by D. Kelly
Oh, she’s pissed now. Good. That should make this easier. “Yes, Jessica, actually it is. I’m removing myself from the equation so there is no alternative. Don’t feel bad, I’m cutting off everyone, not just you two. Maybe someday I’ll be ready to come back and deal with it when I get my head on straight, but today’s not that day. When I get to where I’m going, I’m changing my number, so don’t bother trying to get ahold of me.”
“You can’t do that.”
“I can and I will. It’s easier this way, trust me. I’m doing you a favor. You don’t want to be around the person I am right now. This is best for all of us.”
She snickers at me, “You’ve always been a domineering prick, haven’t you? I used to think you were protecting Katie Grace, helping her cope and deal. You unilaterally brought her back from Lila’s death and she’s been under your thumb ever since. She’s right where you wanted her, right where you like her, enraptured by you and your love. But now that the tables are turned, she’s not allowed to fix you, to help you heal. Maybe you’re right, Michael, maybe we’ll both be better off without you. Just mark my words, I’m going to make it my mission to find her a man that will treat her as an equal and not make decisions for her. Who knows? Maybe it just might even be Marc.”
She looks at me smugly, knowing that he’s my weakness, but I won’t let her know she got to me. She has to believe this is the end. If she believes it, she can convince Katherine of it, too.
I nod my head at her, getting ready to lie to her for the very first time in my life. “You’re right, Jessica, I’m a domineering prick. Just ask Riley, she’s all too used to my domineering ways. I had to have someone to fuck on the side who could take it rough. Katie Grace needed to be made love to gently, slowly, and passionately, but Riley let me fuck her like a real man. Now I don’t have to juggle them and the relief from that is liberating. If Marc wants her, he can have her, but from what I’ve heard about him, she’s a little too timid for his tastes. You never know, though, maybe he’ll change for her or figure out how to bring out her inner freak, God knows I never coul…”
Before I finish my sentence, she slaps me across the face. I absolutely deserve it, but the look on her face says it all—I have effectively closed the door with her.
“You bastard!”
“Goodbye, Jessica. Have a nice life.”
As I pull out of the driveway, I see her hunched over her steering wheel, chest heaving up and down as she sobs so loudly I still hear her four houses away. I wish she wasn’t in the middle and that I didn’t have to hurt her, too. It’s for the best, I know it is.
I HAVEN’T THOUGHT about my past like this in years. It hurts a lot, especially when I think about how stupid I was throwing away the best part of my life. Remembering when I asked her to be my girlfriend and how easy it was to tell her I loved her that night really hits home. I’ve never told anyone but her that I love them. Most couples have to wait at least a few months to say those words, but not us. We had love for each other before we ever considered a relationship. I think that’s what made our relationship so special…it thrived off of that love.
That’s why I know she can’t love Daniel, even if she thinks she does. Kate isn’t built that way—she doesn’t love that fast. She takes her time so that she can get to know people and learn about them. This is a case of lust, plain and simple. Daniel, on the other hand, he falls hard and fast, but after Vanessa I didn’t think he would let that happen again. He was so jaded after that and yet Kate pulled him out of his funk and brought him back to life.
This is a good start; I can use all of this when I explain our relationship to Daniel. I have to make him understand that Kate and I are meant to be.
Chapter 8
New Beginnings
IT’S BEEN A week since I left Jessica crying in my driveway. Every day that passes is another one further away from the biggest mistake of my life. Finally, I know what it means when people say ‘If you haven’t walked in my shoes, you’ll never understand my journey’ because it’s true. Ever since the night of the accident I’ve been constantly at war with my emotions. I can’t stop thinking about what Jessica said. Especially the parts about me being domineering and keeping Katherine under my thumb all these years. I’ve tried to reconcile my actions in my head, tried to justify my anger with Marc and my need to keep Katherine safe from pain. Ultimately, I’m the one that caused her the most pain. I was the one that shattered her beyond fixing. I’ve spent nine years keeping her safe from pain only to be the one to hurt her most. It’s unforgivable.
All I needed was some time away to clear my head. I quickly came to the realization that Katherine couldn’t have done what my dad thought she did. There are just too many inconsistencies—the messages sounded forced, the paper was ripped right at her name, and all of the information came from Tom. I’ve never liked Tom, and wouldn’t trust him to feed my fish let alone with important messages. Even so, I can’t bring myself to go back and clear up the misunderstanding, either. I believe things will be better this way. She deserves more than I can give her. Seeing the pain in her eyes that I put there would break me, and there’s still the Joseph factor. I wouldn’t put any of it past him. So, I’ve been driving up the coast, taking in the sights, trying to clear my head for days. Thanks to my flawless fake ID, I’ve been able to be drunk at night and pass out without having to think. I know drinking isn’t the answer, and I’ll eventually have to get my shit together, but for the time being… it numbs everything.
For nineteen years, I’ve lived the life my parents wanted me to. I’ve loved the same girl for twelve of them. It’s very possible I never developed my own sense of self. Essentially, Katherine and I were one from a very young age. I’ve thought a lot about the random talks I had with my dad about playing the field. He never actually told me to do it, but looking back, I wonder if he wasn’t hinting that I should. I know he loved Katherine and wanted us together, but maybe he wanted me to be sure that Katherine was really the one. I would have never considered it before, but… maybe I should have. At this point, I’ve got nothing to lose.
~~~***~~~
Another week passes by as I roam around aimlessly and spend money I don’t have to spend. I’m hungry and tired so I pull up to a coffee house in Brentwood. While approaching the counter, the two girls working are full of giggles as they not so subtly sneak looks at me. It isn’t unusual for girls to pay attention to me. What is unusual is that I’ve never been in a position where I would consider giving them the time of day before. I decide to let this ride out and see where it goes. A little harmless flirting can’t hurt. It might even help me decide if I’m being stubborn by not trying to fix things with Katherine.
“Hi! I’m Aimee and this is Julie. What can we get for you?” Aimee is blushing but Julie’s looking at me like I’m her favorite candy.
“Hello, ladies, I’m Mike.”
“Hi, Mike,” they reply in unison.
“I’d like a café latte with four raw sugars and a bacon breakfast sandwich. Can I also get a bottle of water, please?”
I give Julie my credit card, and when she passes it back to me, she deliberately slides her fingers across mine. It’s been a long time since I’ve been touched by another woman who wants my attention. It doesn’t feel bad but it doesn’t feel right, either. It’s not that she’s not attractive—she definitely is—she just isn’t my typical type of girl. Julie has short, black hair with bright blue tips, at least six piercings in her ear and one in her nose. She’s tall and thin. Everything about her is the exact opposite of Katherine. Maybe opposite can be a good thing.
“Go have a seat, Mike. One of us will bring you your order when it’s up.” She hasn’t stopped smiling since she introduced herself. I smile back and head over to a table in the back corner. Aimee is the one to deliver my order along with a handwritten note.
“Here’s your order, Mike. I’m having a huge party tonight for my birthday. We were hoping you might be able to come by. N
o presents or anything, just a reason for a bunch of college kids to have a party. I wrote down my address and my cell for you if you want to come.”
Aimee seems like a sweet girl, a little more reserved than Julie for sure. She’s pretty in a conservative way—simple makeup, brown hair and eyes, and adorable dimples. “Thanks for the invitation, Aimee, and Happy Birthday. I’m just passing through town but I’ll think about it, okay? If I’m still here, I’ll try and stop by.”
“That would be great, Mike! I’ve got to get back to work but hopefully we’ll be seeing you tonight. If not, whenever you come back into town don’t hesitate to give me a call.” She flashes me a sweet smile and waves as she heads back to work.
After leaving the coffee shop, I spend most of the day driving around, getting a feel for the city. Eventually, I’ll have to settle down somewhere. I try and tell myself it has nothing to do with that fact that Katherine’s condo isn’t too far from where I am. After picking up some food from a deli, I drive to a nearby secluded park I found. While growing up, Katherine and I would sit at the table under the big oak tree at the park by our houses and talk for hours. I would sit on top of the table and she would sit between my legs, leaning against me. Looking back, I realize how mature we were for our age, we always were. Maybe we’re old souls, or maybe we just grew up too fast when Lila died. Whatever the reason, Katherine and I always seemed to have deep, meaningful conversations. It was during one of these moments that I knew without a doubt that I wanted to spend the rest of my life with her. It was shortly after I started looking for her ring.
“Michael, do you think that our souls are attached to another soul when we’re born? Not even just then, but if you believe that we’re reborn over and over do you think you’re always attached to another soul?”
That was an interesting idea for sure. “I don’t know, Katherine, maybe? But if so, I wonder if sometimes when people come back things get mixed up or lost in translation somehow. You see, people go their entire lives never finding the one.”
She took my hand and placed it over her heart. “Then you need to memorize the way my heart beats because I don’t want anything to get lost in translation. You never know what can happen. I don’t know if I believe in soul mates for life as far as true love goes, but I do believe we have them for friendship. I know without a doubt you found me just when I needed you to.”
I felt her heart pounding under my hand, the warmth seeping into my palm and I knew unequivocally that I would marry her one day. I pulled her into my lap and placed her hand over my heart.
“Do you feel that? The way my heart is racing? That’s what you do to me, it’s all you. I will love you until the day I die, Katie Grace, and then I’ll come back and find you all over again, I promise.” I watched as her eyes filled with amazement and tears, but before she had a chance to speak I pulled her in for a kiss that put all of our other kisses to shame.
Never would I have guessed we would end up where we are at this moment. Remembering that conversation is painful and eye opening. Regardless of what has happened in the past few weeks, we both need time to grow. We were wrapped in a bubble for years and now we’ve finally emerged. We need to grow up apart before we can come back together. If we are truly soul mates, we’ll still find our way back to each other. I want to be a better man for her but I need to get past the hurt and anger of everything that has come between us. I know it’s irrational but a big part of me still blames her for this mess I’m in. I need to live for me for a change. More importantly, she needs to figure out who she is without me. Even though I know this is the right path for both of us, it pisses me off. It isn’t what I wanted, and I don’t want to feel the kind of pain I’m feeling now ever again.
When I leave the park, I pass some time watching a movie. I’m trying to avoid renting another hotel room because I’m running out of money, but it’s not exactly comfortable trying to sleep in a Porsche. Selling my car and buying something cheaper that would give me some money to live off of for a while has crossed my mind several times. I never realized how hard it is to fill your time when you don’t have a home to go to. At only 10 pm, I’m bored and tired of being alone. I decide to go check out Aimee’s party. First stop, the liquor store for two large bottles of Patron. At the very least, I’ll be able to get drunk and pass out on her floor. I text her and let her know I’m coming to the party after all.
Their neighborhood is nice, with large houses. They’re not as big as ours were growing up, but they look close. Finally, I find a place to park down the street and walk up to the house. Julie and Aimee are waiting for me out front and are most definitely drunk already.
“Mike! You came to my party and you brought tequila. You are the man of our dreams!”
I laugh at her; she’s a cute drunk. “You mean the man of your dreams, don’t you?”
“No, she definitely means our dreams, don’t you, baby?” Julie leans in and pulls Aimee into a kiss that would rival any porn I’ve seen. It’s hot.
“So, you two are…”
Julie cuts me off by pulling me in for a kiss which is incredibly hot and makes me feel like an ass all at the same time. “We don’t put labels on our relationship. We’re open to lots of things, but tonight we’re looking for a third. You game?”
I’m floored. I was totally not expecting my night to end up like this. No guy in his right mind would turn them down. But I’m not exactly in my right mind. “Look, I’m just getting out of a really long-term relationship. I don’t know if this is the best idea right now.”
Aimee pulls me in for a kiss. Running her hands under my shirt, she wraps her arms around me and pulls me in deeper. Her chest is pushed up against mine and the feeling of her hard nipples has my dick standing at attention. When she breaks away, she looks up at me with longing in her eyes. “Mike, we don’t want a commitment, we just want to have fun. Let us help you forget, even if it’s just for tonight.”
Ah hell, there’s no way I can turn that down.
We break open the Patron and take more shots than I can count before taking the party to a bedroom.
A few hours later, both girls are passed out and wrapped around each other, naked. I stumble out of the room and into the backyard. My thoughts are reeling as I collapse in a chair under a tree. That was the hottest, most erotic thing I have ever seen, let alone done. As amazing as it was, I feel sick inside. I can never go back to Katherine’s bed after doing that. There’s still people partying, looks like this one will go all night. I really want to leave, but I’m too drunk to drive. I feel so lost. Dropping my head into my hands, I sit there for I don’t even know how long.
“Hey, are you doing okay over here? You’ve been out here for a while. Can I get you a drink or something?”
Great. I must look like a total loser sitting here with my head in my hands. Two guys take a seat in the chairs across from me. “Yeah, I’m okay, just out here thinking.”
They exchange a look that I wouldn’t call pity, but I can tell they’re curious about the drunk guy outside all alone.
“I’m Daniel, and this is my friend, Connor. We live next door and go to school with Aimee. Do you go to UCLA, too?”
Fuck this is a UCLA party? The last thing I need is to bump into Jessica or Katherine here. It really isn’t Katherine’s scene, but I could see Jessica dragging her along, trying to get her to meet new people. “No, I’m just passing through town. I met Aimee at the coffee shop today and she invited me. I’m Mike.”
Connor laughs, “So you were their third tonight. They were wondering if you were going to come. Or should I say show? If you’re here, you definitely came. No wonder you’re out here alone, you’re recovering. They can be a bit overwhelming, in a sinfully delicious way.”
Daniel raises his hands up and laughs. “Don’t look at me, I wouldn’t know. They haven’t been able to talk me into that yet. Maybe someday, but then again…maybe not. You look like they’ve put you through the ringer tonight and not in a good way.”
“Oh no, they were fine, shit, more than fine. That was the hottest thing ever. I’ve just got some stuff going on and I’m trying to figure out when life is going to stop shitting on me. Hell, maybe it’s perspective. Maybe I just keep jumping into a shithole head first with no way out.” Why I’m sitting here, talking to these guys about my life I have no idea. It’s probably because I’m drunk and lonely enough to talk to strangers. It’s not like I have any friends anymore. Even if I make a fool out of myself, I’ll never have to see these guys again.
“You said you were passing through town. Maybe when you get home you’ll have a different perspective on things. Shit storms have to end sometime. Just ask Connor, he starts a hell of a lot of them.”
“Fuck you, dude. Girls jump in headfirst and don’t know how to dig their way out. I’ve never said anything to lead a girl on. They just read between nonexistent lines. If that’s what’s going on with you, Mike, I got your back.”
“No, not exactly. The bottom line is that some serious shit went down at home and I lost someone very close to me. My long-term girlfriend and I broke up because she did some pretty unforgivable things…or so I thought. I’m not even sure anymore. I wasn’t exactly nice to her, either. It’s not something we can come back from, especially after tonight. We lived in the same town, had the same friends, and practically shared families, so I left. I’ve been living out of hotels and my car for the past few weeks, trying to figure out what’s next. I was supposed to go to UCLA, but that wasn’t my dream. Tonight was just an escape, but now it’s over, and once I sober up I need to figure out what’s next.”
“That’s messed up. It definitely sounds like a shit storm, not a head first jump into shit.”
I laugh. At least someone seems to be on my side.
“Well, why don’t you come over and crash at our house until you sober up? Connor’s brother, Jake, is away for the weekend with his fiancée. You can crash in his room. From the look on your face, I think it’s a better alternative than going back in and curling up with Julie and Aimee. Not that they’d get attached, I’ve never seen them with a repeat yet.”