by D. Kelly
He stands apologetically, “Of course, Mr. Matthews. My assistant, Millie, will stop by this evening for the suit your father is to be buried in and then we’ll be set for the services on Wednesday. I’m very sorry for your loss and if I can assist you with anything further please let me know.”
I thank him and bolt outside for some air that doesn’t smell like it’s shrouded in death.
The car ride home is quiet, abnormally quiet. I don’t think I’ve ever seen Jessica stay silent this long. When we pull into my driveway, she starts to get out of the car.
“Jessica, wait, don’t bother getting out. I’m really not in the mood for company.”
Biting down on her lip, she nods her head. “Okay, Michael, but wait please, for just a minute. The next few days are going to be hard for us all. I’m here for you, whatever you need. But when this is all over, if not before, you need to talk to Katie Grace. She didn’t do what you accused her of, and I think you know that deep down. I know you don’t want to talk about it, but she’s not okay, Michael. If you thought she was bad when Lila died you should see her now. She was a fucking rainbow of sunshine back then compared to now.”
My hands are balled into fists I can’t listen to anymore. “ENOUGH, JESSICA! I said I didn’t want to talk about it and I don’t. I’m not thinking about her right now, I can’t. I’ll see you at the funeral if you choose to come, but tell Katherine I said to remember she isn’t welcome.”
I hear her crying as I slam the door, but I don’t care; I’m too pissed off. It’s hard to believe it was only two days ago I was going to ask Katherine to marry me. Storming through the front door, I go straight to my room and flop myself on my bed, reliving that day in my mind.
~~~***~~~
I was so close to asking her to marry me when the phone rang—just a few minutes more and it would have been a done deal. After I sent Katherine home from the hospital, she was all I could think of to keep my thoughts off the surgery. I really needed her there with me and was pissed to have to send her away. I passed the time praying and thinking of all the ways I could make that night up to her once my dad recovered. As hard as I tried, I couldn’t figure out why my mom lost her shit on Katherine earlier. I knew how pissed and disappointed my dad would be when he found out my mom chased her off. A little while after I got to the hospital, Tom showed up. He was a friend and co-worker of my dad’s. He and my mom had their heads together talking. All the while my anger was rapidly increasing as I dwelled on the fact that I was sitting there all alone but she was being nice and chummy with that asshole.
Finally, I just couldn’t take it anymore. “Mom, what the hell? You need to talk to me.”
Tom stood and tried to get in my face, “Son, you shouldn’t ever speak to your mother like that.”
Oh, the fuck he didn’t. I got real close to him so he didn’t mistake his place for a minute, “This is none of your god damned business. You should go, Tom, your presence isn’t necessary or wanted here.”
“Michael Matthews, mind your manners. I raised you better than this!”
“Are you fucking kidding me, Mom? This douchebag gets to be here, but you sent your daughter home? My almost wife can’t be here, but he can? What in the fuck is going on around here?”
She broke down in tears and I felt like an ass. The love of her life was in critical condition; I knew I would be a mess if it was reversed. I knelt in front of her, shooting a warning glare to Tom to keep his motherfucking distance. “Mom, I’m sorry. I don’t want you to cry. Please, just tell me what’s going on.”
As she wiped her tears with her tissue, she nodded her head in agreement. Before she had a chance to tell me anything, the doctor came in looking dejected and I knew in that instant he was gone. The words melted together, but I didn’t need to hear them I knew what she was saying. My mom clutched on to me and unleashed every sadness and heartbreak contained within her.
It all happened so quickly but it seemed like hours. Tom took a seat on the other side of my mom and rested his head in his hands.
Suddenly, my need for Katherine overwhelmed me. I needed to feel her, to be with her. She was the only one that could fix me, the only one that would understand.
“Tom, can you please take my mom home?”
“Yes, of course, Michael.”
My mom jumped up, trying to stop me from leaving. “No, Michael, wait, we have to talk first. Before you go back to Katherine you have to know everything. You can’t be with that little bitch until you know the truth.”
The venom in her words shot straight to my heart. “Mom! What the hell? Why are you on the ‘I hate Katherine’ train tonight?”
Her blue eyes blazed into mine with a determination I’d never seen before. “Because of this, Michael. Right here!”
She pulled a piece of paper out of her pocket that had my dad’s handwriting on it. It was ripped in half and at the top it said ‘suspects’. There were a few names I didn’t recognize, but the bottom two names I did. Joseph and Katherine. I took a seat and tried to think calmly about it. It didn’t mean anything. It was just a profile he was working off of. Since the bottom is missing there’s no way to know what else was there.
“Mom, I get this looks bad but it doesn’t mean anything. Katherine loved Dad. I wouldn’t put any of this past Joseph but Katherine wouldn’t have done it. Not in a million years.”
She snickered at me, “Don’t be so naïve. People have done much, much worse for money.” She proceeded to tell me about the vote, the buyout, and his thoughts about the previous break in. But still, it wasn’t enough to condemn her.
“I can see you’re going to be just as hard to convince as I was. Listen to this voicemail Tom forwarded me earlier from Joseph, and then listen to the message he forwarded me from your dad.”
I took my mom’s phone with a bad feeling in the pit of my stomach. The first message was from Joseph to Tom. “It’s done. Make sure the board is on top of this, I don’t need any backlash coming my way. My daughter took care of the paperwork so there shouldn’t be any loose ends.”
Fuck. “When did you get this message, Tom?”
“Today, of course, when else?”
“Michael, listen to your father’s message. It’s important. It will… change everything.”
I didn’t want to hear his voice—it was going to break me—but I had to know. “Tom, it’s Grant. I’ve been let go…Joseph must have done it…Katherine was there…at the house…I’m on my way to meet you…I can’t believe she would do this…It’s going to break him…I have to get to him…before it’s too late.”
Fuck me, it was true. Even though every third word cut in and out, I got the general message. Katherine took the contract from the house and gave it to Joseph. My dad was trying to find me and stop me from proposing. Well, he managed that alright, just not in the way he’d planned.
I had to get out of there. I couldn’t breathe. “Tom, take her home. I’ve got to go.”
“Michael, wait!”
I was so pissed at her; it wasn’t her fault but I had to direct it somewhere. “No, Mom, I have to go. I’ll see you back at the house tomorrow. I have to go deal with this. You got what you wanted—I waited, I listened, and you wrecked my entire god damn life with a piece of paper and two voicemails. Are you fucking happy? You could have let this go, you could have kept this from me, but instead you chose to wreck me! Just because your life was annihilated tonight doesn’t mean you had to annihilate mine, too! This could all be circumstantial still—that last message was choppy and the first one could have been anything. I have to go, I have to think. Don’t call me, don’t reach out. I’m not interested.”
I walked around for a little while but I had to see Katherine. That didn’t really help because I cried myself to sleep in the warmth of her welcoming arms. By morning, I was filled with rage and I couldn’t make it go away. All night, I dreamt of my dad and kept hearing those messages play over and over in my head, along with my mom and Tom’s words, a
nd I was finally convinced Katherine had done this to him, to us, and my heart couldn’t take another loss. Instead of processing my hurt, I turned it into rage and it felt so good to lash out at her. It felt so good to see her crying and begging. Knowing how much pain I was inflicting and how deep those daggers were reaching inside of her continued to fuel my fire.
I left her there in tears and I walked for hours until I finally caught a cab home. I’d always gotten mad easily. Always been overprotective of those I loved, especially Katherine, but that rage was new and I didn’t know what to do with it. I’d lost my dad, the love of my life, most likely Jessica and honestly, I really didn’t feel the need to keep my mom close anymore, either. I couldn’t even begin to process what I felt because I just needed to get away from it all. I’d give it until after the funeral, go home and take care of it all, but if nothing changed, if my feelings didn’t change, I was leaving and cutting everyone off until I straightened my shit out. It was the only way.
I paused before walking into the house, knowing that he wouldn’t be there. Every part of my being wanted to get back in that cab and flee. Instead of calling the cab back, I opened the door to face the showdown that I knew was coming.
I walked into the kitchen to get some water and found my mom at the table, presumably drunk. There was a nearly empty bottle of vodka next to her. She was buried knee deep in what was likely every picture of my dad ever taken. She was torturing herself.
“Well, look who decided to grace me with his presence. You finally managed to take a break from the tramp, did you?”
She was going to make me lose my shit, I knew it. Claire Matthews could be described as a lot of things, but a nice drunk wasn’t one of them. “Stop it, Mom. You’re not the only one hurting right now.”
She snickered at me, “No, maybe not, but I’m not the one fucking the person who killed your father, either.”
“God damn it, Claire, fucking drop it, will you?! We just lost Dad; I can’t deal with this right now.”
She flung herself out of the chair, stumbling to get closer to me “Since when do you call your mother by her first name? You will show me some respect in my home, damn it. I’m painfully aware that we just lost your father. The love of my life is gone forever because of that little bitch and her father. Michael, this isn’t a choice you get to make. It’s done. You have to break it off with her. You’ll never be happy, not now. Even if your heart doesn’t want to accept it, you can’t deny the evidence. I thought she was Lila through and through but Katherine is the epitome of her father. God help us all.”
Closing my eyes, I counted to ten because if I didn’t, I might have killed her with my bare hands. “Mother, don’t worry. It’s over, done, never to be spoken of again. I’m not with her anymore and never will be. You can knock that smile off your face because I’m done with you, too. I’ll make the funeral arrangements and get you through the services, but after that I’m leaving. I can’t live here in your house, especially without Dad. I’m over it. I need a fresh start and that involves leaving everyone I know in the past. I’ve made it very clear to Katherine that neither she nor Joseph is welcome at the funeral.”
I ducked as she threw her glass over my head and it shattered against the wall. She was ranting and raving and it’s a mixture of pain, loss and fear. I never thought I would come to a point where I would cut her out of my life, but it was all too much. I watched her carefully as she went from her rage to hysterics. I tried to help her but she kicked and screamed at me so I called the doctor to come and sedate her. As I put her in bed, she reached out, clutching my wrist. She could barely form words between the alcohol and the shot. I was surprised she could say anything at all.
“Michael, I wish it wasn’t this way. I loved her, too. This hurts me, too, but it’s what your father believed, it’s what he wanted for you. Please don’t leave me. I can’t be alone; it’s too hard.”
With the last word that fell from her lips, her hand released mine and she passed out. The finality of her statement hit me hard. It was what my father wanted. I could honor his wishes even if it killed me. If he believed it, it must be true. Carefully closing the door, I exited the room, praying she’d find some peace in her sleep.
~~~***~~~
The next few days passed in a blur—fielding phone calls, talking to lawyers, avoiding Jessica and Katherine—my life was a mess. I was finally beginning to understand why Katherine pulled inside of herself in order to not have to deal with people.
My mom and I rode in absolute silence to the funeral. There were many people there but I was thankful that Joseph and Katherine were nowhere in sight. Jessica was next to me the entire time, holding my hand, but we never spoke. She tried to corner me at the wake but she must have been able to tell from the look on my face it wasn’t time to talk. As she left, she hugged me something fierce and told me she would be back in a few days to talk. I felt a flood of relief knowing that in a few days I would be gone and able to avoid that entire conversation.
My mom’s sister, Dot, flew in for the funeral. She was recently divorced and doesn’t look like she’s coping well, either. I was able to convince her to come and stay with my mom for a while, figuring it would be good for both of them. They’ve always been close, but don’t see each other as often as they’d like. I finally feel like I can leave and not be completely abandoning my mother. Claire Matthews is strong; she’ll bounce back and start kicking some ass eventually. I have no doubt about that.
As for me, I just need to find myself and I’ll never be able to do that here. College was never in the cards for me but I want to find out who I am. Unfortunately, it took a few weeks to tie up all the loose ends instead of the few days I originally anticipated and I didn’t get to leave right after the funeral. Turns out, there was more money than I originally thought. Joseph wasn’t such a heartless prick after all; he hadn’t canceled the life insurance. Must have been his guilty conscious getting to him, whatever the reason it makes things much easier. I don’t feel nearly as bad now for leaving my mom. I transferred all my assets back to my mom and only kept ten grand and my car. I figured that would be a good starting point, but the rest I want to figure out on my own.
I’ve successfully put Jessica off for a few weeks, but she is getting less and less patient with me. I still never let her talk about Katherine. I packed some essentials, photos, and Katherine’s ring to take with me. Even though I was pissed as hell at her, I couldn’t leave every trace of her in the past, not yet. My mom knows I’m leaving but not when. She’s out with Dot, so I left her a note. It’s easier this way. Unfortunately for me, as I put the last box in my car, Jessica pulls up and she’s in a rage like I’ve never seen. She doesn’t look like herself. She’s got bags under her eyes, no makeup on, and looks as if she hasn’t been eating much.
“What the hell is going on, Matthews? Damn it! I’ve given you space, but enough is enough. You don’t return calls or texts? For the love of God, I need to talk to you!”
I lean against my car and meet her glare with one of my own. I know I have to tell her I’m leaving and it’s not going to go over well.
“Maybe you should take that as a hint then, Jessica. I don’t want to talk to anyone. I don’t want to be around anyone. I don’t want a fucking guilt trip from you and I sure as fuck don’t want to talk about Katherine. Look, I’m leaving anyway. I have to get away from here and figure out my life.”
She’s stunned into silence. That’s a first. Finally, she speaks so softly I have to get right next to her to even hear her words.
“You have no idea what this is like. None. You two are my best friends and I’m losing you both in different ways. She told me what you think happened and I don’t know why you would think that about her. I can only imagine you have your reasons but I can tell you it’s not true. I’ve never seen someone fall apart in front of my eyes but I’m scared, Michael. I think I’m going to have to have her committed. Now you’re telling me you’re leaving us? Leaving her
for good? Leaving me? The Three Musketeers, remember? No matter what. I know we can fix this. You just have to talk to me, Michael… please talk to me. I’m all alone here. I need you. I need my best friend to help me through this. If it’s really something you guys can’t work through, we’ll figure it out, but don’t abandon me, Michael. Please. I don’t have anyone else, just you.”
“Wait here a minute. I need to grab something, I’ll be right back.”
I run inside and grab Wally. Jessica can take him home and maybe in some small way he can help Katherine since I can’t.
“Here, make sure Katherine gets Wally.” I push him into her arms but she just stares at me in disbelief.
“That’s all you have to say? That’s all you have to offer? I know you’re grieving, and I’m trying to give you space, I really am, but I’m desperate and Wally is not going to help this time.”
The tears are streaming down her face and I feel like the world’s biggest asshole. I know we can’t all be friends anymore and I could never put Jessica in the middle of us. This is my final gift to Katherine. She needs Jessica more than I do, and from the sounds of it, more than ever. The tiny piece of me that wants to believe what she’s saying is dying inside as I listen to her describe Katherine’s condition. But the rest of me, the angry part of me, couldn’t give a flying fuck. I know if I’m going to shake Jessica, this has to be permanent. I have to be the asshole in this situation.
“Look, Jessica, I wish things could have been different but they’re not. I wish I didn’t know the things about her that I do, but I’m not going to taint you with them. You guys were friends first, and you’ll be friends always, but you and I are done. I’m done with both of you. Both of us can’t have you, so I’m giving you to her.”
“That’s not your fucking decision to make, you asshole!”