It's Just Lola

by Dixiane Hallaj

  She drew a small train and designed a way to make the cars hook together. Working after the children were asleep, Sam cut the wood and they assembled the pieces. Lola made a new dress for Charlotte, patterned after the latest flapper designs. Christmas was special that year because they were together.

  In late January Lola discovered she was pregnant. Why now? Why did it have to happen when her pay was the only money coming into the house? Her job depended on her looking stylish so the customers would trust her judgment. Pregnant did not fit the image of stylish. What would they do?

  She considered going to one of those women the gypsies had told her about many years ago—women who would remove the child before it began to flutter or kick. She thought about it for days, waking in the middle of the night to wrestle with her conscience. She knew she had to make up her mind quickly. Late one night she decided. Silent tears flowed from her eyes as she decided to sacrifice the unborn child so those already born could eat. She rose the next morning determined to take the afternoon off and go to the gypsies, but somehow the day passed and she had not summoned the courage to go ahead with her decision. She retired early, pleading headache, only to lie awake and stare at the ceiling, listening as the house settled down for the night.

  At last Sam came to bed. She closed her eyes feigning sleep until Sam’s breathing became slow and even. Lola watched his face, serene and trusting. She loved him for his deep belief in peace and non-violence. She was sure he’d think her a monster if he had any inkling of what she was about to do. That realization brought her a wave of pain so piercing that she started sobbing, trying desperately not to make any noise.

  Sam turned over in bed and pulled her close. “I love you so much,” he whispered. “I promise I’ll find some way to provide for you. It’s not right that you work so hard.” He brought his hand up to stroke her cheek and felt her tears. “Don’t cry, Lola. God will help us, have faith. You rescued me from a lonely life and I’ll be grateful for all eternity. Things’ll work out for us—I just know it.”

  Lola caught her breath. He’d never talked about God or faith before. It must be a sign that she made the wrong decision. Sam had been depressed by his lack of success in finding a job, but tonight he seemed confident. She held him close and was comforted.

  The next day Sam was waiting at the door when Lola came home from work. He waved an envelope as she came up the walk.

  “You got a letter from Ecuador,” he said. Lola’s heart leaped. Could it have been that easy? Had Juana persuaded him? She opened the envelope with shaking fingers. Some bills fell into her hand as she unfolded the paper. It took only a moment to read the short note.

  Dear Lola,

  Your stocks are going through the roof! Juana said you need some money. This is the dividend money that came in while we were away.

  Your brother,

  Charlie

  The flare of hope faded into bleak despair. She didn’t even have the energy to be angry.

  “What’s wrong?” Sam asked.

  “My stocks are going through the roof,” she quoted tonelessly. She held out the bills.

  “Five hundred dollars? A man works months for that. It’s almost spring, and I can plant again. We ate well from my garden, even though I planted at the end of the season. I’m bound to have a job before that. Lola, this is practically a king’s ransom. You are wonderfully thrifty. With your salary we can make this money last forever.”

  “And without my salary?” Lola whispered.

  “Why do you say that?” Sam sat down and took her hands in his. “You love your work, and you’re really good at what you do. What happened? Why would she want to fire you? Did you do something?” His eyes were full of concern.

  “No. I didn’t do something—we did something.”

  “I don’t understand.”

  Lola looked into Sam’s gentle face and guileless brown eyes. “Oh, Sam, I’m so sorry. This isn’t the way you’re supposed to find out about this. It should be a joyful thing, not something to give you more worries.” Tears filled her eyes.

  “What?”

  She took one of his hands and placed it over her womb. “We’re going to have a baby.”

  “A baby? That is the most wonderful thing in the entire universe. Oh, God, how could life be any more wonderful than that?” He grabbed her hands and danced a wild polka around the room until she was laughing harder than he was.

  Nellie and Harry came running to see what was happening.

  “You’re going to have a new brother or sister.” Sam was exuberant.

  “Can I play with him?” asked Harry.

  “Can I help take care of him?” asked Nellie.

  “Will he wet himself like my friend Tom’s baby sister?” asked Harry.

  “Will he cry a lot at night?” asked Nellie.

  “Yes, yes, yes, and yes,” said Sam happily as he led Lola to a chair.

  “Will I have to share my train?” asked Harry.

  “Not for a long, long time, and if you don’t want to share it when he wants it—we’ll make him one of his own so you won’t have to share it at all.” Satisfied, Harry went back to the other room to play.

  Sam stared after Harry with a strange expression on his face. He turned to Lola and grabbed her shoulders.

  “I’m good with engines, right?”

  “You’re a positive genius with engines,” said Lola with a smile.

  “It was here all along, right under our noses and we missed it.”

  “What?”

  “Cars aren’t the only things with engines—trains have engines.”

  The next day Sam came home smiling. “You’re looking at the newest employee of the Union Pacific Railroad.”

  That night, as they lay side by side in the dark, Lola asked Sam why he suddenly started talking about God and faith. Had something happened to make him do that?

  “Do you know that I love you?” he asked.

  “Of course.”

  “Even if I didn’t tell you so, would you know it?”

  “Yes.”

  “Would you think I loved you more if I said ‘I love you’ a hundred times a day?”

  “It might be a little annoying,” said Lola with a laugh.

  “Love is something you hold in your heart. It isn’t something you have to talk about all the time. Faith is the same. Faith is love.”

  “So why did you start talking about it?”

  “Because my heart told me you needed it.”

  That summer Lola found that she not only liked gardening, but she was good at it. She learned to can vegetables so they would last through the winter. At the end of August Lola went into labor. The midwife came and almost immediately told Sam to take her to the hospital. It was a wild ride until they were pulled over by the police. Then it was fast but not as wild with the policeman escorting them to the emergency entrance of the hospital. Lola’s terror was greater than her pain. She knew she might bleed to death before the doctors could stop her hemorrhaging—and the baby could die as well. At least the other children had someone to watch out for them now. She had a final glimpse of Sam’s worried face as the orderlies rushed her stretcher into an operating room.

  ~ ~ ~

  Lola heard distant voices. She forced her eyes to open. A weak smile touched her lips as she saw Sam’s face with a dark stubble of beard. “The baby.” Her effort to talk came out as a bare whisper.

  Sam grinned. “A healthy boy.” Lola smiled.

  “I’m glad to see you awake.” Lola tore her eyes away from Sam’s face to see the person who spoke. It was the doctor. It was hard for her to concentrate on his words, but the general meaning was clear. She would live through this, but would probably never carry another child.

  She smiled as she heard Sam’s answer. “As long as my wife’s all right, I’m happy.”

  A month after she came home with Donald, she invited Juana and Charlotte over to celebrate the new arrival. After dinner Juana insisted that she and Charlott
e could clean up. Lola sat with them in the kitchen.

  When the dishes were done, Juana handed Charlotte a towel to dry her hands. “Why don’t you go out and help Sam with the young ones? Your mother and I need to talk.” Charlotte left and Juana put a kettle of water on the stove before she sat at the kitchen table with Lola. “I’m going back to Peru. I’d like to take Charlotte with me. I’ve grown very fond of her.”

  “Before you make that decision, Juana, you need to know that I have a lawyer working on getting my stocks away from Charlie. It could involve a lawsuit, maybe a public hearing—whatever it takes. I don’t want Charlotte caught up in any unpleasantness.”

  “He said he sent you money.”

  Lola’s voice quivered as she fought to stay calm. “He sent a few hundred dollars. After begging him for years to either sell or return the stocks, he sent a few hundred dollars.” Lola clenched her hands around her teacup. “You’ve never been poor. You can’t imagine how hard it is to hold two jobs, wake up after a few hours sleep and walk an hour to work just to save the bus fare.” She took a swallow of tea. “You’ve never been poor, but you are a mother. Can’t you imagine how hard it is to give your children up to the nuns?” She leaned forward and looked directly into Juana’s eyes. “It was Charlie’s greed that made me give up my children. I will not suffer because of him again.”

  “Why didn’t you tell me?”

  “I tried but you told me you didn’t want to be involved. You said stocks were men’s work and told me not to mention it again.”

  Juana sipped her tea in silence for several minutes. Lola gave her time to think. Lola still had hope that Juana would let Charlie know how serious this was so they could avoid the lawsuit.

  “Does this mean you won’t let Charlotte come with me?”

  “Didn’t you hear me say that I am going to sue your husband?”

  Juana waved the words away. “That’s business. I don’t understand what stocks really are. All I know is that Charlie says they’re making us more money than the silver mines.”

  “Does she want to go?”

  “I didn’t ask her. You’re her mother, I just asked you.”

  Lola wanted more than anything to say no. “Charlotte’s older than I was when I left home. She’s old enough to make up her own mind. I love her very much, but if she wants to go, I won’t stand in her way. But if she doesn’t want to go, I hope you won’t try to pressure her.”

  “If you think she’s old enough to make the decision, I’ll accept her decision. Let’s call her in and talk to her.”

  Charlotte was beside herself with excitement when she learned that Juana wanted to take her to South America. “Can I visit the plantation where you and Mama grew up? And see the silver mine in Ecuador? Will I get to ride a horse?” There was no doubt what would happen. Lola poured another cup of tea to hide the tears that filled her eyes as Juana answered Charlotte’s questions.

  “How long will we stay? Will we be gone all summer?”

  Juana gently stopped the flood of questions. “Charlotte, we’re going home. That’s where we’ll live.”

  “You mean forever?”

  “Probably.”

  “Oh, Auntie, I couldn’t possibly go forever. I couldn’t leave my mother forever. And I’m in high school, and then there’ll be college. I’m sorry, I couldn’t go forever.”

  Lola thought she’d never been happier. When the stock market crashed a month later, she barely noticed, until she got the letter from the lawyer advising her to drop the action against Charlie in view of the current value of her stocks.

  Lola had a moment of sadness, mourning the loss of what might have been. Then her thoughts turned to Juana. Juana had never lived poor. Lola hoped she could cope.

  “How’s my beautiful wife?” asked Sam as he came through the front door.

  “I’m just fine,” said Lola. “Now that you’re home, I’m better than fine.” She threw her arms around his neck and pulled his face down for a heartfelt kiss. “Did I ever tell you that I’d rather have you than all the money in the world?”

  XXI. Epilogue

  Lola finally achieved a life of peace and security with Sam. The remainder of her long life was happily unremarkable. She was beset by the normal heartaches of mothers everywhere. She suffered with her girls as their early attempts at marriage were less than successful. She suffered the tortures of mothers everywhere whose sons are exposed to the horrors of war—Herman served in World War II, and Donald served in Korea. Thankfully, both boys returned intact. In short, her major joys and sorrows became those of every mother pleased with the thrills of her offspring and grieved by their sorrows. Through it all she was supported by Sam and his constant love. This life-long Quaker even tried to please his wife with his final breaths by asking a Catholic priest for last rites.

  All of Lola’s children embodied her ideals that family is the highest priority. She gave them a good moral foundation and a work ethic that saw them all achieve lives of solid comfort, despite a somewhat rocky start.

  ~ ~ ~

  By the time I met Lola, she had outgrown her youthful beauty, but she still had her sweet nature and boundless love. Sam, who was the only grandfather I ever knew, wore bright red suspenders and had a scratchy face. He still worked for the Union Pacific Railroad and only shaved on Sundays. I remember Grandmother’s room smelled of roses and talcum powder, and Grandfather’s room smelled of cigars. I never thought of my Grandmother as someone who had once been young and beautiful.

  It was only when I was sitting by my 95-year-old mother’s hospital bed that the tale began to unfold. I pieced together the stories I remembered from my grandmother and my aunts with my mother’s narrative during the three-day talk in the hospital. There were many blank spaces, and no one who could fill them for me. Those blanks were filled with fiction.

  Today I see the sunlight glint off the small sapphire ring I have put on for the occasion, and I am filled with awe and wonder as I look back on Lola’s amazing life.