by D. Kelly
Suddenly, as Lila reaches for her coat, she starts to fall. She must have slipped in those high heels. Katie Grace screams, “MOM!” as Joseph and my dad catch Lila right before she hits the floor. Everyone is rushing around, and Maryanne is calling an ambulance, but I barely notice the adults. Katie Grace is on the floor next to Lila crying, screaming, “Mommy, wake up! Mommy, please wake up! Dad, wake her up. WAKE HER UP!”
My mom and Maryanne pull her away but she’s kicking and screaming. Jessica clutches my hand hard and she has tears running down her face. I’m glued to the spot I’m standing in, just watching everything going on around me. I’ve never seen someone’s skin change color before, but I could’ve sworn that a few seconds ago, Lila wasn’t white like she is now.
I don’t know what to do. Katie Grace won’t stop screaming and Jessica won’t stop squeezing the crap out of my hand. I feel like I should be doing something like the grown-ups are doing. I pull Jessica over to Katie Grace. Jessica let’s go of my hand, sits next to her, and hugs her something fierce. I sit down, hugging hug her from behind and continue to look over my shoulder at what’s going on. I know I shouldn’t be staring, but I want to see when she wakes up. The paramedics are here now checking her out. I don’t understand anything that they’re saying even though I hear every word.
“Left pupil is blown, right pupil is fixed and dilated. Her pulse is weak and thready. Let’s get her on the gurney… we have to go now. IV is in, pushing fluids.”
My mom takes control of the situation. “Maryanne, drive with Grant to the hospital and take Katie Grace. I’ll take the kids to my house. Joseph needs to go with the ambulance…”
My mom’s orders are cut off by a loud beeping noise as the paramedics are pushing the gurney through the door. “No pulse, initiating CPR now!” One of the firemen jumps in and pushes the gurney as the paramedic jumps on Lila, pushing up and down on her chest and breathing into her mouth. It’s scary to watch, and now all the grown-ups are crying too.
Maryanne and Dad got Katie Grace in the car and took off behind the ambulance. Jessica is squeezing my hand again, but I’m so scared I almost don’t feel it. “Kids, I’m going to go lock things up and then we’ll head over to our house. I know you’re scared, so am I, but it’s all going to be okay. Please wait here, don’t move, I’ll be right back.”
After my mom leaves, Jessica looks at me with tears still streaming down her cheeks. “Do you think she’s going to be okay, Michael?” I look at her and shrug my shoulders. She was so white when they left. “I don’t know, Jessica, but I hope so.”
We got to my house about fifteen minutes after the ambulance left for the hospital. My mom ordered our pizza even though none of us are hungry anymore. Jessica and I are watching TV in the loft, well not watching, but it’s on while my mom waits for the pizza downstairs. I heard the phone ring a minute ago, maybe it’s my dad with some good news about Lila. I know soon enough that isn’t the case when I hear my mom sobbing. Jessica and I look at each other, neither of us moving, but we’re both crying, too.
It takes a few minutes, but my mom finally comes upstairs and sits between Jessica and me. Wrapping an arm around each of us, she explains as gently as she can that Lila went to Heaven. All I can think about is how happy Katie Grace was when Lila told her she loved her, and now she doesn’t have a mom anymore. That makes me really cry hard. Boys aren’t supposed to cry, they’re supposed to be strong. I try to wipe my tears away but they keep coming.
“Michael, it’s okay to cry and be sad. Boys don’t have to be strong all the time. Sometimes in life, sadness trumps everything; it’s okay to feel your emotions. Never try and hide them or change that, kiddo.” I hug my mom even tighter.
“Mom, what happens now that Lila’s gone?” My mom looks at me and starts crying again. “Well, I guess Katie Grace has to get used to spending more time with Joseph and depending on him for things that Lila used to do for her.” Yeah, that won’t happen… even I know that.
“Mom…Do you think you can be Katie Grace’s mom, too? I don’t mind sharing you. She’s a girl and she needs a mom, not a dad. Well, she needs a dad, too, but you know what I mean, right?” There is a shimmer in my mom’s eyes; she looks extremely proud and sad all at the same time.
“Michael, you’re such an amazing kid. I can help Katie Grace, if she wants me to. She’s welcome here anytime and we’ll include her in all of our family things, too, from now on.” She turns her head to Jessica and pulls her in closer. “You too, sweetie. Anytime you want, you feel free to come, too. You both are welcome here anytime. I could never be a replacement for Lila in Katie Grace’s life, Michael, but I would be happy to treat her like my own child when she’s around.”
That makes me feel better. I think it makes Jessica feel better, too, because she’s not crying anymore, either.
“Claire, can we go see Katie Grace now?”
My mom shakes her head, “Sorry, Jessica, I know you guys want to be there for your friend, but she needs time with Joseph right now… alone. Maryanne is going to pick you up after she drives them home. Tomorrow, we’ll all go over and help Joseph and Katie Grace, with whatever they need, but tonight they need to be together. Maryanne said the doctor was sending Katie Grace home with something to help her sleep, she was very upset at the hospital.” I swear my mom flinched when she said that. I bet she’s thinking that Joseph isn’t going to be any help for Katie Grace. I also bet we head over there bright and early tomorrow morning.
~~~***~~~
I didn’t sleep much last night. I’ve never had anyone die before and I’m glad because this sucks. I tried to get Katie Grace on the walkie talkies last night but she must have been sleeping. Jessica was up, though, so we talked for a while. Lila bought us these really far range walkie talkies so we could all have missions in the neighborhood. Lila had the fourth one so she could be our commander and send us out on scavenger hunts and stuff. She was so much fun; I already miss her so much. It’s barely light outside but I can’t sleep. I want to see if my parents are up and if we can go to Katie Grace’s yet. I can’t stop thinking about her. I’m sad about Lila, but when I think about Katie Grace missing Lila… that’s when the tears come back. I really just want to see if she’s okay, I know I wouldn’t be.
My mom and dad are sitting at the table, holding hands, and drinking their coffee. Neither of them looks like they got much sleep. “Michael, what are you doing up so early, sweetheart?” My mom pulls me into a hug and kisses the top of my head.
I make sure and hug her back hard; I don’t want to ever lose her. “I couldn’t sleep and I kept trying to get Katie Grace to talk to me on the walkie talkies and she didn’t answer. Can we go see if she’s okay now…please?”
My parents exchange one of those parent looks and motion for me to sit down. My dad is the first one to speak up, “Buddy, I know you’re worried about Katie Grace, we all are. What you have to understand is that…”
My dad gets choked up and my mom continues for him, “Sweetie, you just need to know that she’s going to need time, possibly lots of time, and she still might not be the same girl she was before. I know this is difficult to understand, but death changes people. Losing her mother at such a young age is not just unbelievably sad; it’s a life changing event.”
My stomach drops like I’m on a roller coaster. They have no idea what they’re talking about.
“No, Mom, you don’t understand. Katie Grace is going to be fine; I’m going to make sure of it. She’s my best friend and I won’t let her not be fine. I’ll fix her, Mom. I’ll do whatever I can to make her happy and not let her be sad. I’ll fix her, I promise! Can we go now, please, can we just go?”
My mom nods her head but she’s crying again. “Okay, buddy, go get dressed and we’ll leave in about a half hour.” After I round the corner, I hear my mom sobbing so I stop, wondering if I should go back. “Grant, was she really that bad? I don’t know if we can take him over there if she was that bad. Why did they let Jo
seph take her home? Don’t you think they should have kept her at the hospital?”
I hear my dad shhshhhing my mom. “It was bad, Claire. I’ve never seen anything like it. Katie Grace was nearly catatonic. For the longest time she was just crying silently and suddenly this gut-wrenching sob came out of her. She fell to the floor and screamed like a wounded animal. It was understandable, but when we tried to pick her up and comfort her, she lashed out at everyone. You would have thought we were kidnapping her. She was kicking and screaming and crying out for Lila to help her.”
I take a seat on the steps and listen, my dad’s voice cracking as he speaks “Eventually, they came in and gave her a shot to calm her down. The nurse said that it was just to relax her, but that’s when she became almost catatonic. The nurse was concerned about her reaction and got the doctor, but Joseph insisted she not be admitted. He told them she needed to mourn in private. Immediately after we got her settled at home, Joseph started removing all the pictures of Lila in the house. Joseph said, and I quote ‘Katherine does not need any reminders of what happened today.’ I don’t know, Claire, I think that’s only going to make everything worse, but I’m not a shrink.”
“Oh, that isn’t going to help anything! He can’t just take away all the reminders of her mother. What is he thinking? I think Michael has the right idea. Let’s get over there and monitor things. The sooner the better, before he loses his ever loving mind and does something he’ll regret.”
I hurry and go get dressed. I need to see Katie Grace now more than ever. My heart hurts thinking about what my parents said about how she could change. She’s my best friend, even more than Jessica. We’ve always had a very special connection and I’m not going to lose her. I’m going to fight and make sure she comes back to us like her normal self. Once I’m dressed, I grab my giant teddy bear that I won at the fair and take it downstairs. Katie Grace loves this bear more than I do. She hugs it and cuddles with it every time she comes over.
“I’m ready, can we go now?” My parents look up at me and nod.
“Sure, buddy, let’s go. What’s with the bear?” I roll my eyes. What’s with the stupid question? They should know what it’s for. “I’m giving him to Katie Grace. He should cheer her up—she loves Wally.” My parents exchange one of those parental looks but I don’t care.
I remember the day I won him on the way to her house.
We were at the Ventura County Fair and the guy running the booth’s name was Wally. Wally could see how much we wanted to win the bear and he told us it was his last day working at the carnival. He had gotten a better job, closer to his family, and he was really excited about it. Every time we missed the bucket he gave us more balls. Katie Grace only made one whiffle ball into the basket the entire time, but after about an hour, I had gotten enough in that Wally gave me the bear. I asked Katie Grace if she wanted him, but she just shook her head and said that she was just going to keep playing carnival games until she could beat the pants off me. When we got him home, she said she thought we should name him Wally, and he would be a reminder of not only someone who was kind to us, but also for us to be kind to others, too.
Joseph answers the door when we arrive. He looks bad; you can tell he didn’t sleep last night, either. When he sees I have Wally he almost cracks a smile. “Michael, Katherine is still sleeping, but if you want to go wait in her loft until she wakes up and watch some television, go ahead.” I nod my head at him and race up the stairs faster than I ever have before. I knock lightly on her door but she doesn’t answer. I tiptoe inside and place Wally on the bed next to her. She opens her eyes immediately. She doesn’t look like she was sleeping.
“Sorry, Katie Grace, I didn’t mean to wake you up.” She doesn’t say a word, just shakes her head no. “I didn’t wake you up?” She shakes her head no again. I guess she doesn’t want to talk. Maybe her throat hurts from all the crying.
“Do you want me to get you some water? Does your throat hurt?” She shakes her head again and points to her heart. Oh God. “I’m so sorry. I know you miss her. I promise somehow I’ll help you make your heart feel better.” Silent tears fall from her sad, murky eyes that are usually so green and bright.
I look around for some tissues but there aren’t any, so I wipe her tears off with my fingers. The whole time she just looks at me with a blank stare. Eventually, she rolls over and hugs Wally. She doesn’t move for a long time, but I sat there on the floor next to her bed anyway. I’m not going anywhere. After maybe an hour, she gets up to use the restroom and I take my chance to move up to the bed to be closer to her.
When she comes back, she sits next to me, leaning up against the wall, hugging her knees to her chest and starts sobbing. Listening to her cry like that forever wounds my heart. I’ll do anything I can to try and stop her pain. “Don’t cry, Katie Grace. Please don’t cry.” I put my arm over her shoulder; it feels weird but also strangely good. I pull her into me and rest my head against hers. “What can I do, Katie Grace? Please, tell me what I can do to help you.”
She jerks away from me and through her hiccupping and sobbing she finally answers me. “Don’t ever call me that again. My name is Katherine, my mom called me Katie Grace and now she’s gone. DON’T EVER CALL ME KATIE GRACE AGAIN!” After screaming at me, she grabs Wally and flops back on the bed. I don’t know how much time passed, but she cried herself back to sleep. I’ve never heard her yell before. Ever. I know it’s because she’s sad, and for the first time, I wonder if I’m going to be able to bring her back to us after all.
~~~***~~~
Over the next few days not much changed. I continued to sit by her bedside two days in a row. The third day was the funeral, and by then she had at least stopped crying, if only temporarily. The funeral was sad, really, really sad. Through the whole thing Katherine held on to my hand like it was her life preserver. There wasn’t anyone there who didn’t cry, how could there be? Lila was the nicest person any of us ever knew. I was the only one she would allow to touch her. Jessica tried, but it was as if she just couldn’t have contact with more than one person at a time. I was her person. For some reason it made my heart puff up in my chest like something you would see in a cartoon. Katherine hadn’t really spoken to anyone except for me in three days. By that point, people were starting to freak out. I wasn’t too worried, though. She was in there sorting things out in her head. It was her way, the way she needed to deal with what happened.
When the priest asked if anyone wanted to say a few words about Lila, a few people went up. But after the last person spoke, Katherine decided she needed to say something. I don’t think any of us were the same walking out of that funeral as we were when we walked into it, not after hearing her speak. In between her words she was crying silent tears.
“My name is Katherine Grace Moore. Most people call me Katie Grace. I don’t ever want to hear anyone call me Katie Grace again. That name belongs to my mom. I don’t know why I only got her for ten years when she was so amazing. My mom made us scavenger hunts and bought us walkie talkies. She took me to gymnastics and baked us cookies. She made the best sleepover forts and she had the smile of an angel. I think God must have missed her smile and missed her spirit because I can’t think of any other reason he would take her from us. When she…when my mom…right before she fell…right before she…she…died...
Katherine pulls the microphone out of the podium while crying and sits on the ground, pulling her knees up to her chest, sobbing violently. Maryanne tried to get her to go sit back down but she wouldn’t move. My heart was racing the entire time; every piece of me needed to go rescue her, but my dad put his hand firmly in my lap and shook his head at me so I knew better. I didn’t like it, though. She needed me and I was so close and still couldn’t help her. Then it was like she got a second wind. She wiped the tears off her face with the back of her hand but remained seated.
“When my mom died, she had just finished telling me how much she loved me. She let me know that all the time. I know my mo
m loved me, but I wonder if I didn’t know…if she wouldn’t have said it all the time…if God would have still taken her. Maybe if I didn’t know he would have let her stay until I understood. If I could have her back, I would pretend to never understand how much she loved me so that God would let me keep her. She was the best mom and I don’t know what I’m going to do without her. Since you’re all here, she must have loved you, too. I’m sorry you have to feel how I’m feeling. It hurts so much. I don’t know how to fix it and… I’m so sorry… I can’t fix you all, either.”
After that, I think the whole church was in tears, including Joseph. Maryanne tried to take Katherine but she wasn’t having it; she came and sat right next to me. She grabbed my hand and her head rested on my shoulder while she cried all her tears on my new suit.
When we buried Lila, Katherine lost it all over again, but this time she was still holding on to me. I hugged her back with all I had to give and cried with her. Once, I watched this show on prides of lions and how they protect each other from predators. Sitting there with Katherine and Jessica, watching my two best friends cry, makes me feel like I’m in a lion pride. I hate seeing them like this; I feel like I need to fix it somehow. Even more importantly, I want to fix it. From now on, I vow to be like a male in the pride and make sure they always stay safe and protected.
~~~***~~~
A few weeks after the funeral, Katherine started feeling a little better and decided it was time to go back to school. She said it was what Lila would have wanted. We go to a private school with lots of other rich kids. We’re kind of like the Three Musketeers and don’t hang out with the other kids much—they act like jerks. Jessica gets made fun of because of her weight a lot. I get made fun of because I hang out with two girls. Luckily, Katherine is so nice to everyone that she never gets made fun of. At least she didn’t before Lila died.