In the Raw

by Eileen Griffin

I padded into the kitchen, headed to the refrigerator for a bottle of water and some aspirin when movement made me freeze. Ethan was still here. In my kitchen.

  I knew surprise was etched on my face when I spotted him, clad only in a pair of my workout shorts, rifling through a cabinet. In the dim light from the small lamp, I could barely make out the ink covering his back and arms. He turned and faced me, his messy hair tousled from my fingers, and his crooked grin sent renewed heat through my body.

  “You’re still here,” I croaked, my throat dry.

  His smile slowly dimmed and his expression turned guarded.

  “Yeah? Why wouldn’t I be?” He paused and lifted the empty glass in his hand. “I was just grabbing something to drink but I couldn’t figure out which of the cabinets you kept your glasses in.” He ran his hand through his hair, making the already messy strands stick up even more.

  I blinked. How was he still here? I’d thought for sure he’d bolted again. Standing in my kitchen, Ethan Martin suddenly looked vulnerable.

  “Do you want me to leave?” His low voice was still sleep roughened and I didn’t know what I wanted at the moment. After thinking he’d left me hanging again, I felt raw and exposed.

  When I didn’t answer he slowly set down the glass he’d been holding and his shoulders tensed.

  “You really thought I’d left, didn’t you?”

  I crossed my arms over my chest, wishing at the moment I had more clothes on besides my thin boxer briefs.

  “What did you expect me to think?” I sighed and leaned against the kitchen counter, keeping a fair amount of distance between us. “I woke up and you were gone. It may have been just sex before, but it’s more now. And like it or not, you hurt me when you left, Ethan. You took off right when I could have used the support or at least someone to understand what I was going through. You ignored me for two weeks. So tell me, what was I supposed to think when I woke up alone in bed?”

  He sighed and set the glass down on the counter. “I deserved all that. I know I screwed up, but I have no intention of leaving unless you want me to. Do you want me to?”

  My body ached to close the distance between us and take him in my arms, but I couldn’t. Last night I needed to feel the connection between us. This morning I needed to hear why he’d come over at all. “No, but I need to know why you’re still here. You told me you didn’t do relationships. Why me? Why now?”

  He hesitated for a moment, then walked across the kitchen, standing mere inches from me with three long strides. He cupped my jaw and forced my eyes to meet his. “I’m here because I want you. Because even though I tried to get you out of my head for two straight weeks, I couldn’t. Because there’s nowhere else I’d rather be than right here.”

  “Not everyone is fearless like you, Ethan.”

  He laughed but the sound was devoid of humor. “Fearless? I’m far from it. Especially when it comes to you.”

  “Please. You’re not afraid of anything.”

  “Don’t you get it? You terrify me. You make me want more than to spend my life in a furnace of a kitchen. You make me want more. Period.”

  I leaned into his touch and closed my eyes. I wanted to believe him, but there was still so much we needed to discuss. He pulled back and cleared his throat. When I opened my eyes, his expression was serious. “What is this?” He picked up the letter from my parents and held it out to me.

  I swallowed hard, my eyes locked on the paperwork in his hands.

  “If we’re going to try to do this—” he waved his free hand between us, “—we need to start by being honest with each other. Now tell me. What is this?”

  I pulled back and took the papers out of his hand. “Letters. From my parents’ lawyer and there’s one in there somewhere from my mom. They’ve threatened to freeze all my accounts unless I decide to follow their vision of what they deem acceptable and appropriate for my life.” I sighed and set down the paperwork. “They’ve decided to be generous, though. If I decide to go my own way and chuck the Lassiter image altogether, they’ve agreed to give me a small account to tide me over until I can get on my feet. But the condo, trust fund, tuition, all of it’ll be rescinded. Gone. Finito. I’ll be on my own.”

  Ethan took a step toward me, but I shook my head. It was all too much all of a sudden. While a part of me wanted his arms around me, I needed space. I took a deep breath, pleading with my eyes for him to understand.

  “I’ll have to get a job, financial aid, something—hopefully win the scholarship if I want to stay in school. It’s either that or go back in the closet and work for my dad.”

  Ethan growled, picking up the discarded paperwork and crumpling it in his fist. “They couldn’t tell you this themselves? They had to tell you through their scumbag lawyer on a piece of paper?”

  I knew the smile that ghosted across my lips was devoid of humor. “I told them the only two things I wanted were to be a chef...and you.”

  He stared at me hard, for once totally serious, with no trace of his usual smirk or cockiness. “No matter what, you can’t drop out of school. You can’t let them take that away from you.”

  I gently pried the papers out of his hand and set them back on the counter. “I’d have to apply for financial aid, but it’s pretty late in the semester. I even know a guy who I might be able to convince to get me another shift in the school restaurant. But I’ll figure it out later.”

  Ethan leaned against the counter next to me, his shoulder barely brushing against mine. He nudged me, but didn’t meet my eyes. “When do you have to let them know? You know, about your decision.”

  I moved closer to him and brushed my fingers along the back of his hand. When his warm, callused hand enveloped mine, I felt the weight of the past two weeks begin to lift off my shoulders. “I’m expected for dinner this weekend, but I’m not going. I’m tired of pretending to be someone I’m not. And I’m sure my mother will have another potential Mrs. Lassiter lined up even though I told her I’m gay. After all, what I want doesn’t matter.” I sighed. “I’ll just have to find another way to pay for school.”

  I tightened my fingers in his and pulled him closer. He smiled sadly, his green eyes tinged with worry. I shook my head and lifted our joined hands in front of us. “What I couldn’t stand them taking away? My ability to choose who to be with.”

  He leaned in to cup my cheek with his free hand, brushing his lips softly against mine. I released my hold on his hand and closed the distance between us, wrapping my arms tightly around him. He rested his forehead to mine and sighed.

  “I’m going to have to find another nickname for you since you’re a broke ass like me now.”

  I smiled, nuzzling his neck when he pulled me closer. “I don’t know. Golden Boy was starting to grow on me.”

  His body shook with laughter. “Never thought I’d hear those words come out of your mouth.”

  My lips trailed along his skin and I slid my hands lower to his hips. “I’m pretty sure there were a lot of things you never imagined coming out of my mouth until last night.”

  He groaned, sending a jolt of need straight through me. I nipped the skin below his ear and was rewarded with a thrust of his hips against me. His eyes searched my face, need and vulnerability warring for dominance in his expression. I bridged the gap between us and captured his lips with mine, murmuring as I tried to infuse all I felt in a single kiss. “I want you.”

  He moaned softly in response, then pulled back, breaking our kiss and looking at me with a guarded expression. “I want you too, and I think we have a lot more to talk about, but I won’t do a secret relationship. Not now. Not ever. I refuse to hide who I am and who I’m with.”

  Feeling calmer than I had in over two weeks, I looked him directly in the eyes, hoping he heard the conviction in my words. “No secret relationship. Just the two of us figuring this out as
we go. And I’m pretty sure the ship has already sailed with my parents and our classmates. Not too many people left for me to out myself to now.”

  He chuckled and pulled me back into his arms. I buried my face in his neck and closed my eyes, breathing in his scent. It brought a sense of calm I hadn’t felt in almost two weeks. I sighed and relaxed against him. We must have stayed wrapped around each other for a good five minutes before he broke the silence between us.

  “What are you going to do once your parents figure out you’re not coming for dinner this weekend? Do you think they’ll kick you out of here immediately?”

  Sighing, I pulled myself away from him and leaned against the kitchen counter again. “I don’t know. I’ve looked around, but there aren’t too many high-paying jobs for someone with only one day of real-life experience. Most places had starting positions available, but I’d never be able to afford rent with a part-time waitstaff job while also trying to juggle tuition. I’ll look into financial aid, because with how well you did in the last round of competition, I’m not stupid enough to think I’m a shoo-in for winning the scholarship. Maybe I can qualify for a loan somewhere and find a cheap place to live.”

  Almost shyly, Ethan took my hand and turned me to face him. “You could come stay with us. With me and Claire. Until you get on your feet.”

  My heart hammered in my chest as I took in his shy, guarded expression, the tightness in his shoulders. “Ethan, I’m not sure you want me crowding you and Claire in your apartment. I’ll be fine.”

  He crossed his arms over his chest. “Uh-huh. Sure. Do you know how much rent is around here unless you live in a dump? Yeah, I don’t think so. Come stay with us. At least until you work out shit with financial aid.”

  I bit my lip and looked at him, debating what to do. If we were going to make this work, we’d be dating and spending time together anyway. But even as I thought that, Ethan’s words from weeks before came back to me. I’m not a fucking charity case. You help me, I help you. That’s how it works. How stupid I’d been to not understand something so simple and basic at the time. Being stripped of all the benefits the Lassiter name afforded had been the surest way to put life in perspective.

  Making my decision, I nodded, my determined expression matching his own. “Okay. Until I get something worked out with financial aid. But I’m not a charity case, Martin. You help me, I help you. Whatever pittance I make from the job I have to find by next week, goes toward helping with rent and groceries.” Ethan opened his mouth to interrupt me, but I put my hand up to stop him. “It’s either that, or nothing.”

  He pulled me against his body, his lips pressing against my temple as he chuckled. “I seem to recall hearing those words somewhere else. I can’t remember where, though. Must be the stress of school messing with my memory.”

  I tried to pull back and glare at him, but he kept me held tightly against him.

  “It’s a deal, Golden Boy. I’ll even talk to Kitterick to see if you can have a regular shift at the restaurant. I’m not sure he’ll take you on, though. You are a little bit of a troublemaker.”

  He yelped when I reached down and pinched his ass through the fabric of his borrowed shorts. “Asshole. This troublemaker is going to take a shower and get his stuff together. We still have class later. And we need to talk to Claire.”

  “Why? She loves you. Who do you think has been pestering me the last two weeks to talk to you?”

  “Yeah, but living together is a lot different than talking.”

  He pulled me close for a deep kiss.

  “Shower, then we face my sister. Okay?”

  “We’re showering alone.”

  He made a face.

  “You know if we’re both in the shower at the same time we’ll be late.” I winked at him. “Don’t worry, you can scrub my back later after class.”

  “You are an evil, evil man, Jamie Lassiter.”

  I threw him a smirk over my shoulder as I headed to the bathroom. “I learned from the best.”

  I was still grinning when I stepped underneath the shower spray. Maybe living together temporarily wasn’t such a bad idea.

  Chapter Thirty-Six

  Ethan

  While Lassiter scrubbed his evil ass in the shower I flipped open my phone and dialed Claire.

  “Please for the love of all that is holy tell me you got down on your knees and begged forgiveness until the end of time,” she mumbled when she answered the phone.

  “Well, I got down on my knees...” I trailed off, just to mess with her.

  Seconds later, fake barfing noises had me laughing.

  “You’re a nasty, nasty man.”

  “Yes. Yes, I am. But yes...we’re working on it.”

  She let out a relieved sigh.

  “Thank God. I thought I was going to have to lock you two in the storeroom at school to get you to talk.” She chuckled and I snorted, recalling Jamie’s confession regarding the very same storeroom. “You know he’s good for you. He doesn’t take any of your shit, E. He pushes you and he’s stubborn enough to put up with you.”

  I rubbed the back of my neck.

  “Yeah, I know. He’s braver than I could ever be. Did you know his parents are pretty much cutting him off of everything?”

  “Because of you?”

  “Partly. But mostly because he won’t do what they want. They’re treating him like a child. Goddammit.” I rubbed at my eyes. “Why is shit always so complicated? I want to fix this for him and make the bullshit stop.”

  “Big brother, you can’t fix everything. All you can do is let Jamie deal with this in his own way and support him.”

  Shit.

  “Claire, about that... They’re kicking him out of his condo...”

  “And?”

  “And I kind of volunteered our place for him to stay until he figures out something permanently.”

  For a moment silence greeted me on the other end of the line.

  “Claire, you still there?”

  “Yeah, I’m here, E. Are you sure it’s a good idea? I mean, you two just started talking again. Living with someone is a big step.”

  I rolled my eyes.

  “It’s temporary.”

  “Maybe, but what if he can’t find another place right away? You’d be sharing a room with someone you’ve just begun a relationship with, Ethan. As much I love Jamie, you’re my brother and you need to be smart about this if you want it to work.”

  When the bathroom door opened and Jamie walked out wrapped in a towel, my attention wandered. As I watched a drop of water slowly roll down his chest, his skin flushed from the hot shower, sharing a room was the least of my concerns.

  “Gotta go, Claire. Talk to you later.”

  “Wait, Eth—”

  I snapped my phone shut and tossed it on the counter.

  “Is Claire okay with—”

  The three feet of space separating our bodies disappeared as I stalked toward Jamie, intent on getting us both naked as quickly as possible. I shoved one hand into his wet hair and ground my body into his until I’d backed him against the fridge. He was my only focus. Not plans, not the scholarship, not his shitty parents, not anything but making him feel.

  * * *

  Jamie shook his head at me, his smile amused. “Well, yeah. I had to figure out something. I may be pissed at my parents but it’s not fair to leave sweaty marks all over the fridge for the poor cleaning lady.”

  As we were leaving his parents’ condo, he grabbed the letters from his mom and the lawyer, shoving them deep inside his backpack. When I raised my eyebrow at him in a silent question, he shrugged it off without a response. I remembered Claire had said to let him work stuff out without trying to fix it so I tried to keep quiet. Except for the radio tuned to some pop station I barely t
olerated, the drive to my apartment was silent until I squeezed Jamie’s knee and pointed at the next exit sign. “Take the next exit.”

  He looked over at me with a blank expression, then nodded and turned on the blinker, checking the traffic behind him as he switched lanes. Once he had safely navigated the right exit, he covered my hand with his and squeezed.

  Too much had happened over the past twenty-four hours. I shifted back in my seat. I knew I should stay quiet, but I hated what his parents were doing to him. “Jamie? Fuck them. Your parents should realize they have a son. Not a brand or a name. A son.”

  His fingers twisted around and squeezed mine tightly. “Thank you, Ethan. No one’s ever asked me what I want or need. No one’s cared enough to. I’m trying to wrap my brain around everything, but it’s a lot to let sink in.”

  My heart clenched at the thought of the letters in his backpack, wishing like hell I could change the situation so he wouldn’t have to feel like he’d been kicked out of the only home he’d ever known. “I still want to kick your dad’s ass. Just sayin’.”

  He laughed for the first time since we’d gotten in the car and navigated his way through the crowded streets near my apartment. “I’m sure you’re not the only one who’s ever felt that way. But for the first time since I can remember, I’m free to choose what I want to do without worrying about disappointing anyone. It must sound bizarre to you, but I’m actually okay with it.”

  I didn’t know what else to say, so I let him drive the last few miles in silence. I didn’t understand how he could blithely accept his parents completely cutting him out of their lives. As for the money thing? I had a feeling Lassiter had never had to live without. Not like Claire and I had for long periods of time in our lives. Freedom came with a price. I could understand the wanting to be free, but the practicality of it was another thing altogether.

  He parked my car not too far from my building and together we carried the few bags he’d packed up the stairs. When I unlocked my apartment door, I could see him hesitating on the threshold, uncertainty written all over his face. Before he could voice any more doubts about whether he should be staying with me and Claire, I dropped his bags on the floor. I leaned in to frame his face with my hands, brushing my lips softly against his. “Welcome home, Golden Boy.”