Genesis

by Jack Geurts

  Esau gets in on the joke too. “You gonna turn to stone if the sun rises?”

  They both laugh.

  But God just looks defeated. Ashamed. “No...I just don’t want anyone to see me like this.”

  Then he’s gone.

  Jake turns back to Esau, who says, “Satisfied? It’s all yours, bro.”

  “Bro...” Jake says, reacting to the word pleasantly. “Never thought I’d hear that again.”

  Another smile.

  “Hey, I was thinking...” Esau says, standing up and walking around the couch. “How do you feel about going home together?”

  “To your home?”

  “To our home. To mom. We can be brothers again. I’ll bring my family up and we can all live there together. Tend our flocks side by side. Watch our kids play together. Grow old and watch them have families of their own.”

  “I’d like that,” Jake says. His voice begins to break, overcome with emotion. “I’ve been dreading this day for so long. I never thought...”

  Esau nods, tearing up a little himself. He opens his arms wide. “Come here, man. Bring it in.”

  Jake seems a little put-off by the slimy skinlessness that is his brother, but he can’t deny Esau a hug. Not after forgiving him like that. He steps forward, embracing him. Esau’s wet, skinless arms close around Jake and he has to stop himself from shuddering with disgust.

  “Hey, I was thinking...” Jake says, trying to take his mind off the hug. “Why’d you bring four hundred men with you if you weren’t planning to kill me?”

  Esau laughs. “They’re not warriors, man. They’re servants. My gift to you.”

  “Oh,” Jake says, relieved. “Really? All of them?”

  “You bet.”

  “Wow. You shouldn’t have.”

  Then he slides the previously-concealed dagger up through Esau’s ribs and into his heart...

  Esau stiffens. He gasps.

  He staggers back, eyes wide and full of betrayal.

  Before he can say anything, he drops to the ground, dead.

  Jake stares at his body, racked with guilt. He closes his eyes, knowing it was the only way – the only way to be sure.

  Taking a moment to compose himself, he walks outside, where he’s faced with four hundred servants holding torches. Almost in unison, they stop talking and turn to face him. He’s got the bloody outline of Esau’s body all over his clothes from where the skinless bastard hugged him.

  “Esau’s dead,” Jake says, addressing the crowd. “I believe he told you what the new arrangement is...”

  He lets the statement linger like a question.

  No reaction from the crowd. No anger, no sorrow. They are servants, after all. What do they care if one master dies and gets replaced with another? Doesn’t change the fact that when the sun rises, they’ll still be servants.

  “Well, just in case anyone’s unclear...”

  At that moment, Jake shifts. He’s suddenly filled with an almost-rabid energy, and begins pacing back and forth, staring at everyone with wide eyes, like he’s just done a few lines of coke. But it’s not drugs he’s high on – it’s power, baby. The ultimate drug.

  “I am your master now!” Jake shouts. “...and I’m the father of this great nation. God just signed off on it himself. Don’t believe me?” He laughs, really leaning into the whole supervillain thing. “Try anything and he’ll strike you the fuck down! Any questions? No, didn’t think so.”

  He points to a part of the crowd. “You guys, go get some wood for a funeral pyre.”

  He points to another part. “You guys, come in here and get the body.”

  As the servants do what they’re told, Jake begins to cackle maniacally – flecks of spit flying from his lips, eyes bulging, arms outstretched to the sky, like he’s just been crowned king of the motherfucking world.

  The camp is bathed in a warm, orange glow as the sun begins to rise. It’s like God himself is smiling down on what’s happening here.

  If this were a movie – if Jake hadn’t literally just stabbed his own brother in the back, and if he wasn’t cackling like a mad scientist who’d just given birth to some terrifying monstrosity – this is where the orchestral music would swell, and we’d slowly fade out.

  Instead, how about we just cut to black.

  GENESIS 34-35

  Gendercide

  After murdering his brother in cold blood, Jake (aka Israel, aka Izzy) continues on with his family to the city of Shechem. Keep in mind, a city back then wasn’t what it is today – we’re probably talking about a few thousand people, max.

  Jake buys a plot of land from the prince – who is, confusingly, also named Shechem (but who we’ll call Sheck) – and sets about pitching his tents there, just outside the city walls.

  One day, Dinah (Jake’s only daughter) decides she’s sick of hanging around her twelve brothers and goes into the city to see if she can’t find herself some ladies to shoot the shit with.

  Leah and Rachel and Billie and Zillie are cool, but they’re all like moms to her. She wants someone a little closer to her own age. A sister. Not like how a sibling might use the word, but more like how a drunken sorority girl might.

  She’s looking to get a little loose. A little crazy. She’s been cooped up in that tent for too long, smothered by all the antics with her dad and her granddad and her uncles. It’s time for her to do her. To get out there and explore. To figure out what it means to be a woman in biblical-era Canaan.

  What could possibly go wrong?

  So there she is, in the marketplace, when who should ride past but the motherfucking prince himself. It’s all very Aladdin. Middle-Eastern marketplace. Commoner meets royalty. Just, y’know, with the male and female roles reversed.

  Shechem (aka Sheck) dismounts his camel when he sees her, getting his guards to clear the way so he can approach, and gaze upon her beauty.

  “My gods...” he says, lovestruck. “You’re beautiful. Please, you must tell me your name. I’ll die if I don’t hear it.”

  Dinah takes a step back, putting her palm out in a ‘keep your distance, sailor’ kind of motion. “Okay, buddy boy, you’re coming on a tad strong there. You might wanna try a little less, “I must have you now,” and a little more, “Hi, I’m so-and-so. What’s your name?” Maybe you wanna start over?”

  Sheck blushes, embarrassed. Not just because he’s been put in his place by a commoner (and a female commoner at that), but because there are a few local shopkeepers nearby who are giggling at him.

  Sheck’s eyes narrow to slits. He looks at his guards, gesturing to the gleeful shopkeepers with a jerk of his head.

  Giggles turn to screams as the guards make short but gruesome work of dishing out the prince’s justice. Sheck and Dinah are splattered with blood, but neither of them seem to notice. They’re too lost in each other’s eyes.

  “Sorry,” Sheck says, wiping the viscera from his cheek. “I, uh...don’t get out of the palace much.”

  Equally oblivious to the horrific display of violence carried out within mere feet of her, Dinah smiles. “Same here.” She corrects herself. “Well, not the palace. The tent.”

  Sheck laughs. Dinah laughs.

  *

  Later, in Sheck’s bedroom overlooking the city and the rugged desert beyond, Dinah is getting dressed. Okay, so her plan to find some friends didn’t work out exactly as she thought it would – sue her, she banged a prince instead.

  Don’t act like you wouldn’t do the same. Chicks before dicks only works if the dick isn’t royalty. Not to mention she hadn’t even found any chicks to put the dick before.

  The sun’s about to set, and Prince Sheck is getting nervous for some reason.

  “You, uh...almost done?”

  “Easy, pal,” Dinah says. “I think my virginity buys me at least a few minutes to get dressed.”

  “I’m sorry, I didn’t mean it like that. It’s just...”

  “And what was all that talk about getting married and living happil
y ever after?”

  “I meant every word of it, Dinah. I just...”

  “You said you loved me...”

  “I do love you. It’s just...”

  “Just what?”

  Sheck lets out a sigh. “I guess you’ll find out eventually. Sooner’s probably better than later.”

  Dinah frowns. “What is it, like some weird fetish? ‘Cause I’m not here to kink-shame. In fact, I’m more than happy to experi...”

  At that moment, the sun dips below the horizon and Dinah watches in horror as Sheck turns from a handsome Prince Charming into a hideous ogre with green skin, insectile feelers and a beer gut.

  “Uh...” Dinah just stands there, slack-jawed, staring at the ogre she just had sex with. “Well...that’s, um...different.”

  Sheck winces. Dinah scrambles to recover.

  “Good different,” she says, quickly. “Great different. How often do you meet someone so... unique?”

  Sheck smiles, walking up and putting his big, ogrey arms around her.

  “We’re gonna be so happy together,” he says.

  Dinah, still coming to terms with her new life as spouse to a nocturnal monster, says, nervously, “Uh-huh. It’s gonna be so great.”

  *

  She doesn’t mean it at the time, but over the next few days and nights, she really gets to know Prince Shrek (sorry, Sheck). She sees that there’s more to him than meets the eye. They discover a mutual love for margaritas, ten-pin bowling and novelty-size anal beads.

  Sheck learns to be comfortable in his leathery, green skin, and Dinah learns not to judge people before she gets to know them.

  After a week or so, they decide it’s time to tell their respective families and make it official.

  When Dinah returns to the camp, all her brothers are still out working in the field. She goes inside to find Jake laid out on the couch, lazily smoking a hookah and staring into space. Leah, Rachel and Zillie are stitching clothes.

  “Anyone know where Billie is?” says Rachel.

  The other two look around, noticing that, indeed, Billie does seem to be absent. They shrug and keep sewing.

  “Hey, everyone,” Dinah says, approaching them. “Good news – I’m getting married.”

  “You’re getting what?” Jake says. The shock causes him to inhale the wrong way and start coughing and spluttering.

  The women ignore him.

  “Oh my god!” Leah says, rushing over to hug her daughter. “That’s amazing.”

  “Jeez,” Rachel says, with a laugh. “You don’t fuck around, do you?”

  “No, ma’am,” Dinah says, shaking her head, a big grin on her face.

  “Who’s the lucky guy?” Zillie says.

  Leah goes, “Yeah, what’s his name?”

  Dinah pauses, nervous. “Sheck...”

  The women stare at her. Jake continues to cough in the background.

  “The prince?” Leah says.

  Dinah nods. “Yeah, why, is that...bad?”

  “No, it’s not bad,” Rachel says, unsure.

  “Yes, it’s bad!” Jake says, in a rasping voice as he gets shakily to his feet and walks over to them. “The guy is a Canaanite prince. We don’t fuck with foreigners. Gotta keep the gene pool clean.”

  “Ugh,” Leah says. “You’re a dinosaur, you know that?”

  “So not woke...” says Dinah.

  “How about you come and join us in this century?” Rachel says.

  “Yeah, man, what the hell?” Zillie chimes in.

  Jake suddenly feels outnumbered – one guy against four women.

  “What?” he says. “I’m just doing what God told me. He said I’d be the father of a great nation. Unless there’s something you guys aren’t telling me, I doubt that city is full of my offspring.”

  His wives and daughter react to the word with disgust.

  “Ew!”

  “Gross.”

  “What?” Jake says.

  “Why’d you have to put it like that?”

  “Offspring? Jesus Christ, Jake...”

  “Look,” Jake says. “I’m sorry if it doesn’t sit right with you, but that’s just the way it has to be.”

  “But why?” says Dinah. “Maybe me meeting the prince is a sign that we should stay here. All we do is wander around. Maybe it’s time we found a place to plant roots.”

  “And assimilate with the Shechemites?”

  Dinah shrugs. “Sure, why not?”

  “Why not?!” Jake says, baffled by her argument. “Hey, I’m all for having good relations with these guys. Trade, military alliance, you name it. But we aren’t assimilating. It’s not the Israelite way.”

  “‘Israelite,’” Rachel says, rolling her eyes. “There he goes again with that ‘Israelite’ shit.” She turns to Jake. “Y’know, ever since the big guy gave you a new name, you’ve really outgrown those boots of yours. And they were pretty freakin’ tiny to begin with...” Slowly, her metaphor begins to fall apart. “They must be cutting off the circulation in your feet, right? Because they’re so tiny. Y’know, because you’ve always been too big for them, and now, with this, it’s like...y’know...it’s...”

  Leah shushes her, putting a finger to her lips and shaking her head, like, “Honey, stop.”

  Rachel looks around desperately for one of the other women to back her up, but they all avoid eye contact, looking around anywhere but at her.

  Zillie quickly jumps in to cover for Rachel. “I mean...whatever happened to good, old-fashioned ‘Hebrew?’”

  “I liked Hebrew,” Leah says, nodding in agreement.

  “Whatever!” Jake says, getting frustrated. “It doesn’t matter what you like, or even what I like. What matters is what God likes. And God likes an undiluted bloodline. Interracial marriages are off the table.”

  Dinah considers telling him that it isn’t only interracial, but interspecies as well (what with Sheck being an ogre and all), then thinks better of it. Baby steps, Dinah. Baby steps.

  “Well, tell that to the king,” she says. “He’s on his way here right now.”

  *

  The royal retinue arrives at the camp at the exact same time that Dinah’s brothers return home from the fields. Prince Sheck rides alongside his father, King Hamor the Hivite.

  Remember way back in the Noah story, when we were talking about how his sons – Shem, Ham and Japheth – went on to basically populate the entire earth?

  Well, one of Ham’s sons was Canaan, and his descendants went on to be the Canaanites. One specific group of his descendants went on to become the Hivites, and that’s the group that Hamor and his son belong to.

  Well, technically, Shechem’s only half-Hivite, but we don’t need to get into Hamor’s drunken night with the ogress. He prefers to leave it in the past, and we’ll respect his wishes.

  “Hey! Who the fuck are you?”

  Simeon (Sim, for short), the second-oldest of Dinah’s brothers (and thus with the biggest chip on this shoulder), has approached the retinue, causing it to come to a stop. The guards point their spears outward at the filthy shepherd, but he eyes them with contempt.

  “I beg your pardon,” the king says, offended by this commoner’s common tongue. “I am Hamor the Hivite.”

  “Well, stay back then, pal. I don’t want to catch it.”

  Hamor frowns, not realising how much his name sounds like a contagious skin condition.

  “Forgive us,” says Levi, the third-oldest, trying to pull his hot-headed brother back so he doesn’t get himself speared.

  But Sim stays where he is. “I wanna know what you’re doing trespassing on our land.”

  “Your land?!” Hamor says. “I am the king.”

  “...off whom we bought this land. Just because you rule the area doesn’t mean you can come waltzing into our home whenever you feel like it.”

  “Actually, it does.”

  The two glare at each other. Sheck rides in between them.

  “Listen,” the prince says, attempting to be
diplomatic. “We’ve been invited.”

  “By who?”

  “Lord Farquaad,” says Sheck. One of the guards on horseback leans over and whispers into his ear. Sheck realises his mistake.

  “Sorry, wrong thing.” He corrects himself, “Dinah – that’s what I meant to say.”

  Sim frowns, glancing at his brothers. “What do you want with our sister?”

  “Why... I want to marry her, of course.”

  Sim’s eyes bulge in his head. “Over my dead body...”

  He goes to lunge at the prince, but Levi and a few of the others hold him back. The guards step forward with their spears out, ready to skewer these unruly proles.

  Before things have a chance to turn violent, Leah comes rushing out from the tent. She’s just heard the commotion taking place.

  “Wait! Stop!”

  She slows, panting, as she approaches the retinue. “Forgive us, my king. My sons forget their manners. Please, come inside.”

  The king is still miffed – giving his son a look like, “This family? You serious?” – but he does as he’s told and continues on toward the tent. As they ride past, Leah shoots daggers at Sim, like, “What the hell are you doing?”

  He shoots her a look back, like, “What the hell are you doing?”

  Leah turns and heads after the royal family.

  Sim watches her go, jaw clenched, eyes narrowed.

  “Fucking Canaanites,” he mutters.

  “Whoa!” comes the collective response from his brothers, reacting as if he’s dropped the N-word.

  “Da fuck, man? Chill.”

  “What the hell is wrong with you?”

  “Yeah, dude, seriously.”

  “What?” Sim says, dumbfounded by his brothers’ reactions. “Don’t tell me you’re on their side with this?”

  “Pfft. Why’s it always gotta be sides with you, man?”

  “Why wouldn’t we be on her side?”

  “Yeah – dude’s a prince. That means Di’s gonna be a princess.”

  “Why can’t you just be happy for her, man?”

  “Because...” Sim says. “They’re... they’re...”

  “Canaanites? So what?”

  “They’re foreigners. Dad says we gotta keep the bloodline clear. He won’t be the father of a great nation if we dilute our gene pool.”