In the Raw

by Eileen Griffin

  Before I left the apartment, I taped a note for Claire on the fridge, letting her know I’d be at the Institute for the rest of the day. I would get through both the competition and pastry rotation on my own even if it took all my spare time in the classroom kitchen.

  I grabbed my keys and left my apartment to take back the control I’d somehow lost over my life once I’d let Jamie Lassiter into it.

  Chapter Twenty-Two

  Jamie

  As I parked my car across from Ethan and Claire’s apartment building, I replayed last night in my mind. To everyone else, Ethan Martin was the asshole who didn’t give a shit about anyone but himself and Claire. Last night he’d been the person I’d always known existed under all those rough layers—approachable, witty, charming, and sexy as hell.

  And that kiss. I’d been lost to everything except his weight against me, his hand on my neck and his hungry mouth on mine. But as soon as it had begun, it was over, the terrified look he’d given me before leaving confusing as hell. Ethan wasn’t afraid of anything, right?

  I’d stood outside the bar for ten minutes after he left, too stunned to move or flag down a cab. On the way home and throughout my sleepless night, I had tried to figure out why he’d left me standing there aching and alone.

  A car horn blaring at me as I darted across the street startled me out of my thoughts. Distraction obviously wasn’t a good thing when it came to crossing busy streets. I tried to shake off the foggy feeling as I entered the building and stepped into the rickety old elevator. I pushed the button for the fifth floor, too weary for the stairs.

  I knew I couldn’t make Ethan talk to me, but I was damn sure going to try. I exited the elevator and steeled my courage as I approached his and Claire’s apartment. After taking in a deep breath, I knocked on the door. When no one answered, I banged harder. “Ethan! It’s Jamie. We need to talk. Let me in.”

  I had my fist raised again in midair when the door opened. I looked down into the eyes of a very tired Claire Martin.

  “Hey, Claire. Sorry to wake you up. Is Ethan home? I need to talk to him.”

  Her tired eyes softened. “He’s not here. I got up a little while ago to an empty apartment and a note from him telling me he left to do some extra work at school.” She opened the door wider and laid a hand on my arm. “Why don’t you come in? I’ve already put a pot of coffee on. Looks like it’s going to be a three-pot morning.”

  I shifted nervously and hesitated. “I should get going. Can you tell him I stopped by? Maybe I’ll try to catch him at the school.”

  Claire leaned forward and laid her hand on my arm. “Don’t take this the wrong way, but you look like shit, Jamie. At least come in and have one cup of coffee.”

  I sighed and smiled at her, thankful at least one of the Martin siblings would talk.

  Claire turned to me when I followed her inside. “So...how badly did he screw this up?”

  “What?” I swallowed uncomfortably.

  She gestured for me to follow her into the kitchen and poured a cup of coffee, setting it on the counter in front of me. “I’ve seen the way he looks at you, Jamie. You’re the last piece of chocolate cake and he’s a starving man. What did he do this time?”

  “Who?” I asked, trying to keep my voice steady.

  She chuckled softly. “My oblivious dickhead brother. He can’t figure out if he wants to mount you or run away screaming.”

  I let out a deep breath and rolled my eyes, embarrassed to have this conversation about Ethan with his own sister. “He bolted like someone was chasing him after he kissed me.”

  She sighed.

  “Jamie, my brother was the skinny teenage boy scrounging through Dumpsters and taking on jobs after school just to take care of me and our mom. After she died, it got worse and he never had time for dating or regular social life stuff. I’m not saying there wasn’t anyone along the way, but nothing real. His social skills need some serious polishing, but underneath all his bullshit and bluster he’s a good man. You know us true cooks are an antisocial lot. We focus too much on the food we often don’t see anything else outside the kitchen.”

  “I know. It’s...he’s so—I can’t even put it into words.”

  She laughed. “Sounds like my brother. You okay, though?”

  I nodded and sat down on the bar stool across the counter from her, wishing for once I knew what to do.

  “Yeah, I’m fine. Maybe. I don’t know. I’m trying to understand what’s going on here.”

  “I get that. But I need to ask you a question and I need an honest answer. Do you like him?”

  I swallowed hard. I’d never admitted out loud to anyone else I liked guys. But Claire didn’t stare at me like I was weird or different or wrong. She seemed to accept it like she accepted the fact Ethan might be interested in me.

  Her face telegraphed surprise at my silence.

  “You’ve never told anyone you’re gay, have you?”

  “Not anyone who mattered.”

  She smiled at me and squeezed my hand. “You like who you like. Just be who you are, okay?” She sipped her coffee then asked, “Just one thing. When are you going to man up and ask my brother out? On a real date or whatever gets you two out there on the same wavelength.”

  A date? If I asked Ethan on a date he’d laugh in my face. Or make some scathing remark about bringing him flowers. I couldn’t even get him to talk about our project half the time, much less get him to agree to a date.

  When I remained silent, she continued. “Jamie...you two are more alike than you think. And so clueless sometimes.” She shook her head and laughed softly. “My brother honest to God likes you. He doesn’t know what to do about it because of his ego and pride, so he’s freaking the hell out.”

  I stared at her in shock. “What do you mean?”

  “Jamie, he’s never looked at anyone the way he looks at you. I saw it the first day we all met. When you introduced yourself, my brother blushed embarrassingly red and played it off like he was Mr. Cool. He would never admit it to you. If you want to make this work you have to talk some sense into his dumb ass. I’ll be honest, he’s a lot of work. But you won’t find anyone more loyal and caring underneath all those layers.”

  I stared down at my coffee cup, trying to digest all of Claire’s words. He wanted me? He had actual feelings and not for some one-night stand kind of thing? I didn’t want to be the next Summer, discarded as soon as he was through with me. I wanted someone who thought of me as an equal. I wanted to believe, but Claire was right. I needed to talk to Ethan himself, embarrassing conversation or not. I took one last drink of coffee and slid off my bar stool. “Did he say exactly where he would be at school?”

  Claire’s eyes twinkled before she turned and pulled a sticky note off the fridge. “It says he went to use the pastry classroom kitchen to practice some recipes.”

  I took the note and opened the door to leave. Claire stopped me and pulled me into a fierce hug. “Make him talk to you. If he won’t, you have my permission to kick his ass.”

  I laughed and wrapped my arms around her tiny frame. “I’ll do my best.”

  As I walked down the five flights of stairs to my car, I had a sense of clarity that had been eluding me these past few weeks. Ethan might still reject me. He might decide this—whatever we were doing—was too much. But one way or another, I was going to make him talk to me today. We both deserved to finally have everything out there, once and for all.

  Chapter Twenty-Three

  Ethan

  I jammed the whisk attachment into the mixer, cursing when it wouldn’t lock in. Why did baking require so many machines? Finally it clicked into place and I twisted the metal bowl, seating it in the base.

  “Rough day?” The low male voice sent my whole body on alert. Lassiter. Jamie. Whatever I wanted to c
all him. I closed my eyes and straightened up, bracing my hands on the stainless-steel work counter. Remember your plan, asshole. You don’t need anyone. You don’t want anyone.

  “What do you want?” I growled.

  “Last night was...interesting.”

  I could feel my jaw clench. Interesting? “Do you need something? I’m busy, Lassiter.”

  I heard him exhale. “Wanting and needing are two different things. I think we need to talk but I’d rather talk to your face and not your back.”

  I swallowed hard and turned to face him, crossing my arms over my chest. Today he looked ragged and worn down. Blond stubble covered his jaw like he’d forgotten to shave.

  “Why did you kiss me?” I had to hand it to him, he had balls.

  I looked away and crossed my arms, deciding to go the evasive route. “Wasn’t the best decision after drinking, I’ll admit.”

  He shrugged. “That’s the answer you’re going to go with? Too much beer? Come on, Ethan. We’re friends, right? You could at least be honest with me.” He kept his face blank as he waited for me to respond.

  Friends?

  “Listen to me very carefully, Lassiter. I don’t want to be your friend.”

  He crossed his arms over his chest and mirrored my stance and glare. “Okay. So we’re not friends. That’s it? You kiss me, decide to go back to asshole Ethan, and I’m supposed to accept it?”

  “We’re partners in class and I got you a shift in the restaurant. Other than that, I don’t know what you’re looking for, Lassiter.”

  “I want you to tell me the truth, Ethan. Why? Why me?”

  Why him? Was he fucking serious?

  “Why do you care? I’m a menial dishwasher, remember? It’s time you realized the difference between us.” I expected him to agree. Instead, he squared his shoulders, a determined look crossing his face as he moved closer.

  “My whole life people have told me what I should do, who I should be, who I should like. No one has ever asked me what I want.”

  “What do you want?” I swallowed hard, fighting the urge to keep him away.

  He took another step closer, and I felt my back bump the prep table behind me. The memory of our reversed roles from last night flooded my system. Every self-protective instinct I had screamed for me to run. Cornered like an animal, I had two choices. Lash out or run.

  The intense look left his face. Lassiter sighed and shook his head. “Ethan, you can be annoying as hell, infuriatingly stubborn, and frustrating.”

  I snorted, unable to disagree with the truth. “Well...yes.”

  “You’re also protective. You look out for Claire even when she doesn’t need it. You stuck up for me even when no one else ever has. When you’re not being an ass, you’re fun to hang out with and you have the snarkiest sense of humor. You’re cocky as hell but you have the talent to back it up. The thing about you I envy the most? You know exactly who you are and you don’t pretend to be anything else. It’s sexy.”

  Lust flooded my body as the panicky feeling slowly began to fade. This, I knew. Jamie leaned his weight into me, pressing my back against the edge of the prep table. Need spiked through my system at the way he took charge.

  “Tell me you don’t feel this and we can go back to ignoring each other.”

  While I blinked, Lassiter’s lips met mine, soft and tentative. My fingers curled into the fabric of his fleece jacket, pulling him closer. The hands cupping my face were gentle, as was the way he brushed his lips against mine, the faint scrape of his stubble heating my skin.

  He turned his head, his bottom lip dragging over mine slowly as I felt my eyes close. My breath stuttered as he parted his lips, his tongue touching mine. I growled in frustration when he kept the kiss from deepening further. Leaning forward, I nipped his lip and sucked it between mine.

  Jamie made a noise low in his throat and pulled back, his eyes searching my face. He licked his reddened lip and I held back a moan. What was it about him? Just the feeling of him close had my whole body buzzing. One look and I wanted to bury myself balls-deep inside him and never let go.

  Cheeks flushed and his eyes heavy lidded, he stared at me. “Nope. Nothing. Well, at least we tried.” His voice breathless, he stepped back.

  I raised an eyebrow. “It was a very good try. Too bad it didn’t make either of us hard.” I stared at his body hungrily, pointedly stopping at the obvious bulge in his pants.

  “Too bad,” he murmured. No one had ever looked at me like he did. Hungry, needy, desperate. But it wasn’t just lust. It was more.

  My hand slipped under the hem of his jacket and hooked on his belt. My fingers curled around the leather as I yanked him close. I turned us and shoved him up against the table as bowls and dishes rattled with the force. His eyes widened in surprise as I slid my hands around to cup his ass, lifting his weight up onto the table. I stifled a groan when I felt his muscles shift against me. Nothing was sexier than feeling his body against mine.

  “What do you want, Lassiter?” I kneaded his ass harder as my teeth grazed the skin under his jaw.

  Want me. Please. Want me for this. Want me for more, for everything.

  His head tilted back as a guttural moan escaped his lips when my teeth marked his skin. Jamie impatiently tugged my mouth back to his, his mouth desperate as mine. My fingers scrambled to tug down his jacket zipper and burrow under his T-shirt. We both moaned as my palms flattened against the warm skin of his flat stomach. When he sucked in a breath, his abs tightened under my fingers and his mouth grew rougher on mine.

  I broke the kiss to pant for breath. He gasped and pulled me closer, his head tilting to the side to give better access as I kissed across his jaw. The sexy woodsy scent I always associated with Jamie grew stronger as I traced the hollow of his throat with my tongue, earning a full-body shiver and a gasp. He shifted, then tilted his face back down to mine, his eyes dark as he watched me. He parted his lips and took a deep breath, when we heard the classroom door slam shut.

  “Well, well, well. Looks like someone takes extra credit very seriously.” Reed Jackson’s smug voice accompanied the sound of a camera clicking. I pulled back, anger flooding my body as Jamie’s face flushed with mortification.

  “What the fuck do you want, Jackson?” Turning, I tried to shield his body from Reed’s view.

  He waved the camera at me.

  “I knew having this with me would come in handy. Isn’t this priceless? The golden child and the penniless line chef. I wonder if conservative Father Lassiter knows his only son and heir is gay and slumming it with our resident bottom-feeder? I’m sure he’ll be appalled once he sees this picture. Who would have thought it would be so damn easy to find you in a compromising position, Jamie. I mean, your parents suspected you would disgrace them but even this is beyond what I’d expected from you. It’s so deliciously scandalous.”

  Seething rage surged through my body and Reed’s eyes widened when I advanced on him. The smug look on his face was replaced with fear before he hid it with an attempt to look tough. I shoved him hard enough he took a step back.

  “You’ve got more problems of your own right now, Jackson.” I got in his face as he blanched, lowering my voice to a menacing whisper. “The best part of having nothing? I have nothing to lose. If you even think of hurting him I will end you.”

  “Threats and intimidation? Just what I expected from trailer trash like you, Martin. Don’t worry, I won’t need to use this picture if your little boyfriend does me one small favor.” He sidestepped my body and leered at Jamie. “Your dad was right to be suspicious about who you were hanging around with. After I show him this picture, he’ll see what’s going on with his precious perfect son and I’ll make him see I’m someone who’s willing to do anything to get the job done.”

  He looked back at me and laughed mockingly. “Sorry, Martin.
I’d send a copy to your dad, but since no one knows where he is I guess he doesn’t give a shit his son is a colossal screwup. It probably won’t be a surprise to him, though, since his daughter is a waste of space too.”

  I gritted my teeth and shoved him hard, watching as he stumbled against the wall. “Say another word. Move a muscle and I will destroy you.” The look of fear in Reed’s eyes was almost as satisfying as the feel of his body shaking as I pinned him against the wall.

  “Ethan, don’t. It’s not worth him having anything else to use against us.” I heard Jamie hop down from the table and walk behind me. When I turned to look at Jamie over my shoulder, my stomach churned. Concern and embarrassment was written all over his face. I wondered if he’d regret anything. I shoved Reed one more time, let go of his shirt and backed away before I changed my mind and hit him like I was aching to.

  He glared at both of us before making a hasty retreat out of the classroom. I swiped my arm across the table, sending bowls and flour flying as I heard the door click softly behind us. Reed was gone.

  Chapter Twenty-Four

  Jamie

  After Reed left, Ethan knocked his cake pan to the floor and batter flew everywhere. “Shit!” He buried his hands in his hair, tugging hard.

  Everything Claire had said during our talk echoed through my head. I wanted him, he wanted me. But was it enough?

  “Jackson is the worst kind of asshole imaginable. He has no right to hold any of your personal shit over your head like it’s something to be ashamed of. You and me? It’s nothing you should have to hide from your parents. Who cares if you’re gay?”

  I sighed and looked away. “I care. I know you don’t get it, Ethan, but this, all of this, is all I’ve ever known. If they disown me, I’d have nothing left. No family, no money, nothing. I’m not saying I haven’t thought my life might be easier without them breathing down my neck all the time, but I’ve never done this—” I waved my hands between him and me, “—before. It’s a little overwhelming.”