Zane's Nervous

by Zane

  marcella

  I decided to conduct the next therapy session at Jonquinette’s apartment. I wanted all of the personalities to feel comfortable and it was the obvious choice. I spoke to Jude first. She greeted me at the door. I knew it was her right away from the way that she grinned at me and carried herself.

  “Good morning, Jude,” I said.

  “Good morning, Marcella. Come on in. We’ve been expecting you.”

  “You sound mighty cheerful this morning.”

  Jude shrugged. “What can I say? If you can’t beat them, join them.”

  “So you realize there are others?” I asked.

  “I know there’s at least one. When Jonquinette came back into your office, so did I, and I heard everything she heard.”

  “I take that to mean that you never knew about Henry’s molestation of Jonquinette?”

  Jude shook her head. “No, I didn’t. I just always knew I didn’t like the bastard. It seems that my actions have now been justified.” She laughed. “At least I didn’t attempt to outright kill him. If I had, I wouldn’t have missed.”

  I chuckled. “No, I don’t suppose you would have.”

  Jude walked over to the window and peered out. “I’ve been giving this a lot of consideration. Jon’s been through a lot.”

  “Yes, she has, and you’ve been there for her when she needed you most.”

  “But now she doesn’t need me anymore. Is that what you’re getting at?”

  “You tell me. Does she still need you?”

  “I hate to admit this but I suppose not. That doesn’t mean I’m going away completely, though. I might just stop doing all the bad things I’ve been doing and let Jon make all the decisions.”

  “So you admit that you’ve been doing bad things?”

  “Of course. I won’t even attempt to sugarcoat it. Jon was boring, simple as that. I had to do something adventurous to make life bearable. But now that she’s dating this Mason dude, who’s all right by the way, things are looking up.”

  “You like Mason?”

  “He’s growing on me, slowly. He’s romantic and that’s a good sign. I believe that he loves Jon and I know for a fact that she loves him. Who am I to interfere with what could be the love affair of the century?”

  “I’m delighted to hear you say that, Jude.” I walked over to her and placed my hand on her shoulder. For once, she didn’t yank it away from me. “Jude, I know that this is hard on you. You’re a person just like Jonquinette and Jetta.”

  “I meant what I said before,” Jude stated, turning to look at me. “I never set out to hurt Jonquinette. I love her. But, I had to do what I had to do and as far as the sex, that was my escape.”

  “I understand perfectly.”

  “Marcella, I’ve made up my mind. Yes, I’ve definitely made it up. I’m going to let Jon live her life the way she wants to.” Jude actually seemed excited as she spoke the words. “She deserves it. She’s been through enough.” She paused and added, “I can’t speak for this Jetta person, though. I don’t even know her ass but I like her.”

  We both laughed.

  “I don’t think Jetta will be surfacing anytime soon, Jude. She spoke her mind and accomplished what she set out to do. At least, that’s the way I view it, but I could always be wrong.”

  “No, Marcella, you’re right,” Jude said smugly. “I have confidence in you. But don’t get it twisted.” She poked me in the arm. “If someone starts fucking with my girl, I will be back to handle things.”

  “I have no doubt that you will,” I stated honestly. “I’ll try to make sure that no one fucks with Jonquinette ever again.”

  Jude hugged me, which truly shocked me, and whispered in my ear, “Good looking out.”

  She headed down the hall to the bedroom. “I’m tired. I need to lie down for a while.”

  “Are you okay?” I called after her.

  She turned and winked at me. “I’m just fine. We all are.”

  • • •

  I decided to stay at Jonquinette’s apartment to see what happened. Mason knocked on the door and I introduced myself to him. We chatted quietly in the living room for a few minutes, but I refused to go into details since I was still sworn to protect the privacy of my patients. I listened to him comment on things that Jon had obviously revealed to him but I refused to expound upon them.

  Mason seemed like a wonderful man and I could see why Jonquinette was so in love with him. Most people would not deal with such a difficult situation but Mason swore that he had no plans to go anywhere. In fact, he told me that he one day planned to marry Jonquinette. I encouraged him to put that on hold until she had time to heal. He agreed to wait.

  I let him out and sat down on the sofa, staring at the ceiling and pondering the events of the past several days. I wished Dr. Driggs was still alive so I could seek his advice. I had a call in to another dear friend of mine in Florida. He was on vacation but his secretary assured me that I would be his first phone call upon his return. Either way, with or without another doctor to consult, I was determined to help Jonquinette.

  An hour later, I heard the bedroom door creak open and I sat up, waiting to see who would emerge. As soon as she came around the corner, I knew it was Jonquinette. She looked refreshed and had this glow about her.

  “How about we go out to dinner?” I suggested. “It would be a good thing for us to get out of this environment for a little while.”

  Jonquinette smiled. “I’m starved. Where shall we go?”

  “Um, how about Justin’s? I heard the food’s fantastic and I’ve never been.”

  “Me either. Sounds good to me. Let me just get a coat.”

  “Great. We’ll take my car.”

  Jonquinette and I had a lovely dinner at Justin’s and talked about the future, her future.

  epilogue

  jonquinette

  Ever since the onset of my integration, I must admit that it’s been difficult to accept that I am all alone now. It’s weird because I never really knew them. I just knew that sometimes I simply wasn’t there.

  I was finally able to become strong enough to stand alone. A lot of it had to do with making sure that Flower didn’t suffer the same fate as me. All those years, Jude and Jetta existed to protect me. Now it is my time to protect Flower.

  Daddy is getting the help that he needs. It is still difficult to forgive and it is impossible to forget. So much pain was caused by his actions—a chain reaction to pain that he endured at an early age himself.

  Flower’s mother won’t allow Daddy to see her at all. She said that, in time, she might agree to supervised visits. I decided not to press charges. There was nothing to be gained by that because Daddy has an illness. He’s not a criminal.

  Mason and I are still going strong. He has hinted around about marriage but I’m not ready. I have so much more I have to figure out about myself, now that I’m in complete control of all of my actions. Darnetta is still mad at me and not speaking but that’s her prerogative. There will be no more apologies coming from me and I refuse to allow her to make me find another job. If she truly hates me, she can find one because times are hard.

  I still go to see Dr. Spencer. I plan to keep my weekly appointments for as long as necessary. Marcella said there is a chance that one or more alters might surface again, but only for a little while and not to the degree that they did before. They would not have the same hold on me. She was honest with me by saying that it could take several years for me to become fully integrated. She said that my alters are still present but all of us are just living together in harmony. I found that difficult to comprehend but I didn’t doubt it. I let her know that I was in it for the long haul. Too many people think they don’t need counseling, when it’s obvious that they do. It is not a sign of weakness, like so many tend to think. It is a sign of empowerment.

  Jude and Jetta, wherever you may be, thank you from the bottom of my heart.

  NERVOUS

  ZANE

&nb
sp; An Atria Books Discussion Guide

  ABOUT THIS GUIDE

  The suggested questions are intended to help your reading group find new and interesting angles and topics for discussion for Zane’s Nervous. We hope that these ideas will enrich your conversation and increase your enjoyment of the book.

  A Conversation with Zane

  Q: Jonquinette is a fascinating character with a complex disorder. How did you research the psychiatric problems afflicting her? Did you talk to any doctors or patients who have experience with this condition, or read any interesting real-life accounts?

  A: I love the Jonquinette character, and her multiple personality disorder (MPD) intrigued me. I did most of my research via the Internet and read a lot of medical information about the causes, symptoms, and cures. I was also stunned by the number of sites operated by people suffering from the disease. I thought that it was rare until a search engine came back with hundreds of sites. Out of all my characters, Jonquinette took the most thought to create and bring to life.

  Q: In some ways, Nervous is about conflicting impulses that can arise in a person, even if they only have one personality. Like Jonquinette, do you think we all have to learn to balance desires for sex and love, forgiveness and retribution, and submissive and assertive behavior?

  A: I think that balancing life is a task that people endure on a daily basis. What is too much and what is too little? Do we give of ourselves freely or proceed with caution? Do we just forgive, forget, and move on, or do we try to get back at those who harm us emotionally or physically? Jonquinette had to deal with all of those feelings when it came to opening her heart up to Mason, forgiving her father instead of having him arrested, and learning how to take control of her situation.

  Q: In the Introduction, you wrote that the idea for this novel came from a short story. What aspect of the short story so intrigued you that you had to write this novel? What was it that you wanted to expand and explore?

  A: The short story entitled “Nervous,” from The Sex Chronicles: Shattering the Myth, was one of the stories that I received the most feedback on, particularly from women. In a sense, most women have two sides to them: the one that wants to be respected and the one that wants to explore new things without being judged. Addicted had originally started out as a short story in my head but I thought the character was much deeper than just a few pages, so I put it aside and wrote the novel later. I felt very much the same way about the main character in the short story “Nervous.” She deserved a closer look and it was amazing to give her a name and a voice.

  Q: The conversation Jon has with the wise old woman at church seems to mark a turning point for her. Did you have a particular model for that character? The church itself seemed to play an important role in Jon’s life. How do you think church helps care for its members?

  A: I felt compelled to put that in the book because I am a “PK,” Preacher’s Kid, and the church has always played an important role in my life. Whenever I hit a hard place, going to church lifts me back up. I believe there are no mistakes or accidents in life and I believe that God intentionally closes some doors, in a sense saying, “Don’t go there!” Then he opens up the right ones. As for the model for the older female character, there was an older woman who once helped me make some difficult life decisions and I used her as the model. I actually wrote a short story based on my relationship with her called “Sometimes Young People Do Listen.” She is a very special person to me.

  Q: You’ve taken your erotica to a wide audience, first through the Internet, and then through a traditional publishing house. Who do you think your readers are? Who do you write for?

  A: I think my readers are just about anyone who likes to read books that keep reality in perspective. The sex is a major part of my writing—but I think it is more about me writing about things that people have done, would like to do, or have always wondered about doing. I write for myself; it is my escape into the unknown. It relieves my stress. It makes me happy. Being able to do what I love doing for a living only makes the sun shine brighter, but I would still write if no one ever read it. In fact, I probably have more written that has not been seen in public than has been.

  Q: What do you think about the way pedophiles are handled by the state? Do you believe, as Jonquinette does, that they should be treated instead of prosecuted?

  A: I believe that has to be dealt with on a case-by-case basis. However, I really don’t believe that prison rehabilitates anyone. In my opinion, it only increases anger, depression, and the willingness to go outside of the law. I believe that pedophilia is a disease and that more concentration needs to be placed on breaking the vicious cycle than on locking people up like animals. I am tackling that concept in a book that I am editing called Breaking the Cycle. The madness must stop somewhere and sometime, and there is never a better time than the present.

  Q: What writers do you admire? Who inspires you to write?

  A: Quite honestly, the majority of people have probably never heard of most of the writers who I admire. The ones that people have heard of include Stephen King, Jeffery Deaver, and Patricia Cornwell. I am actually a huge mystery buff and even write mystery novels. Those are some of the ones collecting dust on my various hard drives. I admire and am inspired by all of the authors that I publish under Strebor Books International. However, if I had to name my favorite author of all time, it would have to be D. V. Bernard, a young brother from New York City, who wrote The Last Dream About Dawn and the upcoming God in the Image of Woman. He blows me away every time. I just hope he one day gets the recognition that he deserves.

  Q: How has your writing changed since you started? Is there any aspect of the craft that you are more aware of now than when you started?

  A: As an author, I strive to make every book better than my last book. I strive to grow in some way and hone my craft. At first, I hated writing dialogue. Now I find that to be one of my greatest strengths. I faced my challenges head-on, concentrated on them the most, and overcame them. I am more aware of a lot of the technical aspects of writing—how long a novel should be, the importance of backstory, story line structure, and most important, the knowledge that character development, or the lack thereof, can make or break a story. That is the main reason I can’t finish certain books, and I tell authors all the time: if you do not develop your characters properly and make the reader feel a closeness to them, the reader will not care when things begin to happen to them—good or bad.

  Q: Why did you choose to write erotica? Have you ever been drawn to write in other genres? What is it about erotica that you want to draw out in your writing?

  A: Actually, I never chose erotica. It chose me, but that is a story for another day because it is a long one. I think of my story lines first, I flesh out my characters, and then I add risqué sex. I write in several other genres and hope to publish some of those numerous novels—under another pseudonym—in the near future. As for erotica, I believe different people have different ideas about what it means. To me, erotic stories do two things: make people horny—the obvious one—and make people lose themselves in the story. I don’t like stories that jump straight into sex. Who cares? Anyone can have sex or just write about some nameless person sexing another nameless person down. One of the contributors to Chocolate Flava: The Eroticanoir.com Anthology sent me a story about two people, hooking up again after several years, in a hotel room getting busy. I rejected it but told her to try again. I wanted her to tell me who the people were, why were they so happy to see each other again after many years, why had they been apart for so long, etc. She came back to me a few days later with an incredible story that ended up in the book. To me, that’s erotica.

  There is one main reason why I do write erotic fiction and will continue to do so. I have made many women realize that they are not alone. A lot of women grow up believing that men should be the sexual aggressors, that men should be the experimental ones, and that women should just settle and be satisfied with the luck of the draw. I wa
nt women to know that it is more than okay—it is essential—that we speak up and express our sexual needs, wants, and desires. Men are not psychic. Only a woman can tell what turns her on or off. Men do it all the time and ask for specific sexual acts. It is time for the tides to turn and if I can aid in making it happen, then I’m game.

  Q: You seem to be a strong advocate for psychiatric care and counseling. Do you feel that these services are not as available or as widely sought as they should be?

  A: I believe they are available but that they are not sought out enough—particularly in the African-American community. I actually know three black female psychiatrists personally and there was a convention for black psychiatrists at the D.C. Convention Center some years back. That means they are plentiful. However, needing help with mental issues has often been considered a stigma, a sign of weakness, because we are supposed to be beyond that. Everyone is the same inside and we all bleed the same, so to make the assumption that other races can be mentally off balance but we can’t is absurd. Women of other races often leave luncheon dates announcing that they are running late for an appointment with their therapist, but you would be hard-pressed to find a sister openly admitting to it. It is sad, really, because so many choose to suffer—sometimes for an entire lifetime—instead of seeking help.

  Questions and Topics for Discussion

  1. What is your first impression of Jonquinette? Is she friendly, responsible, reserved, assertive? Does Jonquinette surprise you at any point in the novel, or do anything that seems unlike herself? Do you think she surprises Jude? Although the integration of her personalities gives Jon the greatest control over her life, her character develops in more subtle ways over the course of the novel. How does she change, and how does her development make the integration possible?