by AJ Schippers
Her shirt was now tearstained as she looked around the room. She had grabbed all of her belongings here, yet she wasn’t ready to move on to Alexandra’s bedroom, the room in which she had slept more often than her own. A sob escaped her throat as she sat down on the bed—God, why did she have to mess things up so badly? Why couldn’t she just be normal like everybody else? What the hell was wrong with her?
Alexandra couldn’t get back to the house fast enough. She was irrevocably in love with Julia Quinn, and yet she had done to her what countless of people had done to the woman before: walked out on her. She cursed herself. She never should’ve let her anger take over like that; she was better than that. Yes, she was still mad at Julia, but she shouldn’t have left the way she did. She should’ve sat Julia down and talked to her. She was supposed to be the dominant in this relationship, the wise one, that one who made all the right decisions, and she had just royally screwed up.
Her eyes scanned the sky. Bad weather was headed their way, and she couldn’t help but laugh ruefully at the timing of it all. Julia would be terrified once the storm hit, and no one was there to comfort her. The idea of Julia alone and scared hurt her heart. She didn’t want Julia to ever have another day where she was terrified of a storm, nor would she want her to feel like she was alone in the world.
A loud thunderclap roared through, and a lightning flash followed immediately, making Alexandra jump and lose control of the wheel. Her car swerved over the road.
“Goddamn it,” she yelped as she straightened out the car. She parked in front of the house, and in the little time it took her to get inside, the rain had soaked her. She looked more like a drowned cat than the sophisticated woman she always tried to portray.
“Julia?” Alexandra called out when she stepped inside. “Where are you?” She glanced at the clock and groaned. She hadn’t meant to stay away for hours—time had slipped away from her. Walking into the kitchen, she saw the empty bucket on the floor, and a smile spread on her face. “Good job on finding the bottle, mine.”
But her eyes narrowed when she couldn’t find Julia anywhere, and her heart grew more worried. “Please tell me you haven’t run off again,” she murmured before opening the door to Julia’s old bedroom. She gasped at the first thing she noticed: the packed backpack. Then relief filled her as she saw the silhouette of Julia sleeping beneath the white sheets.
“Julia,” she whispered as she pulled the sheets back and sat on the edge of the bed. “Wake up, please.”
Julia groaned as she rolled over. When her eyes opened, a sob escaped her throat. She pushed away the hand that moved to cup her face. “You left me,” she croaked out.
“I’m sorry,” Alexandra said earnestly. “I shouldn’t have left like that. I was angry, and I needed some space, but I should’ve stayed inside the house. Please forgive me.” Her gaze darted to the packed bag once more. “Julia,” she said. “Why is your bag packed? Did something happen?”
Tears filled Julia’s eyes. “I’m leaving.”
“What? Why?”
“Isn’t it obvious? You don’t want me here. You left.”
“That’s not true, Julia. Of course I want you here. I’m really sorry that I left the way I did. I shouldn’t have. I can’t express that enough to you. I needed some time to think, and you refused to talk to me.”
“I’m not cut out for this,” Julia said quietly. “I can’t do it. It’s humiliating to crawl around like some dog. I’m a human being, not some puppy you can command around after throwing it a bone.”
“I’m sorry that you felt like that. That was never the intention. I thought you were okay with it. I’ve greatly failed you as a dominant if I couldn’t tell that you weren’t okay with it. Why didn’t you tell me?”
Julia rolled away from Alexandra. “I want to go home.”
“No.”
“What do you mean, no?” Julia spat out. “I want to go home.”
“You’re not running, Julia. We are going to talk about this and fix whatever went wrong, but you are not going home.”
Julia spun her head around. “You don’t get to lock me up in here. If I want to go, you best believe it and let me go.”
“Julia, please.” Alexandra’s voice was filled with desperation. “I want to talk about this. If…if you still want to go after we talk, then I won’t keep you here. But I refuse to arrange anything for you until after we talk. Please…”
A loud crash of thunder made Julia jump, and her body trembled. “I don’t know what there’s left to talk about. You left. Eventually, everyone always leaves.”
“I came back.” Alexandra’s hand moved to Julia’s shoulder in an attempt to comfort her. “I didn’t mean to leave, Julia.”
“But you did,” Julia said in a flat tone as she shrugged the hand away from her shoulder. “I understand. We had fun while it lasted, right?”
“You’re not making any sense. Please, talk to me. Make me understand.” Her heart was pounding loudly in her chest, and she found it hard to breathe as her eyes filled with tears. The idea of having hurt Julia to the point she wanted to go home was almost unbearable.
“It’s simple, really. You’ve said it from the beginning: you don’t do vanilla relationships.” Julia wiped away the tear that rolled down her cheek. “I don’t want to do this anymore. I don’t want to crawl around, following you around the house. I deserve better than that. This BDSM crap is not for me. I’ve told you that from day one.”
Alexandra breathed deeply before she spoke. “Julia, if this is something you don’t want to do anymore, then we don’t have to. What I said before… I didn’t know you like I know you now.” A tear rolled down her cheek. “I never thought I could do a relationship without there being a BDSM aspect in it. I could, though,” Alexandra let out a sob. “For you I could.”
A grimace overtook Julia’s face. “I highly doubt you could. You have needs.”
“I have my work for that,” Alexandra said. “Please, don’t leave me, Julia. You can’t—”
“Your work? Don’t you see the problem with that? You think I’m gonna sit in an office with Caroline while you whip some poor bastard? You actually think I want you to touch other people again?”
She laughed harshly, and Alexandra winced at the coldness that came from Julia.
“I’m far too possessive for that. It never would have worked out between us, Alexandra. You have said it yourself. You have a dominant personality. It’s not for me. I just want someone who isn’t going to leave me. Someone vanilla.” As she enunciated the last word, it was full of seething anger.
Julia’s distraught words repeated themselves in her head, and Alexandra weighed her options. “If it’s that important to you…then—”
“Don’t. Don’t you dare say it,” Julia cried out. “Do not. Just don’t.”
“Julia, please. If it’s that important to you, I will quit my job. I don’t need it.”
Julia laughed. “You don’t really believe that, do you? If you don’t need your job, then what do you need?”
“You,” Alexandra said. “I just need you.”
Chapter 22
Julia was tired—so very tired. The rollercoaster of emotions she had been going through today was weighing heavy on her heart. Alexandra’s profound confession settled itself deep within her, the spoken words etching themselves beneath her skin. She shook her head. “You need more than that, Alexandra. Even I know that.”
“Maybe. But I do need you. I need you to stay, and I need you to talk to me. We were fine this morning; I refuse to let things between us end because you are too overwhelmed.”
“Why would I be overwhelmed?” Julia scoffed.
“I made you do something that you weren’t comfortable with,” Alexandra said. “I think you’re projecting everything that has happened so far into that one small moment, making the entire situation much bigger than it really is.”
“I don’t want to talk anymore,” Julia said bluntly as she eyed Alexandra
. She needed time alone to think. Alexandra looked as exhausted as she probably felt. “Please, you just need to give me some time.”
“If that’s what you need, of course.” She got up from the bed and looked down at Julia once more. Julia ignored the flash of what she was pretty sure was hurt in Alexandra’s eyes. “I know you are hurting, Julia. I just hope that when you are ready, you will come to me to talk about it. You are not in this alone.”
She walked out of the room without another word. Julia closed her eyes and wished with all her might that doing so would make this all go away so she wouldn’t have to think about it anymore.
So she had no idea when she had dozed off, or how long she had been asleep for. One glance out the window told her it was late in the evening now, and her growling stomach told her that she was hungry.
She eyed the backpack. She didn’t want to leave. While it was true that she had felt embarrassed having to crawl around on her knees, her real issue had been that she simply became annoyed at how long it took. Then, when Alexandra gave her the silent treatment, it had set her off in ways she didn’t even know were possible. And now everything was screwed up, and she had no idea how to fix any of it.
A heavy sigh escaped her throat when she recalled the words she had used to lash out at Alexandra. It was obvious to her that they still had things they needed to talk about. Some of the things she had said had been out of spite, meant to hurt Alexandra the way Alexandra had hurt her. But she didn’t actually want Alexandra to quit her job. It was something that obviously made her happy, and Julia would never want to be the one to take that away from her. She knew that the relationship she had with Alexandra was completely different from the one Alexandra had with her clients.
Still, she needed reassurance, and there was only one person who could give that to her. She didn’t want to lose what she had with Alexandra. Because it was good. They were happy. Alexandra made her happy, made her feel content and safe. Julia really liked how Alexandra took care of her and just how much she was actually enjoying the BDSM aspect of their relationship. She had just gotten scared and lashed out at the one person who probably didn’t deserve it.
“Fuck,” Julia breathed out. She owed Alexandra a giant apology.
“Hello, Alexandra.”
Alexandra’s eyes grew wide as she took several steps back until she felt the safety of the wall behind her. “W-what are you doing here? You’re not supposed to be here.”
“I missed seeing you,” a low and menacing voice called out as the owner stepped closer to her. “You look good, Mistress.”
“I am not your Mistress. I’m not your anything. You shouldn’t be here.” Alexandra could barely articulate the words as she tried to take deep and steady breaths. She needed to get him out of here, needed to get to a phone. And—Oh God…Julia.
“What’s the matter, Alexandra? I know you want me here. Did you really think that your little trick with Caroline was enough to get rid of me?” the man spat out as he crept another step closer.
“Marcus, you need to go. I do not want you here.”
“I see you, Alexandra. At night, when you roll over in your bed. I see you with her. Who is she? Your shiny new fuck toy? Oh, but wait… I know you haven’t properly fucked her yet. I see you. I watch your every move.” He inhaled sharply for a moment with his eyes tightly closed, as if he were memorizing Alexandra’s very essence. “I watch as you get dressed every day, and then I follow you around the house. They’re everywhere, Alexandra. You can’t escape them.”
“What is everywhere?” Alexandra croaked out.
“Why, the cameras, of course,” Marcus laughed. “You seriously thought that you got rid of them? You will never be able to find each one. I see you in the shower.” He breathed loudly, and Alexandra shivered. “Oh, and I love it when I see you in the bathtub and your hands disappear beneath the bubbles. Are you thinking of me then, Alexandra?”
“N-no,” Alexandra said as tears formed in her eyes. She was scared to death. “You need to go; you’re not allowed to be here.”
“Yet, here I am. Surely you’ve missed me. The touch of a real man, rather than that bimbo you now call yours. You haven’t even let her touch you. I’ve watched you. When you say ‘mine,’ it should only be me you are referring to, and you know it.”
“Don’t you dare talk about her.” Alexandra took a step to the side.
If she could only get to the door, she would be safe. She could lock him out of the house and call the police. They would take hours, but at least she would be safe. Away from him.
“Alexandra…”
“You have to go.” Alexandra choked on her words. “Please, just go.”
“Alexandra.”
“What?” she cried out. “Just leave! Leave this place, and leave me alone.”
“Alexandra! Please! Wake up. You’re having a nightmare,” Julia said softly as she shook Alexandra’s shoulders. “You’re safe. Nothing can hurt you anymore.”
“Julia?” Alexandra’s eyes opened, and she became aware that she wasn’t outside but in her own chair in the living room. Julia was in front of her, crouched down, a hand now placed on her knee. “Oh God.” She began sobbing as she wrapped her arms around Julia in a bone-crushing hug. “Please don’t go, Julia. You have to stay,” she begged, tears falling down her cheeks.
“It’s okay,” Julia said with a soothing voice. “I’ve got you now.” She held Alexandra and rubbed her back. It took several minutes before the steady breaths returned. When Alexandra pulled back, she looked at her with concerned eyes.
“I’m sorry,” Alexandra said in a faint voice. “I was reading and fell asleep. I must have had a nightmare.”
Julia nodded. “Are you okay?” She noticed the book that had fallen on the floor, grabbed it, and placed it back on the table.
“Our fight must have triggered something. I haven’t dreamed about him in a long time.”
“Do you want to talk about it?”
“I want to talk, but not about that, no.” Alexandra gestured for Julia to sit down on the couch.
Julia blinked at her, then sat down opposite Alexandra, her knees pulled up to her chest. “Okay, why did you ignore me?” she asked.
“What do you mean?”
“When I said I was tired of playing the game, you ignored me. Gave me the silent treatment. Why did you do that?”
“Why didn’t you tell me you were uncomfortable or felt humiliated?” Alexandra retorted.
“I was scared. I hadn’t meant to lash out at you, but once I did, I couldn’t stop.”
“Julia, what is the most important aspect in any relationship?”
“Communication,” Julia said. “I know I screwed that up.”
“So did I.” Alexandra nodded. “We both screwed up today, as you so delicately put it.” She was quiet for a moment before adding, “I need to know what it is that you want from me.”
Julia frowned. “What do you mean?”
“Like you said, from day one you have told me that you aren’t into BDSM. Then today you brought that up again. You said you were ready to leave and that things would never work out between us. So I need to know if things are going to work out between us. I need to know if you are going to leave, or if you are going to stay. I need to know what you want from me.”
Julia took a deep breath as she seemed to be considering Alexandra’s words. “I never wanted to leave. I was afraid and said the first things that came to my mind. I always resort to running as a first defense. Bad habit, I know. In all honesty, if we weren’t on a secluded island, I probably would have been long gone by now.” Julia was silent for a moment and then slowly went on. “I don’t want to leave, though… I just got scared.”
Alexandra nodded as she waited for Julia to continue.
“I think saying that I wasn’t into BDSM was an easy way for me to hurt you, because I felt hurt too—or humiliated, or all of the above, maybe. I don’t even know. It’s not true, though… I do like
it. I like what we have, what you do to me…and I don’t want that to stop. I think I just got agitated because I couldn’t find the champagne bottle…and then all the crawling hurt my knees, and suddenly I felt humiliated. I wanted to ask you if I could get up, but then everything just went wrong. I lashed out, I guess, because it seemed like the easy way out.”
“I understand that, but that does mean we have a problem.”
“What problem?”
“You still don’t trust me,” Alexandra said. “If you trusted me, you would have used your safe word when you didn’t feel comfortable anymore. You were scared that I would punish you for using it.”
“But you told me I couldn’t safe word out of the game when I asked.” She hesitated. “And that’s not true. I do trust you.”
Alexandra shook her head. “Not completely. You trust certain parts of me, but there is a reason that you didn’t use your safe word other than me having said within the confines of the game that you couldn’t safe word out. In the moment, when you asked me if you could safe word out, it came across as play to me, because I thought you were clear that your safe word is always an option. We have talked about it extensively, Julia. It needs to be permanently at the front of your mind when we actually play. Otherwise, it could result in your being hurt—physically or emotionally—and I’d never want that to happen. Perhaps it’s my fault for not reminding you, and for not being clear enough that you can always use your safe word.”
“What happened wasn’t your fault,” Julia said carefully. “I screwed up.”
“No, we both did. We clearly had a misunderstanding. I wasn’t paying close enough attention to how you were feeling. But so far, every time we have played, I have asked you for your safe word and when you would use it. The moment I didn’t, you thought you couldn’t use it. For that, I apologize. I should’ve known better. For your outright refusal to speak to me afterwards, though, I will not apologize. That was entirely up to you. And while I understand it, I won’t forgive you for it…not just yet.”