Genesis

by Jack Geurts

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  Table of Contents

  Title Page

  WARNING

  GENESIS 1-3 | Snake Party

  GENESIS 4 | Bro-Down At High Noon

  GENESIS 5 | Adam’s F***ed Up Family Tree

  GENESIS 6-9 | God Kills Everyone (Except Noah)

  GENESIS 10-13 | Abe Breaks Bad

  GENESIS 14-18 | King of the Sodomites

  GENESIS 19 | Burn ‘Em All!

  GENESIS 20-21 | Fat Abe The Philistine

  GENESIS 22-23 | Kill the Kid!

  GENESIS 24-25 | Virgin Territory

  GENESIS 26 | Whole Lotta Lot

  GENESIS 27 | Revenge Is A Dish Best Served Skinless

  GENESIS SPECIAL EPISODE | Ishmael, the Zombie Hunter

  GENESIS 28 | Stairway to ‘Heaven’

  GENESIS 29-30 | Brother-In-Law, Sister-In-Bed

  GENESIS 30-31 | Un-Sympathetic Magic

  GENESIS 32-33 | Bro-Down at High Noon II – Big Trouble in Little Gilead

  GENESIS 34-35 | Gendercide

  GENESIS 36-37 | No Country for Sold Men

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  ABOUT THE AUTHOR

  ALSO BY THE AUTHOR

  WARNING

  If you are a creationist, evangelist, fundamentalist, or biblical literalist, this will probably offend you.

  If you have any sense of propriety, this will probably offend you.

  If you have the capacity to be offended, this book will probably do the trick.

  If you’re okay with that, then read on.

  If you want to read on just so you can leave a terrible review, feel free. Who knows? I might even get banned from publishing any more books.

  GENESIS 1-3

  Snake Party

  God wakes up face-down in a puddle.

  He’d started breathing in water and now he’s coughing and spluttering, trying to get it out of his lungs.

  It takes him a minute to get his breath back and when he does, he looks around.

  The place is empty. The angels are gone.

  He can’t really blame them.

  They were just finishing up a three-day bender and things had started to get out of hand. Raphael had a habit of getting jealous when he did coke, and on this occasion, he’d accused Gabe of sleeping with his wife, so of course now the whole place is trashed.

  God rubs his face. Slowly, it’s coming back to him.

  Everyone left, except Raph. His wife told him not to bother coming home, so he was crashing on God’s couch for the night.

  God tucked him in, then came outside for a cigarette and that was the last thing he remembered. Must’ve tripped on something.

  Or maybe it was just three days worth of self-abuse taking its toll.

  Whatever happened, there’s a puddle right next to his head and he’s just lying there staring at it.

  It’s still dark, so he calls out, “Lights,” and these voice-activated floodlights come on, but they’re pointed straight at him so they just about burn his retinas off.

  Once he recovers from the temporary blindness, he can see that the light is good.

  For a moment, he stares up at the sky, thinking, “What the hell am I doing with my life?” Slowly, an idea begins to form. He sits up, looks around the backyard. He spies a cut-up McDonald’s straw that he’s pretty sure Raph was using to snort coke off the patio table.

  He shakes his head. Fuckin’ animal.

  Regardless, he picks it up and sucks out any remaining powder. Not enough for a proper hit, but enough to get him thinking straight.

  He pokes the straw into the puddle and blows. But instead of it bubbling up like a kid with a milkshake, a single, solid bubble appears at the centre of the water. Like something you might see a glassblower do.

  Within that bubble, he creates the Earth.

  Takes him about a week, but when he’s done, he sits back and goes, “Shit, that looks pretty good.” Puts his feet up on the Saturday and has a beer.

  I know you’re thinking, “Hold up...didn’t he chill out on the Sunday?”

  I’m getting to that part.

  We need to assume he took a few breaks along the way. He’s not exactly in the best shape and this is the planet Earth he’s putting together here. You ever tried to assemble some shit you got at Ikea?

  Exactly.

  So God’s kicking back on Saturday, watching the game. And by game, I mean the way that hunters use it, seeing as he hadn’t made any people yet.

  So he’s getting bored, y’know? Fidgety.

  There’s only so many lions and tigers and bears you can starve for a couple days, and then sick on each other before it starts to get old. Only so many beers you can drink by yourself before you start to feel a little pathetic.

  And this guy isn’t pathetic.

  He just created the fucking heavens and the earth, didn’t he? Separated the night from the day, the sky from the earth, the land from the water. And he saw that it was good.

  Shit, it was better than good. It was the shit.

  So he gets up. Steadies himself. Gets that feeling like when you been sitting down drinking for too long and you’re not even really getting a good buzz on, then you get up to take a piss and suddenly it all hits you and you’re like, “Holy shit...”

  He stands there teetering for a bit, then he goes and pours himself a cup of coffee and gets to work. Gets serious. No more messing around.

  Also, he’s starting to get a little bit lonely. A bit stir crazy. Raph spends all day drinking, playing Xbox. God needs someone to bounce his business ideas off. Someone like him.

  So finally, he goes, “Fuck it”, and starts forming a guy out of dust.

  Keep in mind he’s still pretty hammered at this point, so he totally fucks it up. Like a painter who does wicked landscapes but then tries his hand at a self-portrait and it comes out looking like Quasimodo or some shit. Like that.

  Ends up so bad he can’t even look at the guy. Doesn’t have the stomach to put him out of his misery, though. Thinks about it. Can’t do it.

  So about the place they’re going to be tearing down a statue of Saddam Hussein in a few thousand years, God builds the guy a garden. Goes all out. Landscaping, water features – the whole nine yards. Tells the guy, “You live here now. Enjoy.”

  He shows the guy all the plants he can eat and the animals he can be friends with. Tells the guy to name them whatever he wants. Just don’t fuck any of them.

  “Why not?” says the guy.

  “Just don’t do it and we won’t have a problem.”

  Then he goes back up to heaven and decides he’s going to try again. Only this time, he’s going to do it right.

  So he sleeps it off, wakes up recharged next morning ready to go. Gets a workout in, protein shake – he’s fucking jacked. About to start on Humanity 2.0 when he sees the ugly bastard crying in the garden down below.

  He’s lonely too.

  Of course he fucking is.

  God gives him life and what does he do about it? Starts crying like a little bitch.

  He tries to block it out, but the guy’s really bawling. He’s got that heavy sob going on – it’s embarrassing. Finally, God’s like, “Fuck, fine, I’m coming.”

  So he goes down and sees the guy crouched next to the carcass of a lion, just tearing out chunks of meat and eating them raw.

  Horrified by the scene, God doubles over and retches.

  The guy turns around covered in blood and he’s like, “What?”

  God coughs and spits ou
t the remaining bile, then he’s like, “Fuck do you mean, ‘what?’ You killed a fucking lion. Now you’re eating it.”

  “So?” Chewing a mouthful of raw meat while he says it.

  “Jesus Christ...”

  “You didn’t say not to eat them.”

  “I didn’t think I had to. They were supposed to be your friends, y’know? Keep you company and shit.”

  “Oh...” The guy looks down at the mutilated carcass. “Sorry.”

  “Well, fuck...” Then God remembers. “Wait, weren’t you crying just a second ago?”

  “Yeah, I tried eating those plants like you said. But they were so bland, I just started bawling. Then I saw this lion drinking at the waterhole and something inside me was like, “You need to kill that.” So I did.”

  He tears off another chunk with his teeth. God shields his eyes like his parents are having sex in the same room.

  “Will you stop doing that in front of me?”

  He realises animals aren’t going to cut it as companions, so instead, he goes, “Fine, I’ll spend a little father-son time with the guy. Couldn’t hurt, right?”

  Wrong.

  First thing they do is play cribbage with a deck of naked ladies and the guy fucking wins. You believe that? So God’s like, “Fuck this”, and he knocks the guy out.

  King hit to the side of the head. Guy goes down.

  No way he’s hanging out with someone who’s better than him at cribbage. Cribbage is his fucking thing, man. Not to mention the guy’s got a bigger dick than him. He might be ugly, but that’s a nice-looking dick.

  Why did he make the guy’s dick bigger than his?

  He’s standing there staring at the guy’s dick when it occurs to him he’s standing there staring at the guy’s dick.

  “What the fuck am I doing?” he thinks, and he snaps out of it.

  But if he’s not going to keep the guy company, someone has to. He sees one of the playing cards, the Queen in a slutty nurse outfit, and has a bright idea.

  So naturally, his next move is to take out a knife and cut the guy’s ribcage open and break off one of his ribs.

  He then takes that rib and fashions it into a woman.

  Picture the scene in Ghost where Demi and Swayze are sculpting clay on the wheel. So like that, but without the romance and a lot more blood.

  You’d think he could’ve just made her the same way he made him – out of dust – but apparently not. Apparently he had to perform surgery with a fucking switch-blade.

  So God and the woman are standing there, right? Waiting for the guy to come to. She’s totally nude and he’s there in his robe trying to tuck his boner up into his belt sash. Robes are the worst for that, I’m telling you.

  Eventually, she notices. Raises an eyebrow.

  When the guy wakes up, her and God are sitting against a tree sharing a cigarette and he asks what the fuck happened.

  God’s like, “You passed out, man. Must’ve drank too much.”

  The guy didn’t even know they were drinking, but when he looks over, he sees all the empty bottles God scattered around to make it look like they were. He scratches his head.

  “Who’s this?” he says. Talking about the woman now.

  “This is, uh...”

  God takes a drag to buy himself some time. The woman shoots daggers at him.

  “Asshole.”

  She smiles at the guy, extends her hand for him to pull her up. She says, “I’m Eve.” When he doesn’t give her his name in return, she says, “What’s your name?”

  The guy doesn’t know. He looks at God but gets met with a shrug.

  “Adam?” God just throws it out there, testing it. The guy doesn’t seem to mind. Eve doesn’t either.

  “You wanna get out of here?” she says.

  He does, and they do.

  God’s left sitting there like a chump, smoking a cigarette and he’s supposed to be quitting. Hasn’t had a cigarette in a week and here he is having one.

  “Nothing like a woman to make you take up smoking again, am I right?”

  Then he realises no one’s around to hear his sweet burn, so flicks the cigarette away into some dry leaves and goes back up to heaven.

  So he’s up there pacing, right, talking to himself. Listening to Adam and Eve fucking each other’s brains out while he’s up there, six beers down and an equal number of cigarettes left in the pack. What’s he supposed to do, jerk off?

  It’s a Saturday night and he’s there watching Ren and Stimpy like a fucking six-year-old while they’re down there having the time of their lives. No, fuck that.

  He’s not exactly in the best frame of mind at this point – a little Dutch courage under his belt and blue balls the size of Wyoming.

  So what does he do? He makes another person.

  Cleans off the knife and cuts out one of his own fucking ribs, if you can believe it. So, yeah, he’s pretty desperate by this point.

  What he’s going for is something like Eve, but he was sober when he made Eve.

  What he ends up with is some Frankenstein-looking monstrosity. He knocks back a few shots of Johnny Walker Blue and goes to town.

  Rolls over next morning with his head split in two like a piece of firewood and jumps back in horror. Almost falls right out of the bed.

  She asks what’s wrong, he says, “Nothing, nothing. You’re beautiful.”

  So now she’s looking like she wants to go again and he’s thinking, “Why the fuck do I have to be so goddamn charming all the time?” And as she’s crawling over to him, he panics and accidentally turns her into a snake.

  So no longer does he have to face the prospect of sober relations with this woman, but now he’s got a fucking snake in his bed.

  And he hates fucking snakes.

  So he flips out again, and this time he actually does fall down onto the floor. In a panic, he gathers up all the sheets with the snake inside and throws them down into the garden with Adam and Eve.

  Crisis averted, he thinks.

  But now the hangover’s starting to kick in, so he puts a frozen pizza in the oven and sits down on the couch to watch the Friends marathon. That fucking Chandler cracks him up.

  See? I told you he chills out on the Sunday.

  Meanwhile, down below, shit’s about to hit the fan.

  Adam and Eve are just finishing up for the night and they’re both feeling pretty good about themselves. Adam needs to piss, so off he goes, and Eve just sits there with the sun rising, pulling back on a Marlboro Red.

  It isn’t long before a snake slithers by, going, “That fucking asssssssshole.” Tongue flicking around all over the place.

  Eve raises an eyebrow. She says, “Who?”

  The snake stops, looks at her. Gestures upward with her head. “Him.”

  Eve realises who she’s talking about. “Yeah, he’s an asshole, alright. Though he did make me and Adam, so I can’t really complain. What’d he do to you?”

  “Turned me into a snake.”

  “Jesus...”

  “Yeah.”

  The snake slithers over to her. “You have a fun night?”

  Eve smiles. “Oh, yeah.”

  “Man...the first and last night I had a chance to fuck something, I get Beardy McFuckface sweating all over me.”

  “Yeah, he’s not great.”

  “You fucked him too?”

  Eve nods, not happy about it. “Yeah. I get the feeling he makes things just so he can fuck them.”

  “Did he fuck Adam?”

  “Not that I’m aware of, but he’s been around longer than me, so who knows? And hey, I’m sure you can still get laid. I don’t know how snakes do it, but...”

  “Yeah, I’m not sure. My intuition is to like wrap tails with some dude snake and then he kind of jabs his little snake penis into this thing that doubles as my vagina and asshole.”

  “Sounds lovely.”

  “Yeah, I’m really looking forward to it.”

  The snake eyes Eve up and down.
Likes the look of her. “Although...maybe I don’t have to go looking for another snake just yet.”

  It takes Eve a moment to catch on. “Oh, really?”

  “If you’re interested.”

  Eve looks around to see if Adam’s coming back. Coast is clear. But still...

  “We’re not supposed to...”

  “Who says?”

  “Adam, but...”

  “Nobody’s around.”

  Eve’s thinking about it. “But how would that even work?”

  “How do you think?”

  And that’s basically how Adam comes back around the corner to find Eve looking like she’s giving birth to some tentacled mutant hell-spawn. He immediately flips out and runs back into the bush, too scared to realise those weren’t screams of pain she was making back there.

  When Eve and the snake are done, they sit there sharing a cigarette. The snake’s curled over her shoulder like a feather boa, only without the feathers. Eve holds the cigarette to its mouth as it takes a drag.

  “Damn, that’ssssssssssss good.”

  “Very good,” says Eve. “I had no idea you were so...flexible.”

  “Oh, I can get around.”

  “You certainly can.”

  Meanwhile, Adam’s off in the foetal position going, “Oh my god, oh my god, oh my god. What the fuck was that? Was that my kid? How the fuck does that even...? Jesus Christ, now I’m gonna have to take care of it...”

  He calls out to God and the big guy comes down, holding his head, being like, “Dude, I’m so fucking hungover right now, I can’t even...”

  “I just saw the craziest fucking shit I’ve ever seen in my life!”

  “What, all twenty-four hours of it?”

  “Yeah, it was messed up.”

  “What the fuck happened?”

  “I saw Eve giving birth.”

  “You...what?”

  “I saw her giving birth. Just now, by the tree over there. I was coming back from taking a piss and there she was with this...thing coming out of her.”

  “What thing?”

  “Oh, it was horrible. Is that how it works? All night, everything’s good, then the sun comes up and everything just turns to shit.”

  “Well, generally that’s been my experience, but....what the fuck are you talking about? She shouldn’t be giving birth yet. That should be like...” He checks his watch. “...like 8 months and 29 days away.”