in the same clothes as I had on yesterday, people will know. And if we arrive together, people will—”

  “Talk?” Nick said. “Let them. We should give them something to talk about. I’d rather be gossiped about than ignored.” And he’d rather be kissed than standing separately in the kitchen, but he didn’t voice that.

  A few minutes later, they were toasting nothing in particular and drinking the cocktails Nick had made. Looking into Tony’s eyes, he said, “It’s good to have friends. I need friends. I’ve had so long without friends I’d almost forgotten what it was like to have them. One.”

  Frowning, Tony said, “Why?”

  “The ex—he didn’t like me doing stuff on my own. He used to ask who I was seeing, where I was going, what I was doing. So in the end, I stopped doing it. Meant I didn’t have any friends, really. It was basically us two.”

  “Didn’t he have friends?”

  “Said they were a waste of time. Said why would he spend time with them when he could spend time with me. Turned out—” He stopped, not wanting to relive that, especially not with Tony.

  “What?” Tony asked gently.

  “Nothing.” Nick shook his head. “Are you staying, then?”

  Tony looked at his watch, obviously made a quick calculation then said, “If I order a taxi, I’ll be lucky to get home before two a.m. now, and I’ve got to be up early. Well, we’ve both got to get to work. So…” He shrugged. “I think it’s a yes. Needs must. Sofa?”

  So Tony definitely wasn’t interested in anything more, Nick realised. Otherwise, he’d have been suggesting something different than sleeping on the sofa. Wouldn’t he? “’Course. But not yet, eh? One more cocktail.”

  “One more cocktail,” Tony said, standing on the opposite side of the kitchen, as far from Nick as he could possibly be without being in a different room.

  Definitely not interested then, Nick decided.

  *

  Arriving at work together caused a fair few raised eyebrows in their department, which Nick rather enjoyed. They didn’t speak any more about Tony staying over, the kisses, and the cocktails in the kitchen that went on until three a.m.

  Exhausted and slightly confused, Nick arrived home alone. He hadn’t felt he could ask Tony to come round again that night, since it would seem too much. Too like they were starting to become best friends and more, and Nick didn’t want to give Tony the wrong impression. So, OK, the kisses had been nice, but they hadn’t meant anything, had they?

  Stupid of him to think about calling Tony now, after a day of sitting in an office next to him. So, he didn’t. He allowed himself a short text—how you feeling?—and waited for the reply.

  He would have called an old friend to talk about his new job, about his new friend and perhaps about the kisses, but Nick realised since the split, he’d been pretty thin on the ground with friends. Colleagues, yes. Housemates, of course, but really, they were only filler. Just mates he’d pass the time of day with, not proper friends.

  And so, he realised, not missing the irony of it, that left him with only one person he could tell about Tony, other than Tony himself, and that was his mother.

  No pleasantries exchanged: Jacqueline was not a woman to waste time on them, especially not with her son, whom she’d been worried about after he’d announced moving to a cheap part of town, having split up with the ex-boyfriend he’d been living with.

  “Do you need money?” she said before Nick had even said hello.

  “I don’t want money,” Nick said, trying to work out how to say what he did want, if he could discuss it with his mother and, indeed, whether he wanted to.

  “I told you. The money I gave you to make up for what he’d gambled away was a gift. No need to pay it back to me. Although would it hurt you to see me a bit more often?” She coughed. “What is it?”

  “I need friends. I’ve got some now. But I think one of them I might want to be more.”

  “Another lover?” Her tone was lascivious and slightly jocular.

  He bit his bottom lip. “Not quite.” He was still turning over in his mind what he felt for Tony and what they’d done together, and how that made him feel. Horny was the major feeling that seemed to surface. He definitely wasn’t going to discuss that with his mother.

  “What then?” Impatience strained in her voice.

  Nick thought for a moment about all the things he and Tony had discussed, all the ground they’d covered about Tony’s terrible taste in men in the face of his eternal optimism of fi
nding his Prince Charming, and it occurred to Nick that maybe he wanted to rescue Tony and be his Prince Charming, and that was why he was so drawn to him.

  That, and he’d started to fantasise about doing all sorts of dirty things to him in bed. Eyes closed on the sofa one evening, he’d imagined how his beard would tickle Tony’s—

  No! He shook that thought from his mind.

  Finally, Nick told his mother, “Friends, I think. Only friends.” Except he wasn’t clear how to have a friendship with another gay man, since he’d had so little experience. He kept expecting the ex to call him and ask him where he’d been, what he was doing, and why he was doing it with another gay man.

  “So what’s the problem?” she asked. “Simple. Be friends. I’ve loads of girlfriends. Couldn’t manage without them, in fact.”

  Yeah, because you get them to do your bidding, running around after you all the time. “It’s different for you.”

  “Because I actually have friends?” she scoffed.

  “No, because you’re not friends with men, are you?”

  Jacqueline paused in obvious thought before saying, “’Course not. Your father wouldn’t brook such a notion. Besides, I don’t believe in men and women being friends. It’s always so complicated.”

  Complicated. That nicely summed up his friendship with Tony. “Which is my problem.”

  “In my experience, complicated often works itself out if you give it enough time.” She left that hanging there in the air, as if it were the most deep and meaningful pearl of wisdom.

  And maybe it was.

  “All I know,” he said, “is I don’t want to be in another relationship.” Ever, soon, now—he wasn’t sure, but he knew the statement to be true.

  “So don’t get yourself into one.”

  It sounded so simple, but quite how that related to his and Tony’s friendship, he didn’t know. Normally, Nick would jump into bed with the guy and never see the new squeeze again. Well, pre-ex-boyfriend ‘normally’. That felt like a long time ago, but Nick could remember it. In those situations, he hadn’t really known the men in question—even though he’d find himself licking, sucking and using every part of their bodies, he didn’t know them know them. Not like how he was getting to know Tony.