The Magic Misfits

by Neil Patrick Harris

  Carter, Leila, Theo, and Ridley—the misfits that they were—looked at one another with mischievous smiles.

  You’ll notice this book has no thirteenth chapter. As you probably already know, thirteen is a very unlucky number. While I don’t believe in luck, I do believe in magic. And (as I have mentioned before) magic comes in all shapes and sizes. And occasionally, it comes in the form of bad magic, such as tripping over your feet, falling down stairs, or making a poor grade on an important test because you genuinely forgot to study. Okay… I suppose I do believe in bad luck.

  But that’s beside the point. As most buildings do not have a thirteenth floor, I am choosing not to have a thirteenth chapter. Instead, I’m going to allow you to use this time to take a much-needed bathroom break. Go on, then. I’ll wait.

  …

  Done already? That was quick.

  I hope you washed your hands because you’re about to use them to turn pages faster than ever!

  FOURTEEN

  Nearly an hour later, the four misfits made their way up Grand Oak Drive, and Carter found himself nearly stumbling in awe. The sides of the cobblestone road were adorned with sculptures, fountains, and shrubs shaped like zoo animals. It was another warm and sunny day. As he stepped beneath a leafy green giraffe, he said, “I’ve never been anywhere like this.”

  In the daylight, the cluster of buildings at the top of the hill gleamed white. At the center of all of them stood an ample three-story lodge. Each floor was marked by thirteen expansive windows. Leila mentioned that this was the building where most of the guests stayed. It was all gables and turrets and green-and-white-striped awnings. Half a dozen chimneys rose from the jagged roof, and in the middle of them all sat a small cupola, a simple weather vane perched on top, swaying in the soft breeze. The road led up the slope to a covered turnaround with a grand entryway directly in its middle. Beyond the wide front doors were hidden a massive restaurant and an even larger theater.

  The other buildings were smaller. Wide white signs with black lettering were posted on the walls just outside their front doors. ATHLETICS ROOM. DANCE STUDIO. CLIMBING COURSE. READING ROOM. ROPE COURSE. TEA ROOM. MINERAL SPA. JUICE BAR. And many more. All were connected by labyrinthine stone paths, stretches of which were covered by wisteria canopies. Dark slate overlaid the peaks and gables of the dramatic rooflines, and green shutters accented every window.

  The Grand Oak Resort was magnificent.

  If you wanted to try horseback riding, you could. How about ballroom dancing? They’d teach you. If anyone wished for a mud bath that might make them look ten years younger… well, that could be done too. How about a buffet with all-you-can-eat seven-layer chocolate cake? They had it… for breakfast! But many agreed the best part was the show on the stage in the main building each night after dinner. During the weekdays, the Grand Oak staff and the guests would show off their talents. Singing. Juggling. Dancing. However, on the weekends, big acts—some of the greatest crooners, comedians, musicians, and, yes, magicians of the age—took the stage.

  “So luxurious,” Leila said as she led the group past the last of the topiary animals. “Since Poppa cooks here, I get to come hang out in the kitchen sometimes. So I know this place like the back of my hand. After hours, I find empty rooms to practice my escape tricks in. There’s even a whole wing that’s been abandoned! And a garden maze around back near the woods where people are constantly getting lost and needing to be rescued.”

  Carter gazed up at the main hall’s giant columns as Leila waved to a bellhop. The old man opened the monumental door for them with a strained smile. Leila said, “Thanks, Dean!” Carter was paralyzed by the grandeur, so Leila took his hand and tugged him inside.

  The lobby was in full swing, with people of every shape, size, color, and age coming and going. Tourists were at the concierge’s desk asking about hiking trips and shopping for secondhand furniture and antique knickknacks. In fact, much of the decor in Vernon’s Magic Shop came from little farms and houses all around Mineral Wells. People are always throwing away things that they think are junk but other people believe to be treasure.

  The elevator doors opened and closed, taking in and pushing out families in need of nourishment or activity. Teenagers in dripping bathing suits zipped up and down the wooden staircase from the indoor pool to the dining hall.

  A heaping brass luggage cart glided past, with a kid in an eye patch riding atop the highest suitcase, shouting commands like a pirate. Standing nine feet tall at the top of a staircase was a stuffed grizzly bear on its hind legs. Its claws were raised, but any fear factor was lost due to its sunglasses.

  In the center of the room, a boy and a girl in matching plaid jumpsuits were tap-dancing on a small mirrored stage. An audience of guests gathered around to watch. Carter guessed the dancers were twins, but he wasn’t sure if it was the matching outfits, hair color, and facial features, or the easy and perfectly in sync moves of their routine. Despite the dizzying speed of their clicking toes and their swinging arms, they never missed a beat.

  When the song ended, they launched straight into the next part of their act. “Hey, Izzy, what do you call a troupe of tap-dancing chorizos?” the boy asked.

  “I don’t know, Olly,” the girl answered. “What?”

  “Tapas!” Olly’s shoes did a tappity-tap-tap-tap.

  “That’s Olly and Izzy Golden,” Leila said to Carter as she gave a wave. “They’re great. Their parents work here at the resort too. Their dad teaches comedy techniques and their mom is a ballroom dance instructor. We may be good at magic, but those two kids know how to make people laugh.”

  “The first time I saw their show, I laughed so hard I cried,” Ridley added. “And I never cry.”

  “I wonder if anyone has ever cried so hard they laughed,” Theo mused.

  “I could help you find out,” Ridley said, tapping her fingers on the arm of her chair.

  “Oh har-har-har.”

  “I’m gonna cry if I don’t get my lucky lockpicks back,” Leila said. Carter’s heart began to race as he thought of what the Pock-Pickets might be doing to his wooden box. “Let’s get going!” Leila led the others to the concierge—a stunning woman in a smart pantsuit with a silver name tag that said QUINN. “Hey, Q!” Leila said, giving her a hug. “How’s life?”

  “Wonderful!” Quinn said. “This weekend’s been so much fun. The Grand Oak is sold out, and everyone is buzzing about Bosso’s big show tonight. We don’t know what he’s going to do with that diamond. Maybe he’ll make it even bigger!”

  “I’d just love to get his autograph,” Leila said sarcastically, trying hard not to roll her eyes. “Poppa said he was cooking lunch for them today. Do you know what time and where?”

  “Of course I do,” the concierge said. “That’s my job! Mr. Bosso and his guests will be lunching in the Commodore Room at one. But you can catch him before that—he and his friends are relaxing by the indoor pool.” She leaned forward and whispered, “Maybe don’t tell them I mentioned it. They’ve been a bit intense as of late.”

  “No problem, Q. You’re a doll,” Leila said. Leila led the others to a corner of the lobby. “So what’s our plan?”

  “Get dressed up,” Ridley said, tapping the duffel bag resting in her lap, which was full of Mr. Vernon’s props. “Then divide and conquer.”

  “Perfect,” Carter said. “Let’s get our stuff back.”

  “I don’t want to come out,” Carter said from the bathroom door. “Are you sure we don’t have another disguise?”

  “I only brought the four,” Leila said. “One for each of us.”

  “Hurry it up,” Ridley said. “We need to get going while the villains are making waves.”

  Carter stumbled from the bathroom into a hallway off the lobby. “I feel ridiculous.”

  Leila and Ridley burst out laughing. “You said you didn’t want to be recognized,” Theo noted with a grin. “I believe this will do the trick.”

  Carter had traded in his pants
and shirt for a green Speedo, green goggles, and a green bathing cap.

  The others were already dressed. Theo wore a bellhop uniform, and Ridley was dressed as an old woman (complete with white wig and face makeup). Leila wore a one-piece swimsuit covered in sunflowers and a swim cap with little fabric flowers and beaded pearls.

  “Want to trade?” Carter asked Theo. Theo shook his head.

  “If you’re that uncomfortable, I’ll trade you.” Leila giggled.

  “Let’s just get this done,” Carter said.

  When they got to the indoor pool, they all did some exploring.

  The four friends took turns walking into the glass atrium at different times. Theo went first, pretending to work. Next, Ridley entered, pretending to look for a suitable space below the sunroof. Leila ran in and dove straight into the water. When Carter walked in, he froze. He’d never seen such an amazing place.

  Despite the temperate spring weather outside, the glass atrium was warm as the sun came in from above and heated his skin. The air was scented with thrice-cooked french fries, suntan lotion, and chlorine. And the only sounds Carter heard were of splashes and laughter.

  Shaped like a tropical lagoon, the pool had three levels of diving boards, a twisting slide, a rope swing, waterfalls, and a hot tub (for grown-ups only after five p.m.). Waiters in white shirts and pants hurried around with frozen lemonades and nachos, weaving among the lounge chairs surrounding the pool. It was like a splashy paradise.

  Carter was in such awe, he didn’t realize he was blocking the entrance. A large man called out directly behind him, “Hey, you…”

  Fear rushed through Carter. It was Bosso.

  FIFTEEN

  Bosso towered over Carter. Today, Bosso was wearing a white tank top, black-and-white-striped swimming trunks, and rubber flip-flops that looked two sizes too small for his giant, hairy feet. Bosso and Carter stared at each other for a tense couple of seconds as Carter waited to be recognized. He expected Bosso to do something terrible.

  Instead the carnival owner growled, “Move it, kid. You’re in the doorway.” Without waiting, he shoved past Carter.

  “He didn’t recognize me,” Carter whispered to himself. Leila’s disguise worked. Bosso had no idea who he was.

  Carter ran at the pool and formed himself into a cannonball. After coming up from the huge splash, he met Leila in the middle of the water. Together, they swam over toward the edge of the water where Bosso and his crew were camped. Like little frogs, the pair broke the surface and peered above the waterline with goggled eyes.

  Bosso and his minions hogged the sun chair area around the deep end near the bar. Bosso was at the center, lying on his back, his eyes closed as two frown clowns in full makeup fanned him. The white from their faces was running in sweaty rivulets down their necks. The emerald ring on Bosso’s finger flashed, and his hand held a white blended drink with an umbrella in it. Beside him, a thin woman in a black full-piece bathing suit took in the sun. It took Carter a moment to recognize the Spider-Lady without her extra arms. The Walrus stood directly behind them, eating chicken wings and tossing the bones right onto the tiled floor.

  Half a dozen clowns of different sizes lounged in normal swimwear fashion from the neck down and in that same clown makeup from the neck up.

  “Hey, look,” Carter whispered to Leila. A man in a police uniform walked over to Bosso.

  “That’s Sheriff Shaw,” Leila said. “What’s he doing?”

  Bosso handed him an envelope. The sheriff opened it and thumbed through a stack of money. He slipped the envelope into his sheriff’s jacket.

  “Looks like that cop is crooked,” Carter said. “He’s on Bosso’s payroll? That can’t be—”

  Before he could say “good,” Leila pulled him below the surface. The clowns had been staring at them quizzically. Her underwater hand gestures signaled that they should meet the others. Together, Leila and Carter swam to the shallow end near the palm trees. They hopped out of the pool and met Theo and Ridley behind the towel cabana. The four huddled together.

  “His whole crew is here,” Theo whispered, “except for the Pock-Pickets.”

  “The Tattooed Baby is missing too,” Carter said.

  “No, he’s here,” Ridley noted. “He’s over at the poolside bar chomping on a cigar and hitting on ladies.”

  “Good for him,” Leila said.

  “Okay, we have half an hour until lunch,” Ridley said, pointing to her watch. “Carter, Leila, you find a way into their room. Theo and I will stay here and keep a lookout. If they try to make a move, we’ll slow them down.”

  “Oooh, I like that plan,” said a scratchy-sounding voice.

  “Me too,” added a high-pitched voice. “But what do we do?”

  Carter and Theo nearly fell over when they discovered Olly and Izzy standing directly behind them. “Where did you two come from?” Carter asked.

  “We saw a team huddle,” Olly said.

  “We love team huddles,” Izzy added. “But we’re still unclear on the big-picture plan.”

  “You really want to help?” Leila asked.

  “Leila!” Ridley hissed. “We already have one new kid. We can’t have two more!”

  “The more the merrier, I always say,” Izzy said.

  “You never say that,” Olly quipped. “But we can help. We’re good at distracting people.”

  “A mesmerizing distraction would be helpful.…” Theo said.

  “You don’t even know what you’ll be distracting Bosso and his gang from,” Carter said to the twins.

  “Even better,” Izzy said. “Now, if you four get in trouble, we can say we have no idea what’s going on.”

  “That won’t be hard for her,” Olly said. “Izzy rarely knows what’s going on.”

  “How are you going to distract them?” Carter asked.

  The twins exchanged a mischievous smile. Then they ran over to the diving boards. They kicked off their shoes and climbed to the top of the high dive in their tap-dance outfits. When they got to the top, they yanked off their matching plaid jumpsuits to reveal a pair of matching plaid bodysuits. They stepped to the tip of the high diving board and said, “Hey, folks! Is everyone having a good time?!” Since the acoustics in the room were very loud, their voices bounced all over, and everyone turned to look at them.

  Clapping, cheers, and whistles ran through the pool crowd below.

  “We don’t know if you’ve heard, but we have a star in our midst!” Olly said.

  “A star? You mean like the sun?” Izzy asked.

  “No, silly. Someone much brighter: the master of carnival-ism, B. B. Bosso! Let’s give him a round of applause.” The crowd went wild, then Olly continued. “Bosso, any chance you’ll take my sister next time you hit the road?”

  “Watch it, or I’ll hit you,” Izzy said, winding up her arm comically. “But seriously, Mr. Bosso, you work hard to entertain. So for the next fifteen minutes, put your feet up, kick back, and let us repay the favor.”

  Bosso sat up in his chair and scowled, then glanced around to see everyone staring at him. He quickly smiled his famous crooked fake smile.

  Olly gave the misfits a wink, and Leila said, “That’s our cue. We have fifteen minutes.”

  “Theo and I will stay here,” Ridley said. She handed Leila her backpack. “If the wonder twins can’t keep Bosso or his goons here, we’ll buy you some time. But no matter what, you better hurry.”

  “How do you know where Bosso is staying?” Carter asked Leila during the elevator ride.

  “When you were changing back into your regular clothes, I talked to the front desk. Perks of having a poppa who makes the best lobster risotto this side of the Rocky Mountains,” Leila said. “Bosso and the Sideshowers are in the penthouse suite, and the rest of his goons are on the same floor.”

  “Bosso likes to be in control of everything,” Carter said. He remembered the scene of the clowns and the tiny red car in the train yard from a couple nights prior. “My guess is h
e’ll want to keep the important stuff in his room.”

  “Then I’ll lead the way,” Leila said. When the elevator doors opened, Leila and Carter peeked into the hallway. The four Pock-Pickets were humming a tune as they guarded Bosso’s door.

  “Aww, pickles,” Leila whispered.

  “What now?” Carter asked. The clock was ticking.

  “Easy peasy,” Leila said. “Follow me.”

  The pair went down one floor, ran into another hallway, and went through a door marked SERVICE ELEVATOR.

  “This leads to a back door on the top floor,” Leila said, cracking her knuckles.

  “Good thing you know this hotel so well,” Carter remarked.

  “A worthy escape artist should know where all exits are at all times. Something I learned back at the orphanage.” Leila grinned.

  “Maybe… maybe sometime when we’re not pilfering our stolen stuff back, you can tell me what that was like. The orphanage, I mean. We might have a lot in common.”

  To his surprise, Leila’s face went blank. “Yeah, maybe,” she said before stepping toward the elevator door.

  Carter felt his own cheeks burn. Bringing up the orphanage might have been a mistake.

  When they got out of the service elevator, Leila tried the handle: locked. She pulled a small gum-stick-size box from her swim cap. In it were little oddly shaped metal picks. Leila poked them into the service door lock, and a moment later it clicked. The door cracked open. “These aren’t my lucky picks, but I always have a spare set. After all, a good escape artist needs to know how to open any door at any time.”

  “Are you sure you’ve never been a thief?” asked Carter.

  “Maybe in a past life,” she said coolly.

  Warily, they entered the penthouse suite. The walls were paneled with extravagant walnut wood. Landscape paintings hung in gold frames. Thankfully, no one was in the set of rooms. Leila pointed to a clock sitting on a side table, reminding Carter they had to hurry.