The Bullet Trick

by Louise Welsh

  Sylvie stood frozen.

  I said, 'Remember the rumours about my first wife?'

  Then, as if she’d suddenly realised what we were about to do, Sylvie turned and tried to run towards the wings. The ninjas moved quickly. They grabbed my sexy young assistant and forced her high above their heads, ferrying her back to me. Sylvie’s pleas for help cut across the room. Her body looked white against the black of the ninjas’ costumes and the midnight-blue of the backdrop. She freed one leg and swung into an athletic turn, standing upright on one of her tormentors’ shoulders for a split second, like an art deco figurine caught in the moment, but the ninjas regained their hold and pulled her down. I rubbed my hands as they lowered the kicking, screaming girl into the sparkling coffin, latching her in tight, her head and hands at the top, secured like a witch in the stocks, feet poking out through the holes in the other end.

  Sylvie turned her face to the audience appealing to them. I forced fake champagne into her then twirled the table sickeningly fast until the top of her head was facing towards the audience. This was the girls’ cue to do the fancy foot switch, while the bottom end of the box was out of sight. Sylvie cried for help, wiggling her hands, and I birled the table in the opposite direction so the audience could see Ulla’s shoes kicking madly at the other end. I gave the table a final twist, laying the cabinet side-on to the audience, so they could see the whole arrangement now — Sylvie’s frightened face and Ulla’s kicking feet.

  The lights dropped, leaving the stage in darkness save for one golden pool in the centre where the table lay. I got a sudden vision of Sylvie’s half-naked curves lying above Ulla’s svelte form. The thought of the women’s closely packed flesh sent a thrill through me that had been absent in rehearsals. I shook myself against the distraction of my own excitement, took a massive swig from the water in the champagne bottle and gave an evil cackle. One of the ninjas jogged on with a giant two-handed saw. We wobbled the saw between us, showing the audience its evil-looking teeth and then set to work, he at one end, I at the other, the only noise in the room the sound of metal eating through wood and Sylvie’s petrified sobs. Ulla wiggled her feet frantically, the red shoes glinting as if they were desperate to separate themselves from the encumbrance of a body and begin a whirling, dancing life of their own.

  The saw cut through the final layer of balsa, I bowed my thanks to the ninja and he ran off-stage, leaving the saw on the floor behind him, its discarded presence as much a part of the thrill as a centrefold’s abandoned panties.

  Slowly but slowly I approached the box; I hesitated for a beat, then reached out and gently separated the two sides. Sylvie’s dark eyes were wide, her red mouth opened in a horrified silent scream, blood dripped from the box where the severed legs still danced.

  The crowd roared, but I looked with horror at the cavorting red shoes. I shook my head then slammed the two sides of the box home, spinning the table until I got the signal that Sylvie and Ulla had regained their original places.

  Sylvie cried, 'Have mercy.'

  And the ninjas handed me seven long silver swords, unlatched the box and dragged her screaming into a new coffin, this time making her stand upright, sealing it shut while I sliced seven round, green watermelons in two, displaying the deep pink flesh of their insides to the audience, licking the last one lasciviously before I threw it into the wings.

  There was a drum roll and I thrust each of the blades into the box, pushing them hard, forcing against the resistance inside, until their sharp tips emerged, silver dripping red, from the other side. I crisscrossed the blades until it seemed no one could have hidden from their cuts, but when I slid them free and opened the door, instead of a punctured and bloody corpse there was Sylvie, triumphant and unscathed.

  She said, 'Now will you free me?'

  But behind us the ninjas were setting up a new device. A simple black-painted board, the same size and dimensions as a coffin. The board was decorated with a woman’s curved silhouette, a silhouette formed of concentric black and red rings. A female-shaped shooting target with the bull’s-eye roughly where the woman’s mouth would be. Thick leather straps topped by metal buckles were attached to the figure’s wrists and ankles. Sylvie turned, saw it and gasped, but once again the ninjas were too quick for my poor assistant. They secured her against the board and placed a clear, door-sized panel of glass between her and the audience. I took a revolver out of my pocket and stroked it gently.

  'This is your last chance. If you escape this ordeal then I will let you go free. If not…

  well… it’s been nice knowing you.'

  Sylvie struggled against her bonds. I climbed off-stage and approached a table of men.

  'Sirs, will you watch while I load my gun with six live bullets?' They stared warily at my hands while I slotted the ammunition home, then each man nodded to show that the barrel was full. I handed the gun to the man nearest me. 'Sir, will you please hand this gun around your friends, I’d like you all to confirm that there is a bullet in every chamber.' The men passed the gun between themselves, weighing it in their palms, looking at the shells snug in their little hollows. Once more, each man nodded in turn. I said, 'Could you say it out loud please, so that everyone can hear you?'

  And one by one they confirmed that, Yes, the chamber is full.

  I turned to the man I had first accosted, a young blond boy with a clean-cut, intelligent-looking face.

  'Thank you, sir. Now I’m going to ask if you could give the chamber a spin so that there is no way that I could have concealed a dud amongst the live bullets.' I handed the gun towards the man but he refused to take it. 'What’s wrong? Don’t you want to help me shoot my beautiful assistant?'

  'No.'

  The boy’s smile was embarrassed. He shook his head shyly, aware of his friends’

  laughter, but unwilling to handle the weapon all the same. I held my hands out, gesturing casually as if I had almost forgotten that I was holding the gun.

  'Don’t laugh, this is a serious business, he has every right to refuse to help. Who knows?' I looked evilly around the room. 'He may be the only one of you who doesn’t end the night on a charge of abetting a murder.' I looked at the revolver in my hand as if I had suddenly remembered it. 'Now, is anyone a little less squeamish than my young friend here?'

  I scanned the audience, spotting Dix watching me, pale and intent from a centre table.

  His grey eyes, still as ice, caught mine and I faltered, but I had no need to jeopardise the illusion by appealing to someone I might have been seen with. I rallied myself and shouted,

  'Anyone brave enough to help me out?' The young man’s refusal had been exactly what was needed. The hilarity had gone from the room; in its place was a tension I hadn’t felt in Schall und Rauch before.

  Sylvie shouted, 'Don’t help him.'

  And a square-jawed man got to his feet, raising his hand in the air. I passed over the revolver and he gave the barrel three sharp spins, his face flushed. As he handed it back he whispered low enough that only I could hear, 'Shoot the bitch through the heart.'

  I took the gun off him without faltering.

  'Thank you very much, Sir.'

  And walked into the centre of the audience, facing the stage where Sylvie stood shivering behind the transparent pane of glass. The prop shifters dragged on a huge padded mattress and placed it to her left.

  I undid my tie, leaving its limp ends hanging down my white shirt, trying to look like a ruined man, then cast my gaze across the room and said, 'Love is a strange and fragile thing.' I lifted the gun and pointed it at Sylvie. She shrank against her board. I took a deep breath, squeezed the trigger and fired it, BANG, into the mattress, sending an explosion of stuffing into a small dark blizzard around the stage. 'I used to love that woman, but she took my love and…’ BANG. The mattress took another hit and the smell of cordite filled the room. 'Ruined it.' I looked about the hall. 'It’s enough to drive a man…’ BANG, BANG, BANG. I dropped my voice to the low mild tone of th
e clinically insane. '… Mad.'

  I turned, took aim, raised my arm and fired. The glass in front of Sylvie shattered, she jerked against the board and someone screamed. Then there was silence.

  Sylvie stood intact with something clamped tight between her teeth. The ninjas jogged on and released her. She massaged her wrists then reached into her mouth, took out a bullet and held it high.

  The crowd broke into noisy applause; I bounded on-stage to the accompaniment of laughter and hisses. We took our bows, the curtain descended and the lights came up for the interval.

  Gina sat dizzyingly high above us at the suspended baby grand, her black hair spiked into a plume, her slim legs pumping against the pedals as she banged out a honky-tonk number. She shook her head with the melody and peered through her glasses, smiling at the party down below.

  The theatre’s seats and tables had been pushed around the side of the hall; a few couples had started to dance, but most people were still at the drinking stage. I leant by the bar listening to one of the clowns describe the new act his troupe were rehearsing, a mime gag that involved disguising him as a mechanical doll. It was an old ruse, but a good one.

  If I’d known it was Ulla’s birthday I would have bought her a gift. The triumph of the evening’s performance was soured by the missed opportunity. I swirled my drink around my glass wondering what I would have got her. Flowers? No, the clowns gave those to her all the time. Jewellery? Maybe too elaborate. Tomorrow I would walk along the Kurfürstendamm and search for a modest but thoughtful present. Something Scottish? No, something chic but simple, something that would make her look at me in another way. I wondered what Kolja had bought her, perhaps a fancy frame and a new portrait of himself.

  The party was mainly composed of people from Schall und Rauch, some still dressed in costume, others in street clothes, some half in, half out. They were performers, most of them in their twenties. I looked around the room and thought that maybe I should find a gym and try to get fit. Or maybe I should just join a library and find some good books to fill the long, lonely hours with.

  Erhard gave Sylvie a hug and his twin Archard came up behind, enclosing her between their two tattooed bodies. My assistant looked like the dancer she was in a natty black cocktail dress whose skirt was all fringes, and a pair of satin shorts that made the most of her legs. Beside me the clown started to mime the new act; I laughed, watching Sylvie out of the corner of my eye as she smiled, showing her perfect American teeth, and wriggled out of the twins’ embrace. I wondered if the rumours about the twins’ sex life were true. It was an interesting thought.

  I scanned the room looking for Ulla, realising that the party was getting busier as people drifted in from other shows. Eventually I spotted her on the far side of the room amongst a small knot of well wishers, with Kolja smiling by her side. She’d swapped the high red shoes for a pair of sneakers but still wore the cut-off leggings and vest. They gave her the look of a scruffy principal boy. She laughed and looked up at Kolja. I took a sip of my drink and nodded to show that I was listening to the clown’s description of the aluminium mask he hoped would fool the audience into thinking he was a mechanical man.

  There was a light touch on my arm and I turned to see Nixie standing beside me.

  'Hello, William.' Her voice was soft and hesitant. The clown gave me a wink, lifted his drink and went into the crowd. Nixie leaned up and kissed me gently on either cheek.

  'Sorry.'

  'Hey, no worries,' I grinned. 'It worked out OK in the end.'

  She smiled. I could see the low neckline of her leotard beneath the gauzy yellow shirt she’d thrown on top. I hesitated; Nixie’s English was equal to my German, but perhaps we could find other ways of communicating. Sylvie was chatting animatedly in the midst of a group of people I didn’t recognise. She looked towards me, raising her eyebrows comically as she saw me leaning in to offer Nixie a drink. I ignored Sylvie’s amusement and headed for the bar.

  I was passing Nixie a chilled glass of white when I spotted a tall slim figure I knew walking into the hall. The hula girl raised her glass.

  'Prost!'

  Her blonde hair was soft and fluffy, her little body as tight and pneumatic as a high-school-movie . She looked wholesome and sweet and she liked me. I gave her a kiss, asked the barman for a glass of champagne and started to make my way across the room.

  Zelda had swapped her sailorgirl costume for a sophisticated cowgirl look. Tight blue jeans and high-heeled western boots emphasised her long legs, her open-necked white shirt was crisp and cool, a simple gold lariat pointed from the hollow of her throat down into the crevice between her breasts. All she needed was a hat, a six-shooter and a donkey. I’d never really suited hats and my gun was with the rest of my props, but maybe I could help her out with the donkey side of things. She’d positioned herself by the stage and was standing on her own, glancing around the room, looking as if she wished she hadn’t come. I slid up on her blind side and held out the glass of champagne.

  'Drink?'

  Zelda smiled.

  'Thank you.' She took the glass and lifted it to her lips, leaving a trace of lipstick on its rim. 'I wondered if I would see you here.' I forced my face to stay straight, trying not to look too pleased. Zelda’s voice was amused. 'I heard there was some trouble at the Nachtreview after I left.'

  'Maybe a little.' I kept my voice casual. 'Is Sebastian with you?'

  'No.' She shook her head laughing. 'He’s angry with himself for letting Sylvie back.'

  'It wasn’t her fault, Zelda, a man started to hassle her.'

  'Hassle?'

  'Harass.'

  Zelda shrugged her shoulders.

  'I wonder why.' She didn’t wait for me to defend Sylvie any further. 'You didn’t leave me a ticket.'

  'I hope you didn’t pay.'

  'No,' she gestured vaguely to the room. 'I know people here.'

  'It was the first evening, so not as slick as we will be.'

  Zelda knew the performers’ etiquette of false modesties, genuine insecurities and praise that was sometimes sincere, sometimes not, but was always welcome.

  'You’re very skilled.'

  'I’ve always been good with my hands.'

  Zelda shook her head, smiling.

  'So I saw…’ She looked out towards the dance floor, searching the crowd with her eyes.

  '… And you like the torture stuff?'

  'No,' I grinned. 'No, it’s all for the act. I’m…’ I hesitated, not sure what I was going to say. 'I’m not into pain.'

  Zelda laughed again.

  'Not for yourself perhaps, but you chop women in two, stick them full of knives then shoot them.'

  There was an edge to her words that I hadn’t expected.

  'It’s just an act, Zelda.'

  'Yes?' She took another sip of champagne, looking at me over the rim of the glass. 'So as long as it’s pretend that’s OK?'

  The conversation seemed to have snaked out of my control.

  'I think so, yes.'

  Zelda smiled.

  'You and I see the world differently, William.'

  'Perhaps you could educate me.'

  'Do I look like a school miss?'

  'No, but I imagine you’ve got the costume somewhere.'

  A slim woman in black jeans, shirt and leather jacket that I recognised as one of the ninja prop shifters emerged from the press of people and slid her arm around Zelda. They kissed and Zelda lifted the champagne to her friend’s lips. The dark girl took a tiny sip.

  Zelda smiled as if the off-duty ninja had just done something clever and the two girls leaned into each other. The ninja looked at me with mild unthreatened eyes. No one bothered to introduce me.

  I turned to go. 'Have a good party.'

  Zelda lifted her glass.

  'Thanks for the drink. You were good, William. But you don’t need women’s blood to make you look talented.'

  'Thanks for the advice.'

  She shrugged.

 
'It comes free with every glass of champagne.'

  High up on the baby grand Gina drove the keys into an up-tempo number. The dark girl put her arm through Zelda’s, leading her onto the dance floor. Zelda looked back over her shoulder.

  'Remember what I told you, strange people make for strange times.'

  I said, 'Aye, aye.' Irritated by her white shirt, her smooth lipstick smile and the long legs stepping away from me. I turned to look for Nixie, wondering if I could regain ground, and saw Ulla moving slowly through the squeeze of bodies towards the office.

  'Happy birthday.'

  Ulla looked distracted but she gave me a smile.

  'Thanks, William.'

  'If I’d known I would have got you a present.'

  'There was no need.'

  She glanced nervously in the direction she’d been heading. The party was busy now and it was difficult to make headway without pushing through knots of people.

  'Thanks again for helping us out.'

  'You’ve thanked me already.'

  'Sorry.' I grinned. 'What I really meant to say was… ’ I hesitated and Ulla looked worried. '… May I have this dance?'

  Ulla laughed but her eyes still flickered away from me.

  'I’m looking for Kolja.'

  'He can dance with you anytime.' I turned my mouth down at the corners. 'I’m beginning to think German girls are unfriendly.'

  Ulla sighed, and then smiled.

  'OK, one dance.'

  We moved towards the floor just as Gina switched from the up-tempo number she’d been playing into a German hit that I didn’t recognise and whose beat I couldn’t catch. Ulla was a good dancer, light on her feet with a nice synchronisation between her shoulders and hips. I lumbered as close to the rhythm as I could get, hoping my clumsiness was endearing. I wondered what kind of a dancer Kolja was, but couldn’t imagine him sharing the floor with anyone else. The music shifted into another song, I kept dancing, but Ulla was determined.