by Debra Dixon
Not that it mattered where he sat or how much he paced. No one else was in the room. Amanda Shipman’s husband was probably coaching his wife. But that was all right. Joshua was in the mood to be alone.
When Victoria finally came in, he’d been contemplating the toes of his boots for twenty minutes and trying to decide how to say what he wanted to say.
“You didn’t have to come up and wait here,” she said as she reached up and pulled off the surgical cap. She looked tired but happy, as if she’d gotten unexpected good news. Her hair was caught in a braid at the back, and she still wore blue scrubs. Then she gave him the innocent smile that had fooled him from day one and said, “But I’m glad you did.”
By inches, Joshua eased himself out of the chair, cautioning himself to hold on to his temper, to wait. He didn’t walk toward her, but he asked, “How’s the patient?”
“She had some hemorrhaging, but we shut it down fairly quickly.”
He nodded. “Good.”
Victoria felt an awful silence expand inside the room, and suddenly she realized that the apprehension she’d been experiencing for the past two days was back. And this time it had nothing to do with Amanda. She took a step toward him with her hand outstretched. “Is … is something wrong?”
“You could say that.” Joshua’s voice was steady; his gaze never strayed from hers. “Derrick called. He left a brief message for you.”
Inexplicably, a cold knot settled in her stomach as she said, “He did?”
“He said he’s drummed up interest in your book, and you should call him before you lose your nerve.”
A memory assailed her, and she dropped her hand slowly. She’d played this scene before, at the cabin the day she met him, when he stared at her and waited for an explanation. Only this time there wasn’t even a hint of amusement in Joshua’s blue eyes. They were icy cold and judgmental. He expected—no, believed—the worst of her. He listened to a cryptic message and believed she used his contacts to sell a gimmicky commercial book that exploited him.
Joshua’s unspoken accusation sunk painful claws in her heart that tore at her each time she took a breath. How could he believe for even a second that she would use him like that? She lifted her chin and tilted her head back slightly to discourage tears. If she’d been another woman, she might have tried to hurt him back. But she knew Joshua was already hurting.
He didn’t trust her any more today than he had when he’d found her on his bed. His willingness to believe in her betrayal forced Victoria to face a hard reality. No matter how much she loved him, she couldn’t make him trust her. And until he trusted his heart and her love, they had no future.
By nature, we’re a suspicious lot, he’d told her when describing his roots. She knew only too well that people didn’t change just because you wanted them to change. How many years had she wasted telling herself that Richard would change, that she could make him understand if she tried a little harder? Too many, and never again.
This time she wanted it all or nothing. She wanted something built on faith, rock solid, and damned near indestructible. Because of that, she decided not to explain about the midwifery manual. If she did, she’d be explaining every word, every action for the rest of her life. Instead, as calmly as she could, she asked, “Is that all he said?”
Joshua’s response was scathing. “What more do you need to hear? You got what you wanted. You used me to get it, but I don’t guess that matters to you.”
It mattered more than he could possibly guess, but she could not, would not tell him. He had to find his way through the maze of doubt all alone. It was the only way she could ever be sure that he wouldn’t always be questioning her love. Standing there, silently absorbing the scorn in his expression, took every ounce of willpower she had.
When she didn’t defend herself, Joshua chided her. “Surely you have a explanation?”
“No, I don’t need one. You seem to have everything all figured out. You heard the message.”
“Then it is true.” Until that moment Joshua hadn’t realized how much he was counting on Victoria’s denial, how much he had wanted reasonable explanations or righteous indignation. Anything but the calm with which she faced him. “I trusted you, Victoria.”
“No, you didn’t.” One tear threatened to escape her control, but she covered it by rubbing her face as if she were weary of covering the same ground again and again. “That’s what it all comes down to between us, Joshua.”
“Then tell me I’m wrong. Tell me why!”
“My answer’s not going to change anything.” Both of them stood there, locked in place by their need for absolutes. From that moment there was no going back.
“I guess that’s all the answer I need,” Joshua said bitterly as he walked by her and out the door.
“It’s the answer you deserve,” she said quietly when the door clicked loudly into place.
Every cell in her body screamed at her to go after him and explain before it was too late. But she couldn’t go running after him. If she did, their relationship would never have that granite foundation. No, Joshua would have to find his way back himself. The one thing she knew with complete certainty was that if Joshua came back, it had to be because his belief in her love was stronger than his fear of betrayal.
As the tears finally fell, Victoria whispered, “For once in your life, Joshua, believe in something you can’t touch.”
Despite the late hour, Lara Logan was dressed and waiting for her grandson before he even knocked on her door. She’d known he was coming; she knew her grandson better than anybody on earth knew him, except maybe Victoria. But she didn’t hold out much hope on that front, not after the black dreams she’d had that night. The chance was slipping away; her heart was squeezing her too hard lately. She was tired of hoping; it was time to go home. It was time to say good-bye.
When J.J. knocked, she pulled herself up out of the rocker and went to the door. They never wasted many words between them. Talk didn’t seemed particularly useful. Lara didn’t bother to ask him in or to sit down. He’d do those things in his own good time just as he would tell her what brought him out in the dead of night. J.J. was in a mood to pace, so she got out of his way, settled herself on the couch, and waited until he’d worked himself up to the sticking point.
Surprising her, he paced only a moment before he told her, “Victoria used her relationship with me to finagle a book deal about her experiences as a midwife.”
“Clever girl.”
“Very smart, our Victoria,” Joshua agreed. “The gimmick she used is her unique personal insight into me and maybe you as her medicine woman sidekick.” He sighed heavily with regret. The sound was laced with pain. “I’ve made a mistake, Gran.”
“I imagine you have,” Lara told him softly, knowing full well what his mistake was even if he didn’t. “Can you make it right?”
He laughed, intimating that the task was impossible. “I don’t think so. I can’t call back time.”
“And if you could?”
For a moment he stopped pacing and faced her. “I wouldn’t have trusted Victoria Bennett. I wouldn’t fall in love with her.”
“And what would that change? You’d still be alone.”
“I’d be whole,” he answered, and picked up a photo from the credenza, running his thumb along the frame before putting it down. “God knows, I’m tired of losing pieces of myself.”
“Then maybe it’s time you stopped holding back and gave everything you are to someone who will cherish the gift.”
That advice brought Joshua up short. He would have argued with her, except for the feelings that swamped him as he rested a hand against the back of her empty rocker. His talent flared to life, and in the split second before he pulled his hand away, an overwhelming impression of a dying woman invaded his consciousness. An impression of a woman whose will to live was the only thing that kept her strong, and now her will was slipping away, fading into nothing.
The sensation was so po
werful, he closed his eyes against the wave of emotion that hit him. Sorrow sliced through his soul, leaving a chill in its wake. When he had control of himself again, he put the image together with the knowledge that the rocker belonged to his grandmother. Gran lifted one eyebrow slightly when he opened his eyes and focused on her. The sense of loss he experienced was profound, and his mind refused to accept what his touch had revealed.
“Why?” he asked.
“There it is again. You deny your talent, but you never have been able to make it go away. Have you, J.J.?”
He ignored the question as he put both hands on the back of the rocker, knowing what he’d feel, but he didn’t pull away this time. He had to know that he hadn’t misread the touch. Finally, he snatched his hands back. His grandmother was dying, and she wasn’t doing a damn thing to hold on. This time he almost shouted the word. “Why?”
“No one lives forever.” She was almost matter-of-fact about her answer, as if he had asked what time it was.
“But why now?” Joshua couldn’t even begin to imagine a world without her sly smile and sharp mind. “Why give up?”
“Because I’ve run out of time, J.J. I’ve spent twenty years waiting for you to make peace with yourself. We have a gift, you and I. A gift that came from my mother, who got it from her father. It’s a gift you never wanted, and I’m sorry for that.”
Lara paused a moment before adding, “The mountain taught us that one season feeds the next. What came before has meaning because of what comes after. I would like to have seen the talent pass on. Victoria’s a fine woman. I’m sorry for that too.”
Stunned, Joshua began to pace again, trying to make some sense of what she told him. “You’re ready to let your life slip away because I’ve ended my relationship with a woman? Which means you can’t pass on this curse of ours?”
“No, that’s too simple. What I’m telling you … well, it’s not blackmail,” Lara told him softly, and held out her hand for her grandson to join her on the sofa. When he did and she held both his big hands in her frail, arthritic ones, she said as gently as she could, “I’m old. I’m tired. I can’t wait forever. I thought you of all people would understand how the past creates the future. I want to do more than see the future, Joshua John. I want to touch my future, your children. But you’re so worried about the present, you refuse the future.”
“That’s not—”
“Hush. For once I have the tell of this, and you’re going to listen. You can’t shut out the world just because it isn’t perfect. You always hated knowing people’s flaws. You didn’t want to see them. Maybe that’s why you’ve lived in the past all these years with your artifacts and your bits of broken pottery. Because you can know their secrets and never have to face those people, or forgive them, or accept them.”
She let go of his hands and folded hers in her lap. “You think about that when you’re alone. The rest of your life is a long time to be alone, Joshua John.”
For the first time, Joshua considered his psychic abilities for what they were—a thread from the past, part of a legacy that had been woven before he was born and bound him to the future. He rested his shoulders against the couch and let his head fall back. He was trying to run away from his heritage. That’s what Gran thought, and maybe she was right.
“If you hold on to fear,” Lara warned him, “you can’t hold on to what you love with both hands. And, believe me, it takes both hands to hold on to forever.”
Closing his eyes, Joshua said, “That’s a lot to ask. If I let go of caution, I could fall.”
“Or you could catch the future.”
The possibility hung in the air between them. As Joshua accepted that she was right, he knew he had to reach out. He had to make one connection, one bond that could never be broken. He had to believe in someone. Love someone unconditionally. Trust someone. Like Victoria had. The enormity of what he’d said to her closed in on him and he shook his head. “I’ve made a mistake, Gran.”
“I imagine you have, but can you put it right?”
“I don’t know, Gran. I don’t know.”
Joshua slowed the motorcycle and looked down into the hollow. Light shone through the cabin windows, and Victoria’s truck was parked in front. Midnight had come and gone, but she was still awake. Abruptly, he turned the bike onto the driveway. Waiting until tomorrow would only give the hurt more time to fester. If he had any chance of proving to Victoria that his love was unconditional, he had to do it now, before any more time passed.
When he killed the engine, the door opened and Victoria was silhouetted in the opening. He waited for her to tell him to leave, but she didn’t. She stood quietly, wrapped in an afghan instead of a robe and wearing that mantle of calm he remembered from their first meeting. The opening move was his, and he didn’t think he’d get a second chance.
He climbed off the bike and approached the porch, stopping at the base of the steps. A dozen apologies came to mind, and none were worth the breath it would take to say them. None of them said what needed to be said. So, when he looked at her, he said what was in his heart instead and trusted her to understand him.
“Blind faith is what you’re asking of me, Vicky. Blind faith. And it scares the hell out of me.”
Victoria closed her eyes briefly and drew the first steady breath she’d taken in hours. The vise around her heart eased its grip as Joshua put his foot on the first stair and climbed one step closer. Silently, she willed him on and warned herself that he hadn’t come all the way. Yet.
“I’ve spent my life knowing what was in other people’s hearts. But not yours.” Joshua stabbed his fingers through his hair. Emotion was raw in his voice. “I fell in love with you, but I don’t know what’s in your heart, Victoria. I can’t see inside; I can’t touch your feelings. So what you’re asking of me, I’ve never had to give. I’m never going to stop wanting to touch the part of you that is hidden from me, but I can accept the fact I may never be able to.”
He climbed another step, and Victoria fell in love with him all over again because he didn’t ask her to open her emotions and prove herself to him. He wasn’t trying to test her. She could see the tension that tightened his muscles as he came closer to the point of no return, but he didn’t falter. The inner strength she knew was there held him up and pushed him forward.
“Vicky, until half an hour ago I didn’t think I could trust someone without reservation, but I found out something tonight. Gran helped me see this part. The only thing that scares me more than blindly trusting anyone is the thought of losing you and our future.” As he stepped up onto the porch, he said, “I don’t care if you write a million books about me, because none of them could ever hurt me. Not if you wrote them. I know you’d never hurt me. It may be a little late to say I trust you, but I do.”
“It’s not too late,” she told him. Victoria could scarcely breathe by the time he stopped a few inches from her. She could see the truth of everything he’d said written on his face. He meant every word. When she started to speak again, he laid a finger against her lips.
“No explanations. I don’t want to know. Not tonight anyway.” He moved his finger away from her lips and down her neck. His blue eyes were dark and full of need. “All I want to do is hold you. Know that you’re real. Know that I haven’t lost you.”
Without a word Victoria dropped the afghan as she went into his arms, letting the warmth of his body chase away the chill that had shivered up her spine when he confessed he needed her. She finally let go of the ache that had replaced her heartbeat since he walked away from her in the hospital and dropped the last of her defenses. “I’m real, and I’m right where you left me.”
“I’m glad,” Joshua whispered into her hair as unfamiliar emotions flooded through him—Victoria’s emotions. The torrent was a jumble of love and hope and faith. It was the one connection he’d been looking for his entire life. All the dark places inside him were gone, blown away by Victoria’s love and belief in him. He was almost shakin
g at the thought of coming so close to losing her forever. Finally the feelings settled into a warmth that suffused his soul and made him whole.
“I’m glad you’re right where I left you,” he repeated almost fiercely. “Because I’m not letting go again. I want all of it, Victoria. Marriage and kids and puppies.”
Victoria’s heart jumped into her throat, but she didn’t lift her head. She tried to make her tone light as she said, “You can’t be serious. All those echoes bouncing off your walls? All that clutter messing up your pretty house?”
“I don’t give a damn if you trash the place as long as you say yes,” he said in a voice that warned her he was serious.
Looking up, she searched his face, trying to convince herself that she was actually going to get everything she wanted. “Have you forgotten what I said about midwifery being the acid test of a relationship?”
“Love, we’ve just passed the acid test of our relationship. So …” he murmured as he brushed his lips against hers. “Will you marry me or not?” He tilted her head up and kissed her, finding his answer in the sweetness of her kiss and the movement of her body against his. He let go of the past and held on to forever with both hands.
TWELVE
Settled in her rocking chair, Lara Logan waited on her porch, noticing that the mist was strong for a late summer morning. Beyond that brief observation, she paid no attention to the tendrils of vapor that clung to the hollows of the mountain, playing a peculiar game of hide-and-seek with the sun. Instead, her attention was focused on a sight she never thought she’d live to see.
Her great-granddaughter.
J.J. carried her naturally, without apprehension, and Victoria walked beside him. The look of contentment on his face was nothing compared to the contentment Lara could feel in his soul as he approached her rocking chair. When he put the baby in her arms, Lara soothed the child’s cry at being disturbed. Tiny fingers grazed her cheek, and from the first touch Lara knew. She smiled. The wheel of life had turned again.