Fine Things

by Danielle Steel

  “No, I don't!” he shouted and then walked into the kitchen looking tense. “She doesn't know what she's talking about.”

  “What's wrong?” Jane was confused but she knew him well.

  “Nothing.”

  “Yes, there is. Don't you feel well, Daddy?” He turned to face her and she saw that his eyes were brimming with tears and she ran to him and threw her arms around him, frightened.

  “I'm sorry, baby. I just missed you so much I went crazy.” He wasn't sure if he was apologizing to her or to Liz, but once the children were in bed, he called Megan anyway, and his desire for her was so overpowering that he wanted to be with her as soon as he could. He felt as though he were going crazy without her.

  “Are you okay, sweetheart?” She had heard something strange in his voice and she thought she understood it. She knew that going back to the house he had shared with Liz would be painful. Especially now. Especially the way he was. She knew he was feeling guilty.

  “I'm fine.” But he didn't sound it.

  “It's okay, if you aren't.” She already knew him well and he sighed. It was a relief in some ways, annoying in others. He was embarrassed at the confusion he felt, and the guilt, but it was real and he couldn't help it.

  “You sound like my mother.”

  “Oh oh.” She smiled and he laughed. But she didn't press him.

  “Okay, okay.” He decided to make a clean breast of it, and in the end, it brought them closer. “I feel so damn guilty. I opened the closet and it was as though I still felt her there …” He didn't know what else to say but Megan understood it.

  “You still have her clothes there?”

  That was embarrassing too in a way. “Yeah. I guess …”

  “It's okay. You don't have to apologize, Bernie. That's your life. You have a right to all that.” She was the first person who had said that to him and he loved her all the more for it.

  “I love you. You're the best thing that's happened to me in a long time, and I hope I don't drive you crazy.”

  “You do. But not the way you mean.” She blushed faintly. “In a nice way.”

  He smiled. He felt lucky again. He hadn't felt lucky in a long, long time. “How are we going to get together this weekend?”

  They devised a plan where he would spend the night with her on Friday, and go home early the next morning. And it worked. It worked on Saturday too. And he went up the following Wednesday night too, and told Jane he had to go to Los Angeles on business.

  He started telling them that every week, and one week he went for two nights. Only Nanny Pip knew the truth. He wanted her to know where he was, in case something happened to one of the children. He didn't tell her who it was. He just gave her the number and told her only to use it in an emergency. It embarrassed him. But she never said a word. And she never seemed shocked about it. It was as though she thought it was normal. He suspected she knew who it was. She always sent him on his way when he was going up there with a little smile and a pat on the shoulders.

  And on the weekends they went to Napa, and Megan dropped by. She taught Jane how to make a nest for a little bird that fell out of a tree near the house, and she helped her set his leg when they discovered it was broken. She took Alex on errands with her and he squealed with delight now whenever he saw her coming. And Jane was slowly relenting.

  “How come you like her so much, Daddy?” she questioned him one day as they were putting the dishes in the sink for Nanny.

  “Because she's a nice woman. She's intelligent and kind and loving. That's not an easy combination to find.” And he had. Twice. He was a lucky man after all. He would be lucky this time until he had to move back to New York from California. But more and more lately he was questioning that decision.

  “Do you love her?”

  He held his breath, not sure what to say to her. He wanted to be honest but he didn't want to push her. “Maybe.” Jane looked stunned.

  “You do? As much as you loved Mommy?” She looked shocked and suddenly angry.

  “No. Not yet. I haven't known her for as long.” Jane nodded. It was serious then. But try as she might, she couldn't go on hating Megan. She was too easy to like, and too kind to the children, and when he had to go to Europe in April, Jane asked if they could stay with her on weekends. It was a major breakthrough, and Bernie almost cried with gratitude and relief when she said it.

  “Do you really want them up there?” He had promised Jane he would at least ask her. “I could send Nanny with them.”

  “I'd love it.” Her house was tiny, but if she slept on the couch, and she insisted she wanted to, she could give Nanny her room, and the children her study. And they loved it. They went up on weekends after school finished on Friday. And Bernie came back in time for Alexander's third birthday. They celebrated it all together, and afterwards Bernie went out for a long walk with Megan.

  “Did something happen in New York?” She looked worried. “You seem quiet.”

  “Berman thinks he's getting closer to finding someone to replace me. There's a woman he wants to hire away from another store. And they're haggling over the money. But he usually wins those kinds of battles. What'll I do, Meg?” There was a look of anguish in his eyes that touched her deeply. “I don't want to leave you.” He had missed her desperately while he was in Europe, more than he had ever thought he would.

  “We'll face it when we have to.” And they made love that night as though there never would be a tomorrow. And two weeks later, he came out from the city especially to tell her the news. Berman had lost his replacement. She had signed a new contract with her old store for almost twice the money. It was a relief and yet Bernie knew he couldn't keep depending on the fates to save him.

  “Hallelujah!” He had brought her champagne and they went out to dinner to celebrate that night at the Auberge du Soleil, and they had a wonderful evening. He was going to drive back to the city at eight o'clock the next morning, but she insisted that there was something she wanted to show him first. She led the way in her Austin Healy It was a perfect little Victorian house, nestled between some vineyards off the highway.

  “It's beautiful. Whose is it?” He looked at it casually, as one would someone else's wife, with admiration but no urge for possession, but she was smiling at him, as though she had something up her sleeve now.

  “It's an estate. It belonged to old Mrs. Moses and she died while you were in Europe. She was ninety-one years old and the house is in perfect condition.”

  “Are you buying it?” He was intrigued and she seemed to know a lot about it.

  “No. But I have a better idea.”

  “What's that?” He glanced at his watch. He had to get to the store for a meeting.

  “How about opening your store now. I didn't want to say anything until you knew if you were leaving or not. But even if you only stay for a few months, Bernie, it could be a fantastic investment.” She was so excited she looked almost girlish, and he looked at her, touched, but he knew he couldn't do it. He had no idea how soon he'd be leaving.

  “Oh Meg … I can't.”

  “Why not? At least let me introduce you to Phillippa.”

  “Baby …” He hated to disappoint her, but she had no idea how much effort went into starting a store. “I don't just need a manager, I'd need an architect, a buyer, a …” He faltered.

  “Why? You know all that stuff. And there are a dozen architects up here. Come on, Bernie, at least think about it.” She looked at him and his eyes danced a little, but not enough, and she was disappointed.

  “I'll think about it, but I gotta go now. I'll be back on Saturday.” It was two days away. Their whole life was built on the days they spent together.

  “Will you have lunch with Phillippa?”

  “Okay, okay.” He laughed and pinched her bottom and got in his car, waving as he drove away. And she smiled to herself as she drove to the hospital, hoping it would do the trick. It was something she knew he wanted to do, and there was no reason why he c
ouldn't do it. And she was going to do everything she could to help him. He had a right to his dream, and maybe, with luck … he would stay in California.

  Chapter 43

  Phillippa Winterturn had one of the funniest names and the prettiest faces Bernie had ever seen. She was a pretty white-haired woman in her early fifties and she had done everything from run a store in Palm Beach, to run a chain of them on Long Island, to work for Women's Wear Daily and Vogue and design clothes for children. She had had her finger in every aspect of the retailing pie for the past thirty years and she had even graduated from Parsons.

  And Megan listened to them talk, barely able to suppress a smile. She didn't even care when she had to go back to the office to set a broken wrist for an eight-year-old. When she came back they were still talking. And by the end of lunch, Bernie's eyes were in flames. Phillippa knew exactly what she wanted to do, and she was dying to do it with him. She didn't have the money to make the investment, but Bernie felt sure that he could handle that himself, with a loan from the bank and maybe even a little help from his parents.

  The trouble was, it just didn't make sense for him to undertake a project like the one they discussed. He still had to go back to New York sooner or later. But the idea preyed on his mind after his lunch with Phillippa.

  He drove past the house Megan had shown him several times. It gnawed at him, but there was no point in his buying property in California except maybe as an investment.

  But whenever Paul called now, Bernie sounded distant and distracted. He was suddenly haunted by old ghosts again. Liz seemed to come to mind far too often and it made him testy with Megan.

  Bernie spent the entire summer with the San Francisco store, in body anyway. But his heart and his mind and his soul seemed to be somewhere else. In Napa with Megan, and the house he wished he were buying, and the store he wished he were starting. He felt guilty about his mixed emotions, and Megan sensed what was happening to him. She was very calm and quiet and supportive and she asked him no questions about his plans, and he was grateful to her for that. She was a remarkable woman. But he worried about that too now.

  They had been living on borrowed time for seven months, and sooner or later they'd have to face the music. And he didn't like it. He loved being with Megan, going for long walks, talking late at night, even going to the hospital with her when she had a late-night call and she was so wonderful with the children. Alexander was crazy about her, and now so was Jane, and so was Nanny Pippin. She seemed to be the perfect woman for him …except there was still Liz' memory to contend with. He tried not to compare them to each other, they were two entirely different women, and whenever Jane tried to, Megan would always stop her.

  “Your mommy was very, very special.” It was impossible to disagree with her and it was comforting to Jane when she said that. She seemed to know the children so well, and Bernie even more so. He didn't even like staying in the city anymore, and there was something about their house there that depressed him. The memories there didn't seem happy anymore, and all he could think of now was when Liz had been sick and dying, and trying so desperately to hang on, dragging herself to school, cooking dinner for them, and weakening hourly. He hated thinking about it now. It was two years since she'd left them, and he preferred thinking of other things. But it was hard to think of her at all, without thinking of her dying.

  In August his parents came out to visit the children. Bernie and the children were living in Napa for the summer, and they settled in as they had the year before, and his parents took Jane on a trip as they had before. And when they brought her back, he introduced them to Megan. It was obvious who she was from the earlier description he had given them. And his mother looked her over carefully with a knowing look, but she didn't disapprove of her. She even liked her. It would have been impossible not to, even for his mother.

  “So you're the doctor.” She said it almost proudly, and there were tears in Megan's eyes when she kissed her. She drove them around Napa the next day, when she was off call and Bernie was at work, and she showed them all the sights. Bernie's father could only stay for a few days. He was going to San Diego for a medical convention. And Ruth opted to stay in Napa with the children. But she was still deeply troubled about her son. She sensed that, in spite of his involvement with Megan, he was still grieving for Liz. And they talked about it over lunch at the Saint George in Saint Helena. Ruth felt that she could be open with this young woman she liked so much.

  “He's not the same as he used to be.” She said it sadly, wondering if he ever would be again. In some ways he was better, more sensitive, more mature, but he had lost some of his joie de vivre after Liz died.

  “It takes time, Mrs. Fine.” It had already been two years and he was only beginning to recover. And it was the decisions he had to make that were weighing on him now. The choices that were so painful. Megan or Liz' memory, San Francisco or New York, a store of his own or his loyalty to Wolffs and Paul Berman. He felt torn in every direction, and Megan knew it.

  “He seems so quiet right now.” Ruth spoke to her like an old friend and Megan smiled gently. It was the smile that comforted hurt fingers and aching ears and painful tummies, and it comforted Ruth too. She felt that in this woman's hands her son would be happy.

  “This is a hard time for him. I think he's trying to decide if he wants to let go. That's scary for anyone.”

  “Let go of what?” Ruth looked puzzled.

  “His wife's memory, the delusion that she'll come back again. It's not unlike what Jane has gone through. As long as she rejects me, she can pretend that her mother might come back one day.”

  “That's not healthy,” Ruth said, and she frowned.

  “But it's normal.” She didn't tell her of Bernie's dreams of his own store in the Napa Valley. That would just have upset her further. “I think Bernie's on the verge of making some decisions that are difficult for him, Mrs. Fine. He'll feel better when he gets them behind him.”

  “I hope so.” She didn't ask if one of those decisions was whether or not to marry Megan. But they chatted on through lunch and she felt better when Megan dropped her off at the house after lunch and waved as she drove off. “I like that girl,” she told Bernie that night. “She's intelligent and sensitive and kind.” She took a short breath. “And she loves you.” For the first time in Bernie's memory, his mother looked frightened to annoy him, and he smiled at her.

  “She's a terrific woman.”

  He agreed.

  “Why don't you do something about it?”

  There was a long silence as he met his mother's eyes, and then he sighed. “She can't move her practice to New York, and Wolffs isn't going to keep me out here forever, Mom.” He looked as torn as he felt and his mother felt sorry for him.

  “You can't marry a store, Bernard.” Her voice was soft and low. She was operating against her own interests, but for her son's and it was worth it.

  “I've thought of that.”

  “So?”

  He sighed again. “I owe a lot to Paul Berman.”

  For an instant, Ruth looked angry. “Not enough to give your life up for him, or your happiness, or the happiness of your children. As I see it, he owes you more than you owe him, after all you've done for that store.”

  “It's not as simple as all that, Mother.” Bernie looked exhausted and she hurt for him.

  “Maybe it should be, sweetheart. Maybe you should think about that.”

  “I will.” He smiled at last and kissed her cheek, and then he whispered, “Thank you.”

  Three days later she joined Lou in San Diego, and Bernie was genuinely sorry to see her go. She had become his friend over the years, and even Megan missed her.

  “She's a wonderful woman, Bernie.”

  He grinned at the woman he was so desperately in love with. It was their first night alone since his mother left, and it felt good to be lying side by side in her bed again. “She said the same thing about you, Meg.”

  “I have a lot of r
espect for her. And she loves you a lot.” He smiled. He was glad that they liked each other. And she was happy just being with him. She never tired of his company, they spent hours together whenever they could, talking and hugging and making love. Sometimes they stayed awake all night just to be together.

  “I feel like I haven't seen you in weeks,” he whispered as he nuzzled into Megan's neck. He was hungry for her body and the feel of her skin next to his own, as they lay side by side and made love, until the phone rang in the distance.

  It always amazed them how hungry they were for each other. Their desire for each other hadn't abated in the eight months since they'd begun making love, and they were still breathless as she pulled away apologetically to reach for the phone. But she was on call for Patrick.

  He lay closer to her, and fondled her nipple, not wanting to let her leave him.

  “Baby, I have to …”

  “Just this once … if they don't find you, they'll call Patrick.”

  “They may not be able to find him.” She loved him, but she was always conscientious. She had already pulled herself away from him regretfully, and grabbed the phone on the fourth ring, with the perfume of his loving still hanging over her, as he followed her and held her bottom. “This is Dr. Jones.” It was her official voice, followed by the usual silence. “Where? …How long? …How many? …How often? Get her to intensive care …and call Fortgang.” She was already grabbing her jeans, their loving forgotten, and this time she looked worried. “And get me an anesthesiologist, a good one. I'll be right over.” She hung up the phone and turned to look at him. There was no time to mince words. She had to tell him.

  “What was that?”

  Oh God … it was the worst thing she had ever had to do to anyone…. “Baby …Bernie …” She started to cry, hating herself for the tears that sprang from her eyes, and instantly he knew that something terrible had happened to someone he loved. “It's Jane.” His guts shrank at the words. “She was riding her bicycle, and she was hit by a car.” She was dressing while she talked to him, and he stood staring at her, as she reached out her hands and touched his face. He looked as though he didn't understand her. He did, but he couldn't believe it. He couldn't believe that God would be that terrible. Not twice in a lifetime.