The Only Choice (The Choices Trilogy #3)

by Palmer, Dee

  “I needed you to trust me. I told you I needed you to stop Bethany and you did it anyway. So I hope it was worth it.” He spins and steps away raking his hands through his hair. His agitation and the expression of resignation in his face is like a slap to mine, utter panic engulfs me.

  “No Daniel, no no . . . but I got the proof Daniel. I didn’t do it for me and it’s worth it if it means you don’t have to carry all that fucking guilt and pay for a debt that wasn’t yours to pay.” My voice breaks into a sob but his eyes are cold, unmoved by my distress.

  “Don’t you fucking dare tell me this is for my benefit. You did this for you, so you could have your future all neat and tidy. Perfect and happy and fuck anyone else and their suffering.” He paces the room before turning, his expression is a picture of barely contained fury. “Proof you say?” His condescending tone holds so much disgust I want to howl. “So, am I to believe what you and your friend heard during a scene with Mistress Selene? It’s laughable Bethany. It’s just your word against his.” His blatant contempt is like full body punch and I feel the oxygen leave my body in a painful rush. I can’t believe he thinks that but it’s not just my word.

  “Oh I know that and I know exactly what my word means to you but I have other proof, I have a recording. So it’s not just my word.” I try to sound assertive and indignant as I dangle from the wire. I can’t argue whose suffering he is talking about, I can’t argue his beliefs they are so ingrained because he’s so fucking stubborn but if he can just hear the truth . . . Whether he forgives me after that or what he chooses to do then, is out of my hands.

  “Oh really?” He steps forward his face so close I can feel his lips and I struggle not to lean into them. I can’t give him any more of me. I drop my eyes to my cleavage indicating where he needs to look and he fails to hide his smile at the prospect of delving in there. “This is the only upside to this.” His fingers easily slip between my breasts, the dress doesn’t breathe and I appear to glow like a pig in rubber. He pinches the device between his fingers and pulls it free but I can see as he holds it before me that the device is wet. Dripping in fact and my heart sinks that I didn’t think to check if it would work in wet conditions. I mean why would I? It’s not like I anticipated having to do this underwater. He shakes the excess water off and rubs it dry against his trousers, pulls my dress back down to cover my bottom and then leaves the room.

  He returns only moments later with a laptop and Jason. Our eyes meet briefly but mine must reflect the horror I feel. I shake my head so slightly but enough, hoping to indicate that I haven’t said anything about him to Daniel. Daniel fiddles with the computer and plugs the device in, a few clicks and I can hear the recording. I breathe a sigh of relief, it worked. A few minutes pass but all I can hear is muffled sounds, very muffled sounds. I can’t make out a single word. My head drops and I feel the tingle in my nose first then the prickle of water in my eyes. All for nothing, the device had been so embedded, insulated in between my breasts, tight in the dress that nothing got through. He snaps the laptop shut and walks slowly back to me. He prises my fisted hand open, places the device in it and slowly curls my fingers back around it.

  “I know you must be disappointed but really people say all sorts of shit when they are being whipped and tortured.” He words are soft, comforting but deeply sarcastic. His eyes hold none of their fire and all of his pain. I know I have lost him and I am instantly chilled to my soul.

  “I always told the truth.” I manage to breathe out.

  His hand strokes my jaw and he tilts my face to meet his eyes, mine are now streaming but he is unaffected. “Yes you did.” He hums, “in fact, I am counting on it.” He steps away from me and walks to one wall that holds racks of whips and floggers. He picks up a stubby short crop with a flat end, he slaps it menacingly against his palm and I jump at the sharp sound. “I thought I made myself clear. I thought you understood the consequences Bethany but I know now that is not the case. An error I will rectify immediately . . . So there is no misunderstanding about our future . . . to be crystal clear Bethany . . . we have no future.” His enunciation of each word like a blunt nail in my broken heart. “I brought Jason here, just so you know what that means, exactly. Sharing, is no longer a problem.” He waves his whip toward Jason and he swirls it round as he attempts to list everything I’ve lost. “Total Communication Shutdown but this time there will be no breaches. I will block your calls, you won’t be able to contact me, ever.” He spits these words like bullets before drawing another breath to continue his devastating withdrawal from my life. “Patrick will cease to give you protection, no more proposals. I won’t pursue you. I am done.” He taps his fingers pensively on his jaw. “I know there’s more but to quote you baby,” he pauses. “‘No-more.’” He draws the whip under my chin, my cheeks are streaming and I am struggling to gasp for breath. My arms are screaming in agony and its nothing compared to the pain in my heart. “But I do want to know who sponsored you, so for old times’ sake let’s play the truth game, one . . . last . . . time.” He spins me so my arms are twisted and I am barely touching the floor. I face Jason but his eyes are downcast. I hear the swish and feel the strike at same time, hard on my rubber clad backside.

  The noise echoes and the sting feels like a knife has sliced at my flesh, instant furious heat and a pain so sharp I cry out. Again and again and I draw in ragged breaths letting the fire and agony consume me because it will always be a fraction of the pain inside my chest. “Just a name Bethany and I’ll stop and you’ll never see me again.” His cruel words just make me want to hold on as long as I’m conscious. I don’t want to never see him again. He draws back striking the tops of my thighs and I cry out, screaming, that is so sensitive there, Christ! That hurts. I look ahead with watery eyes. I can’t focus on Jason but I know he is there, my head feels heavy and I drop it as I take more strikes to my backside. I can no longer feel the individual strikes I just feel like my body is encased in flames. I lose track of each blow, I lose track of time, there is just endless enduring pain. His hands cup my head, pulls me close to his face and my heart breaks completely at the utter desolation and sadness in his eyes and I can’t bear a moment more pain in our hearts. I whisper my safe-word, dragged from my memory, “blue.” My voice is raspy but by the narrowing of his eyes I know he hears me.

  “Ha! Nice try Bethany but you don’t get to safe word me. I want a fucking answer. Who sponsored you?” His voice is raw, angry, and so cold but honestly, I don’t even think he does want an answer. He just needs to punish me for this pain I’ve caused. That’s why I need it to stop, I can’t stand his pain. Strike, strike, strike. . . . then stop. There is a scuffle of shoes and some grunts and harsh breaths.

  “For fuck sake Daniel! She safe word, back the fuck up man! It was me, I sponsored her because for some fucking reason I thought you would rather I did it, instead of some arsehole stranger but looking at you now, I’m not so sure.” Jason is panting as he struggles to hold Daniel back.

  Daniel shrugs his hold and steps to me, cupping my face his tender hold finishes me off and I sink limp and sobbing uncontrollably. “Baby, I loved you so much, I loved you so fucking much.” His voice is barely a whisper, his words pure agony. “I know I never deserved someone like you, never deserved to just be happy but I didn’t think I deserved this either. You broke my fucking heart Bethany.” His forehead touches mine and I hear the break in his voice, his eyes are a bottomless pit of sorrow mirrored only but the depths of loss I feel in me. “How could you do this to us?” This is a messed up fucking tragedy. “You should’ve trusted me.” His last whispered words feather the damp skin on my cheeks.

  “And you should’ve trusted me.” I mouth back but my mouth is too dry to speak. He lets my head fall and walks away nothing but raw pain and betrayal in his eyes.”Wait!” My cry is broken with an uncontrollable sob. “Daniel . . . wait! Angel . . . she warned me to stay away. She said you love her but don’t know it yet and I just need to stay away.” Ea
ch word is laboured with deep steadying breaths. “She told me to stay away Daniel . . . why would she do that if she didn’t want you for herself?” He steps back into the room, closing the distance but not entering my personal space.

  “She told me Bethany . . . she told me she warned you to stay away . . . and then she apologised to me for interfering. She was just being a friend to me . . . She couldn’t stand to see me in pain . . . Whats your excuse Bethany?” He leaves his accusation hanging like a noose before he silently turns and leaves the room.

  The wire is loosened and I collapse into myself. Jason is at my side unclipping my restraints. He gently rubs my wrists which are raw and numb. “Why didn’t you just tell him?” He helps me to my feet and I use his arm for much needed support, wincing with the smallest movement.

  “I didn’t want him to leave.” The tears are still falling but the sobs have subsided as the familiar numbness begins to creep back in. Jason looks confused. “He said if I told him he would leave and I’d never see him again.”

  Jason snorts at this. “Twisted logic, well I hope it was worth it.”

  I open my palm at the useless device; Jason takes it and puts it in his back pocket. “I doubt even if that had worked it would’ve made a difference but I had to try. She’s lying and I wanted him to know the truth, even if that cost.” I draw in a very shaky breath but manage not to sob before I continue. “I know I’ve lost him but he doesn’t deserve to live the life she has planned out of guilt. He has nothing to feel guilty about.” I flinch as he places his jacket on my shoulders and the edge skims my thighs.

  “He does now.” Jason opens the door and I tentatively follow him through.

  Jason drives me home and I silently welcome the creeping numbness that moves through my body like a lethal dose of anaesthetic. I wish the last few months had never happened. That I could erase the healing and go back to enduring the crippling pain of Daniel walking away the first time because I have that now but I also have the image of his beautiful face contorted with utter sadness and betrayal, etched in my mind. His suffering is unbearable. I try to justify that I had no choice, desperate to cling to the notion that I did the only thing I could to save us. But the fact is, he had made his choice and I just couldn’t accept it and the only person I have helped, the only person that comes out of this unscathed and happy is Angel. When his sadness dissolves, when the betrayal fades the only thing left will be hatred and I can’t bare it. I shiver as the rivulets of sweat trapped in my dress cool my body; in my peripheral consciousness I am aware that Jason has turned the heat up in the car but the chill I feel is in my bones and a thousand suns won’t warm me. The engine sinks to a quiet hum and I recognise the steps leading to my apartment. I go to open the door but Jason’s quiet voice stops me.

  “I’m sorry Bethany.” His deep voice sounds strange and I look to see intense concern in his eyes.

  “You have nothing to be sorry about Jason, I’m grateful for your help—” He is quick to interrupt.

  “He wouldn’t have been there if it wasn’t for me.”

  “You told him?” The shock clear in the volume of my voice.

  “Fuck no . . . No he called and asked where I was . . . I swear I had no idea he would want to meet me there. I was stuck, I couldn’t meet him anywhere else because you would’ve been left there alone . . . I didn’t have a choice Bethany but I’m really sorry it played out the way it did.” His face is filled with a dark shadow of concern.

  “Me too.” I feel unbelievably sorry for myself but I feel just as bad for putting him in this situation. “Jason I am . . .” I swallow a sudden unexpected sob back. “I am so sorry if I’ve got you in to trouble. I wouldn’t have told him you know?” My voice is shaky but sincere.

  “That’s what I was afraid of.” He tries to laugh but his face shows no relief at the attempt. “Look I’m a big boy I can handle Daniel, besides I’m fucking good at what I do and he’s a business man. I’ll be fine.” His hand hovers somewhere near my knee but seeing the exposed skin he opts to hold my hand, squeezing and pulling it into his other hand. “Are you going to be all right?” I look at our hands clasped together on his lap and I know there is comfort there but I can’t feel it and several long moments pass when I pull away realising the absolute heart rending truth in my answer.

  “No.” He lets my hands go and I open the door and walk up my steps. I don’t look back.

  I AM GRATEFUL for one thing and that is that Sofia’s wedding is on Saturday and as such everyone close and dear to me is so consumed with that day that my drama and despair is going unnoticed. Partly because of the day itself and partly because I have drawn on all my acting skills to push aside my devastation for a few more days. I can cry myself to sleep but I don’t sleep and I can put drops in my eyes to hide the bursting red capillaries and I can pretend to eat and toast at the pre wedding lunches and other gatherings. At the spa treat for Sofia and I the day before the big day I can focus every bit of attention rightly on the bride-to-be with enough genuine enthusiasm and a fake smile that would shame a pageant pro. I can do all this because it needs to be done. I love Sofia and her family and my shit is my shit; a few more days and I can go away and sort it all out. With a little time and a little distance I can think about my future, our future, a future without Daniel. I know in my heart he will never forgive me and I have to live with that and as much as each night I want to curl up and die to ease this pain, I don’t.

  Sofia’s last night as a single women and we are staying at her parents. Marco has managed to get a date after all, a close friend of Rose who is willing to play the date game or more likely act as chaperone. They are staying at our place because of the early start. We have just had a Chinese take away and are about to settle for a cheesy film, maybe a musical we’re not sure and Sofia is flicking through the library of DVDs. My mobile rings and seeing its Ethan’s number I leave the room and head toward the kitchen.

  “Hey Ethan, you get your suit OK?” I fiddle around the kitchen tidying and picking at the food I wasn’t able to eat earlier.

  “Oh yeah about that . . .” He starts to mumble an apology but it doesn’t matter, pretty much nothing does at this point. “You know that girl I’ve been seeing well, I’ve kind of made a commitment to her and it would feel wrong, you know?” He pauses waiting for my reaction. We haven’t talked in a while but I do recall Tom, at our last get together, mention something about Ethan meeting someone. Then again, this is Ethan and I really didn’t pay it too much attention but this has been a few weeks now.

  “It’s fine Ethan, really not a problem. Marco has a date so the big panic is over.” I try to laugh it off but that type of sound feels unwelcome in my mouth.

  “But you can ask Daniel right, you guys are back together?” I can hear he feels bad for letting me down and is trying to make sure I am really Ok but this hasn’t helped. I try to swallow now my mouth is suddenly dry. I haven’t told anyone that the almost reunion is back to a non-reunion, permanently this time.

  “Oh sure but I know he’s busy. Look its fine really, thanks for offering in the first place.” I try to divert the conversation. “So getting serious, that’s good right?” My tone is teasing and I am surprised by his sincere response.

  “Yeah it’s good, really good. It’s strange, I mean she’s a whole heap of crazy but there’s something about her. She tries to be this super tough bitch and even down-right nasty but we talked one night for hours and she’s not so tough. She’s just had to be tough.” He lets out a contented sigh and I smile because I can hear it in his voice. He is really taken with her. “Anyway, I really like her so . . .” He pauses for a few more seconds when I click and interrupt.

  “So you won’t be travelling with me either?” I conclude.

  “Ah sorry Bets, but I just don’t want to leave right now. She’s got this job that’s going to keep her here for several months and I’d like to use that time, you know . . . Anyway we thought we’d go travelling after. She’ll get pa
id for this job and then we can see a bit of the world together. I really like her Bets.” His usual cocky tone is somewhat sheepish.

  “I’m happy for you Ethan.” My voice is soft but I hope he can hear how genuine my sentiments are; even if happiness isn’t in my repertoire at the moment.

  “Are you still going to go travelling? I hate you to cancel because of me but then I’d hate for you to go on your own.” He hesitates.

  “No I’ll still go and don’t worry I’m a big girl. Had self-defence training from the best and everything. I’ll be fine. I’ll probably tag along with Marco anyway.” I added the last bit to ease his mind but I am more inclined than ever to do this on my own.

  “Oh that’s good, really good. I think Dad would kill me if he knew I’d bailed and left you to travel alone.” He laughs and now I feel guilty that I’m lying, well maybe I’m not lying. I might still go with Marco, at this exact moment I haven’t decided. So not technically lying and so no guilt. We finish the call arranging to meet sometime before I leave. A tentative lunch with his new lady where he plans to go over my travel itinerary, adding it’s the least he could do and I have to let him because it appears to ease his conscience.

  Exhausted by the weight of recent and future events I just want to curl up and hibernate, which I must admit, is an improvement. Instead however, I take my warm milk from the microwave and curl up next to my best friend on her parents sofa. Together we are wrapped in the softest blanket and settled down to watch the ‘not at all cheesy but tragically romantic,’ Moulin Rouge.

  “You’re gonna Marry Me!” His eyebrows are pinched together and he looks angry almost mean. I slap him hard on his shoulder and he steps back rubbing the hurt and mouthing an over dramatic ‘Ow’ following by his cheeky grin. It’s one of my favourite dreams and it couldn’t be more timely to have it the night before Sofia’s wedding. Immediately after his statement of fact John had effortlessly scrambled up the twisted branches of the Damson tree in the churchyard and was shaking the smaller branches. It was late summer and we were both starting new schools in September. I was heading off to the girls Grammar and he was heading to the mixed Comprehensive school. I didn’t want to go, I wanted to go to his school. My mum wouldn’t let me but it was John that convinced me to go to the Grammar in the end. He got angry that I could be so stupid and then he got sad that I would waste this chance and I hated it when he was sad. He shouts down again. “I said I’m gonna marry you!” I look up in to his soft brown eyes, his dark hair flopping, way too long for school but perfect for the summer. His cheeks are dirty from the climb and his grin reveals his bright white teeth but the falling fruit has me shielding my head for cover.